SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am in the case of your son. My father cheated my mother, and she stayed with him, unhappy. 12 years later I still don't understand what happened and why both stayed unhappy.

Problem is that I never really talked with them. I considered that it was their couple, but today I miss some answers.

It's a good thing you speak with your son.

Better : write to him. When you're in an oral conversation sometimes you cannot really think, but if he has some words to read then he will be able to think about it and come back on it if he needs to do so.

Sorry TWO, your son is still in shock, he's probably having a hard time reconciling what he thought was a loving and faithful mother to what she turned out to be, give it some time, he will adapt and eventually overcome this huge disappointment, be patient with him, in the long run he will appreciate your honesty and integrity.

He’s angry and sad and confused, and he’s flooding right now with all of that. He’s downloading all of that and probably without realizing it bringing it all to you to bear on your shoulders because you’re the strong, stable presence in his life. He knows unconsciously you can handle it. And you will. And you will be there for him.

Kids always know more than you think. He’s probably hurting from being kept in the dark from the past affair and doesn’t yet understand the pressure you were under or the railroading you got when everyone lined up against you. Being young and inexperienced didn’t help either.

You need to sit down with him and have a long discussion about it so he can understand.

The good thing is you told him the truth. That will stand you well.

Most BS go through trauma. We all know about that.

There are times when children or offspring can go through trauma of their own, since their world flipped over into things they never thought would be possible. Your son is one of those.

Son is now a BS(on) himself. He should be dealt with as a BS. It's clear he's going through the standard stages that are present in extreme betrayal. His recovery really won't be any faster than anyone else, but there's almost sure to be a considerable recovery.

Treat him as if he is wounded, because he is.

This is an example of why children should always be told in an age appropriate way.

I don't mean for that to sound like a criticism. Like all of us you didn't have a manual to follow on what to do and when. We were barely able to keep our head above water and not thinking clearly on a lot of things. It's a warning for those facing the decision now.

I didn't follow my own advice. I didn't tell my children or any family. With my children who were grown women I was protecting them and my XWW. If we had R'd I never would have told them. I think that was probably a mistake. I also told my XWW she had to tell them that we were separating and why. I don't know what she told them. That was also a mistake.

I don't have a lot of advice, TWO. I think you approach him and tell him you love him. Tell him his question caught you by surprise and that you'd like to talk to him some more about it. Tell him you are there for him and offer to cover any IC for him (if you can). Since he's in college (I think) there is probably counselling available for students at no cost for him.

Tough situation. The ripples spread far and wide and keep on giving.

So my son called me. He was crying and I asked what was up. He asked me why I didn't divorce his mom the first time she cheated. I was taken aback and it took me a minute to compose myself. So I told him essentially what I told all of you: that under pressure from his grandfather and the church family I rugswept her affair and stayed with her. Then he told me I should have been stronger and not folded like a cheap tent. He told me he was disappointed in me and that he has vowed he will never let anyone treat him like that. He was angry and crying harder and then he hung up on me.

My son was 21 at dDay, and he was mad at me for not leaving his father years earlier. (An aside, my son had very strong suspicions that his father was a serial cheater, but never said anything to me). As a result, he was pretty disrespectful and rude to me for about the following 9 months. It broke my heart in a whole new way. I felt so guilty and angry with myself.

And then about 3 years ago, when he was 23, he apologized for being so hard on me. He said he knew I was being abused and gaslit by his father and that he forgave me for not realizing leaving sooner was what was best for both me and my kid.

Hang in there, TWO. Your son will come around.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 4:01 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]

Perhaps part of what is upsetting your son may be the thought that kids (him) factored partly into your decision to stay, and that you would have been more inclined to divorce if you did not have kids when you found out about the 1st affair. Maybe he feels some sort of guilt that maybe you stuck around for his sake way back then?

It’s much more basic and biological than any thing else. The stable parent always gets blamed when the shit hits the fan. Don’t ask me why I don’t know why. You just need to tell him you were hoping that your marriage would last and that his mom would not do this again. You need to tell him you’re disappointed in her but he needs to love her because she’s his mother. Do not badmouth her to him. It’s so easy to go down that slippery slope. You want to end this is as gently as possible

Did you ask why he didn't talk about this before and show this reaction? He also knew about the first A for a long time, but did not talk to you or his mother about it. He probably thought that was the right thing to do, just as you thought about continuing the marriage. We do things that we think are right, but sometimes later we can realize that we were wrong.

Guv, children keep secrets from their parents to protect them. Yes, children read the room. They know what will hurt so they keep their mouths shut.

Time will heal this. I would have told him I stayed because of him.

