SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Cooley2here

I remember one time I just stop loving my husband. Eventually it came back but I remember that time as not being at ease. In fact there was a hole in me where love had been and so I was glad to fill it back up again. I hope it’s some point you find love to fill that hole up.

Yep. That's it. Right there. This is me. I don't remember exactly when I stopped loving her. I do remember one day when I saw her fall and land on her tailbone. This was about four years ago. Before this I would have run to her and carried her back in the house. This time I just walked over, helped her to her feet and let her limp back into the house by herself. I had run out of change for her, plain and simple.

Marz

Good reason to never lie to the kids. They aren’t stupid and always know more than you think.

Now he know you’re honest and he can always rely on you for the truth.

Now be prepared for the attempted love bombing and the pastor trying to get you to (fight for your marriage, etc)!!!! I always cringe when I hear that. There is no marriage. She ended it long ago when she stepped out. You’ll be fine now.

Yeah. I heard her talking to my son last night when I got home. It was heated. She didn't say anything to me, just went in the bedroom and shut the door. Surprisingly, she didn't cop an attitude or go off the rails at me.

I'm not going to talk to her parents. Not yet anyways. I'm going to let things die down.

BlueRaspberry

TheWrongOne,

You handled your D discussion with incredible grace and dignity. I am in awe. Your STBXW is losing a pretty incredible person...

Thank you for your kindness.

KingofNothing

So that's it. Sorry if I wasn't able to give a more dramatic story, but it really went off without a hitch. Very anticlimactic, but I guess that is a good thing

TWO: what are you apologizing for? You couldn't have possibly managed this any better than you did. Life isn't a drama on the Lifetime Network. It's not always about dramatic revenge moments. This was two people, without histrionics, bittersweet, sad, sure. Also, oh so necessary.

You really did well, TWO. I have to say it, your STBX did as well as possible under the circumstances. Credit where it is due-- no screaming, no wailing, just the quiet come to Jesus moment (pardon me) of someone out of options, and admitting it at long last. Your son is an ace.

Believe it or not, we do love a good ending, but it's far from over yet. I'd be interested in the reaction you are about to experience from her side of the family.

Best of luck with the unspooling of all this. You've deserved some peace for a long time now.

Thank you very much, that means a lot.

Thumos

You’re a stand up guy and I admire your restraint. At least she didn’t try to deny it. I think mostly what you were seeing was sadness for herself. She knows what a solid quality man you are, and she relied on that stability to enable her to cheat.

She probably also realizes the relationship with her AP is a fantasyland going nowhere, so in one fell swoop plan A and plan B are gone.

I would urge you to reconsider telling OBS. I didn’t particularly like OBS in my case either, but she deserved to know.

Thanks Thumos. I cannot and will not try to crawl inside that woman's head to understand what she is thinking. At this moment she is at work wondering if I am blowing up her world and how much damage control she is going to have to do. She is already in hot water with our son. As for the other stuff, she is a successful woman with a fine car, nice clothes and a fat savings account. I was a piece of furniture to her. She will move on quickly. As for the OBS? Not yet.

Marz

I will not tolerate interference from her parents this time. They have no ground to stand on because outwardly I have been a model husband to my wife. Then again, they are very old and they don't have much fight in them. Her dad retired from preaching and heading the church about three years ago and is now just the assistant pastor and a deacon. I will most likely quit this church, even though the music director will beg me not to.

Get out of that church before the shit hits the fan. You just don’t need the hassle. It would be meaningless at this time. You count. They don’t. No matter what you will be the bad guy. They will rally around poor muffin. She’s a serial cheater. Enough said.

They are hypocrites and you’ll be wasting your time trying to defend your actions. You’ve been through this before so you know the score. They will do everything in their power to silence you. You will be the enemy. Your best course of action is NO DISCUSSION. Cut them off. Zero contact. You just walk away. Make them nothing which is what they are.

Yes I have already contacted the head preacher and will be meeting with him and the trustees tomorrow. I plan on letting them know I will be stepping down from the music, and will be making arrangements to hand the construction project off to someone else. It will be interesting.

Thumos

Agreed. We can’t make the decision for you and we don’t know the details of your daily life, but it would seem wise to get away from that church pronto.

