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Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 8:30 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

How many betrayed here in SI would remarry?

Hell NO for me. One and done. I will never legally or financially be tied to another guy ever again.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8661883
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:33 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

How many betrayed here in SI would remarry?

Hell NO for me. One and done. I will never legally or financially be tied to another guy ever again.

The idea of becoming legally and financially entangled with another person on that level is extremely daunting after being betrayed.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8661885
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gemini12 ( New Member #78670) posted at 8:38 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

How many betrayed here in SI would remarry?

Not a chance. Once bitten twice shy.

Thankfully the woman I'm seeing feels the same way. So far.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8661887
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 9:42 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

I would remarry. I would be going into it a whole lot wiser (I hope). Red flags while dating mean something. Pay attention. What are your "must haves"? What issues need to be discussed? If it isn't right then pass. I'm okay living alone.

The population of possible mates is rather thin, though. Population of hamlet where I get my mail - 87 last census. Distance 15 km. Population of my business centre - under 5,000 and distance 55 km. Where I go to church - population under 3,000 and distance 60 km.

My top requirement is Born Again Christian. Further limitation. I'm on a Christian dating site. The number of women in the age category I chose and some other limitations is 20 for the whole province and some of them don't go to church or won't relocate or some other factor which means they shouldn't even be in the prospect list. There seems to be a few younger women from the Philippines, Africa and South America interested in a much older man, though.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4660   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8661897
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hatefulnow ( Member #35603) posted at 10:30 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

Brother,

I feel your pain. You've gotten some great advice, but here's my two cents.

1. Lawyer...Lawyer...LAWYER! Interview several. Know your rights and responsibilities. Have them help you map out a strategy.

2. Install hidden cameras in the house and anywhere you have access where you may wind up together. There are, unfortunately, some women who wouldn't hesitate to put a false allegation on you to get advantage. Don't fall into the trap.

3. Tell the other spouse. They're probably suffering and your silence would only prolong that. Besides, how would you feel, shoe on the other foot? They know what's happening but you're in the dark. Not cool. It is a risk. The OM is most likely there for fun and when things get real they usually get ugly. He may dump her to save his ass and, reflexively, your STBXW may try to manipulate you. Be ready for that.

4. Your son is a grown man. He deserves to be treated like one. BTW, I may have missed it, but does he know about the other affair? If not, now's the time.

5. Give yourself time as far as dating is concerned. Most people are nice but there are some predators out there. Take it slow.

Good luck.

posts: 258   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8661908
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 11:10 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

How many betrayed here in SI would remarry?

Hell NO for me. One and done. I will never legally or financially be tied to another guy ever again.

Count me in. I loved my deceased WH but dang, he torchered me. And it was brutal. Caused me so much pain. Why??

I don't even know if I could even be tied to another guy again with what I went through. And the sad part is that I know that there are good men out there but I think it would be too hard to open my heart and trust to that extent again.

Good question.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8661915
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 3:02 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

There is no iron clad pre-nup that would or could protectvmy assets.

I don’t want to be legally responsible for anyone.

I do not want to live with anyone 24/7 either.

I would have a hard time trusting anyone so I would prefer to keep it casual and limited entanglement.

I have to say my grandmother was married 3x. She was widowed each time. And all (my grandfather and two others) were great guys. Loved her to pieces. Me? I’m not sure I would get that lucky.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8661935
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 9:35 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

I lived with my WW exbf for 14 years but we never married, and it still hurt like hell when he cheated, and still rips your life apart. It was easier to disentangle our financial/practical lives but it has the same impact on your emotional one.

I am probably insane but I’d probably get married if I met a suitable victim, at the end of the day I enjoyed being in a relationship and so I don’t want to miss out because of fear, if it happens again then it happens again. I’ll always keep my finances separate though, it is much easier!

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8661955
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 3:20 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021


How many betrayed here in SI would remarry?

shrug. I did though I swore at the time of my divorce I wouldn't. Might be different as I've always kept our finances separate. Houses have always been in my name before marriage. We have our monthly budget of typical bills and she just sends me the percentage by income/total income every month. Worst thing that could happen is if I married on a valley in home prices and sold on a peak. The ex and I married & divorced near valleys so cost wise it wasn't horrid for 10 years.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:23 AM, Monday, May 24th]

posts: 739   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8661984
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 4:59 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

There is no iron clad pre-nup that would or could protectvmy assets.

