Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 4:12 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I think your doing great. You are keeping things as calm as you can surrounding the divorce but making your intentions known.

I agree with you about not telling the OBS until after the divorce is final. I wouldn't push your WW to do it either going forward. (I would not want to be told by the OW).

Your WW might try to hoover you. Keep your head on straight and remember what happened last time you gave her the gift of reconcile. She might think that things will blow over and she won't have to tell her parents. You might need to tell her about your plans for leaving your role in the church so she knows she has a deadline. That's up to you.

You seem to be doing fine.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8660471
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:15 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

You are doing great. 180, 180, 180!

Her parents should be her problem now. I would not interact with them at all. You already know what you’ll get. It’s ok to ignore.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660472
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I get your intention of keeping yourself first and not telling the OBS yet. And I think it's better to stay tight lipped untill the divorce settlement is reached.

Your WW is really a broken person. She knew what would happen with her prior offence yet she did it.

It's good to know you are picking yourself up with excercise. Keep it up. And grey rock the fuck out of her. Any further emotional contact will only block your healing. Your goal should be :- by the end of divorce you need to be in a state of persuing new relationship again. There is no shame in dreaming. And I really really hope your dreams come true.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8660476
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:50 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

TheWrongOne,

You continue to impress.

She asked if she could talk to me and I went into 180 mode and told her I would listen to what she had to say. She looked haggard and tired. She looked like I felt. She said that she had broken things off with the other guy and that she wanted to come clean with me and that I could ask her anything I wanted to. I asked her if the other man's wife knew of the affair. She said she didn't believe so. Then she asked me if I was going to tell her, and I said "No, I'm not planning on it." Then she thanked me, and I told her don't thank me and that it was her place to tell the OBS and not mine. She didn't like that, and I didn't push it. We then talked a bit about our son, and her parents. She asked me if I had told mine and I told her yes, that we were divorcing but that I did not give them specifics other than she had done the same thing she had done fifteen years ago. At that point my wife teared up and just kind of stared at her feet for a while and eventually mumbled "I'm such a screw up." I just stayed 180 and said "Well, I am going to my office. Good night."

You are doing all the right things. She MAY try some hysterical bonding now that divorce is staring her in the face and she has (supposedly) cut it off with the AP. Since she hasn't told anyone, perhaps she thinks she can head it off before it becomes public.

Not that you need reminding, but continue to be a gray rock and implement the hard 180. Keeping your head down and following your attorney's advice is exactly the path to take.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8660484
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 5:37 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

She said that she had broken things off with the other guy

Or, the OM threw her under the bus (broke it off with her) when she told him you found out. He's going to be the model H to his BS now! Damage control at its finest.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8660504
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:20 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

HellFire

By not telling, you are doing OM a huge favor. Not to mention,he considers himself pretty lucky. He got to have sex with your wife, and her husband keeps his secret.

Cheap shot man.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660529
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 6:24 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

my lawyer wants me to play it safe and not tell anyone outside the family. So, I am going to tuck myself under his protective wings and do what he says.

Wise

It's a small town, right? Stuff's going to get out.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8660533
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:31 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

UPDATE:

So the meeting with the head pastor and trustees was interesting. He asked why I was divorcing and I told him that I could not say, but only that my wife's actions had caused the marriage to become untenable and that I was sorry to have to step down. One of the trustees there was one of the older gentleman who had been a deacon at the time my wife committed her first affair. He nodded at me with a sad but knowing look. He knew what was up but to his credit did not say anything.

As expected it came up that I could not hold any office and I told him I was aware of that. So, I put forth an idea: I would no longer work as the manager of the construction as a church member, but they could keep me on as an independent consultant. That would not violate the convention's rules. How much? One dollar. One dollar would be my fee to be paid in full at the final inspection by the city. So we shook hands and on the way out the pastor asked if there was anything he could do to dissuade me from the divorce and I told him no. He wasn't pushy about it. He is actually a pretty good guy.

So, I will stay on working behind the scenes to make sure the construction gets done on time and budget. Once that is done I will cut ties with the church for good.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660537
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gemini12 ( New Member #78670) posted at 6:37 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

TWO,

You continue to be a class act during the worst of times.

Big props to you, mate.