His anger towards you is temporary.

His anger towards his cheating mother....that is going to burn for years.

And now she will have to live with the knowledge that her actions could potentially alter her son’s view of women and relationships forever.

But hey, she has the memories of her lover to comfort her during these tough years ahead.

jujuchrist

Better : write to him. When you're in an oral conversation sometimes you cannot really think, but if he has some words to read then he will be able to think about it and come back on it if he needs to do so.

I think this is a good idea.

And get him in counseling.

[This message edited by BindassBP at 3:22 AM, May 21st (Friday)]

What your son said to you should be a wake-up call for all betrayed spouses. Don't be afraid to expose the affair and always stand up for yourself and your children.

he has vowed he will never let anyone treat him like that.

I would imagine that you would encourage that for your son. BS's who stay do so because they have reasons. Your son hasn't been married yet, doesn't have children, so he doesn't know how you felt. His reaction is probably from seeing how you suffered for so long. I think his anger is understandable. I expect as he grows, and if he marries, he will gain some perspective.

I see his response as likely driven the excuses given to him by your WS. It'll be ok eventually. He's in the early days of processing.

Two - you should be proud.

Proud that your son expressed himself. Is processing.

But mostly proud because he came to you. The stable parent gets the heat (at first) because the stable parent is trustworthy. He trusts you. To hear him, to tell the truth and most importantly, to not abandon him. So he can express himself honestly without fear.

He can not say the same for his mother.

I’m sorry for your son. It’s heartbreaking.

If you R with your wife in the past I don’t believe your son needed to be informed at such a young age. Just my personal opinion.

We are all principled and believe we know what we “would” do given situations. And then you realize you don’t know what you would do until you are in it.

Your son may be more emotional b/c he’s away from home at this time in his life and he may feel alone (in some way). He will come around and it will take time. He sounds like a wonderful young man who has some good core values.

Hi TWO.  BC (betrayed child - now an adult) here

So my son called me. He was crying and I asked what was up. He asked me why I didn't divorce his mom the first time she cheated. I was taken aback and it took me a minute to compose myself. So I told him essentially what I told all of you: that under pressure from his grandfather and the church family I rugswept her affair and stayed with her. Then he told me I should have been stronger and not folded like a cheap tent. He told me he was disappointed in me and that he has vowed he will never let anyone treat him like that. He was angry and crying harder and then he hung up on me.

Oftentimes people don't realize how invasive an affair can be on the family unit.  I can't speak for your son and exactly how he's feeling, but I can say how I felt and I've also had discussions with other BC here over the years.  For a little insight, I can tell you that I experienced most of the same feelings of betrayal that a BS may feel (minus the sexual issues that come with an A).  The uncertainty of what's going to happen, trust issues, abandonment issues, and of course the anger.  Oh the anger!!  He's most likely just now engaging those same feelings that you had the first time you caught your WW.    He hasn't had the 15 years to be over it yet so he is going to cycle through all those same negative feelings you've had.

Similarly, I was really poissed with my father.  I also had wanted him to divorce at the time I caught my mother in her A.  Granted, there were a lot more issues of neglect and abuse with my mother which were additional reasons I wanted him to divorce.  Many WSs are self absorbed which is often just one of the many many reasons they may be into an A.  In my case, I can say that wishing my father had divorced my mother at the time (he didn't at the time but divorced years later after his own affair) was a way of striking back for the neglect.  Right or wrong it was just one of the many feelings I was having at the time.  Right or wrong I was also pissed at my father for him being self absorbed in his own pain and not seeing what was going on around him.

There were times when I could see a look on his face when he didn't think others could see him.  That look of pain.  There are a million and 1 things I picked up on living in that house.  Don't be surprised if your son knows more than he is letting on.  After all, he lived there.  He's probably also putting all of those pieces together now that it's all out and he can look at it all.  It's a lot to digest and swallow.  He's taking a bite of that shit sandwich too.

You are also probably his safe place.  Of course he's going to vent and take some out on you.  I did as well.  I felt that my mother had fired me from the family with her A so she didn't get to deserve to see any of the pain.  She just got to see my anger.

These are some of the toughest waters to navigate TWO.  I feel for you and your son.  The only way out is through and I'm sure you will both get there.  IC may help him if he's willing.  I didn't go until later in life.  I was 16 at the time I found out and 40 by the time I went to IC.  The affair was more of a symptom of the sickness that was really going on in my house growing up, but I'm sure he has a lot of the same issue with his mother as you do.   Only your son and his mother can work on that side of the relationship.  Just be there for him anyway that you can and let him know that.

yop