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JanaGreen

Attachment styles

I was listening to a podcast yesterday on attachment styles, and I started thinking . . . Oh my god I think I'm avoidant. So I took the quiz in the show notes and sure enough, got avoidant. I'm pretty sure that in my marriage I was the picture of anxious attachment and codependence, but I think going through the divorce and then being single and celibate for two years changed me profoundly. Has anyone else experienced this?

My partner is a very kind person but also has a lot of anxiety generally and he gets especially anxious when I get withdrawn and aloof. I'm going to try to be especially cognizant of when I'm doing things that make him feel like I'm pulling away in the future, now that I have had this realization.

Has anyone else found that they behave very differently in relationships after getting out of a toxic marriage?

5 comments posted: Thursday, February 16th, 2023

I am riding the struggle bus

And watching my ex just seem to win at everything despite being a demonstratively awful person and it's breaking me.

There's no question, nothing I'm really asking for, I just can't really say it anywhere else. I'm hurting.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Omg the bunny is so cute

I love him.

1 comment posted: Friday, April 15th, 2022

Why is this woman popping up on my suggestions on Instagram

She wasn't exactly an OW. She was someone my ex knew through his work, she actually provided a service for his business, and as far as I could tell she was always just professional and polite, but he was constantly trying to get her to come out with him, trying to impress her with pics of his Corvette, bragging about his money, Google image searching for her, basically seemed like a stereotypical older creep with an unrequited crush on a younger woman. No hate for her, he probably put her in an awkward position. I see that now, but not so much then. So, anyway, I was really surprised to see her name pop up on my suggestions. I figured hmmm, ex must be connected to her on social media now, since his current partner doesn't know to be suspicious of that. But I checked and he's not. I thought, well, maybe somehow when I got my new phone, her number, which I used to have saved, got synced to my contacts again. Checked, nope. We have no mutual friends. She had moved years ago after I found out about ex's little midlife crush (that was in 2012), but I guess at some point she moved back near here, but not the same city. Yes, I Facebook stalked lol (AFTER she popped up as suggested). She's married and I doubt she has anything to do with my ex. But she's popped up on Instagram for me several times. Why would this be? I don't understand this algorithm I guess. It's not really important, it's just odd and makes my brain itch. I have no connection to her that I know of other than my ex-husband acting the fool trying to impress her nine years ago.

13 comments posted: Friday, March 18th, 2022

I said something I shouldn't have

I feel so awful about it. I think I need to prioritize finding a counselor to process my shit.

So my partner moved in last March. We locked down together and it worked well so we made it a thing. Now, at the time his daughter (15) was with us every other weekend. I have a 2 BR, 2 BA house, so she didn't have a room. But she assured me that it was fine, she didn't mind.

So this summer things kinda came to a head with her home life with her mom, and my partner and his ex agreed, with my full support, that she would be better off moving here. There are a lot of reasons but short story is it's just a better environment here. Anyway, we started making plans to build an addition so she could have a bedroom, but COVID and supply chain, it's been slow. The house is under 1400 sq ft and there are 5 of us when we are all here.

So I've mentioned my ex is building a huge house on the lake. I'm aggravated about this for many reasons, but it's especially hard listening to my daughter go on and on about all the cool things that will be in the new house. Tonight she made a snarky comment to me about how the hand towel in the upstairs bathroom "hadn't been changed in weeks" and I just kind of lost it. I spend my entire Sunday on my not kid weekend cleaning the house top to bottom. Ex's current house ( not the fancy mansion) is bigger than mine but every time I go over there it's just gross. And my house is small and cluttered because - 5 people! Small space! But it's not DIRTY and YES the fucking hand towel gets changed out. I told her that if she has an issue with the towel she can march her little butt downstairs and grab a fresh one. Then I told her my entire cleaning to-do list that I do every Sunday. By this point she was feeling bad, because she's a good kid. But she still kept saying she misses her old house (the marital hone I had to sell two years ago) and she wishes we had more bathrooms. It's been hard for her, at 12, to share a bathroom with her brother and my partner's 15yo. Maybe I made a mistake agreeing for her to move in. I don't know. Maybe my daughter is just spoiled. But the thing I shouldn't have said was, "I'm sorry, I'll never be able to give you a huge house on the lake with a pool and a boat. I'm doing the best I can. I don't know what you want me to do." And that's when she started crying for real and I felt like a real asshole. Fuck. I made her feel guilty for being excited about the new house, all because of my issues and fear and insecurity.

