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I've been thinking about trying to contact my SO's second AP (longer duration, more wrongdoings), though I'm not sure if this can bring about any good.

I want to hear her side of the story and see if there's anything she mentions that I haven't been told or that is not in the chat logs I have access to. But if she does respond I don't want it to be drama/anger. I just want to ask questions and then be done with her.

Those who have contacted their SO's APs/OW, how did it go? Was it helpful/productive? Or a bad idea?

I had one call me right after my WH told her he wanted NC. She called to rat him out and then claimed she was pregnant, which was ridiculous. She acted like she'd been wronged and like she had an equal right to be mad, which was also ridiculous. It was just lies and nonsense from a crazy troll.

Cheaters lie - that includes the AP.

I don't recommend it...she will likely share "details" that are over the top (IOW, bullshit), which will do nothing but upset you.

I reached out to all of them. The responses varied across the APs, but I don't regret it. It confirmed a couple of things, but overall didn't make me feel better or worse.

I would just say if you do it, go into it understanding this person may be bitter and mean and intentionally screw with you just to be a jerk. That was not my experience, but I think it's a good idea to set your expectations low.

Weird. It was really weird and surreal. This particular one was an escort and I still can't believe I got her on the phone. She was actually really nice and told me everything that happened. My traumatized brain retained almost none of it. I know that's kind of different from most OW stories. But it didn't really help me much.

Had one phone conversation with her just because I wanted to know if he (my WS) was telling me the truth about things. Spoiler alert: he wasn’t. Spoiler 2: she lied for him. Looking back I don’t know why I would have ever expected her to tell me the truth about anything. Live and learn I guess.

[This message edited by sickoftears at 12:40 AM, Tuesday, March 22nd]

I did. I had so many angry words I needed to know she read. I didn’t expect truth or compassion, so it was more of knowing I aired what I needed to say.

It was thru text, she only speaks Spanish so I had to keep going into Google translate during the conversation lol…but her responses were all over the place. From it was just sex, to she was stalking him (a phrase he had just said to me which makes me think this was their story they came up with) to she fell in love.

It didn’t make me angrier, and I’m glad I did it…but I also knew it wasn’t going to be possible for her truly grasp how wretched her behavior was. To knowingly have an affair with a married man I hold her just as accountable.

I talked to her several times. The first was after JM was committed due to threatening suicide in front of our MC. I asked her if she was proud of herself for being part of destroying not just my family, but apparently my H too. Told her she could have him because he sure as hell wasn’t coming back to my house. I’ll never forget her words as long as I live. “He don’t love me. He loves you. He’s a good, good man and I love him with all my heart but he don’t love me.”

I always said I wanted to make a T shirt that said “I know my husband loves me because his girlfriend told me so!”

I had a much more productive conversation with her BH.

HFSSC
That shirt idea is cracking me up, I'll buy one
AP said the SAME things to me..."he doesn't love me, he loves you...I am no one"....thanks lady for the validation!

I'll take a T shirt in a medium.

"I know my husband loves me because his girlfriend told me so!"

Too funny how they KNOW they are sloppy seconds...but take those crumbs anyway . I could get that T-shirt too...in a 3XL!!

Those who have contacted their SO's APs/OW, how did it go?

It went well in MY case . The adultery co-conspirator kept trying to contact my H for FIVE months after he sent her the NC message. It was hindering my healing to see her attempts every 2-3 weeks...at HER whim. I TRIED to stay NC with her like the vets on here recommended. But one day I HAD ENOUGH!!

I made up a new email..."TheoneandonlyMrsWant2BHappyAgain"...only I used my H's name instead of my username on here . I then started sending HER a barrage of emails. I wanted to show her that TWO could play at this harrassing game and I WOULD WIN!!! I spewed so much poison out in those emails...practically DARING her to answer. I then sent an email that baited her into answering. Sure enough...she took the bait .

Was it helpful/productive?

It was very productive in that it STOPPED her from trying to contact either of us after that . In her reply to my emails...she apologized...if she hurt me because that was not her intention . She then proceeded to LIE about something...and it INTENTIONALLY was done to HURT ME . The thing is...she didn't realize that I had PROOF that she was lying . I happily informed her that she was lying...and proceeded to tell her HOW I knew . It felt GOOD to be able to write to her about THEIR intimate details that my H shared with me...and to show her how she had NO knowledge of OUR intimate details because my H did NOT share them with her!!!

Or a bad idea?

It achieved the objective of stopping the adultery co-conspirator from attempting contact anymore. But I cringe at some of the things I wrote to her. They were all TRUE...but I was very vindictive and calculating. I HURT another person . I am not proud of that. I went down to HER level...and I will never be able to say otherwise. All I can do now is to LEARN from that and not wallow in that muck again. It truly is NOT a place I would WANT to stay in. I sincerely hope the adultery co-conspirator has learned to get out of that place as well.

