SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You guys are the best. I want to thank you all for your ongoing support. Here are some comments to your posts:

humantrampoline

TheWrongOne,

The pain in your reply is clear. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish you hadn't read that post at a time when this is so fresh.

You have to remember the audience over there though. One of the top recent post is a WW saying she is cheating to save her marriage because she loves her BH sooo much. They are criticizing you for not confronting your wife, yet they themselves are lying daily to their own spouses and not confronting their own unhappiness with their spouses. The parts about not revealing to family are ridiculous. If it's not a big deal or it's not wrong, why do they care who knows?

Again, I'm sorry. You have nothing to explain or defend or justify. You don't want to live in a marriage with a cheater. You don't want to cover for her lies with your own to others around you. All of it makes sense. You are acting with integrity.

Thank you. Actually I am not in that much pain. None really. What I feel now is more irritation and resolve. More than anything I am just disappointed in her: as a person, a wife, a fellow Christian... every aspect of her.

Yes there are some seriously confused and hostile people over there on that sub. But what should we expect huh? Our pop culture and mass media have normalized sexual immorality and adultery and made it politically correct and acceptable with today's society -- especially with the millennials.

grubs

They are criticizing you for not confronting your wife, yet they themselves are lying daily to their own spouses and not confronting their own unhappiness with their spouses

The cognitive dissonance is strong with them which makes sense since that's a fundamental requirement of Waywards.

Cognitive dissonance. I need to look that up and acquaint myself with that. Thanks. I think they are just blinded by narcissism and sexual greed. They are greedy, avaricious people.

asc1226

Since I would never get a fair shake on that sub

Of course you wouldn’t. These are people that for the most part celebrate deceit, selfishness and the destruction of others. You’d have to be seriously f’d in the head to get a fair shake with that community.

I make edits, words is hard

You come through clear. I totally agree.

Cooley2here

If you meet with her put your phone on the table and turn it on. Tell her you are recording. Then give her the papers, saying what you are doing, and suggest she contact her attorney, then leave. It is all on the up and up because it’s recorded. Make sure your state allows it. You want this to be as smooth as possible.

I admire you. You are not playing games with her head. You are being concise in your plans.

I hope you stay in touch here. You have much to teach newbies.

Thank you. I am currently making preparations to make sure I am as secure as possible when I sit down with her.

I need to make everyone aware that this is not going to be a confrontation. This is simply a quick sit down to tell her that I know she is having an affair, that I have physical proof from a P.I., that she will be served a divorce petition next week, that I will be moving out of our bedroom into the downstairs floor, and that our marriage is over. I am not going to question her, argue with her or put up with any nonsense from her. If she gets angry or combative I will simply get up and walk out and get in my car and leave.

I already know all I need to know. To aske her questions is pointless. Her "whys" do no matter to me. The marital contract has been violated and is null and void. All I will get from here is obfuscation if I allow her to hem and haw.

Afterwards I begin a hard 180. (Yes I have read up on The 180 and have already been practicing it for a while).

HouseOfPlane

There are a lot of seriously pissed off people over there.

Fuck those losers

Yes.

Thumos

They basically started hammering me with Bible quotes, telling me how I should completely forgive her and work towards reconciliation, which basically meant that I had to go back and do a forensic investigation on my own spiritual leadership of the marriage and where I failed to “lead” her properly. I will not bore all of you or go on and on about this. It is difficult trying to explain to people who were not raised in the Evangelical tradition how this false doctrine has permeated the Southern Baptist theology over the past fifty years, but it is still very prevalent and widespread and some situations has gotten worse nowadays.

Unfortunately this is really common. I think it's difficult for those who haven't been exposed to it to understand just how badly the church is covering for female infidelity now.

TheWrongOne, fortunately you will find most women here on SI (both BW's and WW's) will never excuse or condone female infidelity. You're in good company here. Stay here, stay frosty and keep moving forward with your plan.

So we are both to blame in a way.

Well, no. There's one person to blame here. Do not take one iota of blame. Do not allow blameshifting. There's a formulation here on SI that goes, "50 percent of problems in a marriage are shared equally, 100 person of the blame for the adultery is on the wayward spouse."

