Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Heartbroken ...

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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 5:13 PM on Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Thanks for the update. It sounds like you have a good grasp of what a narc your husband is. The narc in my life went evil as soon as I went NC. Didn't even make sense... just wanted to be mean for the sake of being mean... and get me to react.

Is your family going to be with you when WH get's his stuff? It might make things easier for you.

I do think that my STBWXH will crash BIG TIME and learn this the hard way with his AP! They may think that they are gonna live happily ever after, but reality will be a BIG awakening! And one day, I'll tell him 'I told you so'!

I agree that this is going to happen eventually. His way of life and the way of life he has been "treating" the OW too is going to drastically change... and neither is going to adapt to it well.

I also agree with a previous poster that by the time you get to tell him I told you so... you won't care enough about him to do it.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8663894
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icangetpastthis ( New Member #74602) posted at 9:53 PM on Sunday, May 30th, 2021

It is traumatic to watch a person that you love change into something else when you're looking right at them. You can get through this. Trust your instincts and the answers that you need for yourself will come to you.

M = 43 yrs
DDay = March 2020
Me/BS = 62
WH = 64
Working on reconciliation, one day at a time.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2020
id 8663938
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 Venus1 (original poster Member #77144) posted at 11:31 PM on Sunday, May 30th, 2021

@The1stWife – that is exactly what I do not understand! My STBX wanted a ‘clean slate’ and wanted something ‘different’, so he discarded me, our house, our dogs, etc. for the AP, a new home, her dogs, new friends, etc. So, why all the drama, why all the lies, and why does he keep trying to contact me? He should go start this new life and be content with the decisions he’s made. But, he isn’t really that ‘content’ with his decisions is he?

You are right though. My STBX doesn’t like being told ‘no’ and he doesn’t like not having control of me and what I do. My STBX wants me to forgive him and tell him it’s going to be ok and tell him we can be friends because he wants to walk away from this guilt-free and without taking responsibility for his actions! What he doesn’t realize is that at this point I’m probably happier to be leaving this marriage than he is! It’s great when you remember your self-worth in this process.

@ChamomileTea – My STBX really does follow the textbook definition of a narcissist and wayward spouse, doesn’t he? It’s quite shocking to see him behave the way he is after confronting him. I do think that it will get worse before it gets better though … he will want the last word and he really does want me to clean up his mess.

For example; this weekend he went to “visit his parents” Sat/Sun, but I know he was in said location with his AP Thurs – Sun. He gave me the key to the storage unit, which is paid through the 1st, to grab ‘my stuff’. When I got there, there was A LOT of stuff that was his and I think he expected me to clean it all up for him while he was out of town. You’d be proud because I didn’t touch his stuff! I took what was mine and left everything else for him to clean out --- and he’ll have tomorrow ONLY to do it. Not gonna clean up his proverbial ‘mess’!

@Freeme – I will be going back up to that small beach town I visited a few weeks back for the whole week. I have a few days off work to decompress and enjoy the area, and then I’ll work remotely the other days. Everything that is ‘his’ is now in the garage, I changed the locks he can’t get into the house, and STBX claims he will clean out the garage by 5June. So, I won’t even be here while he’s doing it!

And I sure hope you are right! I dream of reaching indifference and not caring what he thinks, what he does, and who he is with (AP or not).

@ICanGetPastThis – it is the worst thing to watch someone you love circle the proverbial drain. Thanks for the support!

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 113   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8663949
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:08 AM on Monday, May 31st, 2021

Some of the cheaters are like young kids - they want to leave home but they still want the safety net in place. They want you know they have someone to fall back on.

Shaking my damn head (SMDH) over that notion.

The cheaters don’t get that what they did was traumatic and horrific and selfish, yet they expect the betrayed to remain friends. Yet they don’t truly understand (really they don’t want to understand) the pain they caused and the emotional consequences of their cheating.

