Newest Member: Imthecheater

dogcopter

1st D-Day: Nov 2015 Many more D-Days. nth D-Day: Jan 2021

Cell Phones for kids

My wife and I decided that we want the girls to have some cell phones.

Could someone share their experience with the parental control software: what they use? How is it? Can you share the controls with another parent?

I'm a bit overwhelmed at looking at these plans. I have an android and she has an iphone. (incidently, did you know that iphone imessages are untraceable and don't show up on the bill? )

7 comments posted: Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Book Recommendations for helping kids cope with this

Exactly what the title says. I usually go through a book or two every month and I think one of the books I read this month should teach me to help the kids through this moment (Dissolution, I'm moving out, 50/50, two girls 8yo and 10yo)

Any recommendations? I do prefer research based books.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

Told kids... Does it get easier?

Well, today we told the kids. It went as horribly as you would imagine.

I feel like asking for the dissolution and telling the kids is the part that I most dreaded of all of this and now those two things are behind me.

In general, do others fear these parts the most? Does it get better from here on out or are there other things I need to be prepared for?

32 comments posted: Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

Negotiations for Dissolution

Some of you know that I've planned on moving back with my parents who live about 20 minutes away in the next town. It's an easy drive and so I haven't really thought of it as a burden.

For my WW, it is a mortal sin. She keeps using it as a reason to bring up shared custody schemes that are not 50/50. Because it is going to be hell for the kids to spend an extra 15 minutes in the car on the way to school.

I'm about to say "fine, you move out."

What I want to say is "It's your bad behavior that has made it so I only get to see my kids 50% of the time anyway. It's unfair for you to ask anymore of me."

She keeps saying it is because the kids will suffer more. Is there any research that shows spending an extra 30 min (2 trips)in the car 2-3 times a week turns them into deviants?

How do you deal with it when a spouse unfairly latches onto something and won't let go?

[This message edited by dogcopter at 12:46 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

5 comments posted: Friday, May 21st, 2021

Dear Bil, from Bs whose leaving

I am sure similar questions have been asked. I really did want specific answers though.

Problem: I want to write my brother in law an email. I need help deciding if to do it, and what general guidelines should I follow.

Background: My WS cheated... A lot. I asked for divorce like three weeks ago. Her brother is awesome and I'm going to miss him dearly. In the absence of her father, I asked him before proposing. We are good but not super close friends.

Details: My WS is showing that she is probably being nasty about me to her friends and family. It burns me up but really I don't care other than with him.

What I want to do is let him know that I did everything I could... And that in the end I couldn't accept all that infidelity. I'm sorry it came to this, but I did my best.

Has anyone done this? Any advice?

13 comments posted: Sunday, May 9th, 2021

Addiction vs "in sickness and in health"

Ok, I'm reading a book on addiction. My STBXW is an alcoholic and I believe she is also a sex or love addict as well. There have been many instances where I've observed the same alcoholic behavior when I would find out about an affair.

I'm reading about the neutral pathways and how they become configured to only deliver pleasure and happiness when the addicted stimulus is involved.

She's in recovery for alcohol, but not for sex or love addiction. I know leaving is right. This has gone on too long.

But I'm struggling with "in sickness and in health" right now. How do I reconcile leaving an addict with this oath?

24 comments posted: Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Living arrangements / overbearing mother / not enough friends

I started a new post after the last one about landlords. I was angry when I made it because it is very difficult to find apartments with a large dog. I wanted to update you guys. And thank you for your comments.

I made plans to move in my with my parents. They have a large farmhouse with a vacant 2nd floor. They have a dog that gets along famously with my dog and they also have a huge fenced in yard. Logistically, it works out enough that I can slip them some rent and begin working on a downpayment so that I don't have to rent in the traditional sense.

This is perfect except that my mother immediately began trying to control my life again. Yes, I'm sure. Yes, I thought of the kids. Yes, she does seem very nice and it's a shame. My mother loves me and is coming from a good place. But my god, I need to save up quickly for the down-payment.

I'm also coming to the realization that I haven't gotten enough friends... and the friends I do have, I am not close enough to at this stage in my life. I am lonely and I know that comes with the territory... but some of the could be relieved with some good friendship.

