SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel completely embarrassed posting this bc I’m a male. I’ve got post traumatic infidelity stress disorder and it’s killing me.

I have no control over my emotions. I’m crying every day. I have never been a big cryer. I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried before this. But now it’s been roughly 2.5 months and I’ve cried uncontrollably every day. I have never been so emotional in my life and I just hate it. It comes in waves out of nowhere and once it hits I cannot stop it.

My WW has actually done everything you could ask. She has been as close to a model Wayward spouse in reconciliation that I can think of. She has admitted it’s very hard seeing me this way but then completely understands and takes full responsibility and owns that she caused it. She’s been open about everything, I know for a fact this is all over, I’ve got her phone locked down per her request, she’s doing MC and IC and has been very supportive. She has not blamed me for a single thing and has been nothing but loving and remorseful every single day.

I’m just ready to move forward with reconciliation but this stupid trauma just will not go away. I’ve read so many wonderful stories of reconciliation and know I have that chance, especially since my wife is truly sorry and putting in the work. Can anyone give advice on this?

I know time heals this part but it’s so difficult. MY IC told me that depression medicine should not be taken, only ambien to help me sleep. This is due to letting it happen and feeling what I need to feel to get through it instead of delaying it and pushing it down for immediate relief but long term disaster, so I’m listening to him.

I am doing EMDR tomorrow so wish me luck

[This message edited by Omnipicus at 5:54 PM, Wednesday, October 6th]

Look, if you had suffered an injury and say... lost your leg, would you be mad at yourself that you were having trouble walking? Of course you wouldn't. Because an injury like that would understandably make walking and running and getting around difficult. You would have to re-learn how to function "normally".

Infidelity trauma is the emotional/mental equivalent of losing a limb. It is TRAUMA. It severely affects your brain and your normal mental processes and there is no timeline for when that 'goes away' (PTSD in fact can permanently alter your brain). Give yourself some grace. Those early weeks and months are really difficult and it's okay if you are struggling. If the best you can do today is be upright and wearing pants, then give yourself a gold star and put it in the win column. I had a period of about 4 months after dday1 that I was barely functioning, and that's pretty normal.

I would suggest IC for you with a counselor that specializes in infidelity and PTSD. Also read 'The Body Keeps the Score'. It's a long read, but it does a wonderful job explaining how PTSD affects you.

You have not one diddlydamn thing to be embarrassed about - I commend you for reaching out for help. None of this is easy, so please be kind to yourself. I promise, it does get better with time. Hang in there!

You've been heard, friend, and I am super proud of you for posting - you overcame that shame!

I am doing EMDR tomorrow so wish me luck

Wishing you peace and healing from EMDR - it helped me with my PTSD and PTISD - sending positive vibes that it will help you too.

The other thing that helps is that dreaded four-letter word - T-I-M-E. Time does really heal, especially if your WW is doing everything to be a safe partner.

Yes, it’s extremely overwhelming on so many levels. I actually had to go to a 2 week outpatient program at a treatment center. It was extremely helpful. Would you believe almost everyone in my group was there bc of infidelity????

When they say time will help, it’s really what you do with the time that helps-like the counseling that you’re getting. EMDR has helped a lot of people on this site!!

Omni -
Just want to second ElliKMas on all fronts.

I did EMDR and it helped, but was not a magic bullet. Folks can have differing results, which is OK. If EMDR doesn't provide any relief, then ask your IC about other modalities (I ended up going to an IC that does neurofeedback - but we are going to return to EMDR next month).

You may want to read SI's The Book Club thread on the book "Cheating in a Nutshell". BE WARNED - that book does not lay out a lot of hope for favorable R, so if you aren't up for that, then I would avoid it. The thing it does provide (or did for me) was connecting the dots between trauma (which you can learn about in The Body Keeps the Score) and infidelity.

Another option (for both you and your remorseful WS) is listening to the two-part interview of Marnie Breecker on Duane Osterlind's "The Addicted Mind" podcast. This was my "gateway" (so to speak) to validate the trauma response, and to help me understand that what I was experiencing was NOT because I was some freak, abnormal, had no backbone, etc. IIRC, they break it down into 5 (or 7?) large areas of life that are impacted (emotional, existential, sexual, etc).