The less contact you have the better. Don’t respond to him. At all. Let him move on. Let him move out and deal with his issues, baggage, personal belongings etc.

Proud of you for NOT cleaning his stuff out of the storage unit.

I used to get very involved with my kids and trying to help them. Until I realized that it was not always the best thing for them. Sometimes they need to learn the hard way.

Same for your STBXH. He needs to sink or swim or suffer the consequences or just plain old move on. Without you. Without you being his friend. Without your forgiveness.

I dated a serial cheater. When I found out I walked away. That jerk called me for a year trying to get me to go out with him. He never got it. And I doubt he ever will.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8663963
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 3:46 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

In nomine Patris, et Filii + et Spiritus Sancti...Amen....Begone Demon!!! Sorry Venus sometimes getting rid of ex narcs is like going through an exorcism. Only more complicated than that. Too bad there isn't an exorcism prayer for your STBXH. Getting rid of them can sometimes be harder than getting rid of the devil himself. Maybe sprinkle some Holy water on his belongings in your garage before you go or better yet rig up a bucket full of that sh!t right above the door before he walks in. That might be a bad idea though.You might come home to find him turned into a pile of ashes. I agree that any communication should go through a third party considering he continues to verbally abuse you. I recommend hiring someone from the Sicilian Mafia for a price to take his calls for you. Their communication skills may come in handy at this point. JK...any way all jokes aside he doesn't need to talk to you or should we say talk at you anymore. Let someone else handle it for you. Someone who can make it clear to him you won't be wasting any more of your time on him.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 10:26 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8664187
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 Venus1 (original poster Member #77144) posted at 6:49 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

@the1stwife - You are so right! cheaters don’t understand what type of pain that they cause! They want to leave home and have their cake, and nonchalantly feel entitled to have an affair with no regard to you and your feelings, but they want the Safetynet to fall back on. I refuse to be his safety net anymore. But, I think that’s why I’m so incredibly exhausted. I have to change my behavior and not be that supportive person for him. I’ve done it for 16years. I am a caretaker so when I see anyone suffering it’s difficult for me to take a step back and just watch everything crumble. Although, I do know that you’re right that he needs to sync or swim at the moment! It’s just at my expense which is so painful. It really is traumatic and horrific to go through something like this. I figure he expects me to emotionally support him through our divorce or something, which is completely twisted.

@Bonetired - I agree with you that this feels like an exorcism! This abuse has dragged in for what feels like forever. And I can’t just get rid of him… Although I’m worried that when contact from his end does stop completely how I’ll feel about that or if it will cause me to feel more lonely or alone? Or will I feel a sense of relief that he’s no longer there pestering me? And the Sicilian Mafia, haha. Thank you for making me laugh. Lol

I do need some support and advice this morning SI! I am away as I mentioned at that little beach town I told you about, and I came across something that reminded me of my STBX. Ever since then I have felt sort of sad and can’t get myself out of it. In fact, I found myself missing my STBX this morning and while a hike and fresh air helped, it’s still there.

I couldn’t help but think about how going away for some trip is something that he is going to be doing with her. And I started asking myself those questions that I know I shouldn’t ask! Why her? What is so special about her? Why did he abandon me for something and someone like that? I know in my mind that it could’ve been anybody and that she has absolutely nothing on me. But it stings and it hurts so much! Almost to the point where I feel like I can’t breathe some days. And the reality is is that he will be with many women in the future and I have to get used to the idea that those women won’t be me.

I feel like I haven’t really dealt with the fact that he has left me for this woman. How do I let this go!? I feel like I have been moving through the past five months, but not really moving on. I just want to be indifferent and not have these feelings of missing him anymore.

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 113   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8664218
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 7:29 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

I couldn’t help but think about how going away for some trip is something that he is going to be doing with her. And I started asking myself those questions that I know I shouldn’t ask!

Oh yeah, BTDT.

Why her?

Because she was there.

What is so special about her?

