My new positives+Gratefulness thread
Hey all! I do not post often, but wished to have a place I could go back to and update for myself to see how far I've come. My divorce from ExWH went through in September 2023, and since then things have become steadier and less stressful. There have been many improvements in my life since ExWH yeeted himself from our home for the COW.
-I started a second part time job in December 2022 that I enjoy being at. I've been there over a year now and thoroughly enjoy my coworkers and the environment. In essentials, I'm working the two part time jobs so that I can still be there for my child when he's not at school. The income from both has been helping us become more stable.
-My son started Kindergarden and - while he's having some issues socially - seems to be doing very well academically. I'm thankful that his teachers and the school are great at communicating with parents on issues. We are working on getting him an IEP so that he can thrive.
-I've found I can fix a lot of things myself! I used to wait around begging EXWH to help me find solutions to fixing things (mainly because he'd give me hell when things needed to be fixed) and he'd blatantly ignore the problems, or get upset at me wanting to fix them in the first place. Now I know places I can call for repairs for the home and have managed to do minor car/house fixes on my own. It's lovely not having someone say I am a bad person for getting things done because it makes them feel guilt.
-There's less chores needing to be done in the home. With EXWH not in the house my chore load has gone down significantly. Less laundry, less trash, the house is cleaner. Because of this -despite being a single parent - I have far more me time and am able to do things I enjoy doing. Even my son has gotten better at helping take care of the home.
-I no longer care who the ex hangs out with. I also no longer care about the ex friends who ghosted me/my child. It's rather freeing to no longer be setting myself on fire trying to please these people. The ex still does everything he can to please them - including skipping out on his supervised visitation with our kid - but this is no longer my problem. I've stopped expecting these people to act like reasonable, respectable, or responsible adults. His friends can continue being my ex's chaos janitor while I go off to make a happy memory with my kid.
3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 23rd, 2024
Wisdom and advice needed while dealing with stbx, setbacks of divorce/mediation
Hello people of SI. I am in need of your wisdom and advice as I deal with continued nonsense from STBXWH, setbacks with the divorce, and setting up for mediation.
First problem is the exhaustion and anger with money inequality. I am feeling extremely burnt out due to single parenting, working 2 part time jobs to make ends meet (while still having time to care for my child), and dealing with a STBXWH who continually fails to follow through on visitation/parenting promises. I don't know what to tell my son when he asks, "Why is Daddy buying himself more toys again?"
Second issue is the constant attacks/attempts to make me the villain by STBXWH. I have to keep stuffing my frustration down because I have to seem like the sane parent for divorce/mediation, but how do I continue keeping it up when dealing with this utter nonsense along with the third issue?
Third problem is the constant disappointments for the divorce and mediation. I was supposed to be divorced back in July but STBXWH lied about giving the OK for it with his lawyer and signed a request to give him more time to respond. He's also gone back on his word in his reply to the mediation paperwork. He said he wanted everything but my car. I don't want my child to see how afraid I am for our future, but it's so damn hard.
I'm already in therapy and have been since STBXWH left. While it is a good place to rant about things going wrong I still have intense times of lost hope, no energy, and extreme anger. Any advice for dealing with lack of security, being utterly drained, and everything else I've mentioned would be helpful. Even hearing I'm not the only one who's in this type of situation would make me feel less lonely.
Edit: condensed much of my rant made in frustration so it's easier to read.
8 comments posted: Monday, August 28th, 2023
My son started Kindergarten today
I don't normally post when things are going well but this feels like a big enough life event that I'd like to share. My little boy started his first day of Kindergarten today! When it came time for him to go to class with his teacher he trotted off without a backwards glance. It was a huge relief that he was confident and comfortable enough to do that because he had complained for the past week about not wanting to go to school and being scared to go. I of course cried on the drive home about my baby growing up, but am so pleased that his day started so well!
Will be crossing my fingers that he comes home happy and makes a few good friends.
5 comments posted: Monday, August 14th, 2023
Hey all. A month ago I signed the paperwork to start the divorce process. It was 1 year and 1 day after STBXWH was found at COW's house (my DDay 2) and the exact amount of time (1year and 1 day) that the state requires you to be separated to file for divorce. My lawyer says the divorce will be legal and completed as of tomorrow. After that we'll be entering into mediation of who gets what.
This being the last day of my marriage is not what I expected. With everything I've been through the past year and never any hope of reconciling I thought that it would be like a New Years eve countdown to us legally being nothing. Instead I feel a bit of a hollow emptiness and have had to keep myself from crying the past week. I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I'd basically been a married single parent doing everything at the house and juggling part time work with childcare of my five year old.
