Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:55 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

It’s because you are going to live life for you on your terms. Not everyone else’s.

You’re doing well. Keep it up.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660621
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:38 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

The feeling you are experiencing is LIBERATION. I felt the same after my ex-WW's second affair was discovered. Keep doing what you are doing so magnificently. Follow your lawyer's advice concerning revealing what happened to the AP's wife. Keeping everything as drama-free as possible until the divorce is final is the way to go.

posts: 413   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8660634
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 10:44 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

In case you’re wondering about the ‘break up’ and then the query about telling his wife....well you can guess the logic and the truthfulness of that.

Exactly, and this is why SI can be so helpful. We can often put WS's words and actions in slow motion just enough to examine the logic and whether they have the ring of truth about them.

Just more ammo for moving forward with your life.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4225   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8660637
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 11:00 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

TWO, You've handled this like a champ. The only one who's done it better here is SpaceGhost, and he's a legend.

DIFM

Member

Member # 1703

Default Posted: 10:18 AM, May 18th (Tuesday), 2021 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So at this point she has not told her mom and dad. I am not sure I need to press her to do this or if I should just stay out of it.

They are her parents and I would just as soon stay out of that side of it

I think it is best to not press her to do anything......anything at all, other than respect your 180. She will or won't tell her parents. Or, more likely, she will tell a sanitized version. But this is not your concern. Your concern is to escape the infidelity shitstorm as intact as you can.

This is excellent advice.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 5:00 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8660643
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 11:24 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021



In case you’re wondering about the ‘break up’ and then the query about telling his wife....well you can guess the logic and the truthfulness of that.


Exactly, and this is why SI can be so helpful. We can often put WS's words and actions in slow motion just enough to examine the logic and whether they have the ring of truth about them.


If OSB is as loose of canon as you have stated, that's enough of a reason for STBX to worry about OBS knowing instead of concern for AP or an ongoing affair. Doesn't rule either out though. Likely at least a combination of the first two and probably or maybe the last. It also doesn't rule out AP dropping stbx when he found out that you know.

[This message edited by grubs at 11:25 PM, Tuesday, May 18th]

posts: 740   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8660653
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 2:32 AM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

I see it the other way, what’s the logic in her ‘breaking up’ with her boyfriend and then announcing it to our hero? None. If she was doing it because it was the right thing to do or because she was trying to save something, she would have been more overt in her measures. The way she disclosed it even a child would not believe her within the context of current circumstances. It served no potential purpose except for the only possible purpose.

It was a cover story that they invented to save his marriage.

The best part is they are not smart and/or composed enough to process all of the permutations. They are also handicapped with arrogance. Once it goes a few weeks they’ll assume that that aspect of it has blown over, which will make the eventual disclosure even more glorious.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8660714
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Kindern ( New Member #78441) posted at 11:51 AM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

I agree with Grubs.

No real way to infer if it is over. She benefits from ending it as much as she “benefits” from maintaining an affair with a married man.

If OBS is as bad as TWO makes out she has every reason to go into full damage control. If she can keep TWO from spilling the beans and both WS’s wipe all evidence of the affair she stands a chance of only losing TWO. At the very least it being over plays better to a crowd than it being ongoing.

All the reasons TWO outlined for keeping this from OBS for now apply to reasons she would be ending things. She’s losing her husband over this regardless but her job and social standing are still on the table. Assuming she didn’t actually care for OM all that much ending things is a small sacrifice for all that.

Of course she could just be lying in an attempt to make TWO feel better during IHS. This is the minor downside of the full 180, limited insight into what the other camp is doing or feeling.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8660758
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:09 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Is it in any way relevant if WW and OM might or might not still be having an affair and/or why and if she broke it off or if it was OM or WW that ended it?

TWO has clearly stated he wants a divorce and is going for that full-force. I would focus on that right now – the best, quickest divorce you can get.

If WW wants to turn tricks at the local Fire Department… well… it definitely would say a lot about her but should only convince TWO that he’s on the right track. A track he wants to be on and is on.

This is why I suggested you move to Divorce and Separation TWO – the focus should be on divorce and divorce proceedings. Your focus should be on shortening the period you two reside together and/or can impact each others lives in any significant manner.

Factors like telling the OMW or ending the affair… unfortunately they take a back-seat while you strive for your best resolution on the divorce.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8660762
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 12:23 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

I agree with Bigger.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8660765
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 1:59 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Yes I wouldn't begin to be able to suspect what my wife and the other man might be up to, or if the OBS knows or not. I am keeping my head down and pushing forward through the storm. I am not going to concern myself with all of that drama. My wife is going to do what she is going to do. I no longer care or plan on tracking her movements anymore, which is why I come and go through the back of my office and avoid her as much as possible. I avoided her totally last night and this morning.

After I got back from the lawyer's office and the gym I spoke with my son at length and gave him some more of the backstory about the first affair, and then what I knew about the current one. He's decided to get a job and stay put for the summer instead of coming home, which I think would be good for him. I think he is disgusted with his mom.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 8:03 AM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660783
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

I am keeping my head down and pushing forward through the storm.

Good technique. You can look around and check out the sights once clear of the "aircraft"

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8660826
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 10:48 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Lawyer texted me. He wants me to set up a location and time on Monday for my wife to be served. Shit. I thought it would happen Friday.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660948
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 11:25 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Sorry. These things tend to drag.