Only, really, even that's not true in many cases. In many, many cases of infidelity there's a poison at the heart of marriages and deficiencies caused by the wayward spouse -- even before infidelity happened. And it's increasingly the case that infidelity seems to be happening in what should be and are arguably good marriages. Even adultery apologists agree this is the case.

Thanks Thumos. By blame, I think what I meant was, for the last five years at least, I don't think she and I have been feeling it, but we just never really talked about it, and I think the reason we never talked about it is that we have both just run out of steam for this marriage. I think after the first affair, we both did what others told us to do, instead of doing what was right. That is why we are in this mess now. I should have followed my gut and divorced her as I wanted to back then, but I let others steer me wrong. I should have been stronger and wiser. She should have dug deeper within herself and worked towards true repentance and remorse. None of that ever happened.

KingofNothing

And for what it is worth, I don't care if my wife finds that Reddit post. I get the feeling she knows I am on to her.

Hi, Wronged One. For starters, I'm a little creeped out that we have "lurkers" on SI.com that routinely report back to the Adultery Reddit sub. I'm not sure what the point of that activity would be but it's very shady. I do sometimes scan that sub for some insight into a mindset I don't share, and a more smug, set in their viewpoints group of individuals you'd never meet. Or care to.

Regardless of Reddit lurkers I wouldn't think your wife would be frequenting /adultery, but that's only based on what you've described her as. I realize you can never really know the person you're married to. I just think it's a giant leap to go from some "religious Subreddits" to /adultery.

I don't think she is on that sub. Most of her reading is done on religious and self-help threads and a thread she follows on the British royals, with whom she has an obsessive fascination I have never understood. LOL!

Gemini12

TWO,

You don't have to justify your actions to anyone here or on any other forum.

You have to do what is best for you.

It sounds like you have a good plan. Stay focused and continue moving forward.

You got this.

Thank you. I hope I have it. Now I just have to follow through.

TheWrongOne, you have a solid plan, you seem to be making these decisions without emotions messing with your head, of course, there are tons of emotions relating to infidelity, but I commend you for you decisive actions.

Last thought on the Reddit sub, just remember, many posters there celebrate sneaking out and screwing their AP’s for 10 minutes in a car in a Target parking lot, that says a lot!

I am almost frightened at my own disconnect. I know my wife is actively having a sexual and emotional affair with a friend we have known for years. Most husbands would be breathing fire wanting to murder the guy. I know they are having weekly, if not daily, meetups. I suspect this because she doesn't appear to be in any way sexually attracted to me anymore, nor is she affectionate in any way. But then I have not been affectionate towards her either, so...

I just simply don't give a damn.

That's probably an outgrowth of rugsweeping her ur-infidelity and then limping along in what eventually became the dreaded "plain of lethal flatness" for you.

The good news is this makes you relatively calmer in dealing with it this time and seeing your way forward.

TWO,

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I looked at the Reddit thread. It was like a trip into Bizarro World, where all human values are reversed.

You cannot take the views of those people seriously. The most damning indictment of your qualities as a man or a human being would be for those people to like you and approve of you. The biggest compliment you can receive is earning their disapproval, and you should feel pleased and vindicated by how much a group of people who are so sickeningly proud of their capacity to deceive and betray are expressing their 'moral' outrage, while simultaneously abusing people who trust them.

That forum belongs on the dark net, where so many other abusive people who spend their lives hiding from the light live. They would find a lot of kindred spirits there.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:24 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

You have a solid plan on yiur next steps and I think you are doing everything in the best manner.

I too had an exit plan or plan B. I hoped I would not have had to use it but at six months from dday1 there was dday2. False reconciliation and the affair resumed a few weeks after it “ended”. I too was left with no choice.

So I looked my H in the eye and very calmly said three sentences. Basically I told him “I’m D you b/c I have no other choice. I have nothing left to give to this marriage. You are free to go and be with the OW or anyone rose you choose”.

And I left the room. There was no discussion and I didn’t care what he had to say.

I hope you just settle the issues of the D quickly so you can move on. It’s time to start living a better happier life and you deserve better than this.

It’s too bad for your child but it can still be a good relationship with both parents. As long as your STBXW is respectful and doesn’t try to trash you. I hope she can at least do that.

