None of us attending the celebration of life
My ex husband died 2 months ago of a drug overdose. We left 10 yrs ago and he never got his life back together. He was mostly an absent father, but he'd pop in every few years to make promises of sobriety. He wrecked havoc on our lives. He became homeless 18 months ago, his mother took him in. He died at her house, traumatizing one more person on his way out. His dad died in March of this year, so I anticipated some sort of crisis. I'd been worrying about getting this call for 10yrs, but I faced it head on and we are all doing fairly well.
Our children are 20yrs (son) and 18 yrs old (daughter). His dad's family has also been mostly absent in their lives, except for a few photo opportunities that they use to show people that they are in my kid's lives. They aren't good people. They are having a Celebration of Life for both my ex and his father in August.
Both children have decided not to go. They have been working with therapists for years, and I've always given them the choice of what to do when it comes to their father. I've been available to help them with a relationship with him but I've also been there to help them stand up for themselves against him and support their wishes of no or low contact. I was willing to go to the Celebration of Life if either of them wanted to go, but truth be told I've been having anxiety attacks thinking of having to deal with his family while simultaneously not coming across as a cold hearted bitch because I'm not sad he's gone.
Our new motto is "no new hurt" He's gone. He can't hurt us anymore. He gave me the beautiful gift of 2 amazing children. But we don't have to pretend he was some saint that did right by his children.
I know that addiction is complicated. I lived with my ex's addiction for a few years before we left. But for someone that had all the support in the world, he just wasn't strong enough.
I do hope that he is now at peace. We are now.
I'm posting because there is life after infidelity and addiction. I have created a lovely and peaceful life for myself and my children without the financial resources of anyone but myself. I'm proud of how far I've come. 10 years ago I felt trapped. Today, I feel free.
8 comments posted: Thursday, July 20th, 2023
The expected unexpectedly happened
I've been a member here for a long time. My ex husband, the father of my 2 children, has had a complicated past with addiction that has kept us in a limbo for at least the last 10yrs wondering if he's dead or alive. His latest stab at sobriety happened Sept-Nov last year and he fell off the wagon when our 19yr old was visiting with him over Christmas. I've been parenting the kids on my own for 10yrs now and I can 100% say that I've done a terrific job and they are both amazing human beings.
My ex husband died of an overdose on Sunday morning. His mom found him. He's been living with her for the last 18 months since losing his apartment (that he had been in for 8yrs, that I helped him get when I left him so that he had a decent shot at getting sober if he wasn't homeless).
My ex's father died in March 2023, so I felt this was only a matter of time. His addiction started when his grandfather died (who was his surrogate father and raised him) back in 2007. He recently reconnected with his father so this was another big blow to him. When that happened, I wasn't sure if it was his rock bottom or final straw.
Both kids have designed a tattoo for themselves in his memory. One of my good friends used to be a good friend of my ex's as well and he owns a tattoo shop. He's offered to do it for the kids as a goodbye to my ex. I thought it was sweet.
My boyfriend has been absolutely amazingly supportive. I've needed space this week. He came to see me on Sunday with food for us, hung out an hour, and then left when I asked him to. It's our date night this weekend, so it's a good chance to relax with him and escape this stuff.
My motto for my children and I are "No New Hurts" which I borrowed from here. He can no longer hurt my babies. I forgave him for the infidelity a long time ago, but I have never been able to forgive him for being a shitty father because it kept happening. I hope that I can now move forward without the anger, without waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know the kids have a life-long hole in their lives to deal with. Now I'm hoping that I can better support their healing now that I'm no longer living in fear.
4 comments posted: Friday, June 2nd, 2023
I forgot our anniversary
It's been 8 yrs since I left my ex husband.
Our wedding anniversary was last week......and it slipped by without my noticing the date! First time ever that I didn't feel a twinge leading up to the date.
What do you have to celebrate this week?
3 comments posted: Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
Protecting children from their father (addiction issues)
QUESTION: how do I both protect and support my teenagers from their addict father?
We've been away from my exh for 7yrs now. When we left, the children were 6yrs old and 9yrs old. He had been struggling against drugs for the last 6yrs of our marriage (right after our youngest was born), so approximately the last 15yrs total. His drugs of choice started with alcohol and cocaine, and he's since graduated to meth and opiodes.
Now the children are 17yrs old and 14yrs old. Their father is more "off the wagon" than "on the wagon" This pandemic has been increasingly difficult on us all and their father is no different. He has always refused help, because the reasons for his addiction is everyone else He also lives a 5 minute walk from us.
He hasn't reached out to the children, or seen them, since November 2020. He's reached out to me, but only because he's wanted me to take him back since the day I left. I last heard from him on my birthday in April (he didn't say "happy birthday" he wanted to know if any mail arrived here - he has never lived at this address, I figured it was a ploy for him to communicate with me. I let the text go and didn't respond.
