Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I have to say I was surprised at how sad she was.

Don't be. When a cheater wants a divorce, they get one. But she, like most, didn't want that. She wanted you at home helping to provide for her lifestyle and all the social credits being in a "successful" marriage as long as yours could afford her AND OM on the side. Yes, she probably does have some strong fond feelings for you lingering deep down but she has not acted the role of a loving spouse for a long time. The tears aren't for you. They're for herself and how complicated her life just got when a large chunk of her income and her chore buddy just walked out on her. If you lost all that over something as dumb and worthless as OM, you'd cry too.

You're doing great. One foot in front of the other. You've got this.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8660136
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 4:19 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Everything went perfectly. But it is a pity that the perfect thing is the end of the marriage.

This is what should happen now, and even long time before.

I was expecting what would happen here as a stranger, but after the inevitable end comes true, I still can't help but feel sad for you who never deserve these, for your STBXW who ruined everything with her selfishness, immorality, indifference and stupidity, and for your son who has nothing to do with it.

Every story that ends here as it should be (I can't call it a happy ending) even creates a bitterness with the question "Did all this have to happen?"

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8660137
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I'm not going to try to railroad you M_____. I don't intend to embarrass you publicly. I want this to go smoothly and I don't want us to fight.

Here’s to hoping she lets you follow through with this.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8660143
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:38 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I'm not going to try to railroad you M_____. I don't intend to embarrass you publicly. I want this to go smoothly and I don't want us to fight.

Maybe about as classy as I've ever seen. Wonder what the trolls at reddit adultery think about that.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8660146
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 4:44 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I'm glad things went the way you wanted. Hopefully they will continue as such.

Sorry to hear about your son. His aunt should have told you about that, so that you could have talked to him about it. You are correct, he shouldn't have had to hide that from you.

Good luck, I hope the D goes smoothly for you.

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8660152
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:51 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Don't be. When a cheater wants a divorce, they get one. But she, like most, didn't want that. She wanted you at home helping to provide for her lifestyle and all the social credits being in a "successful" marriage as long as yours could afford her AND OM on the side. Yes, she probably does have some strong fond feelings for you lingering deep down but she has not acted the role of a loving spouse for a long time. The tears aren't for you. They're for herself and how complicated her life just got when a large chunk of her income and her chore buddy just walked out on her. If you lost all that over something as dumb and worthless as OM, you'd cry too.

Truer words were never written. She’s so sorry she got caught.

You’re informing your son.

No more cake eating.

People may find out she’s a serial cheater.

Sorry man but her feelings for you are way down on the list. If they are on there at all.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:52 AM, May 17th (Monday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660155
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 4:57 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Do you guys want me to continue posting here? Or should I go to the divorce group?

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660158
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 4:59 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

How do you keep a Baptist preacher from drinking and getting drunk on a fishing trip?

Take two of them.

Where I grew up we had this exact same joke. But it was with Mormons instead of Baptists.

And guess who told me that joke the first time? My Mormon neighbor!

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8660160
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 5:01 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Do you guys want me to continue posting here? Or should I go to the divorce group?

You may post wherever you like, but I think you'll find great support in the S&D forum.

Wishing you the very best as you move out of infidelity!

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8660163
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 5:13 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I'll second that. I'm appreciating your story as an example of how to do something right. I can follow it anywhere on this board that makes sense to you.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8660171
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 5:16 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

TWO,

Best of luck embarking on your journey of being a free man. You have handled the situation as best as anyone can imagine and with grace.

It is just sad to imagine you two who once love each other sitting at your favorite restaurant across each other and not saying anything but knowing full well the marriage is coming to an end. It is just sad despite her infidelities..

Stay strong and don't let anyone at the church strong arm you to anything.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8660176
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

You have done an excellent job but I would strongly advise you not to underestimate what she is still capable of. She was blindsided by you and is off balance. You haven't served the divorce papers yet and she hasn't spoken to a lawyer or signed anything.

Unlike many betrayed husbands you had no interest in a confrontation and even less in reconciliation. Matter of fact and business like is how you chose to advise her the marriage was ending. Unlike many others in your place, you acted without any show of emotion or desire for for her or the possibility of reconciling with her.

Step by step you removed each of a wayward's manipulative tools.

The public setting denied her the option to act out.

She mentioned God and you immediately seized the opportunity to state that there would not be a follow up to the last reconciliation through the church.

She wanted to explain. You denied her the opportunity to lie and attempt to shift blame for her poor choices.

She wanted to apologize. You denied her that opportunity as well. Not really much different from the explanation. Lies and blame shifting would have been what you would have gotten.

Let us not forget the children. The same ones waywards regularly discard for their APs until their hour of need. She mentions your son. She was not really concerned with any harm that news of the divorce would do to him as much as what you planned to tell him and how that would damage her relationship with him. What is ironic is that your son is already aware of his mother's first affair. Any effort your wife makes to turn him against you will backfire.