Was anyone else this way? Happy on the day you signed to end your marriage then glum as it died a silent death? Other than being down at no longer being "a wife" things are OK for me. I can name several ways my life has improved over the year and I have things I've been looking forward to that had to wait until my divorce was final, but I'm still sad that my marriage is ending.
Edit to add: got a bit of a shock today. My lawyer said STBXWH's lawyer filed an extension and the divorce was not finalized like it was supposed to. Now my grief feels like it's been bottled back up and I'm sitting in disbelief.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, July 18th, 2023
In a slight funk
Hey All. Just wanted to post as I'm sure you've all been through this before. Things are improving somewhat on my end but some rather small stuff still put me in a slight funk. Not enough to put me back where I was when everything came crashing down but enough that I don't really get to enjoy things as much as I should when I'm feeling this way.
The trigger for my slight funk today is seeing how STBXWH's siblings don't make eye contact with me during pick up/drop off of my son and only interact if forced to. His parents are nice and still treat me like their daughter since they've known me for over 20 years (since I was 17). STBXWH is living back with his parents and his siblings who are all in their early-mid twenties. His brothers I've known since one was 4 years old and the other was 8. It's a bummer that the people I viewed as little brothers for so long semi-shun me over something their brother did and that they probably believe some lies he's telling about me. I keep telling myself that at least they don't treat my son any differently and enjoy being around him, but it still sucks.
There is also a simmering anger that I sometimes feel towards the ex-family friends who have ghosted not only me, but also my child. They've basically embraced STBXWH, let him around their kids/make him feel special, and still hang out with his COW. This wouldn't anger me so much if my child wasn't so hurt by it - and if my STBXWH didn't try to rub it in my face (in front of our son!) what those ex-friends do with him. Funnily enough it's a relief to not be around those people any more as STBX put so much pressure on me to please them, do as they do -often putting me down in comparison to what they have/do, and made their needs more important then my own/our son. STBX still prioritizes those friends over his kid.
I guess it's just the feeling of futility knowing that -even being the sane parent and doing as much as I can - people are still going to believe the worst in me. It's also the knowing that I allowed myself to stay in a relationship where I was not a priority to STBX because he always valued what others thought of him more.
Sorry for the rant. Injustice stinks.
6 comments posted: Saturday, July 1st, 2023
Year long separation requirement completed today
My year long separation requirement is complete as of today. I can begin filing for divorce as the wait is over! It feels surreal, knowing that he walked out of our home a year ago today and that I can finally begin legally splitting from STBXWH. It's also triggering as heck as my mind is replaying all that STBXWH (and my mother) put me through back then. Things never really got better during the year from hell. I've lost "mutual friends" who were really STBXWH/COW's friends. STBXWH has repeatedly shown he doesn't care about schedules (visiting his son/otherwise) and refuses to listen as "scheduling anything makes him want to die" (including hearing in advance any event scheduled for our child). Extended family has shown that they either don't take what STBXWH is doing seriously (in-laws) or that they'd prefer to add to the drama and make my divorce about themselves (my mother/my side of the extended family).
I will be contacting my lawyer later today about getting the paperwork started so that hopefully - in the next two months - it will all be over. I'm not sure if I want to go back to my maiden name as I have so many documents and bills that would have to be changed as well. A part of me would like to take my maiden name back, but then I wouldn't share my last name with my son anymore. I'm also nervous about the fallout with my in-laws in divorcing STBXWH. Right now they're cordial with me so that my son has decent exchanges between the houses for supervised visitation. I don't know if that will continue to be the case when property has to be split up and it becomes official that I'm no longer with their son.
8 comments posted: Wednesday, May 24th, 2023
Emotions back to square one
I don't know if this is the right place to post this problem. I just need to rant into the void at something that's triggered me so hard today that I'm back to being in a pathetic crying depressive funk.
My mother called me today excitedly to say that she ran into ex family friend (one that chose my STBXWH/OW) and that they spoke to her nicely. The ex family friend apparently came up to her and started the conversation himself! She was so thrilled going, "Oh, I wonder if this means anything? But isn't it funny that he can be nice and talk to everyone but you?" My STBXWH confirmed that, "Yeah, Ex friend ran into your mom and began the convo- but he only did it because it would be awkward if he didn't acknowledge her."
