Newest Member: bluecoaster


Just responded to the papers my wife served me. Need advice on how to proceed.

On D-Day, I caught my wife's car parked in front of a male coworker's house. This was a coworker I had put a firm boundary around, telling her she can only have a professional relationship with him, no hanging out outside of work. She lied to me about who she was hanging out with this night as well as another night about a month prior where she also hung out with this coworker for 4 hours when she told me she was getting a "quick drink" with different coworkers. She didn't know I knew about any of this. When I confronted her, she immediately came clean about hanging out with the male coworker alone, but didn't say anything about being at his house. I didn't tell her what I knew yet because I wanted her to come clean on her own. The next day, she said she wants to separate, but wants to stay living in our house with me. Here, I finally told her about seeing her car at his house. She still denied it a few more times before coming clean. I told her to get out of the house and she did.

We talked a few times in the next couple weeks. In an attempt to be honest with me, she said she had thought about cheating while she was at the coworker's house, but didn't. It doesn't really matter if she did or not, my trust in her is completely broken and it was AT LEAST an emotional affair since I caught a glimpse of some flirty text exchanges between them way back in January. Even now, she still denies ever having an affair of any kind (SERIOUSLY?!). Finally, after talking for a couple weeks about our relationship, she determined that she did not want to put in the work necessary to save our marriage and said we should split up for good (I responded with "can I help you pack?"). She filed for an uncontested divorce so we can try to keep things cheap by not hiring lawyers. She didn't actually serve me until I told her to. So she did, I responded to the court, and now we're in this holding pattern.

Now, she's been coming by on her lunch breaks from work to grab things out of our house which I will be living in. She said she will run everything by me that she wants to take, but she hasn't actually done that yet. She already took a floor lamp and a handheld vacuum without my knowledge.

We also have two cats which she has said she wants both of (because she thinks she has less stability in her life right now due to not having a home to live in even though she has living arrangements with her girlfriend, even if they're very temporary), whereas I want one cat for emotional support through all of this instability that she has created, the same reason she wants them. I told her that her blowing up our marriage on purpose and serving me papers is what has caused this instability, that's why I want one of the cats (at least temporarily to see if they can be ok being apart), that our family and friends feel this instability too, and that her actions have consequences. Her response was that I want to separate the cats as a way to punish her, that I just admitted as much, that I've been spreading lies about her to our friends (which I've only revealed to them that we're getting divorced as well as some minor details. Nothing fabricated, all facts), and that I'm talking down to her like a child when I talk to her about consequences. WTF is going on?!

So, I contacted a lawyer firm this morning and am waiting to hear back from someone. I can't take any chances with this woman I used to call my loving wife to honor what she says about everything being amicable because she's always at the house when I'm not there and has already been putting up a fight regarding the cats. She could do whatever she wants every day while she's there so I need to cover my ass.

First off, because she still denies ever having an affair of any kind with this coworker, is there anything I might be overlooking? Next, should I contact my wife to not only tell her about me hiring a lawyer, but also to try to clear the air about her accusations towards me - trying to punish her, talking to her like a child, and spreading lies about her? I could say something like "You can believe whatever you want, but I need to speak the truth regardless. The truth is blah blah blah and that's the truth whether you believe it or not". I also am contacting my mortgage company to refinance, pay her off, and get her name off of the mortgage. Is there anything else I should be doing while we're in this holding pattern?

62 comments posted: Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

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