I fucked up. Please don't try to make me feel better about it. But I don't know how to shake the fear that the kids will prefer the big house to my little one. And I'm ashamed to say, the resentment that my BF isn't in a financial position to help me make it possible for us to move to a bigger house, since it IS big enough for my kids and me, but we are bursting at the seams with the addition of 2 more.

I always try to listen to my kids, to be there for them, make sure they have what they need, show the fuck up to soccer games and parent-teacher conferences. All the things everyone says is more important than money and nice things. But I fear that's bullshit. Why hang out in mom's cramped little house when you have your own art room and theater room and pool at dad's? He's a horrible person and he always wins. I honestly feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I'll probably read this tomorrow and roll my eyes at what a drama queen I was being but right now it feels pretty bad.

19 comments posted: Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

So here's a thing

ExH and his fiancee are pregnant.

He's almost 47, she's 39. Ex and I share 2 kids (11 and 6) and she has one (11).

My son's newborn time was very difficult for me as ex was basically the opposite of helpful as he just created more problems rather than helping . . . and my son was a very needy baby. He's STILL high-needs, and fiancee I'm pretty sure does almost all the heavy lifting with childcare at their house.

I'm worried about the impact this will have on my kids. At first I was stunned but on further reflection, naw, this is exactly on brand for him. Do something completely irrational, the chips fall where they may, and everyone around him deals with the consequences. This wasn't planned . . . it was a "see what happens."

I hope it turns out ok, and I'm certainly going to be supportive of fiancee, who is sweet, and this baby is my children's future sibling (and a total innocent being) so I'll be nothing but kind ever.

But honestly I feel sorry for everyone involved but ex.

Also when telling me this news, ex made mention of "our difficulties" (I had four miscarriages) and I just felt that was a thoughtless and uneccesary kick in the face.

Ugh. I was very Zen yesterday morning, right up until I returned his call. duh

8 comments posted: Thursday, August 19th, 2021

I feel like I need therapy

It's weird that I'm posting this here. Except maybe I feel like the folks here have experience with trauma and can help me?

I'm overwhelmed, I'm anxious. I'm drowning in anxiety. I feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy. I took my son to a new daycare/camp for the first time today and I am certain they think I'm crazy. My son looks and acts normal to a casual observer but he's actually having many seizures per day, but you won't see them unless you know what you're looking for . . . and even if you see them they don't look like a big deal. But I remember the gut punch of his neurologist telling me his EEG was "very abnormal" every day. I look at his adorable face and I know his brain is constantly misfiring but it looks like he is FINE and I feel like a crazy person for worrying. Every time I have to tell people (caretakers, coaches) about his epilepsy I feel like they think I'm nuts. I want them to pay attention and be vigilant but also to treat him like everyone else.

I feel like I was already pretty nuts from the trauma of four miscarriages and my psychologically abusive cheating ex. Then the epilepsy diagnosis knocked us all out - I felt like I was just getting my feet under me and then COVID hit and we were all here in this small house and I was working from home with everyone here and trying to emotionally support my children and be a good girlfriend all while being a model employee because I don't want to get fired and it's just too much, I didn't have child care for the spring and summer, had it for a couple months in the fall and lost it again. Working from home with both kids in the house. I NEED to be able to work from home at least part of the week so I can't let on how much harder it is but omg yeah it is.

I've become obsessed with things being perfect. If someone is coming over (like my son's tutor) I will kill myself getting the house perfect beforehand and still worth that I'm being judged. I feel like I can never compete with married parents and my rich narcissist ex. I constantly feel like a failure. I feel pulled in a million directions.

