Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

I did a quick google search on Baptists and adultery and high on the result page is a relatively respected and acknowledged Baptist site that shows a survey on Baptist pastors views on divorce. If that survey is to be believed then 39% American says divorce is a sin if caused by infidelity, whereas only 32% of Baptist pastors. In other words: 2/3 of Baptist pastors do not think divorcing due to infidelity is wrong…

Will you be pressured into remaining married? Probably. There will be voices that ask you if you have done all you can, if you are jumping the gun, is it really an affair or are they just friends and so on. But at the end of the day it’s your decision and you only need to justify it to yourself.

That is interesting Bigger. Thanks. As for my experience, you have to understand that my wife and I have attended her dad's church the entirety of our marriage. Her dad and the convention that oversees that church hold ministers to a very high standard. If an ordained minister who works for the convention is cheated on by his wife, or has a wife who continually engages in debauchery, they hold him responsible for her bad behavior, because from what I understand he is considered to be the high priest of his family and as a leader in the church he cannot allow her to remain in sin. So, a pastor or ordained minister can be removed from his job if he cannot get his wife under control. That is what I understand the policy to be in a nutshell. Mind you... I was not and am not ordained, so really this didn't apply to me.

My wife's father abides by this rule, so the first time she cheated all those years ago, I was brought in and sat down and told that it was my duty as a Christian husband to forgive my wife (even though at that point she had not asked for my forgiveness nor shown any effort towards repentance) and to do a lot of praying and reading the Bible to try to figure out where I failed in being her spiritual leader, and then take steps to fix my issues. My wife wasn't really admonished to do anything to fix herself really. It was one sided and I fell for it. Over the years I have grown cold towards the church and now I am pretty much an independently minded Christion.

And I want to apologize if it seems I am lumping all Baptists and evengelical churches together under this ridiculous doctrine. That is not my intent. I know not organizations all follow this doctrine, but many, many do and some of them are the biggest most influential churches in America.

As it stands, I am dead set on divorce and I will not let our families, her dad or anyone from our church dissuade me from leaving her.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 12:35 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8657692
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 8:12 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

TheWrongOne-

I think you are too quick to let her off the hook on alimony. Even if you don't want it, you should use that as leverage as someone else said.

Use it to get her to take less from your retirement accounts, or use it to reduce the amount you pay her out for the equity in your house. You lose nothing by letting your attorney negotiate for you. Don't be cavalier here. You or your son can get ill, and money could become an issue for you in the future. You helped your WW the whole time she sought her MBA, and you are owed some of those benefits.

This situation always goes the other way around here on these boards, cheating wives get alimony and walk away with a ton of money, never seeming to get punished. This is not punishment per say for her, but what is entitled to you through a court of law. Maybe you use that money for a nice vacation each year for you and your son to bond, or to help him with a down payment on his house. Don't be so quick to dismiss it.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8657729
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WalkingHome ( Member #72857) posted at 8:16 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

Have her served at work. Prior to, separate all accounts and bills. Gather your important belongings and put them in a storage locker. Take any guns you own, to a gunsmith for "cleaning" and leave them there until it is done.

You own you. Don't let any of them boss you.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8657731
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 9:05 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

Halftime I promise I will discuss all the issues regarding alimony with my lawyer to see what options he recommends. I like the idea of using any alimony as a bargaining chip to get the equity on the house, etc. I know our house has just about doubled in value since we bought it, so I am definitely not going to rush into any decisions.

WalkingHome I appreciate that you are feeling angry on my behalf, but I am not serving her at work. I have no desire to expose her there and risk her getting fired. I am going to see if there is a way I can serve her myself and have her sign an affidavit or something verifying service. I don't know what is allowed in my state or not allowed, but that is one of the questions I have for my attorney on Monday. As to your other recommendations: those are good ideas.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 3:07 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8657748
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Michigan ( Member #58005) posted at 1:09 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

If I expose now word might get back to her employer and I don't want her getting fired. I made the stupid mistake of marrying and living in a state where alimony is mandatory, so if she gets fired then I'm on the hook.

TheWrongOne

It's a very smart of you to consider this. You want her to keep her job.

Should I wait until after the divorce is final to expose her to our families and the other guy's wife?

TheWrongOne

YES. Use it as leverage until the divorce is final. She will want to save as much of her reputation as she can. The OM will not want his wife to know. Do not make any promise not to tell anyone. Just leave that unsaid.

You don’t want to say “give me good terms for the divorce or I will expose you” because that’s blackmail.

Basically you’re unsure about what you’re going to do in that regard. You’re just not in the mood right now to do it.

That way during divorce negotiations your wife (and her boyfriend) will want to keep you happy and not unnecessarily piss you off.

After the divorce is final you can do wherever you want.

P.S. Make sure your proof is rock solid.

[This message edited by Michigan at 7:15 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

posts: 579   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8657804
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Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 1:55 PM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

When your ww's father use the religion card on you say it's your Christian duty. Did you tell him is it not my ww's Christian duty to not cheat and stay faithful?

[This message edited by Tempocontour at 9:42 PM, May 9th (Sunday)]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8657845
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 6:48 PM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

I'm not letting him blame me for his daughter's Poor choices.

If it comes down to the blame game, blame Mr. Preacher man for the way he raised her. That will give him something to stew about.

Sorry for your marriage, man.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8657877
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:30 PM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

The FIL was only covering up so HE would not be shamed fir having a daughter who was dishonorable etc.

Based on what you have posted here, it is sad that any person who is a religious leader would say something so demeaning. Where is the Christianity in that position?

He basically said “suck it up buttercup b/c it’s your fault”.

