Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Heartbroken ...

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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 10:02 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Hi Venus,

I understand you feel this way. Your moods will vary depending on what you suddenly think of, triggers and whatnot! You might have some good days and bad days too. Slowly your mood will change for the better especially when you get your mind off him.

You're doing great actually, from what I can see. You're improving by the day. Focus on your NC and try to improve your well-being. Do jogging, it helps release stress and will keep your mind away from STBWX.

Good luck!

posts: 387   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670821
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:19 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

He’s a loser snd a jerk for the way he behaves. He’s not doing this to you — you are just the unwitting victim here. It’s his series of bad choices that just keep affecting you and impacting you.

And one day he willingly be doing this to the AP. It’s just a matter of time. Most APs don’t realize they are nothing special and are just a convenience at the moment. When life gets in the way — and it usually does — the cheater will start looking forward a replacement b/c the “fun” wore off.

Keep pushing forward and believe in yourself. Because despite how it feels right now you will one day be thankful you are free from this jerk. Better days ahead!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8670846
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Knowing my STBWX wakes up in the morning while she makes him coffee and watches a movie with her / her son on Saturday night just makes me sick! Because (insert sarcasm) watching movies made me fat and unlovable, and I never gave him the right amount of sugar in his coffee.

You think she will? She'll be over or under sugaring his coffee same as you. Because he's a narc, nothing will ever be 100% up to snuff. He might act like everything is great. He's not going to want to admit that it's not, not after everything he's thrown away. But one thing you can count on is that narcs are never satisfied. The kibbles are never enough, and just as they got stale coming from you, they'll lose potency from her, probably even faster. Toss in raising someone else's kid and whatever that's going to cost him financially. You can bet that the kid is unlikely to appreciate it. Step-parenting is already a pretty thankless job. It's not improved by a massive ego and a bottomless pit requiring dump-truck loads of external validation on the regular. You're picturing this scene of smiling domestic bliss, but what's more likely to be happening is your STBX gritting his teeth because the OW's spaghetti sauce gives him a sour stomach and yours didn't and the kid is loud and rude and working his nerves and he can't hear the movie. In a year, he won't be gritting his teeth anymore. He'll be complaining out loud, if it even takes that long. If he's real stubborn though, he might live with her for the rest of his life, miserably ever after, while the OW posts smiling faces on her social media in order to make sure that you know it was all worth it.

It's a trick of the mind, Venus. It's your Inner Critic taking potshots at you. Really though, you know how he is. He's NOT going to be better with her, he's going to be worse. Much worse. That's a matter of time. And it's unlikely that he's ever going to admit that it's shitty and that he fucked up. The absolute BEST punishment we could wish on a unrepentant cheater is that they end up with the AP. It's a twofer of punishment, because she's going to be kissing ass until she hates herself and her life, "pick me" dancing forever, unable to stop lest it all come crashing down. It's genius punishment, and once we stop competing for the shiny turd, we SEE the karmic justice of it.

Put him out of your mind, Sweetie. Breathe in the FREEDOM. Go out with friends. Schedule another vaca. Flirt with cute waiters. Learn an instrument. Get professional photos of your dogs. And just do whatever the hell you want. You are FREE from that yammering, ungrateful, criticizing voice. Someone else is getting blamed for not sugaring his coffee right and it can feel AWESOME if you let it.

((big hugs))

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8670928
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beeinastorm ( new member #78914) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Venus, I just want you to know, your thread has been immensely helpful. I haven't posted my own story yet, but mine is somewhat similar to yours, I'm 6 weeks past D-Day and I haven't hit the angry phase yet. I'm stuck grieving. I was hoping to reconcile, but I know now that is impossible. I'm only 6 pages into this thread, but it's giving me lots of strength to do the things I know I need to do. I'm terrified, I don't recognize my husband anymore, but I also know I can't stay. Thank you for posting your story and your journey to freedom. It's helping me. I'm sure it's helping others too.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2021
id 8671011
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 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 7:08 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

@beeinastorm – thank you so much for your post! I can’t tell you how much reading your words meant to me. The past 6 months I have been hoping that my STBWXs ‘exit A’ and enduring his horrible treatment will serve some sort of purpose in my life. That I’ll be able to take what I have learned to help someone else through this, just like our fellow SI members have done for me. And you have given me so much hope that sharing my story, my feelings, my experiences will make a difference and help someone else.

I am truly sorry that you found yourself on SI and that your situation is similar to mine. I truly feel your pain. No matter what, know you aren’t alone. None of this was your fault. I've spent some time doing a lot of self-blame, and it was a waste of my time doing so. Ever need a chat, let me know. Posting your story will be very cathartic for you, I know it was for me, but only post if / when you are ready. In the meantime, prioritize yourself and take care of YOU!