I am almost frightened at my own disconnect. I know my wife is actively having a sexual and emotional affair with a friend we have known for years. Most husbands would be breathing fire wanting to murder the guy. I know they are having weekly, if not daily, meetups. I suspect this because she doesn't appear to be in any way sexually attracted to me anymore, nor is she affectionate in any way. But then I have not been affectionate towards her either, so...

I just simply don't give a damn.

The opposite of love is not hate. It’s ambivalence. It’s what happens when you just don’t care anymore.

When it’s done, it’s done.

Better days are ahead for you, chin up.

You have a perfect plan, just stick with it. Sometimes those who come here seem very determined at first, but can get confused after confronting the WS. You don't seem like you are going to give up, but I wanted to point out anyway. Whatever the reaction of WW or his father, don't take them seriously, just stick with your plan and stay with us for support.

By the way, don't bother about the idiots on that reddit thread, it was enough to read a few sentences to make me disgust them. You do not have to prove anything to them, to your WW, to your FIL, or to the religious community there. They stole your years with their bigotry.

Thanks everyone. Right now it is a waiting game until Friday. I spoke with my lawyer just a few minutes ago and we went over some last minute adds to the petition. He says he should have it ready to go by next Tuesday. Then it will take three days for service so she should get served next Friday if all goes well.

One nagging thought is around the same time I tell my wife of my plan going forward, and notifying her parents, I will have to resign from my roles at the church. I am a musician and I also am a construction manager of sorts for an addition the church is doing to one of their buildings. I have been heading that up for over a year now, and I may need to step aside and turn that over to someone. Problem is I am the only competent person the church has to run this project. I am the rep and liaison between the church, the architect and the general contractor. I approve the pay apps, review contracts and change orders, and I deal with the bank escrow officer to get the money to pay the parties. I would be happy to continue doing it but I am not sure the convention would approve of me running it if they find out I am divorcing. I'm not an ordained minister, but I am in the function of an officer of sorts over this project, so that will be something to work through.

Cheaters have no conception of the ripple effect their actions have. There is a small part of me that really hopes my wife catches hell for all she has done.

That church has been a major contributor of grief in your past. I simply don't understand what you think you owe them.

You are a professional and you feel a commitment to complete a job you started despite your personal situation. That is admirable. You could make the offer to the church for you to complete the project despite leaving the church, citing the necessary work you are doing to complete the project, and the church can choose to accept your offer or not having been presented with likely ramifications of ending your role. At least you tried.

I will have to resign from my roles at the church.

TheWrongOne

WHY? It seems to me that you don’t have a problem staying with your church and continuing in your various roles. The church is the one that might have a problem with you.

Make them take the responsibility and consequences of kicking you out.

That way they are the bad guy. If you resign they can make you the bad guy.

“The addition to the church is a disaster because TheWrongOne quit.”

vs.

“The addition to the church is a disaster because we fired TheWrongOne.”

Make them kick you out. DO NOT resign.

[This message edited by Michigan at 7:14 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

I would put my divorce on the church. My wife cheated and I followed what the church said and stayed with her. Now she cheated again. Is the church in favor of open marriages? Your words say no but your actions say yes.

Again you're handling this situation great, I know to you it may not be a confrontation but it will likely be one for her, I doubt she will simply "take it" and remain silent, again make sure you record it just in case, I like your "acceptance" frame of mind ahead of the sit down, however in the event she goes ballistic just call a friend or go to a hotel or Airbnb for a couple of days until things cool down a bit, especially if she or her father calls the church cavalry in a desperate attempt to save her reputation, we had a recent poster that experienced just that after he discovered his WW had a 2 year LTA with one of her/his clients.

On another note, don't worry about that Reddit forum, nothing but hypocrites and losers there, just know that you don't owe anyone anything, like I said before, keep the eye on the ball and follow your lawyer's advice, you've got this, as a reminder don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs just in case, some could remain dormant for years, hopefully you're clean but if not, typically the earlier you know the better.

That way they are the bad guy. If you resign they can make you the bad guy.

The way I read it is TheWrongOne will be leaving because he doesn't want to deal with their hypocrisy.