Breecker & Osterlind then went on to do their Helping Couples Heal podcasts, which is also, IMO, a goldmine in the betrayal trauma response, recovery, etc. They have many guests that were very helpful to me.

Getting away from infidelity-specific resources, I found Rick Hansen's book Resilience to be a big gamechanger for me. It's about incorporating joy into our daily lives. I recommend getting it on audiobook (I got from my library -free!), as there are exercises that are easier to get through if you don't have to stop and read the book for the next step (and one of my trauma responses, which looks like may be very long lasting, is inability to concentrate when reading).

And then there is the queen of shame, Brene Brown. I think I started with Gifts of Imperfection, and then read all of her books. There is an audio of a 4 or 5 (or more?) part lecture series she did, called "The Power of Vulnerability". IIRC, it's at least 6 (and prolly more like 8) hours long. I don't think her stuff on youtube is the same - but I got it on Hoopla, also via my local library. If I could buy a CD/MP3 of that lecture, I would, as I found it to be a great synthesis of her first few books.

When I first joined SI, many folks wrote about how helpful Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" was for them. It ended up not being my particular cup of tea, but don't want to leave it out (and come to think of it, it's been about 3 years since I tried reading it, and it's probably time to try it again )

Another book that a lot of folks (including me) got mileage from was "Journey From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Lots of really good stuff there.

And I also liked Stosne's "Living & Loving After Betrayal" - focus is completely on the BS and how to find meaning/joy/happiness.

This journey is rough, and fraught with some really painful stuff. AND, it can become a turning point for our own lives. There are a ton of things I've learned & changed since dday... wish I hadn't had a dday to prompt that work, but am grateful for all that I've learned.

Godspeed...

You're still in shock, your Dday was very recent. How did you find out ? how long was the A ? who was AP ? coworker ? The more info you provide the better the advice we can offer you.

Don’t feel embarrassed or shame. It’s normal.
At the time of discovering my fiances affair I was about as much testosterone as they come.
Over six foot, 200 pounds with low body-fat, benched over 220 in my repeat-sets, ran miles, graduated top of my class and was fast-tracked to success in my career in Law Enforcement. Handled the d-day and the in-face aspect of ending the engagement in a robo-cop, non-emotional manner but found myself weeping and shaking for nights afterwards. Even had a moment where I had the barrel of a gun in my mouth trying to find the courage (stupidity) to pull the trigger.

This is trauma, if it didn’t affect you I would probably be more worried.

I can share some of the things I did to recover.
Maybe the key factor – the one I think I gained the most from – is exercise.
I strongly suggest something repetitive and mind-numbing… Like jogging. I can promise you that if you are not in good shape then after the first mile you won’t be thinking of your marital problems, but simply staying alive. Once you get in shape chances are your brain sort-of switches off after the first mile or so… You can get comparable results simply taking long walks, or on a scandic-ski machine at the gym. Or a combination jog/walk. Hike some paths in your area. Climb a hill.

You can replace exercise with a number of other actions: I used to wax my car (and parents and siblings) simply to be outside, with loud music and doing something mind-numbing. If I couldn’t sleep (I would give myself a timeframe so if I was still awake thinking how miserable life was after x minutes) I would have a list of tasks like cleaning the bathroom that I would go and do.

If you are into golf then go hit 200 balls at the driving range.
Fishing? Practice your fly-cast.
Shooting? Go to the range.
What’s the fence around the home like? Need scraping and painting? Or the doors? Or the roof?

What I’m looking for is two things: something that kind-of switches the brain out of the negative thoughts and something that get’s you tired. That will help with sleep and sleep is a key to recovery.

I second the suggestion for IC.
I didn’t do that and after I "recovered" I still carried the effects of this infidelity with me. Nearly wrecked my present marriage with the PTSD it brought me. I finally got professional help 15 years after d-day and it completely changed my life.
However… I think that if you start by following my advice you might get yourself into a better mindframe to accept what the IC suggests.

DUDE - it has only been 2.5 months. If you even know your name at this point you doing great. Let alone having enough in you to not only reach out for help but schedule EMDR.