That is the plan. I plan on picking up all my bass equipment from the church tomorrow. Low profile. I don't plan on talking to any more people than I have to. I imagine after next Sunday I will get bombarded with calls from church family asking me what happened. I just plan on telling people I am getting divorced and cannot remain in the music group for the time being.

Buster123

Good job, I'm glad you had a hotel room ready to spare you from any possible drama and to clear your head at least for a couple of days. Your son knows he can always rely on you for the truth, and like Marz mentioned, this is exactly why the consensus here on SI is to tell the kids in an age appropriate way and without the gory details, as well as both sets of parents and close relatives/mutual friends.

Yeah he took it on the chin like a man. I'm proud of him for not putting up with his mom's b.s. he knows we love him and he will be okay.

Marz

You’ve got a good start on no contact. Stay with it. Other than text or email about the divorce there is nothing more to discuss.

You’ve been through this before. Contact or discussion WILL ONLY HARM YOU !!!!!

Take care of yourself. These type of hypocrites will stop at nothing to get their way. They cannot get to you unless you allow it. You control this they do not.

Yes. I have been doing the 180 hard since last night. I have the steps taped to my work folder so I can remember them. I plan on living that list. She gets a concrete slab from now on. Business only. I have also moved all my belongings downstairs to the guest bedroom. As of now we are just house mates. I plan on grey rocking her. I shall be the Matterhorn of grey rocks.

How do you keep a Baptist preacher from drinking and getting drunk on a fishing trip?

Take two of them.

nekonamida

I have to say I was surprised at how sad she was.

Don't be. When a cheater wants a divorce, they get one. But she, like most, didn't want that. She wanted you at home helping to provide for her lifestyle and all the social credits being in a "successful" marriage as long as yours could afford her AND OM on the side. Yes, she probably does have some strong fond feelings for you lingering deep down but she has not acted the role of a loving spouse for a long time. The tears aren't for you. They're for herself and how complicated her life just got when a large chunk of her income and her chore buddy just walked out on her. If you lost all that over something as dumb and worthless as OM, you'd cry too.

You're doing great. One foot in front of the other. You've got this.

Yeah hard to say. I agree that there might be some residual love for me there somewhere. I think she loves me the way one would a brother. She and I were still having pretty good sex up until three or four months ago, up until the affair went into overdrive. That is the only time it dried up.

Actually, sex was never our problem. We were enthusiastic in bed. She never complained and I always got her off. The problem was her constant need for attention, and the possibility that she no longer respected me after she started making more money than me. Women are score keepers, and for her money is power. She thought she had the power in the relationship, and I just showed her she did not.

guvensiz

Everything went perfectly. But it is a pity that the perfect thing is the end of the marriage.

This is what should happen now, and even long time before.

I was expecting what would happen here as a stranger, but after the inevitable end comes true, I still can't help but feel sad for you who never deserve these, for your STBXW who ruined everything with her selfishness, immorality, indifference and stupidity, and for your son who has nothing to do with it.

Every story that ends here as it should be (I can't call it a happy ending) even creates a bitterness with the question "Did all this have to happen?"

Thank you. Yes. The part of me that believes God has a purpose for everything keeps asking this very question.

asc1226

I'm not going to try to railroad you M_____. I don't intend to embarrass you publicly. I want this to go smoothly and I don't want us to fight.

Here’s to hoping she lets you follow through with this.

My hope as well.

Thumos

I'm not going to try to railroad you M_____. I don't intend to embarrass you publicly. I want this to go smoothly and I don't want us to fight.

Maybe about as classy as I've ever seen. Wonder what the trolls at reddit adultery think about that.

Last I saw someone had taken down that post.

Tigersrule77

I'm glad things went the way you wanted. Hopefully they will continue as such.

Sorry to hear about your son. His aunt should have told you about that, so that you could have talked to him about it. You are correct, he shouldn't have had to hide that from you.

Good luck, I hope the D goes smoothly for you.

Thank you. And yes, his aunt is a horse's patoot.

Marz

Don't be. When a cheater wants a divorce, they get one. But she, like most, didn't want that. She wanted you at home helping to provide for her lifestyle and all the social credits being in a "successful" marriage as long as yours could afford her AND OM on the side. Yes, she probably does have some strong fond feelings for you lingering deep down but she has not acted the role of a loving spouse for a long time. The tears aren't for you. They're for herself and how complicated her life just got when a large chunk of her income and her chore buddy just walked out on her. If you lost all that over something as dumb and worthless as OM, you'd cry too.

