I need some input

To sum up my story, me and WH are separated. WH asked for a divorce early this year and I've been living in my own place since last June but struggling really hard to keep NC and move on.

A lot happened since my WH asked for Divorce but I wanted some opinions on how things are because I'm really confused and I'm not sure if I see things for how they are anymore.

So right now we are separated but still do things together because of me (at least this is what WH says). He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore but that he enjoys my company and wants to be my friend and have my company. He says he doesn't want another relationship, he wants to be alone and he has accepted that he will be alone and miserable for the rest of his life but he is doing this (the Divorce) because he wants me to be happy and he knows that he won't change and that I am unhappy in this relationship for a long time, which is true. I know I should just go to strict NC and move on but I haven't been able to do it. I suffer from codependency and I know that most people here don't understand that. I think only a codependent can understand what I mean when I say "I can't" keep NC and move on. Because obviously I have the option but my disease won't let me.

I've been feeling really depressed lately, and having scary thoughts that life isn't worth living. I'm terrified to because hopeless and not wanting to live anymore. I'm really trying to not let that happen. I really am. So I told WH about these struggles and now I pretty much feel like a burden to him, that he is just waiting for me to move on so he can go on living his life without me. I feel like he can't wait to get rid of me.
Recently he said he is waiting for me to file for divorce and when he saw the pain in my face he said he was kidding about it and that he there is no rush.

I also feel that he does like my company, that he does want me around although he wants a Divorce so this is very confusing to me. Why would you want someone around if you want a divorce? Is he hanging out with me just because he pities me?

In Feb of this year I found out he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker but swears that he wants nothing to do with her although my gut feeling says otherwise but sometimes I doubt myself.

I also struggle because I want to maintain a relationship with our little granddaughter and my two adult step sons.

Sorry about the rambling but I really needed to vent and try to make sense of the insanity that is going on with my life.

Thank you.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, October 12th, 2022

Got the keys for my new apartment!

Finally got the keys for new apartment this weekend. I wasn't having a very good day when we went to get the keys. WH had to co-sign the lease so he had to go with me. I was feeling really really sad, but today I'm a little better.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. Move everything, organize and make the place a home.

Interesting things happened recently. WH started to treat me really nice so I new something was up. He never treats me nice unless he wants something. I believe it was because he just got the news that his son that lives with us will start a new job far away with lots of traveling which means WH will be watching our toddler granddaughter on his own a lot and he probably wants my help. I love my granddaughter to death but I will not be used by him as a babysitter when he needs a break.

Another interesting development, WH had a family member working at his company. He was the one that got her this job last year but it turned out she was an awful employee and she just got fired. I believe this made him look really bad there although it isn't really his fault. The OW he is having an EA was using his family member as a way to get close to WH. I noticed that a while ago that she was forcing a friendship upon her and when I heard that she was fired I secretly laughed so hard.

Also the OW will be moved to another company location in about a month. She will be in the same town but a totally different location. They will be probably visiting each other's location but they won't be at the same location anymore which also made me laugh secretly.

Another new thing is that WH will be receiving a very large amount of money as a gift. This money was supposed to be an inheritance but now it will be part of sort of a trust and and he will get it as a gift from my understanding. I don't believe I have any right to this money but I'm thinking about to speak to a lawyer about it to make sure. But even if I have any part on this money it kind feels wrong for me to have any part on it. I don't know.

9 comments posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I'm terrified to be on my own

I went to see an apartment today. I'm terrified to be on my own. I have no friends and no family here and I didn't want to commit a whole year, I wanted to move away from this area in like 6 months.

I have no children, no roots, I can go anywhere but wherever I go I'm alone.

A small part of me wants things to go back just that way they were so I don't have to go through this. It is so painful and uncomfortable but I have to keep pushing. I have no choice.

This is so hard.

36 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

How is going for you WS after Divorce?

I apologize if there was another post like this. I searched and couldn't find.

I'm wondering if a cheater can ever change. I guess if they do a lot of work on themselves they could but does the majority of them do that?

To do something like this in my opinion you have to have a character flaw, lack of empathy, selfishness and on but obviously they don't think so. Most of the time they think this is anyone's and anything else fault but theirs.

I was the other day reading through the Wayward Side post and I was in a bit of shock about some of the things I read, like they really believe they had the right to do betray their significant other because they were in love, or because they weren't happy.

I understand people fall in and out of love but lie, cheat, deceive and betrail are choices.

Well sorry about the rambling, I have no one to talk so it helps write here. Anyway my question is, are them horrible people that can't ever become better people?

24 comments posted: Tuesday, March 8th, 2022