You've experienced great trauma and pain.

I do caution you however. 2.5 months is no where near enough time to say your WW is being model, doing all you ask, doing all things right, gave you the whole truth and be fully trustworthy. I hope for your sake this is true and she is in the minority who get it all "right" the first time and in such a short time. Perhaps I am projecting...but don't just on the trust train just yet. Proven behavior over time. I am glad she is in IC.

DDay 1 was in summer of 2017 and I still am in IC with diagnosed PTSD. In my case the A went underground and then LTAP cyber stalked and kept trying to come back - resulting in a Cease and Desist order being sent to her earlier this year. I'm still dealing with this crap.

Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Keep yourself busy. Read from the healing library [top left corner].

I can totally imagine that men cannot understand how badly this can impact them and more so, they must feel so much shame for not acting "manly". Please don’t feel that way, before you’re a MAN, you are human, you’re allowed to feel and react to traumatic events like everyone else.

Whilst I’m not a man, I’ve been through other traumatic events in my life, traumatic but predictable somehow. (Loss of parents during teen years and other events as bad). I was known to my friends and family as bad ass, I had huge pride and ability to say "fuck you" and turn my back on anyone attempting to hurt me.

And yet when dday hit I turned into something I couldn’t recognise for about 2 years. I think you can see my 4 year anniversary post in the reconciliation forum detailing some of it. All I can say is that my reaction to it was traumatising in itself, I have ptsd reaction memories to those moments: driving at huge speed on country roads wishing to crash, constantly wanting to run away (fight or flight reaction), crying A LOT (I don’t actually think my WH saw me cry before dday), hiding in corners of rooms on the floor or laying on the bathroom tiles sobbing.

Seriously I cannot recognise who I actually was for months on end and at points I thought I lost my mind. I reached an unhealthy weight, I was so skinny that people at work didn’t know how to ask if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness or something, I couldn’t concentrate and I didn’t read a non infidelity related book for about 3 years. (I am/was a big reader).

2 and a half months is nothing. I’m not saying that to scare you, I’m just telling you it is normal. Allow it. Being cheated on, gaslighted, lied to and betrayed by the person you trust the most is traumatic. Some psychologists are rating it as the second highest traumatising event after child loss. I still remember those moments when you feel a ptsd reaction coming out of nowhere again, your heart racing and then plunging back to rock bottom when you just want to die.

I second counselling recommendations and jogging. Drink water. Try and sleep, the more tired you are the worst your mental health is affected (although waking up during those first months… living through the nightmare again and again until your brain accepts that it did happen and it wasn’t just a nightmare).

And of course the all hated word: TIME. I used to hate when people told me it take time and time will heal me. I hated TIME. But it is true, time does heal.

I’m sorry for your pain. It can get better though, I promise.

Another way of looking at this...

You can get a great start on your healing in 2.5 months - if you feel your pain, if you feel the grief, anger, fear, and shame of being betrayed. That crying you're complaining about may very well be your body processing your pain out, never to return. The trouble is that SO MUCH pain comes from being betrayed that it's virtually impossible to feel your healing at this point, even though you're doing it.

And EMDR is a tool of ICs - you've got to be a licensed mental health pro to get certified. IOW, if your EMDR practitioner is certified, you'll be seeing an IC.

My bet is that everybody is embarrassed when they start posting here. One of the pieces of conventional 'wisdom' that floats around is that the BS didn't meet the WS's needs, so the A is the BS's fault. That's completely false.

Your W chose to cheat for her own reasons. She had many options that would have avoided violating commitments she made. She had many options that would have led to less pain. But she chose to cheat. Her A is hers, not yours. You did not cause her to cheat. You could not have prevented it, except by imprisoning her, I think.

But I get being embarrassed. It's almost universal, even though it's flat out wrong.

Let us know how your session with the EMDR cat went.

