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I’m sure you’ll get the “you must be the bigger man”. You shouldn’t ruin her reputation, etc, etc, etc. Mainly help hide their affair.

Bud, your wife ruined her reputation, marriage and family. You didn’t have a thing to do with her repeated cheating.

Being a bigger man does not entail being a doormat and letting yourself get walked on.

The OBS may not be someone you like but she didn’t deserve this anymore than you did. Wouldn’t you want to know?

Sorry but this behavior has consequences. I would not lie or hide this from my son either. Tell him the truth.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:46 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

I plan on letting her know I read all the texts up until a month ago, and that I stopped when it was clear how much she despises my existence.

I suggest you not go into details about what you know about her A and how you know it. She already knows more details than you do.

Just tell her that you know her A and you are done with her, then give her the divorce papers.

Be cheerful again like on the phone call today, don't show any sadness or anger, show her that you're happy with your decision.

Good luck.

Good advice about not revealing what you know. Cheaters will only admit to what they think you know. Let her dig herself deeper by lying more to you about it - it will reveal a lot more about her

Hope everything went well last night

I worry that our friend may have encountered a curve ball Friday night, possibly something worst case scenario like a forcible intervention by some snake handlers in his WW's extended family, or a drummed-up DV charge that has left him cooling his heels in the hoosegow over the weekend.

FWIW, "hoosegow" derives from the Spanish "juzgado", which roughly translated means official judicial branch of government.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:32 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

Hope you are doing well.

Hang in there. I promise that you will survive and get through all of this.

Stay strong

TheWrongOne, hope everything is alright. Please update us when you can.

Hey everyone. Things are okay and I am fine. I am out of pocket today but will have an update for you tomorrow.

Phew, glad to hear it, thanks for letting us know! Have a restful Sunday.

UPDATE:

So I waited at the café for her to arrive. The place was packed with people like I hoped it would be. She was about 45 minutes late of course. She came in all huffing and flustered. She wasn't in a good mood. I am sure she rather would have been with her boyfriend or somewhere else. She sat down and I calmly asked her how her day was, and then she launched into the usual marital daily debriefing, the same format as every daily update we gave each other over the past two decades. When the waitress came she ordered her usual and I just ordered a refill on my coffee.

SHE: "Why didn't you order something to eat?"

ME: "Because I don't plan on being here much longer."

She looked at me like I had grown a second head.

HER: "What's wrong? Look I'm sorry I am late but you know how things get at the office."

ME: "M_____ I want you to listen and not interrupt what I am going to tell you. M_____ I know you have been having an affair with R_____ for some time now. I have known for two months. I have seen a lawyer and he will be having a divorce petition served to you next week. I would like to do it somewhere outside of your office to spare you any embarrassment or cause you problems. So when he tells me it is ready I will text you with the service location and time."

She sat for a moment, hen a shudder went through her, then she took a deep breath and laid her head in her hands.

HER: "Oh God."

ME: "No, don't bring Him into it. This had nothing to do with God. We dragged God through this the last time you did this and I won't do it again.

HER: P____ please let me explain, I...."

ME: "No, I am not here for that. I don't want that. Look, I know probably as much about your affair as you would ever be willing to admit to me. I have months of dates and evidence. I don't want to know your reasons or your justifications. I just want to both have some peace. Neither of us has been in a real marriage for fifteen years. We have been spinning our wheels and I know you are not happy and that you have not been happy for a long, long time. And I'm just tired. I'm tired of this marriage and I want it to end so I can go on with my life and have some peace."

Tears were running down her face and she was sitting back with her arms crossed just staring into nothing.

HER: "P_____ I'm sorry."

ME: "Look this needs to end. I don't want apologies. Apologies are meaningless now. I just want a fair and equitable divorce. I want you to get a lawyer and have him look over the petition when you get it. I'm not going to try to railroad you M_____. I don't intend to embarrass you publicly. I want this to go smoothly and I don't want us to fight. Right now I feel nothing towards you or this marriage. Please don't do anything to make me hate you."

She sat there for a good minute just staring and quietly crying.

HER: "What about S____?" (Our son)

ME: "I will call him. I"ll tell him I am divorcing you because of infidelity. I won't lambast you or get into any details, but I am not going to lie to him M_____. He will want to know why. He is an adult and he can absorb it. It will be up to you to repair whatever breaks between you and him."

She just nodded. We just sat there for a long time, saying nothing. She looked at me after a few moments and I could see there was some deep emotion in her eyes. There was still some love in there somewhere. She was a mess by this point and she couldn't stop crying.

That's when I decided to leave. I told her that I was going to be away for the weekend to give us both some space. I told her I was going to call our son and then after that call I was turning off my phone. I told her that our parents would need to know and that she could tell hers and I would tell mine. I told her I had no intention of letting anyone else know about her affair outside our immediate families. She just nodded, and I grabbed her hand and held it for a long time. She squeezed my fingers hard, almost making me wince. I have to say I was surprised at how sad she was.