I don’t want to be legally responsible for anyone.

I do not want to live with anyone 24/7 either.

I would have a hard time trusting anyone so I would prefer to keep it casual and limited entanglement.

I have to say my grandmother was married 3x. She was widowed each time. And all (my grandfather and two others) were great guys. Loved her to pieces. Me? I’m not sure I would get that lucky.

Completely agree.

I am beginning to come out of the pain of who he was and his death. Still hurts but at least I'm moving in the right direction. And I surely don't want to go through that again. I don't care how nice and trusting the next man may appear to be, I refuse to want to put my life and choices into someone else's care ever again. Nope.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 11:08 AM, May 23rd (Sunday)]

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8662005
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HopefulJourney ( Member #51566) posted at 9:45 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

TWO, you have been as honorable as a man can be. Well done.

The church has no idea how to truly love hurt and broken people through the messiness of life. It’s too legalistic and busy building the elite club and searching for pillars through its exceptionalism.

And I love and believe in Jesus!

Continue to be strong and courageous. Your sons foundation has been rocked to its core. He questions his whole life now regarding his mother and wonders why you didn’t protect him. I’m glad you are forthcoming and holding space for him. You are right, his loss is the greatest in all of this.

Hang in there!

Me : BS (57) FWH (57)
Married 26 years
DS: 24, DS 22
Reconciled, doing well. WH still in therapy.
"And Still I Rise"~Maya Angelou

posts: 143   ·   registered: Jan. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Nevada
id 8662047
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 3:28 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

The crap really hit the fan today. I’m barricaded in my room and it has been a dog and pony show of epic proportions. I’ll update tomorrow when the vampires are gone. 😆

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662095
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 3:58 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

So I take it church went well today.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8662102
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:10 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

Sorry man but hold your ground.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662104
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 5:48 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

I'm with most of you on this. I haven't closed the door at remarrying but I am just not eager to do this again. I'm too old, I'm too set in my ways. I've dated women since the divorce, and had a great time. I even thought something might have come of one them, about a year ago. It just didn't feel right. I've changed a lot and one of the things that isn't coming back easily is my positive attitude about relationships.

I used to think "wouldn't it be awful to die alone".. but that doesn't terrify me any more. My kids are grown, going out in the world. The house is almost paid off. My affairs are in order. I'm enjoying life, mostly by myself. My relationship with my kids is great and they visit me often, far more than they do my ex (for.. reasons).

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8662110
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 5:52 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

The crap really hit the fan today. I’m barricaded in my room and it has been a dog and pony show of epic proportions. I’ll update tomorrow when the vampires are gone. 😆

Dang. This is sounding ominous as hell. My guess-- It's Sunday today. Hmm. ya think, maybe it has something to do with that church? Say it isn't so.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8662111
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:18 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

I’m hoping the storm has passed. Please update when you can.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8662145
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 1:09 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

Brother the shit show is just picking up its pace.

Communicate openly with your son. He is a big boy but will always be your little one so talk to him.

STBX will start to build the barricades to defend her lifestyle. But not your love. Yes I believe this was her being too selfish to see you, I mean really see you, what you were going through. Hence at the cafe it was all about her.

Keep her family at arms length but let them know that you will not accept any bull shit.

Be that rock 🪨

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8662154
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elKAPPYtan ( Member #72085) posted at 3:34 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

How many betrayed here in SI would remarry?

that's a hell no for me too

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 152   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8662195
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 3:45 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

UPDATE:

Sorry this took so long. So essentially my wife has moved in with her parents. I want to be clear that I did not kick her out of the house or ask her to leave. She left on invite of her mom and dad and her own volition. Basically what happened is at some point on Friday a church member got word that I had resigned from the music and the church. That is all this person knew and she relayed it to my wife. At about 2:00 Friday afternoon my wife calls me in a huff asking me if it was true I had resigned.

I must digress at this point to say that I had not told my wife about my resignation. All week I have been in full 180 grey granite mode and have been staying mostly to myself. Over the prior four days we had essentially been communicating to each other in one sentence announcements. One morning she told me bye even though I did not acknowledge it. She has not tried to browbeat me nor has she been stalking me like many waywards do. When we would cross paths in the kitchen or laundry we would murmur a hello and then just pass each other. Very weird and awkward but it is what it is. I know now that she was trying to play the long game on me.