This has weighed heavily on both of the children. My 17yr old was having suicidal thoughts 2 yrs ago that landed him in the hospital for a week and he's been in intensive outpatient therapy ever since.
My daughter has a therapist and the therapist called me yesterday (after their session) to tell me that my daughter has been engaging in cutting herself
Issues for both of them stem from their father. Beyond counselling and being "there" for them, how do I protect them? They've asked that I let their father know that they don't want to hear from him until he gets clean. I will always do whatever is needed to help them, but sending their dad this text may wake the beast and bring down a whole lot more suffering on the 3 of us.
Do I "poke the bear" and send him the text? Or do I leave it the way it is and address it if/when he reaches out again? You would think after so many years I would know what to do, but I'm really struggling today
11 comments posted: Tuesday, June 8th, 2021
Yesterday was my old wedding anniversary
And I didn't even realize it until something on Facebook triggered the date for me.
In previous years I would spend the last week or so lamenting about the unfairness of it all.
Last year I realized it was The Day on the day.
This year it passed without mention or thought.
Seven years later things don't cut as deep as they used to <3
5 comments posted: Tuesday, April 6th, 2021
First genuine I Love You in 7 years
I have dated people in the past 7 yrs since my divorce but have never felt that I truly loved any of them.
I Love You is a HUGE thing for me and I only say it if I feel it. I did have one boyfriend tell me he loved me, and I panicked and said "thank you" I felt like an ass but it was how I felt.
I've been dating a truly wonderful man since the summertime. I've posted about his here previously. Everything that he stands for is amazing. We have the same values, the same future goals, similar parenting styles (both of our exes have addiction issues so we are both primary caregivers to our children).
Last weekend he told me he loved me. I felt it in my soul and I told him I love him too. Instead of feeling dread (like when my one boyfriend told me this) I felt elation and happiness.
Not much of a reason for posting except to make it real and follow up on my "multidating" thread from a few months ago :)
8 comments posted: Thursday, November 12th, 2020
Love without conditions
I read the words "love without conditions" (in regards to a partner) and it made me realize that, with the exception of my children, I love with conditions.
With a partner, the conditions are to not betray me and not mistreat me. I don't betray and abuse so I expect the same in return. You do one or the other, I can't be with you.
Can anyone say that they can love a partner without conditions? Maybe I'm loving wrong? But this was the main reason why I couldn't stay with my wexh.
11 comments posted: Friday, September 11th, 2020
I am trying to "put myself out there" via online dating. I've tried Tinder and Bumble (won't do Plenty of Fish, my ex is on there lol).
I've been having success with Facebook dating and it's nice because I can see who we have in common and I can do some intel on them before committing to a coffee date.
I've been enjoying first dates in the time of Covid, no awkward pause at the end to see if they will go in for a kiss or hug because I'm very clear about my "bubble" and they get a virtual high five at the end lol.
I've been up front with all of them, that I'm new to Facebook dating app and that I am chatting with more than just them.
I've always settled on one at a time, but now I'm trying things a different way.
As long as I'm up front with them all I'm not doing anything wrong. Anyone else in the same boat? I know I'm especially sensitive to the appearance of being sneaky, and none of them seem bothered since I"m sure they are doing the same thing.
I've sniffed out 2 married men so far, assholes.
33 comments posted: Monday, August 10th, 2020
Thank you, next
Last night I ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 10 months. He has some amazing qualities, but in the last few weeks we've been delving into serious talking territory and it's brought to light some big differences between us.
Old me would have forgiven the differences because of the positives. However, the differences make us fundamentally compatible for the long term. Instead of festering about it, I pulled the plug. So the new, wiser, me knows that I have a tendency to settle and I promised myself that I would never do that again.
This morning I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm going to see where life takes me. I have 2 incredible teenagers (that I've single handedly raised the last 6 yrs), an amazing career and kick ass friends. A partner would be nice but only if he's the right one.
Growth can feel so freeing <3
5 comments posted: Friday, July 17th, 2020
Dating in the time of covid-19
I've been dating a really nice man since September.
We live in the same city but are obviously sheltering in place.
We haven't seen each other since March 15.
It sucks, however it's really nice to be dating a man that puts the good of others (by staying in place) before himself (wanting to see me).
It's been nice to put our physical relationship on hold and nurture the rest of it. We facetime or phone call every night before bed (sometimes for hours because our conversations just flow). We text frequently during the day.
We both had birthdays last week and we delivered our birthday presents to each other. We are reminding each of our own children that this is for the good of everyone and that we all need to make sacrifices.
My ex was always a "what's in it for me" type man. It drove me crazy because it was like being married to a teenager (ftr even my teens understand and don't bug to see their friends).
3 comments posted: Tuesday, May 5th, 2020