So, I spent three hours in my attorney's office yesterday getting the info drafted into a petition. My attorney recommends that I go for half equity on the house and lifetime alimony from her. He says we need to ask high and then we can haggle down to a reasonable agreement she and I can both live with. He's not sure about me waiving alimony for her share of the house proceeds. He is concerned that property values could tank before we sold it and then I would be screwed. I offered to not touch her retirement and she is not to touch mine.
Unless there is an overriding tactical reason not to tell your wife, go ahead and do it. Check with your attorney first. You are going to serve her very soon so I don't see the need to keep it a secret any longer. But, again, check with your attorney just in case there is a compelling reason not to do so.
Finally, do not let ANYONE derail you from what has to be done. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't dump her. I speak from experience. Good luck and godspeed.
Yes I am most likely going to tell her this Friday. My attorney says it shouldn't matter one way or another. For me, I don't want to do it on a weeknight as she needs to be in a proper frame of mind for work. Telling her Friday will give her the weekend to absorb and get her mind together. The petition most likely will not be ready for service until next week anyways.
I agree with the others, it must be excruciating for you to keep this facade while your inner feelings consume you. Like others mentioned she's going to be served soon anyway, so if your attorney gives you the green light, just sit her down and tell her, brace yourself for all kinds of blameshifting, lovebombing, etc., it doesn't matter much anymore, keep the eye on the ball, that is to dump this proven serial cheater and liar and get out of infidelity, let us know how it goes so that you can receive feedback from those who have been through similar situations.
I honestly don't think she will react that way. The only begging she will be doing is begging me not to tell her family and friends about her cheating. She cares about her reputation, she does not care about me or the marriage.
I hope the meeting with your attorney goes well.
I'm in a different boat here as far as telling the WW. If there is a strategic reason not to tell her, than you should hold off. Get your ducks all lined up before you let her know. That means all the accounts, insurance.... that you haven't already done so lined up. Important paperwork that you feel she might want to take a peep out, get that secured. I know the other OBS put her files in their office and the AP took all of it. Don't let a few days/a week of discomfort ruin your plans. If you have to, say you're having some stress at work, taking a few days off and stay at a hotel or buddies house.
Lastly, you didn't want to involve your son since he's off at school, but he deserves to know imho before the WW does. You don't want the WW to be the one to let him in on the divorce. Prior to your WW getting served, I would have a one on one with your son, and let him know exactly what is happening. He is an adult, and you can feel free to share that you and your WW are getting a divorce and the simple reason why without going into gory details. When he comes back for summer, you can have a deeper conversation about all your reasonings, but he does deserve to know.
Oh believe me I have a very organized binder of documents that will be attached to the agreement for her to review. We prepared the heck out of this thing. And I have all the surveillance info from the P.I. for her to review. As for my son, he is taking his finals over these next two weeks, so I am not going to tell him until he gets home at the end of next week. He needs to concentrate on passing his exams.
Wishing you get good info today and then you get a plan in place.
Just remember even though you have chosen your clear path it will still hurt and you will need to grieve the loss of the M and heal yourself. While the D gets you out of infidelity it isn't a magic wand to make all the shi just go away.
Thank you so much tushnurse. Actually I am at peace with everything and not sad at all. Sunday was difficult because I don't like faking happiness. But today I am filled with hope and resolve. This is, I am sure, the best direction for my wife and I. We are both miserable, and despite her deeply flawed character, my wife doesn't deserve a life of ongoing misery married to a man who no longer loves her as a husband should. No one deserves that.
You should have the filing. If you just give it to her, of have it served to her at your home then there isn't much wiggle room. If you just tell her she'll try to manipulate you into treating it like a conversation.
HAVE A RECORDING DEVICE ON AT ALL TIMES.
That is good stuff. Thank you. My intent is to tell her Friday that I know of the affair, and that I want an equitable and undramatic divorce. In my state the petition must be served third party. So I think what I will do is have her served at some pre-arranged location away from her workplace next week, maybe during her lunchbreak.
My wife is not a dramatic person. I don't see her flipping out or causing a scene or doing any begging or wailing. I am pretty sure I can talk her into getting this done as amicably as possible.
[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 8:40 AM, May 11th (Tuesday)]