Newest Member: HedgehogCat

papoula

I need some input

To sum up my story, me and WH are separated. WH asked for a divorce early this year and I've been living in my own place since last June but struggling really hard to keep NC and move on.

A lot happened since my WH asked for Divorce but I wanted some opinions on how things are because I'm really confused and I'm not sure if I see things for how they are anymore.

So right now we are separated but still do things together because of me (at least this is what WH says). He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore but that he enjoys my company and wants to be my friend and have my company. He says he doesn't want another relationship, he wants to be alone and he has accepted that he will be alone and miserable for the rest of his life but he is doing this (the Divorce) because he wants me to be happy and he knows that he won't change and that I am unhappy in this relationship for a long time, which is true. I know I should just go to strict NC and move on but I haven't been able to do it. I suffer from codependency and I know that most people here don't understand that. I think only a codependent can understand what I mean when I say "I can't" keep NC and move on. Because obviously I have the option but my disease won't let me.

I've been feeling really depressed lately, and having scary thoughts that life isn't worth living. I'm terrified to because hopeless and not wanting to live anymore. I'm really trying to not let that happen. I really am. So I told WH about these struggles and now I pretty much feel like a burden to him, that he is just waiting for me to move on so he can go on living his life without me. I feel like he can't wait to get rid of me.
Recently he said he is waiting for me to file for divorce and when he saw the pain in my face he said he was kidding about it and that he there is no rush.

I also feel that he does like my company, that he does want me around although he wants a Divorce so this is very confusing to me. Why would you want someone around if you want a divorce? Is he hanging out with me just because he pities me?

In Feb of this year I found out he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker but swears that he wants nothing to do with her although my gut feeling says otherwise but sometimes I doubt myself.

I also struggle because I want to maintain a relationship with our little granddaughter and my two adult step sons.

Sorry about the rambling but I really needed to vent and try to make sense of the insanity that is going on with my life.

Thank you.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, October 12th, 2022

How do you deal with shame?

It's been around 4 months that I moved in my own place and unfortunately nothing went like I thought it would leaving me extremely sad and embarrassed.

I did not start NC after I moved out like I thought I would and I did not file for divorce like I thought I would.

Unfortunately for several reasons things pretty much continued almost the same in our relationship. I ssay almost because it was actually worse for me in a lot of ways.

During these last 4-5 months I guess I did sort of like a pick me up dance mixed with some sort of stupid thinking that I had that if I was around WH all the time he wouldn't gravitate towards OW and some stupid hopes I had that he would change his mind about the D. Obviously that didn't happen and he did not change his mind about the D.

Well, I started NC two days ago. Hopefully this time around I will follow through.

I'm so embarrassed to be where I am 5 months later. I'm so ashamed that I haven't posted here all this time.

How do you deal when you are feeling like an idiot, a looser and so stupid?

3 comments posted: Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Codependency

Just wondering if anyone knows a forum for codependents?

I love it here but I feel like if you aren't a codependent you can't really understand the mind and struggles of a codependent.

Thanks in advance.

2 comments posted: Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Got the keys for my new apartment!

Finally got the keys for new apartment this weekend. I wasn't having a very good day when we went to get the keys. WH had to co-sign the lease so he had to go with me. I was feeling really really sad, but today I'm a little better.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. Move everything, organize and make the place a home.

Interesting things happened recently. WH started to treat me really nice so I new something was up. He never treats me nice unless he wants something. I believe it was because he just got the news that his son that lives with us will start a new job far away with lots of traveling which means WH will be watching our toddler granddaughter on his own a lot and he probably wants my help. I love my granddaughter to death but I will not be used by him as a babysitter when he needs a break.

Another interesting development, WH had a family member working at his company. He was the one that got her this job last year but it turned out she was an awful employee and she just got fired. I believe this made him look really bad there although it isn't really his fault. The OW he is having an EA was using his family member as a way to get close to WH. I noticed that a while ago that she was forcing a friendship upon her and when I heard that she was fired I secretly laughed so hard.

