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Brother,

She has thrown a pebble into the pond and the ripple effect can’t be minimalists but can be controlled a little bit.

Obviously you are not after thermal nuclear ☢️ revenge. Just a mutual splitting. But remember cheating is the most selfish act a cheater can do. It is all about them, their feelings and no other emotions other than theirs.

Totally agree.

DS needs to be told the truth.

He will be. Problem is, he has never known about the first time she cheated. I agreed not to tell him back then because he was just a kid. Stupid I know. So now I have to lay the whole sordid history out in front of him without intentionally trashing my wife in the process. That is not my intent. But he is going to be hurt badly. When it comes down to it he will probably suffer more than anyone in this mess, because he loves his mom and they are very close. It is not my intention to throw a wedge in their relationship, but I want him to know the truth.

Work need to know due to possible harassment claims or miss management of funds or allocation of work to contractors. If there is a hint of favours due to sexual conduct. Then there are legal issues that you can’t cover up.

I get what you are saying, but I'm not going to do that. Any misconduct she may be carrying on will come out in the wash eventually, and she will be held accountable. I need to protect my interests in the divorce. Getting her fired would cost me dearly. I would be on the hook for alimony... for the rest of her life or until she remarries.

Good luck but tell her now. If she has to take a day to get her shit in one sock, so be it.

How many times have you lost sleep or missed out due to stress etc. one day at a time.

Again I get what you are saying. But if I tell her tonight, it could erupt into an all-night argument. I have three big Webex conferences scheduled for tomorrow and I have to be well rested and on my game. I can't afford to go without sleep tonight.

Thumos

I will have to resign from my roles at the church. I am a musician and I also am a construction manager of sorts for an addition the church is doing to one of their buildings. I have been heading that up for over a year now, and I may need to step aside and turn that over to someone. Problem is I am the only competent person the church has to run this project. I am the rep and liaison between the church, the architect and the general contractor. I approve the pay apps, review contracts and change orders, and I deal with the bank escrow officer to get the money to pay the parties. I would be happy to continue doing it but I am not sure the convention would approve of me running it if they find out I am divorcing. I'm not an ordained minister, but I am in the function of an officer of sorts over this project, so that will be something to work through.

I do understand how difficult this. I understand the responsibility you feel.

One answer might be, "Given the Baptist Church's blind eye toward female infidelity the past half century, I cannot subject myself to more blameshifting and imputed guilt for an individual sin carried out as a matter of free will that I bear no responsibility for whatsoever (Hosea notwithstanding and not normative in any sense for any believer, past or present, ever). In fact I am completely opposed to this egregious violation of the marital covenant as a mortal sin and find it a matter of anathema as an article of the One True Faith. I am henceforth withdrawing from my involvement in this particular church, especially considering the familial conflicts of interest, as a matter of Christian conscience and Christian orthodoxy, which I feel I must uphold as a follower of Jesus Christ, and I do hope you are able to secure other resources going forward. I hope you can understand."

Wow that is amazing Thumos. Thank you. If it ever comes to it I will definitely use some of this wording.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 10:53 AM, May 13th (Thursday)]

grubs

That way they are the bad guy. If you resign they can make you the bad guy.

The way I read it is TheWrongOne will be leaving because he doesn't want to deal with their hypocrisy.

That is it in a nutshell.

If it is not already part of your plan, be prepared to tell your son everything shortly after you lay it all out for your wife on Friday.

If they are that close it is very easy to see a situation in which she calls him and spins you as the bad guy. Better to cut that off at the pass, than having to do damage control later.

You don’t need to give your son the gory details. You can simply say that his mom has made some terrible choices and sadly it’s not the first time. Unfortunately you cannot remain married to her any longer but you don’t hate her or wish any ill will towards her. You just cannot live with a wife who continues to cheat.

Outline your plan for the future in terms of co-parenting and visitation arrangements etc. Make sure your son knows he is your top priority.

Regarding telling your son when his mom first cheated, I think you did the right thing by keeping a lid on that. He was too young to understand and you did reconcile. So at that time there wasn’t any reason for him to need to know what transpired.

At dday1 when D seemed imminent I did not want to tell my children about their dad cheating. At dday2 when I was left with no other choice I had no qualms telling my children the truth. Obviously it would be a sanitized version of the truth but nevertheless I was not going to take the blame for any of it.

I’m sorry you are facing this. But your focus on your child shows you are going to do the best you can for him. Not all children of D suffer long term. Some kids do well. My dad’s parents D when he was a young adult. It was better that way.

I am so over this woman. So yesterday she called and said she had to work late. No surprise. Except this time she didn't get home until almost 12:00 a.m. I heard her come in and shower and she slipped into bed and went straight to sleep. When I woke up at 6:30 she was already dressed and gone. I'm thinking she left early because she didn't want to face me this morning.

I'm done. I think deep in her heart she knows I'm done.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 8:14 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

Her behavior is as open as if she said to you, “I am cheating I want out.” So both of you want out. Handle it as smoothly as possible. Don’t let it impact your child. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

I watched a family member deal with this. The cheating happened. Someone told the cheater to tell the spouse or they would. So the cheater told and the spouse said no thank you. They divorced. Not one time did the spouse badmouth the cheater to the children. In fact they work together as a team to make sure that children don’t pay the price. It’s amazing that it can work if parents put aside hostility to work for the good of their children. It’s hard to do when you are in pain so I admire very much the spouse’s reaction.