26 comments posted: Saturday, May 1st, 2021

Show me your Cognitive Dissonance! Rant, but all are welcome

"You pretended everything was fine and I was blindsided"... in reality, I was sleeping in another room and we haven't been intimate at all for almost a year.

"You asked me to see a specific therapist from a specific list and you are controlling me"... in reality, she had 8 affair partners and I asked her to see a CSAT because she had a problem.

Along the same lines, "Nothing I did was good enough for you because I wasn't going to SA and AA." She stopped drinking but didn't stop sleeping with other men. She had a problem.

"You lied to me and visited a lawyer when you told me you were at work." False equivalence and not the same as lying to go see another man. We already talked about this one but it was fresh in my brain because it was just brought up.

"Are you seeing someone else?" No... just no

"I put my life on hold so you can go to school and further your career. Now I'm fucked!" This one... this one hurts the most. I never asked her to do this. She didn't go back to school because she wasn't motivated to. And it doesn't matter anyway. I didn't ask her to cheat on me with 8 different people! She should have thought about how she would be financially strapped before she fucked them!

I want to thank you for reading my rant if you made it this far. Have a nice day. I feel better already for typing that...

edit: add your own; it's fun

[This message edited by dogcopter at 10:03 PM, April 30th (Friday)]

12 comments posted: Friday, April 30th, 2021

Sexual health

So, I'm at my parents house now (not moved in, just staying here for the weekend). I got up early and walked the dog; it was gorgeous. Physical health, check!

I called my friends and met them at a bar for lunch. Social health, check!

I focused on classwork today, but took frequent breaks and drove around a bit. Mental health, check!

I have not had sex with my stbxw in like a year. I'm thinking about how much that sucks right now... And the thought occurred to me that maybe that was detrimental to my sexual health too.

1. Is sexual health a thing?

2. How important is it?

I remember feeling so empowered after sex, like I could take on the world. I worked out all the time when I was having sex. I don't any more. Have I been neglectful?

Thoughts?

18 comments posted: Saturday, April 24th, 2021

The journey to acceptance

I'm finally doing better. I'm coming to the place of acceptance now. It's a scary and unfamiliar place. It's a sad place where I mourn what could have been. It's a happy place where I look forward to what can be.

It took me five years to come to this place and ask for a dissolution. I now accept that I can't change her. I now accept that she has not offered (with actions) to change herself. And I accept that her current behavior is not acceptable to me.

I had to cross through denial and bargaining to get here. Sometimes I wasn't sure where I was or which I was in... It was very confusing here.

I got very close to the land of anger. Sometimes it's rolling lava bursts lit up the sky in deep red. And I felt the resentment building inside me... Physically felt tension inside my chest and limbs as anger built.

Most of the time, though, I walked through a deep dark trench of depression. I was tempted to curl up and die here. And sometimes I stopped moving. Sometimes I gave up only to change my mind and keep moving.

Around the place of acceptance is a mountain of pain. Every rock is sharp, painful, unforgiving. It's desolate and empty. I looked for months for a way around it, support group, friends, posts on reddit and SI. But in the end I had to walk it alone and there is no avoiding it.

I'm not completely through that, not by a long stretch. But somewhere along the way I crossed the boundary into the place of acceptance. Every step still hurts, but I'm on the far side now I believe. I see small signs of life, things that used to make me happy, they're in color now.

And I wanted to tell you that you can get there too. Nobody can walk it for you, there are no shortcuts. And it will take as long as it takes (despite what anyone tells you) But the journey is finite and you are strong.

You will make it.

[This message edited by dogcopter at 8:49 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

6 comments posted: Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Landlords! Gross

I can't shake an experience I had the other day and I want to vent ask you guys your opinion.

If you aren't familiar with my story, I am leaving my wife as soon as my lawyer tells me it's ok. So I'm looking for a place to stay. I don't like the idea of renting, I'm used to owning, but that is probably what I will have to do.

I went to see a landlord. He asked to meet my German Shepherd. I told him over the phone he takes a minute to warm up to new people and he usually barks at them.

I got out of the car and he barked at the guy, went up and sniffed him and continued to bark for a little bit more.

The guy was like "this isn't going to work, sorry, he's not very well socialized".

