You guys are the best. I want to thank you all for your ongoing support. Here are some comments to your posts:
The pain in your reply is clear. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish you hadn't read that post at a time when this is so fresh.
You have to remember the audience over there though. One of the top recent post is a WW saying she is cheating to save her marriage because she loves her BH sooo much. They are criticizing you for not confronting your wife, yet they themselves are lying daily to their own spouses and not confronting their own unhappiness with their spouses. The parts about not revealing to family are ridiculous. If it's not a big deal or it's not wrong, why do they care who knows?
Again, I'm sorry. You have nothing to explain or defend or justify. You don't want to live in a marriage with a cheater. You don't want to cover for her lies with your own to others around you. All of it makes sense. You are acting with integrity.
Thank you. Actually I am not in that much pain. None really. What I feel now is more irritation and resolve. More than anything I am just disappointed in her: as a person, a wife, a fellow Christian... every aspect of her.
Yes there are some seriously confused and hostile people over there on that sub. But what should we expect huh? Our pop culture and mass media have normalized sexual immorality and adultery and made it politically correct and acceptable with today's society -- especially with the millennials.
They are criticizing you for not confronting your wife, yet they themselves are lying daily to their own spouses and not confronting their own unhappiness with their spouses
The cognitive dissonance is strong with them which makes sense since that's a fundamental requirement of Waywards.
Cognitive dissonance. I need to look that up and acquaint myself with that. Thanks. I think they are just blinded by narcissism and sexual greed. They are greedy, avaricious people.
Since I would never get a fair shake on that sub
Of course you wouldn’t. These are people that for the most part celebrate deceit, selfishness and the destruction of others. You’d have to be seriously f’d in the head to get a fair shake with that community.
I make edits, words is hard
You come through clear. I totally agree.
If you meet with her put your phone on the table and turn it on. Tell her you are recording. Then give her the papers, saying what you are doing, and suggest she contact her attorney, then leave. It is all on the up and up because it’s recorded. Make sure your state allows it. You want this to be as smooth as possible.
I admire you. You are not playing games with her head. You are being concise in your plans.
I hope you stay in touch here. You have much to teach newbies.
Thank you. I am currently making preparations to make sure I am as secure as possible when I sit down with her.
I need to make everyone aware that this is not going to be a confrontation. This is simply a quick sit down to tell her that I know she is having an affair, that I have physical proof from a P.I., that she will be served a divorce petition next week, that I will be moving out of our bedroom into the downstairs floor, and that our marriage is over. I am not going to question her, argue with her or put up with any nonsense from her. If she gets angry or combative I will simply get up and walk out and get in my car and leave.
I already know all I need to know. To aske her questions is pointless. Her "whys" do no matter to me. The marital contract has been violated and is null and void. All I will get from here is obfuscation if I allow her to hem and haw.
Afterwards I begin a hard 180. (Yes I have read up on The 180 and have already been practicing it for a while).
There are a lot of seriously pissed off people over there.
Fuck those losers
They basically started hammering me with Bible quotes, telling me how I should completely forgive her and work towards reconciliation, which basically meant that I had to go back and do a forensic investigation on my own spiritual leadership of the marriage and where I failed to “lead” her properly. I will not bore all of you or go on and on about this. It is difficult trying to explain to people who were not raised in the Evangelical tradition how this false doctrine has permeated the Southern Baptist theology over the past fifty years, but it is still very prevalent and widespread and some situations has gotten worse nowadays.
Unfortunately this is really common. I think it's difficult for those who haven't been exposed to it to understand just how badly the church is covering for female infidelity now.
TheWrongOne, fortunately you will find most women here on SI (both BW's and WW's) will never excuse or condone female infidelity. You're in good company here. Stay here, stay frosty and keep moving forward with your plan.
So we are both to blame in a way.
Well, no. There's one person to blame here. Do not take one iota of blame. Do not allow blameshifting. There's a formulation here on SI that goes, "50 percent of problems in a marriage are shared equally, 100 person of the blame for the adultery is on the wayward spouse."
Only, really, even that's not true in many cases. In many, many cases of infidelity there's a poison at the heart of marriages and deficiencies caused by the wayward spouse -- even before infidelity happened. And it's increasingly the case that infidelity seems to be happening in what should be and are arguably good marriages. Even adultery apologists agree this is the case.
Thanks Thumos. By blame, I think what I meant was, for the last five years at least, I don't think she and I have been feeling it, but we just never really talked about it, and I think the reason we never talked about it is that we have both just run out of steam for this marriage. I think after the first affair, we both did what others told us to do, instead of doing what was right. That is why we are in this mess now. I should have followed my gut and divorced her as I wanted to back then, but I let others steer me wrong. I should have been stronger and wiser. She should have dug deeper within herself and worked towards true repentance and remorse. None of that ever happened.
And for what it is worth, I don't care if my wife finds that Reddit post. I get the feeling she knows I am on to her.
Hi, Wronged One. For starters, I'm a little creeped out that we have "lurkers" on SI.com that routinely report back to the Adultery Reddit sub. I'm not sure what the point of that activity would be but it's very shady. I do sometimes scan that sub for some insight into a mindset I don't share, and a more smug, set in their viewpoints group of individuals you'd never meet. Or care to.
Regardless of Reddit lurkers I wouldn't think your wife would be frequenting /adultery, but that's only based on what you've described her as. I realize you can never really know the person you're married to. I just think it's a giant leap to go from some "religious Subreddits" to /adultery.
I don't think she is on that sub. Most of her reading is done on religious and self-help threads and a thread she follows on the British royals, with whom she has an obsessive fascination I have never understood. LOL!
You don't have to justify your actions to anyone here or on any other forum.
You have to do what is best for you.
It sounds like you have a good plan. Stay focused and continue moving forward.
You got this.
Thank you. I hope I have it. Now I just have to follow through.