Then I just told her bye and I got up and left. I had a bag packed and I drove to a hotel on the coast and stayed there through last night. I called my son while I was driving and he, surprisingly, took it better than I thought. He said he could feel something was off with me over the past few weeks and figured it had something to do with his mom. Then he laid a bombshell on me. He asked me if she cheated on me again. I said "Yes... what do you mean again?" Turns out he knew about his mom's first affair. He found out about it from his aunt who accidently shot her mouth off and spilled the beans to him about three years ago. He never said anything! Poor kid. I had no idea he was carrying that burden. It pissed me off. I was doing well until he told me that. So I just spent Friday night stewing.

So that's it. Sorry if I wasn't able to give a more dramatic story, but it really went off without a hitch. Very anticlimactic, but I guess that is a good thing.

That’s about as real as life will get. Two people who thought they were going to make a life time commitment to each other sat across from each other in an open place and said goodbye to their marriage. You did a great job.

Put some plans in place. Make some noise. Get moving. You will be sad but you will be ok.

I remember one time I just stop loving my husband. Eventually it came back but I remember that time as not being at ease. In fact there was a hole in me where love had been and so I was glad to fill it back up again. I hope it’s some point you find love to fill that hole up.

Good reason to never lie to the kids. They aren’t stupid and always know more than you think.

Now he know you’re honest and he can always rely on you for the truth.

Now be prepared for the attempted love bombing and the pastor trying to get you to (fight for your marriage, etc)!!!! I always cringe when I hear that. There is no marriage. She ended it long ago when she stepped out.

You’ll be fine now.

TheWrongOne,

You handled your D discussion with incredible grace and dignity. I am in awe. Your STBXW is losing a pretty incredible person...

So that's it. Sorry if I wasn't able to give a more dramatic story, but it really went off without a hitch. Very anticlimactic, but I guess that is a good thing

TWO: what are you apologizing for? You couldn't have possibly managed this any better than you did. Life isn't a drama on the Lifetime Network. It's not always about dramatic revenge moments. This was two people, without histrionics, bittersweet, sad, sure. Also, oh so necessary.

You really did well, TWO. I have to say it, your STBX did as well as possible under the circumstances. Credit where it is due-- no screaming, no wailing, just the quiet come to Jesus moment (pardon me) of someone out of options, and admitting it at long last. Your son is an ace.

Believe it or not, we do love a good ending, but it's far from over yet. I'd be interested in the reaction you are about to experience from her side of the family.

Best of luck with the unspooling of all this. You've deserved some peace for a long time now.

You’re a stand up guy and I admire your restraint. At least she didn’t try to deny it. I think mostly what you were seeing was sadness for herself. She knows what a solid quality man you are, and she relied on that stability to enable her to cheat.

She probably also realizes the relationship with her AP is a fantasyland going nowhere, so in one fell swoop plan A and plan B are gone.

I would urge you to reconsider telling OBS. I didn’t particularly like OBS in my case either, but she deserved to know.

I will not tolerate interference from her parents this time. They have no ground to stand on because outwardly I have been a model husband to my wife. Then again, they are very old and they don't have much fight in them. Her dad retired from preaching and heading the church about three years ago and is now just the assistant pastor and a deacon. I will most likely quit this church, even though the music director will beg me not to.

Get out of that church before the shit hits the fan. You just don’t need the hassle. It would be meaningless at this time. You count. They don’t. No matter what you will be the bad guy. They will rally around poor muffin. She’s a serial cheater. Enough said.

They are hypocrites and you’ll be wasting your time trying to defend your actions. You’ve been through this before so you know the score. They will do everything in their power to silence you. You will be the enemy. Your best course of action is NO DISCUSSION. Cut them off. Zero contact. You just walk away. Make them nothing which is what they are.

.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:09 AM, May 17th (Monday)]

Get out of that church before the shit hits the fan. You just don’t need the hassle. It would be meaningless at this time. You count. They don’t. No matter what you will be the bad guy no matter what. They will rally around poor muffin.

Agreed. We can’t make the decision for you and we don’t know the details of your daily life, but it would seem wise to get away from that church pronto.

Good job, I'm glad you had a hotel room ready to spare you from any possible drama and to clear your head at least for a couple of days. Your son knows he can always rely on you for the truth, and like Marz mentioned, this is exactly why the consensus here on SI is to tell the kids in an age appropriate way and without the gory details, as well as both sets of parents and close relatives/mutual friends.

You’ve got a good start on no contact. Stay with it. Other than text or email about the divorce there is nothing more to discuss.

You’ve been through this before. Contact or discussion WILL ONLY HARM YOU !!!!!

Take care of yourself. These type of hypocrites will stop at nothing to get their way. They cannot get to you unless you allow it. You control this they do not.

How do you keep a Baptist preacher from drinking and getting drunk on a fishing trip?

Take two of them.