I'm done. I think deep in her heart she knows I'm done.

Don't let your guard down. She is an independent actor, a human with her own decision algorithm and she is clearly keeping it secret from you. Do not assume that her actions at this point are benign.

She can’t avoid it forever.

Change of plan. I called my wife, acted cheerful and demanded that she meet me at a quiet café we both like this evening at 6:00. We have not been out on a date for over three months. It's a mom and pop joint and we know the owners and staff well. I want to do this in a public setting with people around. It's not that I am afraid of false accusations, I just don't want this to take very long and she is less likely to drag it out if she has people around. I'll probably just drink a cup of coffee, break the news to her and leave. What she does after that I don't really care.

TWO,

Glad to see you are finally confronting her tonight and best of luck. Like you said, she probably knows you are done but may not know you know of her cheating. No reason to prolong the misery.

Sending you strength.

TWO,

I hope this evening goes as smoothly as possible, and that tomorrow is your first day on the path of a life free of infidelity.

Change of plan. I called my wife, acted cheerful and demanded that she meet me at a quiet café we both like this evening at 6:00.

Did she agree to meet you there?. I'm surprised. Based on your previous post she seems to be in panic mode, but I might be misreading her intentions. Did she try to explain her arrival after midnight in the phone call?

I want to do this in a public setting with people around. It's not that I am afraid of false accusations, I just don't want this to take very long and she is less likely to drag it out if she has people around.

Will you be presenting some form of proof about the affair?

I strongly advise you to bring the little recorder with you. This will be an important conversation to record.

I'll probably just drink a cup of coffee, break the news to her and leave. What she does after that I don't really care.

Don't be too surprised if she might not cooperate with your schedule. You don't KNOW if she wants to get caught. You don't KNOW that she's in an exit affair, you only suspect this. SO be prepared in case she makes a big scene about your revelations. Are you going to meet her there directly after work? As in she won't have a chance to go home first?

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:51 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

Hosea notwithstanding and not normative in any sense for any believer, past or present, ever

Thumos.. could you expand on this a little?

Rex

TWO,

The lack of respect she is showing you is mind numbing. I really feel bad for you.

Your plan for tonight sounds good. Remember to tape everything from beginning to end.

The sooner you can get away from her the better your life will be.

We are here for your support.

Hosea notwithstanding and not normative in any sense for any believer, past or present, ever

Thumos.. could you expand on this a little?

Rex

Comes from the book of Hosea in the OT. The prophet Hosea and his wife Gomer. Gomer was a harlet that Hosea was divinely inspired to marry. They had three kids, the later two are considered OC. The family was an allegory of the fall from god's grace of the Israelites.

Change of plan. I called my wife, acted cheerful and demanded that she meet me at a quiet café we both like this evening at 6:00. We have not been out on a date for over three months. It's a mom and pop joint and we know the owners and staff well. I want to do this in a public setting with people around. It's not that I am afraid of false accusations, I just don't want this to take very long and she is less likely to drag it out if she has people around. I'll probably just drink a cup of coffee, break the news to her and leave. What she does after that I don't really care.

Sounds like a great plan, but I would not just tell her and leave, I think it's better that you hear what she has to say if anything, not to entertain the possibility to R, but after so many years together a few more minutes to record her won't hurt much, you could gather more info as to her intentions going forward, especially if you want to try to keep the D process as "amicable" as possible, make sure you tell her you will be fair in the division of assets and that you expect the same from her.

Good luck tonight, you've got this, tell your son and other stakeholders immediately and don't allow her to take control of the narrative, just tell them you are filing for D due to your WW's repeated infidelities, no they don't need all the gory details but make sure you name POSOM. Please let us know how it goes, your experience may help others in your same situation.

I was asked to expand:

The book of Hosea is being used routinely in evangelical settings to try to pressure betrayed husbands into reconciling with a WW. The idea is essentially that Hosea kept taking Gomer back though she was faithless. It's “see look what Hosea did. You should emulate him.”

My point, and the point of many others now fighting back against this kind of nonsense, is that it is bad theology. Actions of the Old Testament prophets are not normative and we are not called to emulate them. Otherwise our society would be a bit of a madhouse and we’d be doing all sorts of extreme and inappropriate things on a regular basis (because that’s many prophets did to shock, surprise, make a point).

There's an unfortunate trend in American evangelicalism to sugarcoat female infidelity and pressure BH’s to rugsweep. There's pressure on BW’s too in these settings but anecdotally it doesn't seem as intense or one sided for whatever reason. I can't account for it and find it baffling but it is there nonetheless.

The use of the book of Hosea to browbeat betrayed Christian husbands is just flat out wrong and I wanted to give OP some armor against that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:55 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

Thumos,

I am glad you wrote that out. I have a feeling this story will be brought up to me shortly also; thank you.

Best of luck this evening TheWrongOne, I’ll be thinking of you, and hope things go as well as they can considering the topic.