Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:23 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I am glad you wrote that out. I have a feeling this story will be brought up to me shortly also; thank you.

If someone tries this gambit with you, ask them if you are also supposed to walk around naked (Jeremiah), put a cattle yolk on your shoulders and wear it permanently (Jeremiah), eat a book (Ezekiel), eat only barley cakes baked with manure (Ezekiel), shave with a sword (Ezekiel), and so on. Plenty of other examples.

That might shut them down.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659534
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 5:26 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Yeah I plan on staying there and listening to what she has to say. I'm not going to be rude. Yes I do not know for sure whether this is just a fling or an exit affair. What I will tell you all is that the texts between her and OM were extremely critical and belittling of me. She regales him of how bad I am in bed, how I am nerdy and unrefined, how I have a dad bod, how sexy he is and so much more manly and aggressive sexually he is than me. Yeah... it is real uplifting stuff. So if she does feel that way about me, if I am the clown she says I am, then she should be glad to get rid of me. I plan on letting her know I read all the texts up until a month ago, and that I stopped when it was clear how much she despises my existence. The only thing she says I have going for me is I am a good dad and handy around the house. So... two boxes ticked off out of one hundred?

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8659540
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 5:27 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Thumos I would add to your information that God specifically tasked Hosea with marrying Gomer as a living example of God's relationship with Israel. It was never meant to be an algorithm for married men to follow with their own wives.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8659543
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:36 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Yeah I plan on staying there and listening to what she has to say. I'm not going to be rude. Yes I do not know for sure whether this is just a fling or an exit affair. What I will tell you all is that the texts between her and OM were extremely critical and belittling of me. She regales him of how bad I am in bed, how I am nerdy and unrefined, how I have a dad bod, how sexy he is and so much more manly and aggressive sexually he is than me. Yeah... it is real uplifting stuff. So if she does feel that way about me, if I am the clown she says I am, then she should be glad to get rid of me. I plan on letting her know I read all the texts up until a month ago, and that I stopped when it was clear how much she despises my existence. The only thing she says I have going for me is I am a good dad and handy around the house. So... two boxes ticked off out of one hundred?

Two things here:

1. Try hard not to take this stuff in. Reject it as lies.

2. At the same time, understand you've been given a gift here. The veil has dropped and you're seeing the person your WW really is. A nasty, duplicitous, unfaithful, manipulator.

I know you already know this and I'm preaching to choir a little bit, but do not take this in uncritically as being an actual reflection of who you are. It is instead a reflection of the ugliness within her.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659551
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Agreed with Buster123

TWO, you have to name the AP to your son. He is old enough to know his name. This eliminates your WW from coming back later to tell your son some false narrative about how they met at work, or sometime after and that was the beginning of their relationship.

I stomped that shit out for my WW as well. She was furious that I named her AP to our friends and family. She can't undo and sell a fake love story after your D. She will have to carry on with that AP knowing that everyone knows they're both cheats. Name the AP to your son, and family members.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8659553
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 5:59 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

TheWrongOne,

What I will tell you all is that the texts between her and OM were extremely critical and belittling of me. She regales him of how bad I am in bed, how I am nerdy and unrefined, how I have a dad bod, how sexy he is and so much more manly and aggressive sexually he is than me. Yeah... it is real uplifting stuff.

Please listen to Thumos and remind yourself that she needs to paint you as the bad guy to justify her affair. Did you expect her to text him what a wonderful husband and father you are? That you've provided for her, sent her through school, stood by her and your son after she had an affair. No way. She has to trash you to justify her incredibly immoral behavior. The fact that she still goes to church and surfs religious reddit sites makes me want to vomit...

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8659556
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Lurkster ( New Member #77252) posted at 6:12 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

@TWO

I would be careful about how you explain the history to your son. I can imagine a scenario where you tell him what you've told us (you stopped loving her 15 years ago) and being that he has a very close relationship with his mother he tells her this and she uses it as the reason for her second affair. I think you followed up with saying that while you didn't love her, you kept that inside all these years and did everything you could to continue to be happy with her. I guess what I'm saying is you need to omit the bit about not loving her for the last 15 years unless you want this whole thing to be thrown back at you.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8659560
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 6:19 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I have followed a woman on line who has cheated with 3 married men. Her blog should be studied. It is sad that a middle aged woman is still so immature and shallow. Her criteria are all about looks. Every man has eventually rejected her. That’s your wife. The majority of us are average people somwe learn to love a person’s inner self. If we are still hung up on youth and beauty all our lives we are doomed to unhappiness. You will find joy in your life. It might take a while but getting up to a new life every day will be amazing.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8659563
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 6:25 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

The book of Hosea is being used routinely in evangelical settings to try to pressure betrayed husbands into reconciling with a WW. The idea is essentially that Hosea kept taking Gomer back though she was faithless. It's “see look what Hosea did. You should emulate him.”