She's broken and willing to mess around with a married man. Other than that, there is nothing special about her.

Why did he abandon me for something and someone like that?

Because he is broken and she was available and willing.

I know in my mind that it could’ve been anybody and that she has absolutely nothing on me. But it stings and it hurts so much! Almost to the point where I feel like I can’t breathe some days. And the reality is is that he will be with many women in the future and I have to get used to the idea that those women won’t be me.

I know it hurts, but I promise you it gets better with time. Eventually you'll get to a point where you think about the women he's with and just say thank goodness it's not me dealing with his emotional fuckwittage anymore!

I feel like I haven’t really dealt with the fact that he has left me for this woman. How do I let this go!? I feel like I have been moving through the past five months, but not really moving on. I just want to be indifferent and not have these feelings of missing him anymore.

Again, just time. It's a process getting to meh. My D was finalized in 12/2019 and tbh I still have days where I struggle (tho thankfully they are way fewer and further between nowadays). Just be patient with yourself and allow yourself your feelings - they are all normal and expected as part of the grieving process.

Venus you are doing really well. Just keep moving forward and you will make it to indifference eventually.

Sending hugs to you today!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3141   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8664228
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DIFM ( Member #1703) posted at 8:05 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Sending hugs to you Venus. It is all hard, even when you know it is the right and best thing. It takes time, no matter how big of a shit head the WS is. But, you WILL get there. You will be happy you are free of the drama. The moments of contentment will start lasting longer and longer and life free of the ball and chain of the trauma will feel more and more comforting, as it should be.

So sorry for the pain you still feel. Keep reminding yourself that he is an angry narcissist: not a healthy or desirable thing to stay connected to.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8664233
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 8:11 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

It's always scary facing the unknown. Think about people who stay in abusive situations because they are afraid of that. Even when the opportunity arises to extricate them from their situations often times they jump right back in. Feeling the way you do is normal. It's a process of grieving and we can't skip it unfortunately. It's the same when people pass in our lives just as it is when we go through divorce or separation. Some say divorce is worse because you don't only lose the one you thought you loved but there is also betrayal as well that and they are still around haunting your a$$. You can't go back to who you were. This is a life changing process. I compare it to being baptized by fire. You will be forged into something stronger like Damascus steel. If you get through this one day you will see just not right now. Your spirit is being tested and reshaped into something better than what it was before this happened. New cheater Spidey senses are being developed. You will be able to spot it coming down the pipe mile away. Your spine is strengthening and you won't break like he expects you to. One day Venus you will sit back with your arms crossed leisurely 🤔 Ng this 💩head ain't got nothing. Bring it on @$$hole I got this. I think him being pissed at you is a narc quality. I also think he was surprised and taken back by your strength and fortitude. You held his feet to the fire and didn't back down. Sounds to me like he is a little afraid of you right now for that. He doesn't know what to expect from you any longer you blew what he thought you were out of the water and into his face. Stay strong Venus and yeah...cry when you have to...get those feelings out and get through this grieving process. You got this girl. Good thing s are ahead for you.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8664235
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 9:27 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

And the reality is is that he will be with many women in the future and I have to get used to the idea that those women won’t be me.

But the reality is that he's already been with many women and this is what broke you up in the first place. So what's a few more unstable women that he can use and abuse for his own pleasures moving forward? In my opinion, none of this should have happened in the first place.

The women your STBX is currently with is broken. Think about who she is and what she does for a living. And she's married! And has a child! And he chose her! Shows you where his mind is at. Gutter.

Their relationship foundation is already weak and in jeopardy from their infidelities, lies and manipulations. Anyone else who he may attract in the future is going to look like that too. Nothing to feel envious over.

When my deceased WH was seeing one of the many affair partners that he had, I used to hope that he would leave me for her. Because when all was said and done, I figured the relationship would end up cracking under the weak foundation of what his affair was built on anyways. I just wish that I didn't have to be a part of this sick game. I wish I would have been set free from this nightmare a lot sooner. I wish that he would had chosen her and not me.