Truer words were never written. She’s so sorry she got caught.

You’re informing your son.

No more cake eating.

People may find out she’s a serial cheater.

Sorry man but her feelings for you are way down on the list. If they are on there at all.

I do think word of her cheating will eventually filter down. The truth always floats to the surface.

ramius

How do you keep a Baptist preacher from drinking and getting drunk on a fishing trip?

Take two of them.

Where I grew up we had this exact same joke. But it was with Mormons instead of Baptists.

And guess who told me that joke the first time? My Mormon neighbor!

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

I like Mormons better than Baptists.

Wanttobebetter

TWO,

Best of luck embarking on your journey of being a free man. You have handled the situation as best as anyone can imagine and with grace.

It is just sad to imagine you two who once love each other sitting at your favorite restaurant across each other and not saying anything but knowing full well the marriage is coming to an end. It is just sad despite her infidelities..

Stay strong and don't let anyone at the church strong arm you to anything.

Yes it was a surreal experience.

smolderingdark

You have done an excellent job but I would strongly advise you not to underestimate what she is still capable of. She was blindsided by you and is off balance. You haven't served the divorce papers yet and she hasn't spoken to a lawyer or signed anything.

Unlike many betrayed husbands you had no interest in a confrontation and even less in reconciliation. Matter of fact and business like is how you chose to advise her the marriage was ending. Unlike many others in your place, you acted without any show of emotion or desire for for her or the possibility of reconciling with her.

Step by step you removed each of a wayward's manipulative tools.

The public setting denied her the option to act out.

She mentioned God and you immediately seized the opportunity to state that there would not be a follow up to the last reconciliation through the church.

She wanted to explain. You denied her the opportunity to lie and attempt to shift blame for her poor choices.

She wanted to apologize. You denied her that opportunity as well. Not really much different from the explanation. Lies and blame shifting would have been what you would have gotten.

Let us not forget the children. The same ones waywards regularly discard for their APs until their hour of need. She mentions your son. She was not really concerned with any harm that news of the divorce would do to him as much as what you planned to tell him and how that would damage her relationship with him. What is ironic is that your son is already aware of his mother's first affair. Any effort your wife makes to turn him against you will backfire.

You were out of the house for the weekend and advised you would be unavailable further denying her any immediate opportunity to attempt manipulation.

Although your handling of the matter was far from nuclear it was complete devastation for the fantasy life she has been living - career, marriage, family and AP. Your wife is unlikely to release you easily or willingly regardless of the fact you do not intend to ruin her crafted and hollow image/reputation with exposure.

Trust nothing she says especially where her feelings for you are concerned. She has had 15 years to make amends and done nothing of the kind. Her actions have told you all you needed to know since the first affair. She feels no remorse or sadness toward you. This is not in any way a reflection of your worth. Frankly she is not capable of appreciating you for who you are or anyone else for that matter. She only values what others can do for her.

Whatever emotions she happens to be feeling are for herself and the losses she will endure. Do not trust anything she says or suggests even if her intentions seem fair and true, assume there is only an advantage for her. Keep your interests first and foremost and do not yield or compromise in your effort to free yourself from her.

Thank you for that. That is good wisdom. Believe me I am watching my back. After today I plan on just avoiding her altogether. I can do that easily. My back door comes right off my office, so I can go and leave the house without her even knowing. I can eat before she gets home, and now that we are divorcing I doubt she will want to be around home much.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 12:52 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

As for the OBS? Not yet.

It's your call, of course. I can only tell you my experience and the experience of many others here: If we didn't tell the OBS, we regret it. If we did, it's one of the things we felt we did right.

My experience: I didn't tell the OBS and didn't reach out to her until a year later. Huge mistake. Huge. Can't overstate that. I very much wish I'd informed her on D-Day.

It isn't about revenge. It's not about control (at least insofar as controlling your WW). It's about allowing another betrayed person who did nothing to deserve this agency and autonomy over their lives, so they aren't operating under false premises with a cheating spouse. If the OBS knew and didn't tell you, how would you feel about that?

It does not have to be a long drawn out process. A phone call can suffice.

Just sayin'

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:01 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

Congratulations and stay strong. Friends and family are especially important right now. You handled everything remarkably well. I could never have kept it together with the way you did. I would have gone postal (figuratively) long before you ended things.