You were out of the house for the weekend and advised you would be unavailable further denying her any immediate opportunity to attempt manipulation.

Although your handling of the matter was far from nuclear it was complete devastation for the fantasy life she has been living - career, marriage, family and AP. Your wife is unlikely to release you easily or willingly regardless of the fact you do not intend to ruin her crafted and hollow image/reputation with exposure.

Trust nothing she says especially where her feelings for you are concerned. She has had 15 years to make amends and done nothing of the kind. Her actions have told you all you needed to know since the first affair. She feels no remorse or sadness toward you. This is not in any way a reflection of your worth. Frankly she is not capable of appreciating you for who you are or anyone else for that matter. She only values what others can do for her.

Whatever emotions she happens to be feeling are for herself and the losses she will endure. Do not trust anything she says or suggests even if her intentions seem fair and true, assume there is only an advantage for her. Keep your interests first and foremost and do not yield or compromise in your effort to free yourself from her.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8660178
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 5:35 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

So I will stay here for the time being.

We still have not told her parents. Mine know as of last night. "Good riddance" was my mom's response, which didn't shock me much me because my mom has played nice for all these years and was one of the few who sided with me the first time this happened. My dad has Alzheimers so he spends his days talking to his dead brother Ed and it doesn't register anyway.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8660187
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gemini12 ( New Member #78670) posted at 5:46 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

TWO,

I'm glad everything went the way you hoped it would.

Smolderingdark has made some very good points about what could happen down the road. Stay on guard and stay focused.

In my case I thought the D would progress without any issues or drama and I was very wrong. Once her lawyer gets involved be prepared for anything. I was taken by surprise at how vindictive my ex became even though she was the one who cheated.

Good luck going forward.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8660193
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:47 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

There’s nothing that says you have to discuss this with her father. You’d be wise to ignore and walk away.

He’ll probably come at you to try and protect her. Zero discussion is your best path. You don’t owe him or anyone a thing.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660194
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 5:52 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I recommend you move to the D and S forum.

What you want now is possible guidance to a good divorce.

What you will probably get on JFO possible guidance to revenge, payback and “winning” infidelity. Things that really don’t count IMHO.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8660196
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 5:53 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I want to say that this didn't get out of control because you prepared so well. There were several times when it could have gone off the rails but you kept to your goal and didn't get emotional.

HER: "Oh God."

ME: "No, don't bring Him into it. This had nothing to do with God. We dragged God through this the last time you did this and I won't do it again.

HER: P____ please let me explain, I...."

ME: "No, I am not here for that. I don't want that. Look, I know probably as much about your affair as you would ever be willing to admit to me. I have months of dates and evidence.

I don't think WS realize how different their second affair is for the BS. She probably thought things would go similar to last time and was ready to blame you again. You stopped that right in it's tracks with your... I don't care why and we are not going to bring God into this. You were prepared - she wasn't.

Normally the BS is blindsided.

Anyway good job with your confrontation. It sounds like you've spoken since you know she hasn't told her parents yet. Does it sound like she's accepted the outcome?

Also, I'm so sorry that your son heard about it prior and felt he had to carry it around inside of him. It's weird how the truth always seems to come out.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8660198
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:20 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Good advice on going over to D/s but no reason not to keep posting here for the time being.

Keep staying above the fray like you are and don’t get dragged into needless drama. A lot of us didn’t handle it like you, but of course you’ve been through this once before and now you know better.

While it doesn’t sound like your WW is prone to drama, I would advise continuing to have a VAR with you in your pocket at all times if you’re face to face with her. Also you want to serve before she gets a chance to get equilibrium, not out of spite but so you stay in control here.

Good luck.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8660208
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 6:29 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

You were kind to your wife in that conversation, that was good of you. Big step out of the way there man, good for you for facing this.

You're 'lucky' in this at least, you now have the frame of mind let's just end this, skip all the drama without scores to settle. Hopefully your wife and her bible-bound family will approach this the same way.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8660212
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 6:30 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

TWO - You did good. You did really good.

You are going to be ok in all of this.

But be cautious. Cheaters are skilled at manipulation and lying. I would give her another 24 hours to tell her parents then I would drop the bomb, so you are controlling the narrative.

Anyway cheaters are often shocked and surprised when we say we are done. I know my H was truly dumbfounded, and it was what it took for him to pull his head out of his rump, but our situation was different, and wasn't forced to R based on influences of those around us or our beliefs. We R'd on mutual terms because we wanted to save what we had. Enough about me.... Back to her being shocked, yup. They don't realize that we have equal or better strength to navigate this and when it becomes clear we do, it can be quite a shock.

Do not allow her to manipulate the situation or control the narrative in a way that slanders you.

I'm so sorry your son had that burden. How sad. How difficult for him. I hope this knowledge and truth brings you closer.

(((And Strength)))

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18936   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8660214
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