You have my respect.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8660540
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:39 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

How much? One dollar. One dollar would be my fee to be paid in full at the final inspection by the city. So we shook hands and on the way out the pastor asked if there was anything he could do to dissuade me from the divorce and I told him no. He wasn't pushy about it. He is actually a pretty good guy.

So, I will stay on working behind the scenes to make sure the construction gets done on time and budget. Once that is done I will cut ties with the church for good.

Damn, son. You might be turning into a legend around here. Hat's off. Respect.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8660541
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 7:01 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

TWO,

Often people of faith are disparaged as having little of the character they profess. You sir, sweep aside that caricature.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8660547
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 7:14 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

By not telling, you are doing OM a huge favor. Not to mention,he considers himself pretty lucky. He got to have sex with your wife, and her husband keeps his secret.

Who cares. Not your concern. You're in no position right now to be punishing the OM. You're vulnerable and sitting on a powder keg. Your WW is going through the grieving process of the demise of her former life. She's going to start the bargaining phase. Once reality sets in, the next phase will be anger. Well adapted mature people usually take responsibility for their consequences and direct the anger at themselves. Unremorseful waywards direct it at the BS. Anger is empowering and selfish. This is where she can come after you beginning with character attacks, rewriting the narrative and marital history. Then, once lawyered up, she can come at you legally.

Make your escape while she's still in the shock and bargaining phase. Don't unnecessarily antagonize in any way. I can't stress this enough. I watched my loving wife and devoted mother of 25 years do a complete metamorphosis into something completely alien. I've seen it here consistently many many times, even after the D has been finalized, the WS reach out viciously from beyond the grave. And, I'm sorry to say it but, men don't get much sympathy with the court system.

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8660552
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:28 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Find another church and leave this behind you. I suspect it will not only be uncomfortable but untenable as well.

I get the commitment on the construction project but there’s a saying “no good deed goes unpunished “. I hope I’m wrong here but when her father finds out you are divorcing his daughter you will be the enemy.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660558
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:32 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

It's a small town, right? Stuff's going to get out.

Yep and like your son who knew about her first affair more people know than you think already.

Now others who’ve noticed things will put two and two together.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660560
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 7:37 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Hi OP, you're doing well. You're being a kind man during this, that should serve you well trying to end things smoothly and quickly.

One caveat if waves of anger start to hit you, find an outlet, maybe that can be your gym membership and take your anger out there.

it was her place to tell the OBS and not mine. She didn't like that

The pastor's daughter. Ah man.

I got mine, to hell with everyone else. The kindness you're showing your wife in this... she can't make the mental leap to do the same thing.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8660564
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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 8:03 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I want to echo what Thumos said, and take the advise of your lawyer WRT informing the OBS. You have to deal with the mess your WW has created in a manor that protects you and your Son.

posts: 719   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8660576
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 9:10 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Or, the OM threw her under the bus (broke it off with her) when she told him you found out. He's going to be the model H to his BS now!


Doubt it. TheWrongedOnes's wayward strikes me as as cake eater, not someone looking at it as an exit affair. She loved the life she had with TheWrongedOne, she just wanted the missing love kibbles she destroyed with her first affair to make her life "complete". My guess is that AP is enough of a downgrade that she knows any future is dead in the water. Like most APs it only works because the WS needs are mostly fulfilled by the BS. I hope she takes this gift of amicable D and fixes herself. Both of them deserve better than the disservice the Church did to them 15 years ago.

posts: 739   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8660601
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:25 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

^^^^^^ exactly.

Plus affairs are great only when they are secret and in the dark.

Wrong Ones quick decision brought a huge dose of reality to the fantasy.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:29 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660607
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 9:30 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

In case you’re wondering about the ‘break up’ and then the query about telling his wife....well you can guess the logic and the truthfulness of that. Not like it matters anymore, either way.

You were born during the day but you weren’t born yesterday. It does strongly affirm that your strong conviction should be even stronger than it was.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8660610
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 9:42 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Thanks everyone. I just heard from my lawyer that the petition is ready to sign so I'm going over this afternoon to sign it and meet with him while his notary is still there. Then off to the gym.

Hard to express how I am feeling. I feel as if I have been covered in a heavy woolen blanket for the past fifteen years and that the blanket has been pulled off. I can breathe and feel the air around me for the first time since I cannot remember.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660617
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