This triggers me in so many ways. It's not just the ex friends who "Are nice/talk to everyone but you!" Before that it was my mother who made me her scapegoat. Then it was my STBXWH who said his affair was all my fault. It's another slap in the face that me - the one who is betrayed and trying to make a stable life more my child - gets continually shunned while my STBXWH, his family, the COW, and even my mother (Who ex friends hate!) can all act fake happy like nothing is wrong. As to another layer, my mother has always been overly competitive with me over things that should never be a competition- so her being acknowledged by those who obviously are ignoring me gave her something to brag on.
It's like seeing the rejection happen all over again at the beginning of STBXWH's affair where I'm the only one treated like a disease and the COW replaces me in every way. That the ex friends were fake supportive for a while until they found it easier to hang out with OW, and even put STBXWH and OW back together at work. I hate being reduced again to the scapegoat that everyone rejects just for existing.
I cannot legally file for my divorce for another month as I have to adhere to the year long separation time limit that's required here. I don't know if even being legally free of STBXWH will help the situation at all as we will still have to coparent our son for over a decade. I've lost all hope in having a decent future and no longer believe in marriage/love, long term friendships, or even in being able to reasonably rely on family as -depending on the day- my mom will pull stuff like the above or threaten to take away the help she was doing because she doesn't like something she cannot control (i.e. me/my life).
Again, sorry for the rant. I just feel so hopeless and alone. Like the pain these people put me through either means nothing to them or amuses them. Honestly, with all the ex friends have done with the ghosting/putting STBXWH back with OW I don't even want to be near them anymore. It's more the knowledge that "Yep, you're the only one shunned!" that gets me.
10 comments posted: Friday, April 28th, 2023
Feeling attacked on all sides about divorce
Hey all. I don't know if this is more of a rant into the void, a need for being heard, or a wish to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this before. Last year I wrote about never wanting a divorce and hating that I had to go through it/hating that STBXWH was still acting like a jerk to me while going after the OW. Now? Due to STBXWH's continued behaviors I am irritated that I can't get the divorce done sooner and move on with my life. Where I am you have to be living separately for over a year before you can file for divorce. I won't be able to file until later this year and my lawyer has said there's nothing I can do by myself beforehand to make it go easier.
This long wait is a trial on many fronts. On the one hand I have my side of the family constantly putting in their two cents and grumbling that I haven't already divorced. No matter how many times I say "that's the law here" for having to wait to file or "I can't legally do (petty suggested thing here) because it would look bad in court" I'm apparently not doing enough for the extended family to be happy. They also bring up how THEY are upset at STBXWH and how hurt THEY are at what he did, while I'm sitting here going, "Yeah, but the things you're angry at are things he did to me and my kid...?" They get angry at me for acting in a friendly/civil manner and not being a rude jerk to STBXWH because they (and others) think that me being nice means there is no divorce in sight. It doesn't matter that I can point out how losing my temper or showing anger just makes things worse. They want to see me be as upset as they are and try to make me feel bad for not showing it.
On the other hand there is STBXWH's side of the family who minimize everything I say he is doing and who expect me to keep taking care of him. They wonder why I am still thinking of a divorce as they think STBXWH is trying to work on things between us (he isn't) and that STBXWH is not in contact with OW (he sees her at work and messages her on weekends).
Then there is STBXWH. He is upset that I want a divorce and has threatened to take his life if I file when the waiting time is up and he's not ready for it. He has said that his life/needs trump my need to be able to move on or have what I need (knowledge of resources I'll have) to create stability for our kid. He's accused me of "rushing into a divorce" despite being confronted several times that "I've told you I wanted this for months, and there is only X more months to go." He won't work with me on separation of property which can be done before divorce. It just feels like it never ends.
I guess the main problem is something I've always felt. I'm not listened to and people (STBXWH and His/My Family) get angry at me for not going ahead with what they tell me to do and refuse to take into account what I want for my life. I only have one good friend I can rant with about these things and I feel like I'm overloading them with the train wreck my life is.
Does anyone else deal with this?