I signed up for betterhelp because I knew I was losing it but I eventually just cancelled because I had had to reschedule sessions with my counselor so many times because as soon as I scheduled a session, a work conflict would pop up. It just became another source of stress.

I told my boyfriend tonight that I feel like I'm losing it and he said the fact that I'm questioning my sanity means that I'm saner than I think but honestly he's giving me too much credit. I've called the neuro's office with the same questions multiple times and I can't remember the answers. I ask the same questions repeatedly in my epilepsy groups. I feel like I cannot process the answers. Also my 11yo has been talking to me about Roblox the ENTIRE TIME I've been typing this incoherent rant and y'all I just want to go somewhere by myself and not speak to anyone for like a week.

I don't even know what I'm asking for. What do you do when you just feel stretched thin and not human anymore? When you need help to heal but don't have the resources to get that help?

15 comments posted: Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Conversation with bf last night

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this.

Last night we were watching TV, drinking wine, chatting, typical COVID Saturday night on a kid-free weekend, and he told me that he had been chatting back and forth for the past few days on Instagram with a woman he used to work with years ago. He said it was catching up on life, talking about cars (an interest they both have), nothing to do with relationships. She's married. He said he just thought about the fact that he had been trading messages with her for 3 or 4 days and started feeling like he was being sneaky and wanted to tell me, even though the messages were innocent. He tried to give me his phone to let me read them but I told him no, I don't want to read the messages and he shouldn't feel bad about catching up with an old co-worker. I have exchanged email or linkedin pleasantries back and forth with old co-workers I end up reconnecting with at my current job on several occasions and it's not a big deal.

It still made me feel some kind of way, though. With my ex who cheated, he never treated me well and I always knew things were off and wrong. BF treats me like a queen. I don't walk around constantly questioning myself or my perception of reality with him. So part of me thinks, gosh does he feel guilty because he has some secret little crush on this woman? Or is he just that honest? His best friend is a woman that he's known since they were little kids and I couldn't care less that they text or meet up for a drink occasionally (pre-COVID). So idk why this would be different. I don't want to overthink nothing into something.

9 comments posted: Sunday, February 14th, 2021

Relationship green lights

An old coworker of mine posted this on facebook. I feel like it may have actually been posted here before, but I really liked it so I wanted to share it.

RELATIONSHIP GREEN LIGHTS:

-They apologize when they are wrong

-Their words and behaviors align

-They encourage your connections with others (friends, family)

-They speak about their ex-partners with respect

-They communicate clearly and honestly

-They set, honor, and respect boundaries

-They show up authentically and offer you space to do the same

-They are intentional about resolving conflict

-They are actively working on growth and healing

-They share compatible goals for the relationship

-They make you feel seen, heard, and appreciated

27 comments posted: Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

If your SO lives with you but you own the house

How do you handle stuff like home renovation?

I just replaced all the carpet in my home with pergo, and I paid for all the materials and labor. It was something I had planned to do from the time I bought the house, well before he moved in.

So my garage door is old and unsightly, and has started to make weird noises. He just mentioned that when (hopefully) we get our second stimulus checks, he wanted to apply his toward replacing my garage door.

I don't know how I feel about that. He pays me money monthly towards household expenses. But this is different - this is a home improvement and I own the house. Should I just thank him and let him do it?

16 comments posted: Monday, December 21st, 2020

What, if anything, would you do about this?

I wasn't sure whether to put this here or in off topic, but ultimately this is about me TRYING to have a life as separate from my ex as possible, so I am going to post here.

So, to start at the start, last year sometime before I moved, ex got a ticket because he ran a red light that had a camera. Of course, he declared he wasn't going to pay that. And of course, he hadn't switched his address on his license even thought he moved out over a year before that, so the ticket came to my house, and then the next notice, and then the letters from the law office/collection agency. So I just sent them all to him, and he of course ignored them. I just started throwing them away.

Then I moved, and the letters started coming to my NEW house. And it's illogical of course, but it INFURIATED me to see his name associated with my new address. This is MY house and he's never lived here. So I called the law office and told him that we are divorced and he is not associated with this address. They tried to get me to give them his contact information, and I said I don't want to be in the middle of it and hung up. So those letters stopped.