Show me where it says in the Bible it says you are required to stay married to a cheating spouse. It doesn’t. That is my point.

I’m glad to see that this time around you are seeing things differently. You deserve better.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8657882
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 7:56 PM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

If you in home separate, steel yourself for your wife dating other men while living with you. Being married and dating others is a lifestyle for her, a fascinating theological topic to discuss with her Baptist family.

Getting her to move out would be ideal. Hell, sell her on the love nest she could establish elsewhere.

Dating other women? Do it, none of us are getting any younger. Move on and live well.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8657885
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 2:25 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Going to church yesterday with my wayward wife and having to kiss her butt all day for Mother's Day was just about more than I could handle. I really started to get mad after the service when the church had a big potluck. "Why am I doing this?" I asked myself, and I didn't have a good answer.

I sort of shut down and just stayed to myself. Yesterday was the first time I really felt anger since finding out about her current affair, but I did the best I could to just suck it up. I eventually went into the back kitchen, donned an apron and helped with washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen... anything to get me away from my wife and her fake friends and family. I have grown to loathe this church and my in-laws, which I guess they don't really deserve.

Some people caught wind of my vibes and were asking me if I was okay. I play bass in our church's praise team and the music director even came by and said that I didn't seem like myself. Then my FIL came over and asked me if there was something wrong and I just gave him a fake smile and told him "no". I wanted to ask him how he and his pious wife were able to raise such a slut as his daughter, but I kept that thought buried. The rest of the day and evening I stayed to myself while my wife watched Netflix. At one point she came over and tried to initiate intimacy with me and I just told her I wasn't feeling well. She got mad and sort of huffed off. It has been two months since we have had sex and she is frustrated with me. Well, she can go pound sand. She spent the rest of the evening texting. I am sure it was the other man she was texting with and I could imagine the crap she is telling him about me.

I cannot wait until this afternoon when I get to see my lawyer and provide him with the remainder of the documents he needs to put together the divorce petition. I have a lot of questions for him. I cannot wait to get this divorce over and done with so I can move on with my life and put this cheating woman behind me for good.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 8:27 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8658148
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 3:24 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Why am I doing this?" I asked myself, and I didn't have a good answer.

Because it’s the quickest way out. Do you know how long it will be until you can have her served?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8658172
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 4:13 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

I don’t think he was asking: “Why am I getting divorced?” I interpreted it as: “Why am I sitting in this church playing happy marriage with this lying cheater and her family?”

I know it is eating away at you, but everything in it’s time. Take care of you. Focus on the positives and the steps you are taking to get out of infidelity. Exercise and enjoy any healthy distractions you can.

Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8658192
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:27 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

I don’t think he was asking: “Why am I getting divorced?” I interpreted it as: “Why am I sitting in this church playing happy marriage with this lying cheater and her family?”

That’s how I interpreted it also. Same answer.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8658204
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 5:38 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Sunday didn't sound like much fun. If your situation drags out to next Sunday, you might need a splitting headache or something like you want to go on a hike to commune with God.

You're your own man, why put up with that again?

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8658228
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 8:23 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

I'm thinking I may just go ahead and tell her I'm filing and that I know of her affair before I have the petition in hand. I'm anxious and that anxiety is beginning to cause me problems with my work performance and overall mood. I'm not so much angry as I am impatient. I'll wait and see what my lawyer has in store. Heading over to his office now.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8658274
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Unless there is an overriding tactical reason not to tell your wife, go ahead and do it. Check with your attorney first. You are going to serve her very soon so I don't see the need to keep it a secret any longer. But, again, check with your attorney just in case there is a compelling reason not to do so.

Finally, do not let ANYONE derail you from what has to be done. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't dump her. I speak from experience. Good luck and godspeed.

posts: 413   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8658279
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 9:32 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

I agree with the others, it must be excruciating for you to keep this facade while your inner feelings consume you. Like others mentioned she's going to be served soon anyway, so if your attorney gives you the green light, just sit her down and tell her, brace yourself for all kinds of blameshifting, lovebombing, etc., it doesn't matter much anymore, keep the eye on the ball, that is to dump this proven serial cheater and liar and get out of infidelity, let us know how it goes so that you can receive feedback from those who have been through similar situations.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8658292
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 10:00 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

I hope the meeting with your attorney goes well.

I'm in a different boat here as far as telling the WW. If there is a strategic reason not to tell her, than you should hold off. Get your ducks all lined up before you let her know. That means all the accounts, insurance.... that you haven't already done so lined up. Important paperwork that you feel she might want to take a peep out, get that secured. I know the other OBS put her files in their office and the AP took all of it. DOn't let a few days/a week of discomfort ruin your plans. If you have to, say you're having some stress at work, taking a few days off and stay at a hotel or buddies house.

Lastly, you didn't want to involve your son since he's off at school, but he deserves to know imho before the WW does. You don't want the WW to be the one to let him in on the divorce. Prior to your WW getting served, I would have a one on one with your son, and let him know exactly what is happening. He is an adult, and you can feel free to share that you and your WW are getting a divorce and the simple reason why without going into gory details. When he comes back for summer, you can have a deeper conversation about all your reasonings, but he does deserve to know.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Wishing you get good info today and then you get a plan in place.

Just remember even though you have chosen your clear path it will still hurt and you will need to grieve the loss of the M and heal yourself. While the D gets you out of infidelity it isn't a magic wand to make all the shi just go away.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18935   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8658304
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

You should have the filing. If you just give it to her, of have it served to her at your home then there isn't much wiggle room. If you just tell her she'll try to manipulate you into treating it like a conversation.

HAVE A RECORDING DEVICE ON AT ALL TIMES.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8658306
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