7 comments posted: Monday, February 27th, 2023
Dealing with Parent death/Hospice timeline
Hello SI. My father had a surgery last month that he never recovered from and has slowly been slipping away for the past month. He had been in the hospital ever since having the surgery, and was in ICU for two weeks after catching pneumonia. As of yesterday my mom finally came to the decision to get dad transferred to a "Hospice house" so that either his breathing can be stabilized enough he can be returned home to pass, or so he can be in a calm environment (the hospice house itself) to go with dignity. I thankfully live locally and have been able to be a support on the sidelines for mom when I'm not having to stand alone myseslf due to custody issues/STBXWH. I have found ways to get mom more support through this process like getting my sister flown in for a month when dad was first going downhill, arranging with my sister other relatives who could be called in to help mom, and trying to make plans for when the inevitable happens. Just recently my sister and I had to reassure mom she's making the best decisions she can for dad with what medical issues there are as extended family is causing...drama over what is/isn't being done for dad. A complicating factor is that dad's mental state was already deteriorating from Vascular Dementia over the past three years, so moving him from place to place and getting him the care he needs has been...less than ideal for his peace of mind.
I know I am a person who copes by having plans, back up plans, and back up plans for the back up plans. I have never had to prepare myself for losing a parent while also dealing with the death of my marriage though. My questions for SI would be:
1. What kinds of timelines might I expect for my father's passing?
I know that this will vary greatly, but knowing a range of possible soonest to possible latest that others have experienced would somewhat help me grapple with what is going on. We're also being given a back and forth on "best practices" for letting him go - feeding tubes/fluids versus medications only- so this makes the letting go even harder and is adding to the stress/guilt for my mom.
2. Ways to continue support for my mom after it's all said and done.
My parents have been married since 1975, so losing dad will be very hard on mom. She also stubbornly took up all of his care and refused to get other services/help in the past few years as she'd keep saying "he's not at that point yet." I know she's now feeling guilt that she didn't push for more to get done sooner, but I want to make sure that she doesn't let herself slip away after dad goes.
3. Any suggestions for talking to my four year old son about losing his grandpa?
I honestly do not know how to approach this with my son now. He loves my dad. He also now thinks that when people go to the doctor/hospital they go "poof" and never come back because both my STBXWH and my father went into hospitals around the same time (STBXWH due to mental health) and my son has not been able to be near either of them since. My son had a mini meltdown when I said I had to go to a check up with a doctor because he thought I was going to "go poof" and never come back either. Before my STBXWH's affair and leaving us I had an idea of how I could talk about it, but what I would have said then would only make my child worry more now that he's going to lose me.
Edit to add:
Number one was answered just this morning. My father passed away at 12:47am. We are notifying extended family.
24 comments posted: Thursday, July 21st, 2022
I never wanted this
Hello all. I had to make a new account some time ago as my WH started reading my posts (making me feel less secure getting help) and then tried to gaslight me saying "As long as you know everything you're writing isn't true!"...so keeping some things vagueish for now.
I never wanted a separation and I never thought I would be having to get in touch with a divorce attorney but things have come to a head. My WH keeps acting out and - instead of using what he learned in therapy- keeps reacting on impulses which lead to more poor decisions, which lead to more "guilt," which leads to more "I want to die" moments from him, etc.
A couple weeks ago after he performed more self harm on himself and I did not react the way he wanted (no pity, just fear and trying to figure out how/where he got the object to do it) he decided he needed to leave the house as talking to me supposedly makes him want to die. Pulled a whole spiel about how I needed to trust him (no one did) and that he would find a way to not want to die. He basically bounced from place to place for two weeks - barely telling the same story on what he was doing or where he was. It got to the point that he lied to me, a close family friend who was supposed to help keep him stable, and apparently to the OW about where he was. He told me he was one place, he told our family friend he was at home, and he told the OW that "oh yeah, wife and friend said it was OK for me to be here with you!" Our family friend found out where he was, told me, and is forcing him into help (inpatient something).
At this point with my WH doing everything he can to get OW attention - including some things that potentially put my/my son's safety at risk- I'm now having to contact a divorce attorney. I never wanted a divorce. I just wanted my best friend who I used to be able to trust with everything to come back. I don't know what it is about his obsession and infatuation with this OW that makes him throw away the family and life that we built but nothing seems to be getting through to him. Even pleas to do better for our son go ignored.
Sorry for the long rant. I never thought that we would ever be in this position as we were childhood sweethearts and knew everything about each other. Forcing the legal separation that can lead to divorce seems like the only way I can protect my child from the idiocy that my husband keeps acting on. Where we are you have to be separated and living in different places for over a year to be able to divorce. In home separation wouldn't count. Also, I'm trying to establish a good routine/schedule with family and friends for my young son to make him feel secure despite his father suddenly "going poof." Hopefully being around more extended family that love him will help...
28 comments posted: Tuesday, June 7th, 2022