Year long separation requirement completed today
My year long separation requirement is complete as of today. I can begin filing for divorce as the wait is over! It feels surreal, knowing that he walked out of our home a year ago today and that I can finally begin legally splitting from STBXWH. It's also triggering as heck as my mind is replaying all that STBXWH (and my mother) put me through back then. Things never really got better during the year from hell. I've lost "mutual friends" who were really STBXWH/COW's friends. STBXWH has repeatedly shown he doesn't care about schedules (visiting his son/otherwise) and refuses to listen as "scheduling anything makes him want to die" (including hearing in advance any event scheduled for our child). Extended family has shown that they either don't take what STBXWH is doing seriously (in-laws) or that they'd prefer to add to the drama and make my divorce about themselves (my mother/my side of the extended family).
I will be contacting my lawyer later today about getting the paperwork started so that hopefully - in the next two months - it will all be over. I'm not sure if I want to go back to my maiden name as I have so many documents and bills that would have to be changed as well. A part of me would like to take my maiden name back, but then I wouldn't share my last name with my son anymore. I'm also nervous about the fallout with my in-laws in divorcing STBXWH. Right now they're cordial with me so that my son has decent exchanges between the houses for supervised visitation. I don't know if that will continue to be the case when property has to be split up and it becomes official that I'm no longer with their son.
5 comments posted: Wednesday, May 24th, 2023
Emotions back to square one
I don't know if this is the right place to post this problem. I just need to rant into the void at something that's triggered me so hard today that I'm back to being in a pathetic crying depressive funk.
My mother called me today excitedly to say that she ran into ex family friend (one that chose my STBXWH/OW) and that they spoke to her nicely. The ex family friend apparently came up to her and started the conversation himself! She was so thrilled going, "Oh, I wonder if this means anything? But isn't it funny that he can be nice and talk to everyone but you?" My STBXWH confirmed that, "Yeah, Ex friend ran into your mom and began the convo- but he only did it because it would be awkward if he didn't acknowledge her."
This triggers me in so many ways. It's not just the ex friends who "Are nice/talk to everyone but you!" Before that it was my mother who made me her scapegoat. Then it was my STBXWH who said his affair was all my fault. It's another slap in the face that me - the one who is betrayed and trying to make a stable life more my child - gets continually shunned while my STBXWH, his family, the COW, and even my mother (Who ex friends hate!) can all act fake happy like nothing is wrong. As to another layer, my mother has always been overly competitive with me over things that should never be a competition- so her being acknowledged by those who obviously are ignoring me gave her something to brag on.
It's like seeing the rejection happen all over again at the beginning of STBXWH's affair where I'm the only one treated like a disease and the COW replaces me in every way. That the ex friends were fake supportive for a while until they found it easier to hang out with OW, and even put STBXWH and OW back together at work. I hate being reduced again to the scapegoat that everyone rejects just for existing.
I cannot legally file for my divorce for another month as I have to adhere to the year long separation time limit that's required here. I don't know if even being legally free of STBXWH will help the situation at all as we will still have to coparent our son for over a decade. I've lost all hope in having a decent future and no longer believe in marriage/love, long term friendships, or even in being able to reasonably rely on family as -depending on the day- my mom will pull stuff like the above or threaten to take away the help she was doing because she doesn't like something she cannot control (i.e. me/my life).
Again, sorry for the rant. I just feel so hopeless and alone. Like the pain these people put me through either means nothing to them or amuses them. Honestly, with all the ex friends have done with the ghosting/putting STBXWH back with OW I don't even want to be near them anymore. It's more the knowledge that "Yep, you're the only one shunned!" that gets me.
10 comments posted: Friday, April 28th, 2023
Feeling attacked on all sides about divorce
Hey all. I don't know if this is more of a rant into the void, a need for being heard, or a wish to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this before. Last year I wrote about never wanting a divorce and hating that I had to go through it/hating that STBXWH was still acting like a jerk to me while going after the OW. Now? Due to STBXWH's continued behaviors I am irritated that I can't get the divorce done sooner and move on with my life. Where I am you have to be living separately for over a year before you can file for divorce. I won't be able to file until later this year and my lawyer has said there's nothing I can do by myself beforehand to make it go easier.