Maybe a good time for you to get away for the weekend. Visit family, friends or just go someplace by yourself.

As you’ve seen from visiting the divorce forum many wallow in the mire. Unable to stick with or make a decision.

You don’t seem to have that problem as you’ve been down this road before. Continue on your path to stay above ot.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation, etc.

Ignoring is a great option.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660967
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jujuchrist ( New Member #78594) posted at 8:14 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

When I read this

Last night my wife got home from work around 8:00 p.m. I had already been to the gym, showered and had made myself a shake and she approached me in the kitchen. She asked if she could talk to me and I went into 180 mode and told her I would listen to what she had to say. She looked haggard and tired. She looked like I felt. She said that she had broken things off with the other guy and that she wanted to come clean with me and that I could ask her anything I wanted to. I asked her if the other man's wife knew of the affair. She said she didn't believe so. Then she asked me if I was going to tell her, and I said "No, I'm not planning on it." Then she thanked me, and I told her don't thank me and that it was her place to tell the OBS and not mine. She didn't like that, and I didn't push it. We then talked a bit about our son, and her parents. She asked me if I had told mine and I told her yes, that we were divorcing but that I did not give them specifics other than she had done the same thing she had done fifteen years ago. At that point my wife teared up and just kind of stared at her feet for a while and eventually mumbled "I'm such a screw up." I just stayed 180 and said "Well, I am going to my office. Good night." And that was that. So at this point she has not told her mom and dad. I am not sure I need to press her to do this or if I should just stay out of it. They are her parents and I would just as soon stay out of that side of it.

I think about this

What I will tell you all is that the texts between her and OM were extremely critical and belittling of me. She regales him of how bad I am in bed, how I am nerdy and unrefined, how I have a dad bod, how sexy he is and so much more manly and aggressive sexually he is than me. Yeah... it is real uplifting stuff.

I've been reading about infidelity for a long time.

And I've noticed two patterns:

- Those who do it "for themselves" but without denigrating their husbands. They look for things elsewhere but don't push the disrespect to the point of humiliating the husband a little more by denigrating him or using the marital bed.

- Those who don't care about their husbands, who have no problem denigrating or humiliating them.

Behind this there is really the question of the respect that one has for one's spouse, it is way beyond the question of love.

Only the first ones can, in some cases, deserve any form of reconciliation (even without coming back to couple).

But with you TWO, it's obvious: she doesn't deserve it. The next time she cries about what she did, stick those denigrating texts under her nose. Then, run away and don't talk to her ever again.

NB : when things will be organized for you, maybe think about telling the OBS. Her husband was supposed to be a friend of yours, not an unknown random dude. He, also, had a loyalty duty about you. So, does he deserve to keep everything?

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 2:20 AM, May 20th (Thursday)]

Julien

posts: 40   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8661050
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 11:45 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Lawyer texted me. He wants me to set up a location and time on Monday for my wife to be served. Shit. I thought it would happen Friday.

Unfortunately this will not be the first nor will it be the last delay in your effort to free yourself from your wife. More delays are to follow and are part of the process. This doesn't include any delays your wife will generate should she choose to be difficult.

It would be best to ask her when & where her preference is ASAP. However, you would like to deny her the opportunity to delay or avoid the inevitable. You also have no desire much less patience for her to attempt to talk you out of it.

Perhaps the best course action is to txt your wife about her preference Friday while she is at work. Early in her day so that the logistics workout on your lawyer's end. Send a follow up txt to her in the afternoon when you have confirmation that all is in readiness. Add that you will be away and unavailable for the weekend. Find someplace to be, hotel or otherwise.

If you choose to ask her today (Thursday) then plan for your weekend to begin earlier, as in early Thursday afternoon. Hard to predict what she will do. I would assume nothing would keep her at the office past regular hours. Would even expect her to leave early. Rather comical how a marriage becomes a priority near its end.

Regardless of any further delays and frustrations you will encounter, remain focused on the primary goal - divorce and freedom from her. Survive each day as it comes.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 5:47 AM, May 20th (Thursday)]

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8661065
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 1:43 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Reading my last post I apologize if it came off as suggestion anything other than something for our hero to hang his hat on. Even the strongest of us can second guess decisions and I think there is some value at this stage to reaffirmation of decisions. I agree with everything that Bigger said (as usual!)

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8661083
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 9:00 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

So my son called me. He was crying and I asked what was up. He asked me why I didn't divorce his mom the first time she cheated. I was taken aback and it took me a minute to compose myself. So I told him essentially what I told all of you: that under pressure from his grandfather and the church family I rugswept her affair and stayed with her. Then he told me I should have been stronger and not folded like a cheap tent. He told me he was disappointed in me and that he has vowed he will never let anyone treat him like that. He was angry and crying harder and then he hung up on me.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8661255
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 9:03 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

That's tough to read, TWO.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8661257
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:09 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Sorry man.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8661260
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 9:16 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

He told me he was disappointed in me and that he has vowed he will never let anyone treat him like that. He was angry and crying harder and then he hung up on me.

Young men tend to be visceral and emotional about imagined matters of principle. This is why nations send their young men off to war. Once a person lives some years and takes a few hard punches, makes some compromises for the sake of career or family, one understands that things aren't necessarily so cut and dry.

In other words, he'll come around.

In the meantime, tell him that you hope he never has to face infidelity in his life, that you love him, and that if he does find himself facing it, you will be there for him.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:55 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

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