Once there is no longer a need to keep it secret, I strongly urge you to tell the OBS. My only regret in divorcing the ex-WW was not telling the OBS. She may find out anyway or already have suspicions and might approach you once she hears of the divorce. Be prepared for that eventuality. Good luck to you as you navigate through these next several months.

That is the plan. I plan on picking up all my bass equipment from the church tomorrow. Low profile. I don't plan on talking to any more people than I have to. I imagine after next Sunday I will get bombarded with calls from church family asking me what happened. I just plan on telling people I am getting divorced and cannot remain in the music group for the time being.

I’d keep it simple. Tell them you’re leaving get your stuff and LEAVE. You don’t owe them an explanation unless you want.

You are in control of this. No one else has any power over you unless you give it to them.

Good luck to you.

TheWrongOne, I just wanted to add my $0.02.

From what you described, you handled this with grace and class, and did not give your WW any chance at spinning the story, blame shifting , TT, etc., and for that I commend you.

Very sad your Son had to carry that burden for years. In my case, we have kept my WW’s affairs quiet, very few people know.

You have a sound plan!

You did an amazing job! I think you timed everything just right. Since she's not calling the shots here, you may hear more from her - it's easy for them to want a divorce when they think they are in control of the decision, it's harder when they lose that control. I don't need to tell you to be very skeptical of anything you hear from her. Mostly, it's just qualms about a big life change. Everyone gets that. But the underlying fundamentals remain the same.

As for your son ... yeah, kids find out, more often than not. If it hadn't been the aunt he probably would have figured it out some other way. The positive of the aunt's loose tongue is that it probably helped him understand the changes he was seeing at home. For this reason I believe kids have the right to know the big stuff.

Thank you all so much for your support. I really really cannot thank you all enough. You do not know what your combined wisdom has meant to me.

As for the OBS, please understand: I cannot afford for that mean-ass woman to go full tilt boogie on my wife. Yes, I understand that there is a moral imperative here. But try to understand that last time the wife did this I put myself last and everyone first, to my lasting detriment. I cannot do that this time. I cannot be the one to release the Kraken.

If the OBS finds out, goes to my wife's job and confronts her there, it could be a real problem. That is exactly what this chick will do too. I doubt she could get my wife fired, but she could trash my wife's rep to the point where her CEO could demote my wife or worse. No I cannot stop the OBS, but I am sure not going to be the one to tip her off. I might as well shoot myself in the big toe. I am just going to have to be the a-hole here and see to my own selfish needs.

Going to head out to the gym. Just got a membership today and I'm going to start getting in better shape. I'll chime back in when there are developments.

You are assuming the OBS won't find out on her own. If you tell her then you can ask her to not cause problems at your wife's place of employment, as a favor to you,the one person to show her a bit of respect in this entire situation.

If she finds out on her own,and eventually she will, she will go scorched earth,and she will include you in that,and you will be in no position to ask any favors.

Right now, OBS is a ticking time bomb. It's only a matter of time.

Also, consider the OBS may be a bitch, because she has an unremorseful cheating husband, who has cheated before, and circumstances have made her bitter.

By not telling, you are doing OM a huge favor. Not to mention,he considers himself pretty lucky. He got to have sex with your wife, and her husband keeps his secret.

As with any forum take what you need. Leave the rest. It’s your life and your call.

It seems reasonable not to tell OBS right away. You have to act according to what your interests require. In this case, you should not act against your interests until an amicable divorce is complete. After that, you can tell anyone you want.

Telling the OBSs right away is often advisable in terms of ending the A and seeing if there can be R. This is not something that applies to you.

The reason "she deserves this" here does not come to me as a priority. This has something to do with the values of BS, but not with the interests. The primary goal should be to make WS and AP return to reality. And yes, that also means some degree of revenge, and it provides psychological relief. This is not a bad thing and BS has a right to it. People see revenge as a bad concept and they don't want to look bad when suggesting it, but this aspect of it seems much more rational to me.

I do agree with waiting until the divorce is final,in this case. Of course you still run the risk of her finding out before that happens.

But to say you won't tell her,once the divorce is final,is flat out wrong.

Your wife took the risk that his wife would find out. She decided it was worth it.

I do hope you do the right thing, and inform his wife once the divorce is finalized.