There are times when I journal and write to my deceased husband to get my sadness and anger out. (I believe that he is still with me in spirit). And as long as he is still here and as long as I am still hurting, he will know about it.

I tell him that I now know the truth of who he was. When he was alive, he was able to convince me that he never cheated on me except for that one time with this particular affair partner. I tell him how deeply he hurt me. I tell him that I have no desire to see him again. I tell him to go be with those other women who he forsaked me for, which were many.

Although I couldn't achieve this level of distancing and detachment from him when he was still alive, I am now working to detach myself from him now that he is gone. Love or attachments don't die when your partner in life dies. Sadly, he destroyed my feelings for him and now I am able to work through them without real in life interruption.

I was so entangled into his web of his lies and manipulations, I couldn't separate truth from lies. But today I write and tell him everything and how he ruined my life and that there is no reason to continue on into eternity (I do believe in the afterlife) because he took what was so precious away from me; trust, love, friendship and disregarded my heart just so that he could f*** other women and have girlfriends.

I am so disappointed in who he was. As time goes on and more and more I find any good feelings I had for him are dwindling. Why bother now to try and fix what he had broken? He had almost 35 years to figure this out. The damage is done. He now needs to go.

I feel for you, Venus. I know that you still love your STBXWH but he has hurt your soul tremendously, beyond repair. And because of what he has done, he really isn't good for anyone but for those who lack values. It sucks and I know it does and it's sad to have to experience this after you had put so much time and effort into what you thought was forever. But unfortunately this is now a part of your reality and your journey to recovery and wellness. And I'm glad that you haven't had to endure this pain he caused to you any longer than you already have had to. He has taken enough from you. You have been spared a lot of grief and pain because you found out sooner than later in life. And you are still young!

If you give yourself time, I believe that you can and will heal from all of this and in time, when you look in the rear view mirror, you will feel so fortunate that you got away from this emotionally sick man before more damage could set it. In time, I believe you will count your blessings and thank your lucky stars. As other have told me, just keep moving forward.

Keep your head up, Venus and keep putting one foot in front of another. You are almost there to being set free from him. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

On a side note, it has been over a year since my WH has passed away. And yes, I am still grieving the fact who I thought he was was a bunch of lies. BUT I am having better days and I am finding I have better moments. And I just traveled across the U.S. to visit both of my kids. There is hope for a better future and this is what I am striving for. And I hope that you will too. And I agree, the ocean is healing. The ocean is one of my happy places too. You need to check out those Florida beaches. Wow! Warm water, warm sand and warm sunshine. My plans are to go back again very soon to visit the Keyes. Can't wait.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8664266
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 9:39 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

It's the same when people pass in our lives just as it is when we go through divorce or separation. Some say divorce is worse because you don't only lose the one you thought you loved but there is also betrayal as well that and they are still around haunting your a$$

Bonetired, I laughed when I read your post and felt compelled to respond. My deceased WH may be gone in the flesh but he is still around and as you quoted it, haunting my a$$. Lol Hard as it is to believe but this is my truth. So everything you said above rings true whether dead or alive. Ugh

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8664272
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 Venus1 (original poster Member #77144) posted at 12:31 AM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

I don’t know what I’d do without all of you reminding me that my STBX is broken. That his AP is broken. That I didn’t do anything to deserve this. That it will just take time to get over the heartbreak and that when I feel so sad and lonely, it’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign that I was all in and loved unconditionally. That I can be proud of those qualities and learn from this experience to protect myself in the future. That my surprising him with my strength and setting hard boundaries is a testament to who I am as a woman. That every time he does something stupid, it brings me one step closer to accepting that he is a liar, a cheater, a no-good bastard that doesn’t deserve one more second of my time! That one day, I’ll thank my lucky stars!

For now, I’ll just say ‘thank you’!