Oh my goodness, if you weren't crying and sobbing and having absolute emotional breakdowns at this point, I'd be very concerned about you. I've seen some big tough men brought to their knees by this kind of trauma. I'm female, but I don't cry. I thought I was pretty hardened. I used to actually be concerned about my not crying. Like Luna, I've been through some things. In my 20s I had a big tough male friend with tattoos who looked like a biker who cried more often than I did. I was raped at 16 and managed somehow to carry on as if nothing had happened without so much as a sick day from school. And yet I sobbed regularly and intensely after DDay. Couldn't work, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. That broke me. It really is that bad. It really does hurt this much.

And you really are going to be okay. It will take a while for sure, but I promise this isn't forever. This level of pain is unspeakable and I am so so so sorry that you're going through it. It's the worst. You aren't going through it alone. We've all been there and we all understand. Vent away here. You are among friends who totally get it.

You’ve been heard my friend. Male here. I cried at least once a day for the first 72 days. It’s crushing beyond belief. I never cry by the way.
Almost 4yrs out. My advice on books, I just read cheating in a nutshell, please do NOT read that book, not at this point.

Can anyone give advice on this?

Of course we can...you came to the perfect place for advice . We Betrayeds have ALL been where you are...and it is so RAW in the beginning . But it WILL get better...I promise!

I just recently posted a thread about how much has changed in the 7 years since I joined this site . I can remember when I joined...I was roughly about 2.5 months past Dday as well. I just wanted the PAIN to end...I couldn't imagine being able to endure one more moment of it . My H was like your WW...he did whatever he could to try and help me heal...but all I felt was this searing pain . I was seriously thinking of committing suicide. In a last ditch attempt to get help...I typed in "surviving adultery"...and that led to me finding this WONDERFUL place! YOU...Dear Sir...have found yourself in the BEST club that you NEVER wanted to be in...Welcome!!

You have already done so much on your path to recovery...very nice! It doesn't seem like it now...but reaching out to a counselor...and on here...is a BIG step toward your healing . This is pretty much where we all start on our healing path...by reaching out to others. As our healing progresses...some of us take different paths...and that is perfectly normal too. You will be given GREAT advice from many here who want to HELP others survive infidelity. Take the advice that will help YOU...and leave the rest .

One of the best pieces of advice that has been given here is...YOU heal YOU. Let your spouse heal themselves. THEN you can both be able to work on healing your M . This is a marathon Dear Sir...not a sprint. Taking the time to HEAL will benefit you in more ways than you can imagine.

I have heard great things about EMDR. I haven't done it myself...but if that path helps you...that is AWESOME!!! If it doesn't...please don't get discouraged...you WILL find your path to healing .

Totally normal, what you're feeling. This is an extremely traumatic thing to go through.

Check out the book Living & Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny. It's very helpful, full of actionalbe advice, quesitons, and writing prompts.

Joining in just to offer support, and to assure you that your response is as normal as normal gets at 2.5 months.

I'm pretty sure I was *insane* at 2.5 months.

I remember that woman, the woman I was at 2.5 months past DDay2, our real DDay for the same incident (years earlier) but I'm pretty damned sure I'd never met her before.

My husband damned sure had not.

It was, surreal.

Surreal.

And I am a person who has, who had, been through significant trauma (unrelated to marital/romantic relationships) prior to our DDay.

I don't go into it here on SI because I fear that some to much of it could be personally identifiable.

Not to come off as The Valedictorian of Trauma, but I can say with humble confidence (NOT HUMBLE BRAGGING, I SWEAR, LOL!) that my personal Trauma Curriculum Vitae is deep, diverse, and impressive.

Add to that, I worked in clinical health care for decades, and all over that map. You name it, my discipline interacted with it, often neck deep.

Infidelity trauma hit me like a bomb.

Like small pox in an immunity naive population.

It does get better.

I do not mean this statement as cynically as it will probably sound, but-

One way or the other, it gets better.

It will get better,

With or without your wife.

You will find a way.

It does take time.

And there is no guarantee of any particular outcome.

On SI, waywards are often told to 'let go of the outcome.'

Accept that one's actions and choices have set in motion a series of consequences, and those consequences have a life (and a half-life, in the scientific meaning, this shit reverberates for a loooong time, as it should) of their own. Stop trying to manage the narrative, and the outcome, with various forms of dissemblance. Own up to what you did, to what happened, and give your betrayed partner the respect and dignity of living in truth, honesty and accountability, however painful for both of you.