One thing I would like to share is that even though tomorrow will be 6 months from my D-day, the grief is still very real. It comes and goes in waves. Some days I feel very strong and other days I feel very weak, but it does get better with time. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like a scab on my heart is being ripped open time and time again when my STBWX does something I don’t recognize. However, that scab gets a little smaller every time and I see right through his behavior. That scab slowly heals every time. There will always a scar there, as these experiences truly change us, but scars make us stronger and make us unique. It is amazing how much you learn going through this!

And the anger – you’ll get there. And then you can use that anger to move forward instead of feeling like you are floundering, which is how I felt about 6 weeks in.

Big hugs to you!

@beb252 & @The1stWife – My STBWS really is a loser and jerk! The triggers are when I take a few steps backwards. White trucks, certain songs, etc. really sneak up on me. But, I’ve been reading, painting, working out, etc. to keep myself distracted. When I keep on the busy side, I do think less about my STBWX and my situation, and am able to stay present in the moment and even think about my future. When I have those moments of peace, I feel relaxed and lighter, and I see this life ahead of me that will be full of love and things that bring me joy. I’ll keep ‘pushing forward’ and keep believing in myself.

@ChamomileTea – thank you for reminding me that my inner critic is taking potshots at me. I call it the technicolor version of life. It’s like self-sabotage! I think I have a dotted line between my head and heart still! I have moments where my head and heart give the middle finger to him simultaneously, but more moments that I still question things.

You’ll be proud though. Today I went to a wine/food festival with friends (first time doing anything like that in 2 years because of COVID), and I’ve planned a 2 week camping trip! Leave in a few days. I’ll be off the grid hiking to waterfalls and around lakes, breathing in fresh air. My goal is to do exactly what you said --- put him out of my mind, try to let go, and breathe in the freedom I have now. You are right that I’ve lost 185lbs of garbage and she can take that garbage off my hands no problem!

Quick update – The past 48 hours my STBWX has contacted me twice.

The first contact was a text where he said he wanted to be ‘transparent’ and let me know that he needs to take out a loan because he has no money left. I actually laughed out loud. Transparent? Um, how about telling me you live with the AP now and her son / dogs, how about being honest about all the money you’ve spent frivolously, etc.? Cry me a river! But, you guys were right -- money problems!

The second contact was this evening where he dropped flowers and a card on my porch. The card said "I know you don't want to talk, but I wanted to say I hope you are well. I think of you." Emotional manipulation, check. Trying to soften me up for something he wants, check. A little guilt on his mind, check. The ironic thing is that my STBWX fancies himself 'in love' with the AP and is making new friends in *said location* based on some false narrative. Yet, he 'thinks of me'. Sounds like cake eating too!

Maintaining hard 180 and no contact. Those things don't deserve a response or a single second of my time!

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8671417
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 9:47 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

... he said he wanted to be ‘transparent’ and let me know that he needs to take out a loan because he has no money left.

...he dropped flowers and a card on my porch.

That sounds like he wants something... or like he's done something and he wants to get ahead of it before you react. Have you checked your credit report lately? I think you should, just to make sure that there's nothing weird going on. Maybe he's just interested in sweetening you up so you don't ask for anything in the divorce, but still... check that credit report. Consider freezing your credit until the divorce is final. Talk to your attorney or to a financial planner about it.

Today I went to a wine/food festival with friends (first time doing anything like that in 2 years because of COVID), and I’ve planned a 2 week camping trip! Leave in a few days. I’ll be off the grid hiking to waterfalls and around lakes, breathing in fresh air.

Good for you! I really AM so proud!!!

I hope you have a really great time. Be careful around those waterfalls though. They're more dangerous than people usually think.

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8671639
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 10:56 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I agree with ChamomileTea. He hasn't even menchioned being served. Want's to tell you he is broke while your in the middle of a divorce. Flowers and a card while being in "love" with Cam whore.

He couldn't be stupid enough to want anything financial from you. The joint account that you both put money in for the house. Is that still ok?

Claiming to be transparent and broke after spending wildly on OW and their new life together. Why tell you this? Why continue to lie? Does he think you're going to become a supportive friend? Confident? after what he has put you through?

Flowers and a card after those voicemails, the way he has be acting, treating you?

It does sound like he is trying to butter you up for some reason. I don't trust him at all.

Maintaining hard 180 and no contact. Those things don't deserve a response or a single second of my time!

Also really proud of you for doing this. I wouldn't even contact him to tell him to stop. You've let him know enough times already. NC is best.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:45 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8671663
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:15 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Be careful around those waterfalls though. They're more dangerous than people usually think.