Been following this from the sidelines and just wanted to say, well done sir. I've always been a proponent of cutting losses and just getting the hell out with grace, class and dignity. No parting shots. No quest for revenge or karma. Just lay the groundwork for peace and a clean get away. Doing this as best you can knowing that things are not completely under your control and can still go totally sideways. Watch your back. Unremorseful Waywards can be dangerous and unpredictable. Fortunately you don't have to maintain much of a coparenting relationship with her. You two can just mostly geez on down the road. As far as the moral obligation to advise the OBS, do a risk vs gain assessment on that and any other notifications you maybe considering. Do only what will enable a clean extrication and nothing more.

I will second the advice to move from the Just Found Out forum to the Just Get Out forum.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:06 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

My experience: I didn't tell the OBS and didn't reach out to her until a year later.

In my case I was the OBS who wasn't told for over 6 months after OMs wife found out. That's 6 months I didn't know, and 6 months I continued living in a lie of a marriage.

If the OBS finds out, goes to my wife's job and confronts her there, it could be a real problem.

I totally get this, and it's a valid reason to delay telling her. But when you're ready, after the D is final and your agreement is implemented, she deserves to know. At that time, what OBS does with the information is no longer your concern.

Around here it's almost gospel that the BW inform the OBS.

The main exception that most here seem to agree with is where (a) the BS is divorcing the WS, and (b) there is a legitimate concern that the OBS could and would muck up the WS's employment, making D difficult. So you're doing the right thing.

My recommendation: go for the maximum spousal support you can get.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:37 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

Waiting to tell OBS is is your call, and since she could have a negative impact on the D outcome it’s a solid one. When you do tell her you can remind her that screwing around with your stbxww’s (or xww at that point) job could very well have an impact on her future, whether she chooses R or D with her WH, since he does business with your stbxww’s company. Any income he loses is family income/alimony OBS loses.

Might not matter if she’s the bitch on wheels you’ve described, but if it ends up damaging your stbxww’s career that goes in the consequences column.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 6:23 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

I don't feel good about holding back the info from the OBS. It would not be my first choice to do it, but my lawyer wants me to play it safe and not tell anyone outside the family. So, I am going to tuck myself under his protective wings and do what he says.

I don't know the laws of this state, but I want the divorce agreement locked in before I make any move. As small as our town is, I suspect word will get out at some point. I don't expect my idiot mother in law to hold her tongue. She'll blab, and it will get around.

Last night my wife got home from work around 8:00 p.m. I had already been to the gym, showered and had made myself a shake and she approached me in the kitchen. She asked if she could talk to me and I went into 180 mode and told her I would listen to what she had to say. She looked haggard and tired. She looked like I felt. She said that she had broken things off with the other guy and that she wanted to come clean with me and that I could ask her anything I wanted to. I asked her if the other man's wife knew of the affair. She said she didn't believe so. Then she asked me if I was going to tell her, and I said "No, I'm not planning on it." Then she thanked me, and I told her don't thank me and that it was her place to tell the OBS and not mine. She didn't like that, and I didn't push it. We then talked a bit about our son, and her parents. She asked me if I had told mine and I told her yes, that we were divorcing but that I did not give them specifics other than she had done the same thing she had done fifteen years ago. At that point my wife teared up and just kind of stared at her feet for a while and eventually mumbled "I'm such a screw up." I just stayed 180 and said "Well, I am going to my office. Good night." And that was that. So at this point she has not told her mom and dad. I am not sure I need to press her to do this or if I should just stay out of it. They are her parents and I would just as soon stay out of that side of it.

So at this point she has not told her mom and dad. I am not sure I need to press her to do this or if I should just stay out of it. They are her parents and I would just as soon stay out of that side of it

I think it is best to not press her to do anything......anything at all, other than respect your 180. She will or won't tell her parents. Or, more likely, she will tell a sanitized version. But this is not your concern. Your concern is to escape the infidelity shitstorm as intact as you can.

Part of your worries have been her parents intervention.

If you go along and tell them it’s like inviting them to have an opinion and a say.

Just carry on. You were quite clear from the start that you want a divorce and out of this marriage. Just keep on that track.

don't feel good about holding back the info from the OBS. It would not be my first choice to do it, but my lawyer wants me to play it safe and not tell anyone outside the family. So, I am going to tuck myself under his protective wings and do what he says.

Follow your attorney’s advice.