I will have to resign from my roles at the church. I am a musician and I also am a construction manager of sorts for an addition the church is doing to one of their buildings. I have been heading that up for over a year now, and I may need to step aside and turn that over to someone. Problem is I am the only competent person the church has to run this project. I am the rep and liaison between the church, the architect and the general contractor. I approve the pay apps, review contracts and change orders, and I deal with the bank escrow officer to get the money to pay the parties. I would be happy to continue doing it but I am not sure the convention would approve of me running it if they find out I am divorcing. I'm not an ordained minister, but I am in the function of an officer of sorts over this project, so that will be something to work through.

I do understand how difficult this. I understand the responsibility you feel.

One answer might be, "Given the Baptist Church's blind eye toward female infidelity the past half century, I cannot subject myself to more blameshifting and imputed guilt for an individual sin carried out as a matter of free will that I bear no responsibility for whatsoever (Hosea notwithstanding and not normative in any sense for any believer, past or present, ever). In fact I am completely opposed to this egregious violation of the marital covenant as a mortal sin and find it a matter of anathema as an article of the One True Faith. I am henceforth withdrawing from my involvement in this particular church, especially considering the familial conflicts of interest, as a matter of Christian conscience and Christian orthodoxy, which I feel I must uphold as a follower of Jesus Christ, and I do hope you are able to secure other resources going forward. I hope you can understand."

[This message edited by Thumos at 8:53 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

Make them kick you out. DO NOT resign.

Why in the world would he want to? I mean, that's his business of course but I don't see what he gains staying in a church he hold scant regard for by his own admission. He clearly doesn't align himself with their views on female adultery. Why even bother putting up with that pain? Surely any money they pay him can't be worth that.

Brother,

She has thrown a pebble into the pond and the ripple effect can’t be minimalists but can be controlled a little bit.

Obviously you are not after thermal nuclear ☢️ revenge. Just a mutual splitting.

But remember cheating is the most selfish act a cheater can do. It is all about them, their feelings and no other emotions other than theirs.

DS needs to be told the truth. Work need to know due to possible harassment claims or miss management of funds or allocation of work to contractors. If there is a hint of favours due to sexual conduct. Then there are legal issues that you can’t cover up.

Good luck but tell her now. If she has to take a day to get her shit in one sock, so be it.

How many times have you lost sleep or missed out due to stress etc.

one day at a time.

KingofNothing

That church has been a major contributor of grief in your past. I simply don't understand what you think you owe them.

Fair point. I would qualify what you said by saying that it was the leadership and my FIL who caused my life grief back fifteen years ago. However, I have good friends at my church, men and women who have become like family to me. Some of these male friends supported me and told me I should have left my wife back when it happened the first time, and these are the most straight up Christian guys you would ever meet. But when you are the son in law of the head preacher...

And as for the construction project? I birthed this thing and took it all the way from design through financing through the bidding process through contracting. I stake my professional reputation on finishing my projects successfully, even when I am doing them for no fee. Even if I hand the project off to someone else, I will be operating behind the scenes.

Fair point. I would qualify what you said by saying that it was the leadership and my FIL who

caused my life grief back fifteen years ago. However, I have good friends at my church, men and women who have become like family to me. Some of these male friends supported me and told me I should have left my wife back when it happened the first time, and these are the most straight up Christian guys you would ever meet. But when you are the son in law of the head preacher...

Yikes. I understand the distinction. My experience was somewhat similar, in that my wife played the pity card and sought religious counseling with a priest she had gone through RCIA instruction with, and he got together the big Catholic Marriage encounter ambush for me. I was fortunate in that I didn't get the same blame or assumption of guilt because "I allowed" my wife to stray. I did, however, get shamed into intense counseling sessions which were meant to be spiritual in nature. I called it praying the cheating away. Like you, I tried, but there was obvious systemic problems that weren't going to be fixed by this approach. I was fortunate that I could shut it down and focus on real, practical challenges of separation.

With that said, I may have moved churches but I still am a Knight of Columbus at the old Church. I went to Lenten supper there during Lent. I still have friends there. I wasn't going to let the divorce ruin my community. I totally get that.

And as for the construction project? I birthed this thing and took it all the way from design through financing through the bidding process through contracting. I stake my professional reputation on finishing my projects successfully, even when I am doing them for no fee. Even if I hand the project off to someone else, I will be operating behind the scenes.

That puts things into focus, thanks. All we have to sell in this world is our integrity and our knowledge.

Rex