To a slightly lesser degree (per my anecdotal observations) betrayed partners are also advised, on SI, to let go of the outcome. 'In order to save your marriage, you must be willing to lose it.'

You must be willing to completely destroy the constructs and permissions and disrespects and disregards and autopilots and compromises and rug sweeping that allowed an infidelity to happen in your lap in the first place.

*Here's the part where I get struck by SI lightning, lol.*

I am *in no way saying nor implying* that my husband's infidelity was *my* fault because I failed to do, to be, to provide, whatever.

I *am* saying that my husband's one (1) incident of (quite unambiguous) infidelity, years ago, was part of a much more pervasive pattern in both his FOO, and my FOO, and our marriage overall.

I've held from the beginning: sexual, romantic, intimate infidelity does NOT happen in a vacuum. It is NOT a 'stand alone incident' nor a 'stand alone behavior.'

My husband may not have been unfaithful romantically nor intimately, and he may have never again been unfaithful sexually nor physically,

But he would be the first to come here and admit, tell you, that he'd 'betrayed' my trust and my investment and my faith and my love in so many other ways.

You *are* going to 'lose' this marriage.

You *are* losing this marriage.

You are also losing yourself.

The truth is,

None of us 'survives' infidelity.

Not one of us.

Whether we stay married, or partnered, or not.

We all, 'die.'

The marriage, the relationship, 'dies.'

The spouse, the very person we were before this revelation, is gone.

Gone.

The altar is broken.

The temple is burning to the ground.

Everyone in the temple, if they choose to stay in the temple, burns to the ground with it.

Can we rebuild out of the ashes?

Sure, anything is possible.

But you, and your marriage, and hopefully your wife, will be different on the other side of this emotional conflagration.

Infidelity is the death of innocence in a marriage, in a relationship.

One of you played with the snake and took a big honkin' bite out of that apple.

And then 'shared' *visited* that destruction of innocence on the other partner.

Now you've both been unceremoniously booted out of the Garden of Eden.

You're both alive, you're still together, but life is looking a lot more bleak and a lot less enjoyable.

BTDT.

Welcome to SI! ;)

OK so life as you knew it is over.

But life is not over. <3

You're gonna survive in this unpleasant, inhospitable wilderness.

Your marriage may survive, or it may not survive.

To Be Determined.

Let go of that idea, just for a moment.

IMHO, your uncontrollable crying?

That's grief.

Everything you thought you knew,

Everything you thought you had,

Your points of reference to your world,

Your touchstones,

They have been ripped away.

You've suffered the equivalent of a sudden death:

Of your image of yourself,

Of your image of your life,

Of your image of your marriage.

I did not cry at this stage.

My 'cry' got cauterized years, decades ago.

I was a broken mirror, a pile of glass shards.

I was, insane.

Broken.

Beyond my own comprehension.

Marbles skittering across the floor.

Around six months,

My grief coalesced into white hot rage.

And I stayed there-

for a solid two years.

I do not recommend it.

It was, exhausting. LOL.

Blast furnace level exhausting.

Takes *a whole lotta fuel* to stoke a blast furnace for 2+ years.

Turns out that all that 'context' I was talking about?

All of those 'non-romantic, non-sexual, non-physical' betrayals I was talking about?

DAMNED FINE FURNACE FUEL.

DAMNED FINE.

THROW THAT FUEL ON THE FIRE.

I BURNED THAT DAMNED TEMPLE RIGHT DOWN TO THE GROUND.

AMEN.

My prediction is that *you will* come out of this grief process as a whole new person.

None of us 'survives infidelity.'

Neither do our relationships.

It burns down.

There is the possibility of constructing a new relationship-

but you *will* be a new person.

Your partner?

Whether or not your partner becomes a new person is on them.

Me?

Despite an impressive Curriculum Vitae of Survived Trauma, I have surprised myself.

I have emerged as a person who is stronger and more resilient than I ever knew.

I have found my Bitch Boots.

I *thought* I had Bitch Boots, but I didn't know that I could have THESE BITCH BOOTS.

I have grown into my New Bitch Boots.