This long wait is a trial on many fronts. On the one hand I have my side of the family constantly putting in their two cents and grumbling that I haven't already divorced. No matter how many times I say "that's the law here" for having to wait to file or "I can't legally do (petty suggested thing here) because it would look bad in court" I'm apparently not doing enough for the extended family to be happy. They also bring up how THEY are upset at STBXWH and how hurt THEY are at what he did, while I'm sitting here going, "Yeah, but the things you're angry at are things he did to me and my kid...?" They get angry at me for acting in a friendly/civil manner and not being a rude jerk to STBXWH because they (and others) think that me being nice means there is no divorce in sight. It doesn't matter that I can point out how losing my temper or showing anger just makes things worse. They want to see me be as upset as they are and try to make me feel bad for not showing it.
On the other hand there is STBXWH's side of the family who minimize everything I say he is doing and who expect me to keep taking care of him. They wonder why I am still thinking of a divorce as they think STBXWH is trying to work on things between us (he isn't) and that STBXWH is not in contact with OW (he sees her at work and messages her on weekends).
Then there is STBXWH. He is upset that I want a divorce and has threatened to take his life if I file when the waiting time is up and he's not ready for it. He has said that his life/needs trump my need to be able to move on or have what I need (knowledge of resources I'll have) to create stability for our kid. He's accused me of "rushing into a divorce" despite being confronted several times that "I've told you I wanted this for months, and there is only X more months to go." He won't work with me on separation of property which can be done before divorce. It just feels like it never ends.
I guess the main problem is something I've always felt. I'm not listened to and people (STBXWH and His/My Family) get angry at me for not going ahead with what they tell me to do and refuse to take into account what I want for my life. I only have one good friend I can rant with about these things and I feel like I'm overloading them with the train wreck my life is.
Does anyone else deal with this?
7 comments posted: Monday, February 27th, 2023
Losing the "Mutual friends"
This is something that's been frustrating me to no end recently and will unfortunately be a bit of a rant. STBXWH and I had a set of mutual married friends who we were aunt and uncle to their kids, and they were aunt and uncle to our son. At my first DDay (Christmas 2021) they were both appalled that Wh was cheating on me with his coworker -who one of the mutual friends also works with- with both of them saying "we aren't team BS or WS we are team (My kid). They kept promising to always be there, always have my back, that I could tell them anything, etc etc. Those friends showed themselves to be just as bad as my STBXWH with remaining steady and faithful.
As of three months ago they ghosted me and my child. They blew up because I wasn't putting "their kid's safety first" -this because I told them I couldn't babysit as a single parent trying to get more work. They accused me of getting back with my STBXWH. They accused of many other things which I now find somewhat sad and ironic as it was a projection of the crap they were doing. "You're getting back with STBXWH!" was followed by them reconnecting and getting closer to STBXWH. "You don't care about our kid" was followed (and somewhat preceded) by neither of them asking about my own child and how he's doing - which is unforgivable when you know of all the losses my five year old has gone through this year (STBXWH cheating/leaving, my dad dying, losing a beloved pet). I later learned that - at the time they ghosted me - they'd started hanging out with OW and her husband more regularly. The ex mutual friends backtracked and refused to believe that there was any real cheating as "it was one sided." The OW told them she wasn't actually involved in cheating, yet the messages between she and STBXWH are pretty damning. One of these mutal friends who works with the two of them even set OW and STBXWH back up to hang out at work -in his own office- because the OW wanted to have a "profesional relationship" with STBXHW.
This turnaround of "we'll always have your back" to literally stepping out of my/my son's life during what would be the worst time of year for us and throwing OW and STBXWH together made me do what would appear obvious: Unfriend the both of them on any/all platforms and not engage in the cycle of stupidity they've started. STBXWH is freaking out about me being ghosted by the mutal friends and keeps pushing ME to be the one to reconnect with them. That's obviously not going to happen.
Also, while I accept that they suck and that their help during this hellish time apparently had strings attached I feel so angry. It's like another DDay finding out friends of over a decade can treat me and my child like this. My friend circle was already small before DDay and so many of them seem to be rugsweeping and supporting OW/STBXWH. I just don't understand how people can be this stupid.