How long can his fantasy affair fog bubble last though? How is it even possible with all the reality checks that have been thrown at him so far? I assume he just hasn’t hit true rock bottom yet and his house of cards hasn’t actually fallen? Today I learned that the apartment in said location isn’t just for him (so they can have their sexcapades on weekends), but it’s for both of them, her dogs and kid! So, I guess she is going to leave her husband and they are setting up this perfect life together so they can ride off into the sunset!

I think my STBX is getting ‘off’ on the continued lies. He thinks he’s convinced me, my parents, our joint friends, etc. that he’s moving in with his parents, he’s broke, and we just grew apart, etc. But, he’s setting up this new life with her and it probably feels like they are still ‘sneaking around’. It’s like my STBX is still cheating, but he is cheating on his family and friendships now. I swear my STBX thinks it will be ok to show up at his parents house for Thanksgiving dinner with this new girl and her son, because he truly believes that we have all believed his lies. But, we can’t be fooled anymore!

Now, my STBXs parents / sister / brother know about the affair, but not sure if they know her name. My STBX was super p!ssed I even told them about the affair back in January. I think he believed he could keep it from them and just get away with it. He could tell them: ‘I’m in love with her”, “she is a wonderful person, full of kindness and love”, “she completes me”, “her son is amazing” … blah blah blah! All the while no one knows her name or the truth, except the people I’ve told! Everything he says sounds like ‘love bombing’ though … typical Narcissist.

@EllieKMAS – what is BTDT? Not heard of that before. And big hugs my friend!

@DIFM – thank you for the hugs and encouragement. I hope you are right that one day I’ll wake up and just feel ‘free’.

@BoneTired – I loved the analogy that he is ‘haunting my a$$’! It’s the perfect way to describe how it feels. And you can’t really perform an exorcism to rid yourself of them, especially in the case of a narcissist! They are so deep in your mind and soul that it takes what feels like forever to shake them!

@HurtmyHeart – achieving detachment is so difficult! I have so much I want to say to him and her, but it will do more harm than good at this point. And I have to stop caring about even saying those things to them and/or I need to save that for when the D is signed, sealed and delivered.

I can totally relate to the ‘web of his lies and manipulations’ comment though. My parents caught him in a big lie this week and now they are asking the same questions I ask! If it is so easy to lie to someone that he says he ‘loves’ the past 16 ½ years, how many years has he truly been lying and being two-faced to me, to them, to our friends? Is this the first time he’s cheated on me? What was real and what wasn’t? We've been 'trauma-bonded' so to speak to all the lies he's created over the years. We believed him, trusted him, and never knew he was like this. So now we are dredging our way out of the sticky abyss he's created.

I don’t understand what he gains by continuing to lie and go this path. But, he clearly does think the grass is greener!

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 113   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8664599
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 12:54 AM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

BTDT

Usually Been there. Done that

posts: 740   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8664604
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 2:32 AM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

I think my STBX is getting ‘off’ on the continued lies. He thinks he’s convinced me, my parents, our joint friends, etc. that he’s moving in with his parents, he’s broke, and we just grew apart, etc. But, he’s setting up this new life with her and it probably feels like they are still ‘sneaking around’.

That's the energy which continues to fuel the affair. It's all about the illicit excitement and new conquest at first, but that tends to wear off, so the affair couple starts sniffing around, looking for a fight, and voila!... triangulation springs into existence. Cheaters like this will set you or anyone else who gives off any whiff of disapproval as adversaries. Then, it's "you and me against ex" or "against the parents" or "against the world". Triangulation provides a sense of unity against any criticism, real or imagined, and because it stretches out that illicit excitement, it's not unusual for the affair couple will seek out triangulation by any means necessary. Otherwise, they're just left dealing with each other and all the insecurities they've brought in as baggage.