Also the OW will be moved to another company location in about a month. She will be in the same town but a totally different location. They will be probably visiting each other's location but they won't be at the same location anymore which also made me laugh secretly.

Another new thing is that WH will be receiving a very large amount of money as a gift. This money was supposed to be an inheritance but now it will be part of sort of a trust and and he will get it as a gift from my understanding. I don't believe I have any right to this money but I'm thinking about to speak to a lawyer about it to make sure. But even if I have any part on this money it kind feels wrong for me to have any part on it. I don't know.

9 comments posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I'm terrified to be on my own

I went to see an apartment today. I'm terrified to be on my own. I have no friends and no family here and I didn't want to commit a whole year, I wanted to move away from this area in like 6 months.

I have no children, no roots, I can go anywhere but wherever I go I'm alone.

A small part of me wants things to go back just that way they were so I don't have to go through this. It is so painful and uncomfortable but I have to keep pushing. I have no choice.

This is so hard.

36 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022

1 month since D-day of his EA - The facts.

I found out about my STBXWH EA a month ago and since then my life has been spiraling out of control. Here's a sumup of my 30 days of hell.

STBXWH claims there is nothing between the two of them and he refuses to put a stop to their "friendship".

Right after I found out about his EA, he told me he wants a divorce. I agree with D and we agreed to work towards an amicable D. I asked for two things: that we would wait until things were settled to tell family and friends about the D and that he would stop his EA. He insists that there is no EA so I asked him to stop texting, flirting, buying her coffee, buying her lunch, giving her rides etc. He did not say he would stop. For some stupid reason I thought he would have some decency and would stop.

I started to check his phone daily (without him knowing) and saw that the texts and interactions between them never stopped, didn't even slow a bit. It was just like nothing happened.

The OW planned some lame company get-together. The people at their company never did anything like this before and it's not like them at all these kind of things. Very few people were invited and it looked like an excuse for her to see him outside of work. He told me I was invited for the get-together but I said that none of us were going. Later I saw texts where he confirmed he was going and that he didn't know if I was going. The funny thing is that we had a family emergency and he couldn't go. I laughed so hard.

A few days later he went on a daily business trip and got her a gift from where he was. I saw the texts between them and I was furious. I spent the night at a friend's house.

He claimed that she specifically asked for what he got her and he couldn't say no because it would be rude. After that he changed his phone password and I couldn't see the texts anymore. Up to that point he suspected I was looking at his phone but when I said I saw he bought her a gift he knew for sure and changed his password.

I didn't talk to him for a while. I was emotionally drained, feeling humiliated. A few days later he brought home something she bought him. The excuse was that another co-worker actually asked her to get that for him. I was furious again. Couldn't believe the disrespect.

A few days later we had a conversation. I needed some peace. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I couldn't live in such hostile environment anymore. He said a lot of crap about the OW. He called her crazy and dumb and that he would never want anything with someone like her and that it was nice to be friends with her because she was fun but that was all. He kept insisting that him wanting a D has nothing to do with her. I said that I still don't like the situation and still wanted them to stop at least until I we finally D.

I was so desperate for some peace in this house. At this point I was actually believing that the gift he got her was because she asked for it. What a fool I was! The very next day he gave me his phone to see something and I quickly opened her conversation and I saw a message where she was saying how surprised she was with his gift and how did he know she liked what he got her. When I realized he lied again I lost it. I was totally out of control, said pretty awful things to him and texted the OW. I told her to stay away from my husband. What I wrote didn't matter and just. I know she won't stop I just wanted to throw some shit in the fan and let her know that I know.

Since we started to talk about D it has been assumed that I will leave our house and get an apartment for myself. But now I'm honestly second guessing this decision. He has no mercy for me, no sympathy and no respect. He is the cheater. Why am I the one who has to leave. I'm make 1500 a month! He makes almost 3 times what I make. After the pandemic rent for a 1 bedroom apartment around here went from 900 to at least 1100.