13 comments posted: Sunday, January 22nd, 2023
Dealing with Parent death/Hospice timeline
Hello SI. My father had a surgery last month that he never recovered from and has slowly been slipping away for the past month. He had been in the hospital ever since having the surgery, and was in ICU for two weeks after catching pneumonia. As of yesterday my mom finally came to the decision to get dad transferred to a "Hospice house" so that either his breathing can be stabilized enough he can be returned home to pass, or so he can be in a calm environment (the hospice house itself) to go with dignity. I thankfully live locally and have been able to be a support on the sidelines for mom when I'm not having to stand alone myseslf due to custody issues/STBXWH. I have found ways to get mom more support through this process like getting my sister flown in for a month when dad was first going downhill, arranging with my sister other relatives who could be called in to help mom, and trying to make plans for when the inevitable happens. Just recently my sister and I had to reassure mom she's making the best decisions she can for dad with what medical issues there are as extended family is causing...drama over what is/isn't being done for dad. A complicating factor is that dad's mental state was already deteriorating from Vascular Dementia over the past three years, so moving him from place to place and getting him the care he needs has been...less than ideal for his peace of mind.
I know I am a person who copes by having plans, back up plans, and back up plans for the back up plans. I have never had to prepare myself for losing a parent while also dealing with the death of my marriage though. My questions for SI would be:
1. What kinds of timelines might I expect for my father's passing?
I know that this will vary greatly, but knowing a range of possible soonest to possible latest that others have experienced would somewhat help me grapple with what is going on. We're also being given a back and forth on "best practices" for letting him go - feeding tubes/fluids versus medications only- so this makes the letting go even harder and is adding to the stress/guilt for my mom.
2. Ways to continue support for my mom after it's all said and done.
My parents have been married since 1975, so losing dad will be very hard on mom. She also stubbornly took up all of his care and refused to get other services/help in the past few years as she'd keep saying "he's not at that point yet." I know she's now feeling guilt that she didn't push for more to get done sooner, but I want to make sure that she doesn't let herself slip away after dad goes.
3. Any suggestions for talking to my four year old son about losing his grandpa?
I honestly do not know how to approach this with my son now. He loves my dad. He also now thinks that when people go to the doctor/hospital they go "poof" and never come back because both my STBXWH and my father went into hospitals around the same time (STBXWH due to mental health) and my son has not been able to be near either of them since. My son had a mini meltdown when I said I had to go to a check up with a doctor because he thought I was going to "go poof" and never come back either. Before my STBXWH's affair and leaving us I had an idea of how I could talk about it, but what I would have said then would only make my child worry more now that he's going to lose me.
Edit to add:
Number one was answered just this morning. My father passed away at 12:47am. We are notifying extended family.
24 comments posted: Thursday, July 21st, 2022
I never wanted this
Hello all. I had to make a new account some time ago as my WH started reading my posts (making me feel less secure getting help) and then tried to gaslight me saying "As long as you know everything you're writing isn't true!"...so keeping some things vagueish for now.
I never wanted a separation and I never thought I would be having to get in touch with a divorce attorney but things have come to a head. My WH keeps acting out and - instead of using what he learned in therapy- keeps reacting on impulses which lead to more poor decisions, which lead to more "guilt," which leads to more "I want to die" moments from him, etc.
A couple weeks ago after he performed more self harm on himself and I did not react the way he wanted (no pity, just fear and trying to figure out how/where he got the object to do it) he decided he needed to leave the house as talking to me supposedly makes him want to die. Pulled a whole spiel about how I needed to trust him (no one did) and that he would find a way to not want to die. He basically bounced from place to place for two weeks - barely telling the same story on what he was doing or where he was. It got to the point that he lied to me, a close family friend who was supposed to help keep him stable, and apparently to the OW about where he was. He told me he was one place, he told our family friend he was at home, and he told the OW that "oh yeah, wife and friend said it was OK for me to be here with you!" Our family friend found out where he was, told me, and is forcing him into help (inpatient something).
At this point with my WH doing everything he can to get OW attention - including some things that potentially put my/my son's safety at risk- I'm now having to contact a divorce attorney. I never wanted a divorce. I just wanted my best friend who I used to be able to trust with everything to come back. I don't know what it is about his obsession and infatuation with this OW that makes him throw away the family and life that we built but nothing seems to be getting through to him. Even pleas to do better for our son go ignored.
Sorry for the long rant. I never thought that we would ever be in this position as we were childhood sweethearts and knew everything about each other. Forcing the legal separation that can lead to divorce seems like the only way I can protect my child from the idiocy that my husband keeps acting on. Where we are you have to be separated and living in different places for over a year to be able to divorce. In home separation wouldn't count. Also, I'm trying to establish a good routine/schedule with family and friends for my young son to make him feel secure despite his father suddenly "going poof." Hopefully being around more extended family that love him will help...
28 comments posted: Tuesday, June 7th, 2022