Anyway she was not so much angry as perturbed and confused. First thing out of her mouth was “You should have told me you were going to do that so we could decide how to approach the church.” I replied that I was under no obligation to her anymore and that there is no “we” anymore. I told her that she fired me as her husband, and that I was now a free agent able to do what I wanted when I want without her consent. That set her off and she started to dress me down with some not very Christian expletives. When she took a breather I simply said “Sorry you feel that way” and I hung up and then shut my phone off. Well, narcissists hate being hung up on. At 4:00 p.m. guess who shows up at my house? Her mom, asking me “what the heck” was going on with hands on hips. I admonished her for using such tawdry language as “heck” and then told her that she needs to ask her daughter what was going on, and then she indicated that my wife had told her nothing: only that I had left the church without her consent. I told her that she needed to sit her daughter down and ask her what was up, because I was not going to tell her. I did however tell her that I would be divorcing her little angel and we would be most likely going our own ways, and that this was the reason I stepped down quietly from my positions at church. She spent several minutes trying to dig the info out of me but I didn’t budge. She left the house with a little black cloud hovering over her head. I don’t think I have ever seen that women exhibit that amount of emotion in all the decades I have known her, even when this happened the first time. Generally, she is as emotionless as a Vulcan.

I have no interactions with anyone all weekend. My wife was nowhere to be found. I didn't go looking. Around 5:30 p.m. yesterday I unblock my phone to look to see if I had gotten any business-related calls. There must have been twenty calls from my wife, three from her dad and a couple from her mom. I didn’t answer them of course.

Then I left to the gym and while I was there my wife called and I stupidly answered. She demanded I come home immediately. She was crying and hysterical this time. So I told her I would be home after I stopped to get something to eat and cut the conversation short. I got to the house at about 7:30 p.m. and her parents car and hers are in the driveway. Upon entering her dad stood up from where he had been sitting on the couch and started his spiel. He is old now, bent over and a shade of his former self, but still quite intimidating. He started to ask why I was doing what I was doing and I held up my hand and told him to stop. When he eventually stopped jabbering I asked him “F____ what did your daughter tell you?” He said “This is not about her, this is about you running from your responsibilities…. Blah…blah blah” I won’t insult the intelligence of the fine folks here by enumerating the list of asinine topics he and I went over, but by the end of the talk, which lasted well over twenty minutes, I had shut down every argument he and my MIL tried to make as to absolve their precious little girl from what she had done. The whole time my wife sat sobbing with this angry, pinched face, interjecting her pointless comments and stupid reasoning wherever she could. I let them roll off my back, I stayed calm. I think you all would have been proud of me, sitting there alone and facing off these vultures. So reasonable, so smart, so spiritual… They made me sick.

When running the ball straight wasn’t working, they decided on the outside option pass: my wife called my son to try to get him to turn coat on me. I am proud to say my boy didn’t falter. Over speakerphone the kid flipped his lid and laid into his mom, destroying her so utterly that at one point I had to step in (chuckling a little) and ask him to stop talking to her the way he was. My wife was crying and on her knees screaming whenever he would call her some new adjective, MIL just sat there wide eyed trying to talk herself into waking up from the nightmare she was in, and FIL was on his feet shaking his fists trying to get his grandson to stop. Eventually I overrode everyone and told my son to cool off and that I would talk to him later. He hung up and the FIL turned on me again. By this time I was laughing so hard I was red and giggling like a kid at the absurdity of it all. He approached me as if he was going to hit me and I just stopped laughing and told him if he took one step closer I would flatten him. Wife charged in between us and grabbed her dad, and then I told them all to leave. I went into my bedroom and locked my door. Bang! Bang! Wife tried to get me to open but I wouldn’t. Bang bang bang bang! The yelling and commotion went on for another fifteen minutes or so but eventually died down and the in-laws left. My wife called to me several times, left and then came back and called me again, and again and again… eventually she hit the door really hard like she had kicked it. She let loose some parting volleys, demanding that I stop acting like a child. About twenty minutes later I heard the front door slam and could faintly hear her car starting and her leaving. I went into the bedroom and saw she had packed some clothes and taken her toiletries. That is when I got on the computer and made last evening’s post. She has been blowing my phone up this morning. I think it is starting to set in that I am serious about divorce. I think up until last night she thought she could wait me out and that I would fold.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 9:49 AM, May 24th (Monday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662200
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