And I am not afraid to use them. :)

I have not only burned the temple down,

and scorched the earth,

I have (quite literally) kicked a shat ton of disrespectful people, and fucking time and energy wasters, and shit stirrers, out of my life.

You may find this in your journey, or not, YMMV, but in my experience, kicking infidelity bullshit out of your life is going to take so. much. more. bullshit. with. it.

My husband is now more mindful, MUCH more mindful, of how and why he has a tendency to chase unhealthy validation and superficial kibbles into random dark holes and bottomless pits. A lot of *that* had to do with the emotional vampires and narcissists and shit stirrers and generally (or specifically) toxic people who informed our world. I kicked them out of my/our lives (overdue, I might add) with my new Bitch Boots.

I kicked those ass hats out and guess what??? THE WORLD DID NOT END.

IT ACTUALLY GOT BETTER.

A SHAT TON LESS TOXIC AND COMPLICATED AND NARCISSIST CENTERED.

TL;DR:

I am truly sorry about the tears. =(

That is grief.

It is normal.

It will get better.

Time helps.

You, and your life, *will* be better on the other side.

It's a process.

<3

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 8:05 AM, Sunday, October 10th]

Something that many of us bring from childhood is the fear of being abandoned. While you are doing EMDR you’ll look at childhood traumas. The more traumas we had in childhood the tougher it is for us to manage as adults. For men in particular I think this is a terrible way to have to grow up. You are entitled to cry. You are mourning the death of a dream. Dr. Nadine Harris has a TED talk about what childhood traumas do to people. On the other hand your childhood might have been free from conflict. Whatever you have brought it doesn’t matter because being lied to and cheated on is like no other. If you can’t trust your mate who can you trust. This is when the last vestiges of childhood fall away. We are now looking at others with clear, sad, eyes. We can’t go back to innocence.
The reality of life is that underneath all our finery we are dangerous animals who wound each other every day.
Please read Lying by Jonathan Wallace. It is in the Ethical Spectacle. Also Anna Fels piece in the NYT. Both explain why lying has such a huge impact on us. And cheating is lying times 1000.
Have your doctor prescribe something to help you navigate this.

Cooley2here writes:

Something that many of us bring from childhood is the fear of being abandoned. While you are doing EMDR you’ll look at childhood traumas. The more traumas we had in childhood the tougher it is for us to manage as adults. For men in particular I think this is a terrible way to have to grow up. You are entitled to cry. You are mourning the death of a dream. Dr. Nadine Harris has a TED talk about what childhood traumas do to people. On the other hand your childhood might have been free from conflict. Whatever you have brought it doesn’t matter because being lied to and cheated on is like no other. If you can’t trust your mate who can you trust. This is when the last vestiges of childhood fall away. We are now looking at others with clear, sad, eyes. We can’t go back to innocence.
The reality of life is that underneath all our finery we are dangerous animals who wound each other every day.
Please read Lying by Jonathan Wallace. It is in the Ethical Spectacle. Also Anna Fels piece in the NYT. Both explain why lying has such a huge impact on us. And cheating is lying times 1000.
Have your doctor prescribe something to help you navigate this.

^^^ Excellent response.
Excellent.

I am working through the references and articles myself.
Thank you, Cooley2here!

Also, I wholeheartedly agree with informing your physician and asking for assistance.

This is trauma.

You would not be expected, nor should you expect yourself, to simply go home and lick your wounds and recover by yourself, without medical intervention, from a third degree burn, or from a broken bone, or from a severe laceration.

If your trauma and grief are overwhelming your life, go get help.

marriageredux959 - what a beautiful, resilient, reply. Thank you.

tealmermaid, thank you. <3

You are doing what you can do ro claw yourself out if this hole you are in. There is no shortcut here. You have to go theough this not around it.

I wish I had a magical answer. One thing that helped me early on was writing some things dow on paper. Just your thoughts. I even wrote out my story of my Dday. I took those writings (Many were tear stained) to IC.

Putting on paper allows you to leave the ugly thoughts in that document that you can read later to revisit and process.

((Omnipicus))

I am sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us. Keep posting it does help to getvthings out with people that have been where you are now.