I also need the shirt that says "I know my husband loves me, his girlfriend told me so!"

When I spoke with my WH's OW she said she was surprised that he was "in love" with her and that they do not talk/message any more than what she does with her other friends. Seeing how I have saved the super flirty chat logs and know what things he was saying behind my back I can tell you that I was not getting the whole truth and talking to her did not really help. The fact that she also suggested opening up communications with me to help WH "maintain boundaries" at work with her was very...eye opening.

So not the worst idea if you do it calmly, but know that you're basically walking into a room about to be lied to.

When I did, I didn't do so with the goal of learning or confirming info. I did so to let them know what I thought about them and the shit that they did.
To me, playing nice to get info appeared desperate and I was not about to be that way. It felt so good to let out everything that I wanted to say. They tried to minimize things but they didn't know or think that my husband had told me all the things they did, so they looked like lying fools.
I don't regret it one bit and if I had to do it over again I would have even more to say.

I talked to OW from Dday#1. I was so shell shocked by the whole thing - he moved out of the house and right in with her. He is a giant manbaby so of course care of our shared children fell on her while he was with her. I wanted a positive co-parenting relationship (because the kiddos were only 5 and 9 at the time). She had the nerve to email me, about a week after Dday#1, stating that I had to "get over" my anger because she loves my kids as much as their dad does and the only thing "my anger" accomplished was people feeling uncomfortable.

I have no idea who OW from Dday#2 is, didn't care.

Right after D-Day I messaged her and asked her to respect my husband’s no contact except for 100% necessary work issues (they work together). I told her I was devastated, that she and my husband had no moral compasses and that she needed to tell her spouse immediately. Pretty much in those words and in that tone. No vitriol, and I even reassured her that I had no desire to publicly shame her or wreck her career. (My husband had told me she was having debilitating panic attacks about that, and for some reason I felt sorry for her??? I was in a daze and hadn’t found any anger yet).

She messaged back a long screed about how very sorry she was, how terrible and guilty she felt, how wrong it was, how grateful she was that I was so kind, how she had told her husband everything, how I was married to a wonderful man who loved me so much, how they just had a "special connection" that was just so strong but that they shouldn’t have acted in it, how she would never be in any contact with him again unless work made it completely necessary, yadda, yadda, yadda. Super profuse apologies that I was dumb enough to believe.

Less than a week later she was emailing him in a coded way trying to get him to come back to the form of secret communication they had been using.

I regret contacting her, big time. I ended up feeling manipulated and lied to, and it made the whole no contact issue way harder to manage. I was too nice and WAY too gullible, and in a misguided attempt to be a reasonable, forgiving person, it took me a year longer than it should have to build up enough backbone to insist on a level of no contact that gave me enough emotional space to heal.

Contacting her gave her an "in"—a glimpse of me that she didn’t deserve and that makes me feel vulnerable and violated to this day. I don’t think I would care as much if she didn’t still work with my husband (in the context of a small workplace in a small town), but as it stands, I wish I had ice queened that emotionally manipulative, self-absorbed liar.

I also contacted the OP. The first time on DDay 1, when my WH was asleep drunk, I called her from his phone. She wrote that she couldn't answer because her partner was nearby. I called continuously until she finally answered but she hung up immediately after hearing my voice. The second time I texted her on DDay 2, when it turned out that despite my WH's tears, promises and declarations of love, he was still in touch with her. So I told her that she could have him, but this time non-refundable. She didn't response. The next day, my WH ended the A definitively, although she was still trying to reach him. Then I wrote emails but didn't send them. After a year and a half of (absolutely pointless) watching her social media profiles where she played Mother Teresa of Calcutta, I created a fake account with the name that would make her realize it was me. I think I was hoping that she was just a normal woman and that she felt guilty and was having some remorse. I think I expected an apology. When she challenged me from a bitch who should take responsibility (unfortunately I didn't find out for what ) something broke inside me. I used my knowledge of their A and of her to hurt her. I didn't hold back, except that (unlike her) I didn't call her names. Eventually, I decided that her intellectual level was too low for me and deleted the account. She also deleted hers. Do i regret that? Actually, yes, because the satisfaction with it was only temporary, and the anger in me grew and continues to grow until today. I wish I had slapped her in the face instead

[This message edited by Naamah at 11:47 PM, Saturday, March 26th]

I messaged every single one of them from his account telling them I knew and I had read/seen everything. They were all miserable people...here's how they responded:

#1 The military whore ex-gf who slept with literally everyone in her unit, had 4 babies by all different dads, cheated on her husband with my BH, then he became her bf and she cheated on him with her first husband and was now cheating on her current husband after the first one caught her cheating with him. She's super classy. Fake tits, implant ass, filter on filter on filter. Lives with her poor husband and her 4 kids with his parents. Just a shallow, really insecure, sad and pathetic excuse for a woman.
----She said what you'd expect someone like her to say..."maybe you need to handle him or else he wouldn’t be reaching out to me!!! 🤣🤣🤣 you obviously don’t know him like I do, nor do you know me. I’m the one that got away, he will always…. ALWAYS yearn for me sweetheart"
She sounds like a gem, right?