The deal was that he would co-sign a lease for an apartment for me but why doesn't he goes get a place for himself? He makes a lot more. I do have a large personal savings account that I've been saving in case of a D and he said he has the right of half of it. But that money won't give me a place to live.

Am wrong to be going through this path instead of an amicable D?

He said recently that there was no marriage between us but there is!! We are legally married and monogamy was a always part of our agreement. Just because he wants to be single it doesn't mean he already is.

Today I said I'm getting an attorney and that I will not leave this house. That he caused me immense emotional distress with his cheating and things have consequences. But I also said that if he stops this EA I would consider work things out amicably.

I'm also thinking about calling a man he works with to talk about what's going on. This man is a very nice man that he likes a lot. I was reading in the Healing Library yesterday that if the affair is at their workplace and their are not willing to stop to expose it to other co-workers. This specific co-worker works in the management close to the owner and he likes my STBXWH a lot. What do you think? Any input is appreciated.

22 comments posted: Sunday, March 13th, 2022

How to control anger and the urge to contact the OW?

I'm not doing very well today. Yesterday I was very sad and depressed today I'm extremely angry. I guess it is normal to feel this way, I know it is part of the grieving process and I'm trying to accept these feelings while moving forward.

I hope I will keep pushing forward. There is no other option but Divorce. He wants it and so do I'm. Yesterday I picked up a packet at the Courthouse for a "No Fault Divorce", I'm not sure if this is the route I'll be taking but I just wanted to read it and inform myself.

Today I found that the woman his having an emotional affair with gave him a gift and I was furious. I got very close to send her a text message saying something like: "You are a fucking whore. Stay away from my husband" but I didn't. Not sure how I managed to not send the text but I'm now very glad I didn't.

When I first found out about this emotional affair he is having I thought about texting her and let her know who really is but then I gave a second thought and decided that this wouldn't be the best thing to do for various reasons:

1- It would backfire tremendously. They would make me become the "bad guy" as he insists that they are "just" friends. If you have to put the "just" in front of friends it tells it all. My husband is a huge gaslighter and he will make him and her look as victims and myself as the horrible crazy wife that he obviously needs to get a divorce.

2- They are probably experience limerance and not seeing things for how they really are. I mean does she really thinks that a married man who is flirting and hitting on another woman is a good catch? Or does he really think that a woman that is flirting with a married man is something good? They are blinded by their limerance right now and nothing I say or do will change this.

3- Contacting her will just add more drama and problems to MY situation and God knows I already have enough to deal with it.

4- I will not make things that easy for her telling him his dark and nasty secrets that took me a lifetime time to find out. This is mean and do feel bad for not warning her but she knows he is married so I don't feel that bad. Maybe I'll wait until after our Divorce and they are a lot more involved and I tell her lol. I feel embarrassed to confess this but I'm don't even know if it will happen or not.

5- I'm better than that. I'm better than them. A big part of me just want to walk away and never look behind. They deserve each other, two POS.

6- Also I know she is well aware that he is married but HE is the one that is married to me. So he is the one that walked over me.

Anyway this is so difficult and when the anger hits I get totally blind by it and it is so hard to control myself.

Did you contact the OW or OM? What happened if you did? If you did or didn't do you regret it?

29 comments posted: Thursday, March 10th, 2022

How is going for you WS after Divorce?

I apologize if there was another post like this. I searched and couldn't find.

I'm wondering if a cheater can ever change. I guess if they do a lot of work on themselves they could but does the majority of them do that?

To do something like this in my opinion you have to have a character flaw, lack of empathy, selfishness and on but obviously they don't think so. Most of the time they think this is anyone's and anything else fault but theirs.

I was the other day reading through the Wayward Side post and I was in a bit of shock about some of the things I read, like they really believe they had the right to do betray their significant other because they were in love, or because they weren't happy.

I understand people fall in and out of love but lie, cheat, deceive and betrail are choices.

Well sorry about the rambling, I have no one to talk so it helps write here. Anyway my question is, are them horrible people that can't ever become better people?

24 comments posted: Tuesday, March 8th, 2022

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