He did exactly what I told him the dog would do over the phone!

It is so hard going back to renting after owning my house for 15 years. Especially when power trippy landlords make you jump through hoops to get the apartments.

Am I wrong? What really is the risk to him?

19 comments posted: Tuesday, April 20th, 2021

music that is good for you

Music can have a real impact on your mood. If I want to be happy, I can listen to something upbeat to heal my soul. If I want to be sad, I can listen to piano. It's almost like a switch that can change your mood if you let it.

How have you used music to let things out or help you heal from the infidelity you or someone else committed in your life?

I'll go first.

1. the steady beats and rhythms in Daft Punk's RAM album help me focus.

2. The Division Bell by Pink floyd (coming back to life) helps me let out some of my grief. (It's a weird one I know)

[This message edited by dogcopter at 1:43 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

32 comments posted: Monday, April 19th, 2021

Floating in sadness

I just met with my lawyer and gave her all the documents I need to start a dissolution. We discussed some of the particulars and we are on the same page (lawyer and I). So that's good.

I got back into my car feeling sad; such impossible sadness. I feel I need to cry but I don't remember how anymore. The sadness just soaks through every cell. My limbs and body feel heavy with it.

I'm also calm; much more calm than I have ever been at the prospect of leaving. I feel like this is important to note, but I don't know how or why.

My phone has a message on it from my wife. She saw some spicy nuts at the store that I might like and bought them for me. It's a sweet gesture and I feel sharp stabbing pain when I see it. I remind myself that this is her MO. She is sweet to me but somehow that never stops her infidelity.

The guy I caught her with 5 years ago never fully went away and my marriage ended when I found out that she lied to me this year to meet with him. I think that moment was when it died. I just couldn't accept it.

I need to cry. I need to sob. But I can't. I decide to stream the thoughts to strangers online instead.

I'll need to tell her what I've decided, but not today. Today I'm just going to float here for a bit...

56 comments posted: Monday, April 12th, 2021

How to deal with being a compassionate human being

So the final straw for me has been these last two things.

1. Jan: she lied to me about where she was going and what she was doing to meet her long term affair partner in the parking lot and chat.

2. Feb: I found evidence that another man (not the same one) had said that he loved her. (Nobody does this without some reciprocation beforehand)

There is a long and embarrassing list of prior occurrences. I've been getting things together and starting to fill out the affidavits. I haven't told her yet that I've decided.

Today she tells me she hates everything about herself. She tells me that she hates her mental health issues and that she doesn't know why she does these things.

And again, I feel myself starting to be sucked into her gravity. I feel compassion for her; it looks like she is suffering.

It takes everything in me to stay the course and keep preparing. I have to remind myself that she has treated me badly and I'm sorry that she may be suffering, but I need to get away.

I have to remind myself that I've given her chance after chance after chance to change... for five years!

My empathy even now makes me feel like an ass. Who wouldn't comfort his wife when she is so down on herself?

I can't be alone in this. How have you dealt with this?

16 comments posted: Monday, March 29th, 2021

Update - time to go :(

I'm withdrawing little by little. I'm sleeping in the other room still with no intention of ever going back. I'm starting to gather up my things in the garage under the guise of cleaning the garage. I'm throwing out old or broken shit and putting all my tools into the chests. Things that need done before a move.

I guess I need to get back in touch with my lawyer; start drawing things up again.

I'm gathering up my passwords and marking them as passwords that will need to be changed when the time comes.

I'm checking the kids clothes for their sizes. I've lost track of that over the years, but I will need to know that when I go. I'm setting up communication with the school so that I won't be relying on her for information anymore.

Eventually I will need to tell her that it's over. I can't quite now. I really did think this was forever. But I gave her as many chances as I could (and possibly more). And she never changed her behavior. I think my reluctance to go has been mostly denial about this. I kept thinking "Well, she's not doing it now. Nobody would go back after this." It wasn't true. I wouldn't go back to cheating after getting caught and realizing the pain I've caused, but she would.

This could have a great era in our lives. But she drove over our marriage with a car a dozen or so times, got out and shot it. I kind of hate her for it.

31 comments posted: Thursday, March 18th, 2021

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