#2 The married Instagram random - Apologized profusely over and over and messaged me repeatedly begging me not to tell her husband. Told me every detail I asked for and asked me over and over again to forgive her so God would forgive her. Nope, not gonna happen.

#3 The long-time sexting friend - Just blocked me and him straight away. Didn't say a word. She's so ridiculously insignificant that I didn't even care.

#4 The long time EA with sexting and a PA....
This one was a real winner. No job, no money, no car, no custody of her 4 kids, didn't finish high school, lives in a trailer on someone else's property, has her phone in someone else's name, spends all the funds the government sends her for her disabled kid on a wannabe model pipe dream. Her tits sag to her knees and she's never taken a photo without 17 filters on it. She's ridiculously in denial.
- She tried to "unsend" all of her photos...but of course they were already saved. She blocked me and him. But she knows I know. And we know a lot of the same people.

Did it feel good? Yes. Do I have more to say? Oh there are several things I'd like to say, especially to #4. But I won't. Why? Because they're all losers. I mean, like really losers in life. They aren't worth a teeny tiny bit of my energy. They don't matter. They're unimportant, insignificant and to be frank, I don't play in trash bins. They live miserable lives and feel terrible about themselves, obviously. I want to let them continue to be miserable.

I will never be able to understand why or how my gorgeous, model of a WH would cheat with these women of all people? They aren't pretty, they aren't witty or smart, they can't sustain conversations...shit, they can barely spell. But I guess that's what cheaters look for, right? Someone dumber than them so they feel like geniuses? Ridiculous.

You are so much better than the APs. And so am I. Let's stay that way.

Yeah, a couple times. Didn’t go great except for the time I confronted them in restaurant. That was epic, but really just made me feel powerful.

She told me the truth, and also that if I loved my WH then I would want him to be happy and would let him go.
Eventually I did. She called me nine months or so later and left a voice mail telling me I could have him back and that he is a liar and still was in love with me. (Whatever… she was on affair #8 or 9 while cheating on husband #3, so takes one to know one…)

She has a voice that is all breathy and really young sounding even though she is older than me. The voice annoyed the f*cking daylights out of me.

Looking back, nothing good came of it. It was me doing the pick=me dance and trying to strut around and stake my claim. I understand why I did it (because I was in fact strutting around and trying to stake my claim while doing my "Elaine" version of the pick-me dance). But it didn’t really help.

I called the OW on dday2 to find out my H had been cheating the whole time I thought we were R. Months and months of effort down the drain.

Our conversation was all of 2 minutes and she answered a few questions. She apologized (but didn’t really mean it).

My H never expected me to call the OW and get the truth but I’m glad I did b/c then everything started to make sense. His demand for a D out of the blue on dday2 made sense.

Funny thing is my H thought he was going to get away with all of this and take it to his grave.

Even funnier thing was the OW expected me to throw him out and he would go running to her. And they would sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

And yes I’ll take a T-shirt in a size small please. 🤣 😂 ROFLMAO

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:36 AM, Tuesday, May 17th]

If the OP knew your SO was in a committed relationship, I agree with others who say that contact may make you feel worse (more angry, lied to, manipulated, etc.).

The 1st one who knew he was married and had met me, lied to me and totally minimized and even threw in how easy she was to talk to as a way to explain their "friendship" (which is what she called it). It was frustrating and skeezy...and my WH had already told much more and verified that it was way more than a friendship. I let it go with her and didn't challenge her lies; she's her own worst karma. She is truly twisted, and I didn't want to give her anymore power in our relationship. (Their relationship had been over for months by Dday, and I discovered their relationship by stumbling across their breakup communication. I had already independently verified that they had stayed in NC through the OW's own FB posts over the weeks after the breakup as she opined how she missed talking to her close "friend;" my WH had already moved on to new other women.)

The only OP that was satisfying to contact was the one who he had convinced that he was single. She not only sent me screenshots of their communication on Dday, she agreed to talk on the phone with me months later (after much TT from WH). That conversation helped verify that WH was being fully truthful now. I think this OP was the exception to the rule; she was a really normal person and had also been lied to by my WH. I saw messages between them where he was clearly pretending to be single.

*edited for spelling

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:21 PM, Tuesday, May 17th]