Best to make sure that all your key people have the facts and then just leave them to it. The last thing you want to do is provide free fuel for their nasty little affair drama. Just remember if they start poking the bear, it's because they built a tripod and it can't stand on two legs.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8664616
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 9:28 AM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

How long can his fantasy affair fog bubble last though? How is it even possible with all the reality checks that have been thrown at him so far?

I think it can last for quite a while, certainly whilst things are new and different because even with some reality checks, they'll still be thinking things will be alright or will work out.

I don't think it changes much until things become mundane and boring as all things do in the end, till they have suffered from the lack of money for a while, or till they realise the problems they had with you are still there because THEY were the problem rather than YOU. It takes time for cracks to appear and for the little things they love now to turn into the massive things that annoy them later.

By the time it happens, you'll be having much too good a life to notice

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8664646
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 12:41 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

How long can his fantasy affair fog bubble last though? How is it even possible with all the reality checks that have been thrown at him so far?

I think it will end when the money runs out. When they have to deal with real life problems and trust issues.

You keep being that super strong woman. You will get through this.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8664664
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 8:58 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

It can last awhile. Sometimes forever. That is the case with my daughter's father. They married and are still. Life does get hard and just because they make it work doesn't mean it's right. It just means this was the only option to save face. In front of friends, parents and everyone. If he chooses to stay with her they will still have a hard and difficult road ahead of them which hopefully you won't have time for anymore. Karma comes to call when we don't look a lot of times. It's like what it says in the bible. Revenge is the Lord's. Now mind you I am not super religious however some of it does stick with me. The lies he's told you? What is true and what isn't. I think he did love you. Just because he denies it now doesn't mean he didn't. He is telling lies to himself right now and fabricating another story as a way to protect himself. If he ever had to face the truth of who he is it would probably do him in. He wouldn't know what the truth was if it hit him in the nutsack. He isn't only good at lying to you, your parents or anybody else in his life he is also really good at hiding the truth from himself. Waking him up from his own deception isn't something any one person can do. It may eventually happen down the road one day when he is all alone or with crusty pants cam girl realizing how huge of a mistake he made. God I hope you have long moved on when that happens and realize thank God she stepped into the picture because you will feel so relieved then. Someday ...right now you get to go through the forever popular steps of grieving for this asshole. A special brand of torture most of us on this site has had to endure! Now just imagine if you had a child with him and had to see him every week with cam girl for the pick up or drop off. Had to swallow my own vomit in the beginning with that one but yeah there's that.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8664792
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 Venus1 (original poster Member #77144) posted at 11:20 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

@grubs – thanks. “Been there. Done that.” I fear I’ll have a few BTDT responses in a year when posting to newbies on SI! UGH.

@ChamomileTea – I forgot about triangulation. I’ve always felt that infidelity is caused by triangulation and it destroys marriages, families, and lives more often than people are willing to talk about. I told my STBX in January that I couldn’t be in a relationship with three people, as he created this triangle between me, him and the AP. I knew that was a hard boundary for me and that I had the self-worth to say no. That ultimately my choice is to be in a monogamous relationship with my husband and his choice was simple --- me or her. I guess it just stings knowing he chose a cam whore over me. But, hopefully that two legged tripod will fall into itself and explode as time goes on!

@Jambomo and @Freeme – it sucks knowing that they could be together for six months, a year or five years until the boring and mundane stuff kicks in. There is something so unjust about the BS having to wait that long to get some sort of justification or redemption. And I hope you are right that I’ll be having too much fun and reached indifference to even care if/when his house of cards fall.

When my STBX told me the AP was ‘kind and caring’ and that she gives him ‘things I never did’ in the bedroom, I remember responding ‘uh yea, new pu$$y or new d!ck is always better than the old. It’s the fantasy of the chase, but it’s not real life, because when she goes home to her husband, she’s wearing sweat pants, not wearing that red lipstick and lingerie that you wrote so fondly about to her. As for being kind and caring, yea she’s not so kind and caring to her husband now is she. Just wait.’ He didn’t listen then, and he won’t listen now because he’s deep in the fantasy.