Thumos, and others, thanks. I have seen that reference before in relation to infidelity and was befuddled. My Old Testament theology is lacking.

TWO: Oh man, I just read your last post. Echoing what others have said. Don't take this as a reflection of the man you are. It's a reflection of a deeply flawed character who would stoop to belittling her life partner with a stranger to gain points with him, while she boasts of how much she enjoys adultery with him. There is no calculus where that action could be misunderstood as honest. I've been there. I've read my wife's emails to her friends about me. It was painful, but I knew even then, that I wasn't reading a summary of myself, I was reading the manipulative and panicked justification of someone who had fallen far from grace. Shrug it off. This is classic cheater script at work here. "I can't be the bad person, ergo the individual I am cheating on must not measure up in some fashion" It's really just more deflection (to herself, mostly) so she can't look in a mirror and see the depravity of her choices. Sorry, don't' mean to be harsh about it. There was a woman you loved once in that husk.

Best of luck tonight. You've done the hard thing, making a decision. Everything from here on out is details.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8659564
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CM70 ( Member #76077) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

TheWrongOne, whishing you nothing but the best tonight. I know this is going to be tough but don't believe her narrative she is trying to paint of you. As other's have already said cheaters have to depict their BS as a bad or inept person to justify their lack of morals & betrayal of the one they supposedly made a life long commitment to.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8659568
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Good luck tonight

Stay strong. Refuse to take ANY blame for her cheating (again). Have your discussion then move on.

You got this!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8659570
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 6:40 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Simplify your situation:

There are two people that are in your marriage: You and your wife.

Others might be stakeholders but at the end of the day it is YOU that decides if you want to be married or not.

Frankly I think your religious qualms are more based on guidance from a church leader that is more concerned about HIS standings rather than your well-being. At the end of the day (or more correctly: at the End of Days) the Being that judges us all will evaluate our actions, surpassing any lower power that pretends to speak on His behalf. I’m religious and base my decisions on my religious stance and views, but I think that one of the greatest possible sins we can commit is to omit the greatest gift – and curse – we were given: Free will and it’s freedoms and consequences.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8659571
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 6:44 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

The only thing she says I have going for me is I am a good dad and handy around the house. So... two boxes ticked off out of one hundred? [/quote

What do they say in the Red Green Show? "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8659573
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elKAPPYtan ( Member #72085) posted at 7:41 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Good luck tonight, and may you swiftly move onward to the healing path, and get ready to enjoy the rest of your life.

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 153   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8659583
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J0ck ( Member #47763) posted at 9:32 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

After reading your last post I would go along with your lawyer and burn her for alimony and anything else you could get.

posts: 75   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2015   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8659621
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leftbroken ( Member #53741) posted at 11:11 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

based on what OP has said, I don't really think there will be any drama. she has completely stopped even trying to hide the affair and frankly I think she is as checked out as OP.

I think once it is spoken out loud she is going to be relieved and agree that its for the best to divorce. she will comment about how neither of them have been happy for a long time and its the best for both of them.

She will try to deflect about the affair as it being a byproduct and that the divorce should have happened long ago.

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 117   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8659647
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:22 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Don't allow her to try to hold your hand or offer any physical affection. Don't respond to her tears: most of the time in these situations, the waterworks are pure manipulation, because it does tend to work on men unfortunately.

Don't allow any gaslighting narrative about "we should have divorced a long time ago" or any blameshifting.

Don't give her an out for a soft landing.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:22 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659652
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 11:26 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Please please please reread Biggers last post. It is gold and said much better than I could.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18936   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8659654
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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 11:43 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Excellent post Bigger. It’s been a while since I attended church but as I understand, adultery is viewed, in many religions as a reason to divorce.

Ironically, when my WW and I wanted to be wed in her Mom’s church, a requirement is that we met with a couple for marriage preparation.

In one of our sessions, they asked me (and my WW) if we each had any preconceived notions as to what could cause us to separate. I replied with infidelity. I didn’t know it at the time but my WW had already stepped out. She didn’t have an answer.

posts: 719   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8659656
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Sorry you experienced a marriage counseling moron the first time your wife cheated. That field is full of them.

A big part of the cheaters script is:

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Ive been in church most of my life. Big, middle sized and small. I was even the church treasurer at one time. From what I’ve seen most pastors are ill equipped to deal with infidelity. Most will give you the “you must forgive and save the marriage at all cost”! As your previous experience has shown you that would be mainly YOUR COST. Keep the clergy out of it. It’s none of their business.

You are dealing with a serial cheater. Look it up. This may not have even been her second rodeo. You know a lot but it still is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Indecision is a cheaters best friend.

You’ll probably get tears (they’ll be for her at getting caught not you). She’ll promise you the moon, etc. All cheaters lie a lot.

You’ve gotten the dreaded repeated behavior she exhibited in her first go round.

Sorry you’re here in this situation again but you seem to be well prepared and should know the score this time around.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:27 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8659662
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