BUT. Now I get junk mail here for him. And that's annoying as fuck. But whatever, I toss it.

So I contacted my mortgage guy about refinancing my house, and I guess due to something he had to do with that process I started getting calls and letters about refinancing. Whatever. Then the other day I got a letter about refinancing MY home . . . with HIS name on it. They had the closing date wrong, and the loan value wrong, but it was a letter to refinance with his name on it and my address.

Do I need to do anything about this? My bf said I should call them because they had my ex associated with my home and I need to correct that but I'm more thinking it's spam and I should ignore it, even though it pisses me off.

I also got a letter from PayPal today with ex's name "or owner" and his business name associated with it - it irritates the fuck out of me. I'm sure he isn't getting a bunch of mail with MY name on it, but because of his dumb unpaid ticket, his name has gotten all comingled with my address. It's maddening.

Thanks if you made it through my whole rant!

19 comments posted: Monday, November 30th, 2020

Step-parenting struggles. Preteen struggles.

Not me, my guy.

We aren't married, so technically he's not a step-parent. But he's living with us.

So I posted about the stunt my ex pulled over fall break.

Since the kids have been back, my daughter (let's call her K) has been an 11 on a scale of 10 for drama for every little thing. They don't have the Halloween candy she wants at target - sobbing fit. Every homework assignment - sobbing dramatic meltdown (incidentally, she's a straight A student). She tends to be pretty anxious and perfectionistic about school but we are at eleventy.

She's also been increasingly lashing out at my guy (let's call him MG). We've had issues with my son, who's now 5, engaging in power struggles with MG but now they get along great. K and MG have always gotten along fine, but lately she's been really rude and disrespectful to him. He generally cooks, and she sneers at whatever he makes and refuses to eat it. She bites his head off whenever she needs help with something, I'm busy, and he offers to help. I asked her last night if MG had done anything to upset her and she said no, she was stressed out and he was just a convenient target. This past weekend she made a similar comment, "I wanted to be mean to someone and he was there."

I told her that MG is really trying to be nice to her and treat her well. She said, "Yeah, because of you." (As in, he's just trying to win points with me through being nice to my kids). I don't really know how to respond to that. I mean yeah, he's here because of me, obviously, but he's not faking nice to the kids.

I think she's upset about other things (in addition to dealing with online school and her dad's shenanigans, her best friend also just abruptly moved to another town, plus her brother is high needs and takes a lot of my attention due to multiple specialist appointments) and MG is just a convenient target because he's "safe."

But OMG. The level of drama and angst is wearing on all of us. I don't know what to do. I want to help her deal with her emotions and also get MG out of this unfair emotional punching bag position.

Not that it's about me, but Fuck. I'm feeling like a complete and utter failure as a parent.

26 comments posted: Wednesday, November 4th, 2020

It just hit me

Geez, the more recent members have had D-Days while locked down with their spouses.

How utterly awful.

7 comments posted: Monday, October 26th, 2020

No consequences

Very long story, but to hit the high points, my ex took the kids on vacation last week and my parents happened to be staying nearby, around 20 min away. My parents took the kids Thursday night and were bringing them back to him Friday evening. His fiancee went home Friday for a family thing and they got into a fight on the way to the airport. After he dropped her off, he went to a bar near his rental house and started drinking.

He called me about an hour before my parents were supposed to bring the kids back, supposedly to talk about concerns with our son, but it was more just rambling repetitive incoherence, and I pretty quickly deduced that he was drunk. So I talked to him for a while telling him he needed to stop drinking, and he told me he was, but when he told me to "hold on" and then I heard him not only try to order three shots, but then also get denied service, I told him I was hanging up with him and calling my parents to tell them to take the kids back with them.

So they had been sitting at his rental house trying to call him and text him, and my daughter was upset and worried. I got in touch with them, and unfortunately they decided to go in and get more clothes for the kids and he showed up while they were there. He scared my daughter because he kept telling her he loved her soooo much and crying. He had an absolutely bananas conversation with my dad about how upset he was about an argument he had with my sister 11 years ago (which he then called me and yelled about after they left). Just ridiculous behavior.