I think you're fine so long as you don't chase them? I think I heard that somewhere...

Venus so glad you're getting away for a bit - you deserve it and I think it'll do you a world of good!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8671670
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 1:08 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Hello Venus1,

I never read your thread before, so I read your posts only and not the replies.

Some suggestions and observations:

- Perhaps you should reread all your posts since the beginning to gain some perspective.

- when two spouses divorce, they go their own ways. You live your life the way you want, he does the same. Whether he moves in with the AP doesn’t matter.

- your XWH thrives on attention. Positive attention, negative attention, any attention.

- his attention and constant visits prevents you from healing and moving on.

- send your WXH one last email. He should no longer contact you, email, text or whatever. He should only contact your lawyer. He should not reply. Any contact will result in a restraining order. I hope you kept that voicemail you wrote about? His voicemail was threatening and you can file a complain to the police.

- you NEED to stop him from coming to your life. He should never be allowed to come close to your house.

- if you don’t put a stop to it, he will torment you forever, even you don’t reply to his emails etc…

- some SI posters diagnosed him as narc, but it could be more. I’m not a doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but I find his behavior scary.

- put a stop to this. As long as you feed his drama by allowing him to talk to you and see you and give you flowers … you will not heal.

Just my 2 cents Move on, live your life, be happy.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1440   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8671695
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 6:36 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Anything new? Wondering how you are doing.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8676763
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 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 4:53 AM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Hi SI! It's been AGES since my last post, but I promise there is good reason for it! To summarize, 'I'm doing good'.

I decided to go on a camping trip to one of the national parks here in CA (left early July). I spent multiple weeks hiking, backpacking, swimming in rivers and glacial lakes, etc. and had ZERO cell service and ZERO internet. I was completely 'off the grid' and it was the best thing I could have done for myself! It gave me the time to disconnect and decompress after the last 6 months of h3ll, as well as spend quality time with some of my family! I didn't know how much I needed it.

I made the conscious choice that my STBWXH was a 'no topic' for the duration of the trip. Even told my family who went to call me on it if needed. I wasn't going to talk about him, think about him, etc. because this adventure was for me. Ultimately I wanted to stop giving him any control over my mind / heart anymore, and I figured that I had to go cold turkey. The first few days were really difficult ... but then suddenly he was out of my mind / heart and I was truly in the moment. I finally, after 6 months, spent about 10 days without thinking about him AT ALL! It felt so FREEING!

There was one exception to the rule though. The 'bonfire'.

Day 1 I sat next to a river and wrote my STBWXH a letter. It took me an hour to write it and it ended up 8 pages long, but I wrote everything I wanted to say to him in one sitting! The good, the bad, the ugly, the things I haven't even talked to my counselor about. I wrote out all the things he deserves to hear, all the things I want to stay to the AP, but never will. Because as you know Narcs don't listen or care about the truth! The contents are private, but I'll share what I ended it with.

'Adios Mother-F#cker!'.

My idea was that I needed some sort of ceremony to say goodbye to my X and my marriage. I figured burning the letter (and a few other things I brought with me that represented my marriage) in a bonfire, in the presence of my family, was a way to do so. A way to start really letting go and putting all those words out into the universe. I figure if karma is as much of a b!tch as I think she is, she can take care of my STBWXH for me. And I can do self-care with intent and just live my life moving forward.

I got everything and brought it to the firepit and then the most amazing thing happened. The owner of the place we were camping, that I had befriended earlier in the week, came to our campground. His name is Garret and he was a professional bull rider back in the day, now full time cowboy, running the campground and the local ranch. He said he dabbled on the guitar and sang and wanted to sing some songs for us at the firepit. We said yes... and it was AMAZING! He more than 'dabbled' on the guitar and had an amazing voice... singing a bunch of classic country songs.

Third song he started singing was about a man who was saying goodbye to the woman he loved. I looked at my mom / dad / brother, and they nodded. And I knew it was time.

When I placed everything into the fire, I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad... I felt relief! It was like an elephant that I had been carrying around with me for 6 months just lifted as I took a deep breath and breathed it out. As if those words went into the universe and the burden and self-blame I've been carrying went away. And when everything was done burning, I noticed it was just 'ash'. That's all my X is for me now ... just ash! So, I looked into the sky at the stars and said 'goodbye'.

I made a few new commitments to myself right then and there.

1. I won't turn down any good opportunities that will bring me joy in my life. I will live my life and it will be a beautiful one!

2. 'He who shall not be named' will no longer take up any more of my thoughts or my feelings. I'll never say 'we' or his name ever again.