What really sucks is that I’m in a community property and a no-fault state for our D. As I’ve been the saver the past 16 years, and he’s been the one to buy ‘toys’, sadly he will get money from me and from the house equity. While I’ll definitely fight like hell to keep what I can, the money might not run out for them for a while. From the beginning of all of this, I’ve wondered if she is a gold digger or a scam artist? She is posting pictures of large emerald cut diamond engagement rings on Pinterest recently … the equity on my house may pay for that sh!t! How disgusting is that?

@Bonetired – I’m so sorry your wayward is with the AP still! How did you let that go? It’s just SO WRONG and such a twisted cruel fate that us BSs have to actually face sometimes. I’m sure the answer is ‘time’ but when it’s still fairly new, time seems to tick on so slowly. And thank God we didn’t have kids --- you are a strong woman to endure that with your daughter.

You are right though that my STBX is telling himself lies as a way to protect himself and to put a band aid on what’s wrong with him. I truly do believe that he’s living in this alternate reality and he wants to walk away from this without any guilt or any responsibility. He wants me to tell him that ‘I forgive him’ and/or that I’ll ‘be ok’, because that means it’s ok what he’s done and continues to do. I actually find it quite sad really that at the beginning of all of this he said he’ll never get married again and he just wats to be alone and figure things out on his own, but now he can’t be alone without her!

“Special brand of torture” --- OH MY GOD I can totally relate to this! I’ve told my girlfriends that what my STBX is literally torturing me for sport because Narcs have NO IDEA what damage they do to their victims. I’m not allowing myself to be the victim, which is the ‘win’, but the torture does live on.

Is it ok to not forgive your WS? I’m the type of person who believes forgiveness is for yourself and releases your soul from any of that baggage and burden. But, I have no idea how I could forgive him for what he’s actually done!

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 113   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8664834
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 11:36 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

I fear I’ll have a few BTDT responses in a year when posting to newbies on SI! UGH.

You probably will. But you know what? It doesn't suck. Every time I have a BTDT moment it makes me so unbelievably grateful that I am not in that mental place anymore. It reminds me of how very far I have come from where I started. Maybe that's just my silver-lining thing, but I choose to look at it from a place of awe at my growth and strength. My guess is you will too!

Is it ok to not forgive your WS? I’m the type of person who believes forgiveness is for yourself and releases your soul from any of that baggage and burden.

I also believe this about forgiveness. And I believe that it just takes as long as it takes. Don't pressure yourself to 'forgive' anything. It will happen in time.

And yes, it is totally fine not to forgive something unforgivable.

What really sucks is that I’m in a community property and a no-fault state for our D. As I’ve been the saver the past 16 years, and he’s been the one to buy ‘toys’, sadly he will get money from me and from the house equity. While I’ll definitely fight like hell to keep what I can, the money might not run out for them for a while. From the beginning of all of this, I’ve wondered if she is a gold digger or a scam artist? She is posting pictures of large emerald cut diamond engagement rings on Pinterest recently … the equity on my house may pay for that sh!t! How disgusting is that?

Yeah that would suck big ol balls. I was in the same boat - I was the breadwinner and he could've wound up getting alimony from me. Thankfully that didn't happen in my case (mostly just cus my super genius xwh was too damn lazy to file anything), but I was mentally preparing for it.

And what I would say to myself in those moments was this: What. Price. Freedom. IOW, getting him gone was worth ANY amount of money.

Eyes on the prize Venus - getting clear of him will be worth all of this stress I promise.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3141   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8664839
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 12:57 AM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

People who posture and pose and do sexual things for money are so broken that your stbx is going to run into that reality at some point. Most of the cheaters that I know have deep seated issues. Your stbx managed to skate on the surface but this craziness was always there. How does he plan to introduce her to people he knows? “I met her on line while she stripped for me.” You have better things to do than agonize over a child in an adult’s body.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8664860
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