Next day he called my parents and apologized and then called me. He said, "This us why I don't drink anymore." And USUALLY he doesn't and I've never known him to drink around the kids. I think for most normal people, you can think, I have a few hours to myself, I'm going to have a glass of wine or three, but I cant get too crazy because I have to be responsible for my children later. But he very, very often turns into the drunkest guy in the room when he drinks.

So now we are reeling from this experience and he says he doesn't even remember it. I have all these things in my mind that he said, plus the terror of being in another time zone and helpless to protect my kids. My parents have this drama in their minds. My daughter saw her dad blotto. And her birthday party is this weekend. So we all have to suck it up and smile. I'm so mad because things are hard enough, I'm trying to deal with all kinds of early intervention stuff for my epileptic son, my daughter is struggling with online learning and missing her friends. There's so much unavoidable stress and he chose to just take a big old drama dump on everyone and it could have been avoided.

I was venting to my boyfriend about it and he said, "It's just like everything else in his life, he has no consequences." And it's true.

But am I the one who should impose consequences or does that just hurt the kids? My lawyer friend's advice was to document everything that happened that night, which I did, but one incident doesn't make a pattern and won't be grounds for a custody change. There was one incident two years ago where he was supposed to pick up the kids and "accidentally" got too drunk and didn't come. But they were in my care and we didn't have a custody schedule then.

Not even sure what I'm looking for here. I'm angry. Really angry.

12 comments posted: Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Lawd y'all been spending too much time in General

Depressing.

Tell me something good.

On Saturday, my nephew came over and ripped out my daughter's old gross carpet and laid down some nice Pergo. Looks 100x better. Son's bedroom is next week, then hopefully master week after that.

I'm so pleased to be getting my little house in order.

Also, DD had her first half day of online school and it went great.

35 comments posted: Monday, August 24th, 2020

The little cape cod and the huge lake house

Right now my ex lives about three minutes away from me. It's so convenient for kid stuff. I love my house but it's small and not fancy. I'm making updates but it's slow going due to time restraints and the cost. Our old house was bigger (2600 sq ft versus 1500 sq ft) and more updated, and my 10yo daughter has occasionally made comments about how she dislikes this house. I try not to take it personally but I'm very proud of my little house so it does hurt my feelings a bit.

So ex's current house, the one near mine, is nice but nothing fancy. But he's purchased a lake lot about 25 minutes away from where we live, and while i haven't seen the house plans, based on the houses close by and my knowledge of how he is, I'm sure he's going to build a huge house. My daughter has gone on and on about how she and her step sister to be are going to have their own art room, and the set up of their bedrooms, etc.

I am just worried that as she gets to the age where impressing her friends is super important, she won't want to hang out at mom's basic little house. I mean, what teenager wouldn't want to impress their friends with a big fancy house on the lake? I cannot compete with this.

My guy is telling me not to worry but I can't help it. I know he's drama and a headache (my ex, not my guy), and he's hardly around, but as she gets older she won't care if he's there or not.

I want my home to be a place of stability and calm because I know with ex things are always chaos. But I worry that I'll just be boring to them and daddy will be exciting. Or his money will be. And then I feel guilty for not giving my kids enough credit.

Just ugh.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:38 PM, August 15th (Saturday)]

6 comments posted: Saturday, August 15th, 2020

Indoor date ideas in a friggin pandemic?

NeverTwice's lovely posts and NRE inspired me to suggest to the BF that we go on a date on Saturday. He suggested a big breakfast at home followed by a hike, which sounds PERFECT - except now the forecast says 80% chance of thunderstorms.

Social distancing is much easier outdoors but that's looking dim. Any ideas that would get us outta the house?