3. When I take a step backwards (as there are going to be tough days to come during D), I will leverage my network of family, friends and SI to get through those. God knows that I'll need your advice on my anniversary (which is coming up) or when he does some bonehead thing to trigger me.

4. I will keep working through my trust issues, abandonment issues, grief, etc. in IC. And I'll maintain my self-care!

5. I refuse to be defined by the bad things that have happened to me. 'This' won't break me.

I guess I just realized that I'm not going to 'be ok', but I'm already doing ok. One day and one step at a time! The title of my first post was 'Heartbroken...' and it still applies everyday. The pain is VERY real and it will take me a long time to truly get over what my STBWX has done. But, I have remembered my self-worth and that I deserve all the things I want in my life. Travel, music, plays, art / museums, love and laughter. It's all here right now if I want it! And my message to anyone reading this is to GRAB WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE as fiercely and as fast as you can.

As for what my STBWXH is doing, I don't know and I don't care. I've stayed NC for 6.5 weeks and it feels great.

[This message edited by Venus1 at 10:59 PM, July 25th (Sunday)]

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8678428
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childofcheater ( member #33887) posted at 12:19 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

All I have to say is WOO FREAKING HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

That is an awesome update! I am so happy for you!

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8678453
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childofcheater ( member #33887) posted at 12:19 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Double post

[This message edited by childofcheater at 6:20 AM, July 26th (Monday)]

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8678454
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childofcheater ( member #33887) posted at 12:19 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Super awesome triple post

[This message edited by childofcheater at 6:21 AM, July 26th (Monday)]

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8678455
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 1:16 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Venus,

Wow! What an amazing (and uplifting) update. I am so glad you're on such a positive path and have such a great support system.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8678466
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:35 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

This is how you do it! Letting go of the rope because it was choking you. Have fun in your new life!

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8678469
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:56 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

But, I have remembered my self-worth and that I deserve all the things I want in my life.

That's arriving at your destination. That's "getting it". It's what we hope that every new BS who comes in here will eventually see. People can tell you that you "deserve all the things" until they turn blue. It's not until YOU KNOW IT in your heart and in your soul though that it means anything. But once you do.. it means EVERYTHING. Kudos sweetie. Well done!

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8678589
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 8:16 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

This is the best update Venus. I'm over here tearing up and hugging myself!

What an amazing journey you have been on and what an amazing example you are for how to walk that path towards healing. I am so happy for you and so so proud of you!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8678597
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Reddirtman ( new member #77340) posted at 11:05 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Venus.

Wonderful update. We are all pulling for you.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2021   ·   location: OK
id 8678658
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 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 6:51 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Warning, warning, warning! “Hoovering” in progress!

Don’t worry — I’m still kicking @ss and taking names! Enjoying the lack of a choke collar around my neck that I didn’t even know was there.

Self-care with intent = falling in love with yourself again and doing things that you love. You find yourself more at peace, even though the stress of infidelity and D is still there. You just make the choice to push through and live in the moment, finding that new “living on my own” rhythm. Since my last post I went out for drinks with friends, had a birthday dinner for my mom, worked out and went hiking, read a book and binge watched Virgin River season 3 on Netflix. Got a great recognition at work too! My week has been good. Happy. More peaceful.

I had some heartbreak tears this week. Stupid music! but I went for a run and pulled myself out of it. Because my WX (he’s not “soon to be anymore”, he’s just my wayward X even though we are no where near final D) doesn’t deserve those tears anymore.

Now, to the warning above - for the newbies.

“ Hoovering” is the term used to describe a narcissist trying to re-connect with you after a time of separation. Often, this separation occurs after a time of silence between you and the narcissist. The hoovering generally happens when you are not making contact, and at times when you are trying to get on with your life.

If you are the one trying to contact and make-up, it is more likely that the narcissist will devalue and discard you. If this is not the case, it is because the narcissist still wants something from you – possessions, money, status, contacts or sex because other sources are momentarily low.”

OMG! So I didn’t learn the true definition of this term until VERY recently! I heard of it previously but didn’t experience it before with my WX or in other relationships. For six months he devalued and discarded. However, since I got back from my vacation, my WX has emailed, called, and sent flowers multiple times! I read this educational article (which I’d love to share … how do I?) about hoovering and it described my WX to a “T”. All because I have started to move on and have gone NC, he’s trying to suck me back in and get some of that narcissistic supply! He can’t stand not being able to control the situation and clearly wants or needs something from me, even though he goes back to the AP who he fancies himself “in love” with. Cake eater!

You guys were right … my WX should create a checklist that other WS can follow. He is the most vanilla textbook narcissistic cheater out there and has done everything you said he would! You guys called it months ago!

Best part… I am still no contact, even with all of those advances! I won’t let him break me.

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8681121
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