9 comments posted: Thursday, August 13th, 2020

Oh the memories

I have too many different apps backing up photos. I get memories from Facebook, from Google, from Amazon. Usually it's a delightful picture of one of my babies and it makes my day. Yesterday it was a screenshot from 4 years ago of the last woman I caught my ex messaging. She's a fitness model who competes in bikini contests. I had picked up his phone to see the time on the lock screen and saw a message pop up on Facebook. The name was androgynous so I opened it praying it was a male. Nope. Worst nightmare type woman for a perpetually exhausted still nursing mom of a baby with too much pregnancy fluff still firmly attached, looking and feeling ragged all the time - fitness model with full face makeup/conture, long professionally highlighted hair cascading in perfect waves, fake tiddies standing tall, proudly displayed in a gym selfie that showed her perfect abs and slim toned body.

Her message was clearly responding to his but the previous messages had been deleted. He claimed that he was asking her workout advice. I guess Google and all his gym bros were unavailable. I don't blame her - he shot his shot with all kinds of women, it wasn't like she encouraged it most likely. But it was the last time. Four years ago. I always hated going to that gym after we separated because I wondered if all his gym friends knew who I was (it wasnt like he was proud enough of me to ever introduce me to them - I was home taking care of the kids while he was working out or socializing with them) or in looking at the women there, how many of them he had hit on or if he had succeeded with any of them. Eventually I let my membership lapse. I'd rather run in my neighborhood and count the squirrels anyway.

Would that bother you guys or would you shrug it off?

It bothered me.

11 comments posted: Friday, July 31st, 2020

Ex is engaged

To the girlfriend he started dating before divorce was filed, the one he called me asking for advice about after he cheated on her before the divorce was final. The one who called ME for advice after her counselor urged her to do so after they broke up one of many times. The same girlfriend about whom he mused, "Dating someone with kids [she has one, we have two] is a lot of work - maybe I should have stuck with the hot 27-year-old" [the one he cheated on her with].

Apparently there was no real proposal, he got her a ring and wasnt sure he liked it so he showed it to her. I asked him, well, did she say yes? And he said oh yeah, that's what she's wanted from day 1.

Y'all. Im sure this is going to be smooooth sailing, right?

28 comments posted: Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

Child support frustration

So ex pays CS via venmo. Every month I end up having to remind him multiple times to pay it. He is also, per the divorce decree, responsible for medical bills other than co-pays. My son had a hospital stay of a couple of days back in December and our healthcare system being what it is, we are making payments of $100 a month on the large bill for that hospital, and receiving separate bills for other services. This month on July 1 I sent him the payment request for child support for July, a request for the $100 for the hospital, and a request for $195 for the Emergency Room Physicians. Because I hold the insurance, all these bills are in my name so I went ahead and paid them.

I sent him a reminder via the venmo app a few days ago, and he did not pay. Last night I texted him and asked him if he could go ahead and pay. He started questioning the emergency room physician bill, so I screenshot all the information that I had previously sent him two weeks before when I paid it. Now radio silence. And he has not paid.

I guess the icing on the cake that makes me super frustrated is that when I go into the venmo app, I see that he's made all kinds of payments to other people for things like beer and ribs for the grill and other various and sundry things, but I continually have to remind him to pay his child support and his kid's medical bills. I'm feeling very frustrated. It does get paid eventually, and it's not like the lateness of the payment impacts my ability to pay my bills, but it is very frustrating. He is self-employed so having the state take it out of his paychecks is not an option. What would you guys do? Just suck it up and accept that he's going to be late every month, or something else?

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 7:56 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

27 comments posted: Monday, July 13th, 2020

Revulsion

Does anyone else feel repulsed when your mind wanders to the past, having sex with your ex? I feel queasy just typing that out.

None of my other exes bother me when I remember the past but it makes me ill to think of exH that way.

18 comments posted: Wednesday, May 20th, 2020

The Human Magnet Syndrome

Holy shit.

20 pages in and so much about my marriage makes sense now.

I even understand why I dumped my nice college boyfriend who treated me like a queen now.

1 comment posted: Monday, April 10th, 2017

Dark Tower fans?

I know, another Stephen King post . . .

But yeah. SPOILER ALERT. I'm on book 6, Song of Susannah. What in the world with King appearing as a character in his own book? I can't figure out if I love it or hate it. Please do to spoil anything in book 7 for me, just tell me if you liked it or were disappointed.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, December 24th, 2014

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