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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 9:34 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

"Is there any chance we can fix us at all or are we done for good? Been thinking a lot about you. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through."

What bothers me the most about this is how little effort he put into it. It just sounds like he sent it on a whim...didn't want to put too much thought or work into it. Please, please, please don't reply. Let him think that you either didn't get it or didn't care enough to respond. Even a Hell No would be too good for him.

We knew this would happen. They couldn't even hold it together for a year. He's probably having money problems, Cam-girl issues, teenage kid problems... This isn't a can we fix us...text... what he is really asking is can YOU fix things for me? Can YOU make things better for me?

"Been thinking a lot about you." I"m sure he is but it's probably more about how much easier his life was.

Please continue with N/C

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:36 PM, Monday, September 20th]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8689418
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 5:17 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Everyone knew this was coming. What strikes me most also is the lack of effort. Next the brazen audacity.
"Been thinking a lot about you" Aw Gee Thanks.
"Are we done for good?"
Has this all been a game of chicken to him? That wasn’t apparent from the divorce papers?
"Is there any chance we can fix"
We? You didn’t cause this mess, and this isn’t like glueing a jar back together. He cheated, lied, deceived, disrespected, abandoned you and was cruel and uncaring in the process. He should be presenting himself to you, why he’s good for you, how he plans to repair the marriage, how he plans to regain your trust, what he’s changed about himself, why he did what he did and why it won’t happen again, what makes him worthy of a second chance.
"us?"
The hell does he mean "us" Isn’t he still with that skeazy woman? What about her and them?
"at all" This gives an implication he actually gaf and tried before.
"I’m sorry for everything I put you through"
Aww Gee Thanks, that curt apology through text certainly atones for months of hell.

Venus, this text has absolutely nothing to do with loving you. He remains the selfish self centered jack off he’s been from the beginning. I’m so proud of you for the immediate reflection you did. It’s expected you’re going to be sad. You were together 13 years and that doesn’t disappear overnight. It’s only been 9 months. I’m sorry he contacted you. I think you should remain completely NC. Don’t respond in anyway. If he reaches out again, tell him not to contact you again or you’ll forward this to his skeazazoid gf.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8689553
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 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 5:44 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I am so thankful I posted last week and received all your messages! Your responses gave me the strength to (1) face what came my way this week, (2) to remain no-contact / no-response to the Narc STBWX, and (3) reminded me to give myself the grace to just feel what I've been feeling this past month.

Being 'type A' doesn't help when you are healing from infidelity and divorce though. There is no timeline for how long it takes to heal from this crap. And I really needed the reminder to be ok with not being ok some days.

So, this week I got another text message and a voicemail from my STBWXH. The voicemail said (some paraphrasing here): "I know your counselor told you to not communicate with me, but it would be really nice if we could try and meet up for dinner to chat about some things. I know you don't want to change your mind and may not want to work through things, but I know I put you through hell and I'd just like to talk. I love you and hope to talk to you soon."

I love how he thinks my counselor told me to do no-contact. Or that he 'loves me' and he wants to meet up for dinner. I can't help but think that this is all 'love bombing' and trying to suck me back in. His message was very solemn though, so I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. It made me sick to my stomach having the initial reaction of wanting to reach out and help. But, I did what was suggested and read some of this thread and remembered why I can no longer be responsible for him and his feelings and his bad decisions. I also learned that was back in said location with the AP this weekend. Almost like he is treating me as the AP, reaching out to me and leaving that VM when he was with her. Yuck.

But, then he amped up his game and I got the 'flying monkeys'! Flying monkeys refer to friends / family of a Narc that are used to reach out to you and to try and make you feel bad or feel guilty, etc. I heard from a joint friend and from his sister in a matter of two days! The text from his sister really irked me though! Mind you, she was in our wedding and we were really close, but last I heard from her she told me that she felt 'uncomfortable and wanted to support her brother and ensure he was happy." I haven't heard from her since, and she completely rug swept the A and enabled him.

Here's the text: "Hey sis, you said you would take care of my brother no matter what happens. He is in real hardship right now and said he has been trying to reach out to you and you have refused to answer or reply to anything from him. If you felt anything for him, can you please try to reach out to him? I would greatly appreciate it."

I didn't respond, but I wanted to say something like "Are you serious!? You are blaming me for not 'taking care of your brother' when he is the one who broke our vows? Did he tell you that he committed adultery and that he is living with the AP now? What about the hardship I've endured by being betrayed, abandoned, and cheated on? Where were you or the rest of your family asking if I was ok the last 9 months?" I'm so angry. I mean what the heck is wrong with people!!!! UGH

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8690594
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:29 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

"Hey sis, you said you would take care of my brother no matter what happens. He is in real hardship right now and said he has been trying to reach out to you and you have refused to answer or reply to anything from him. If you felt anything for him, can you please try to reach out to him? I would greatly appreciate it."


OMG. My jaw is on the floor! What a colossal disconnect from reality! I don't know how you haven't driven to her house and beat her across the nose with a rolled up newspaper. What.. a.. bitch!

So, it's "real hardship", huh? So much for wanting to take you to dinner because.. love. rolleyes

"I know your counselor told you to not communicate with me, but it would be really nice if we could try and meet up for dinner to chat about some things. I know you don't want to change your mind and may not want to work through things, but I know I put you through hell and I'd just like to talk. I love you and hope to talk to you soon."


And wow.. narc much??? He can't imagine that little ol' you might have the gumption to make a choice about contact, but what's even more incredible is that he thinks all he needs to do to MAKE you change your mind is get to you in person, like you're just avoiding him because you know you'd succumb immediately to his dubious charms. rolleyes

I also learned that was back in said location with the AP this weekend.


Words and actions. The words really don't pass muster, but let's pretend for the sake of argument that they're super-compelling. Actions tell the truth. He's still in OW's vicinity and he's sending flying monkeys in order to manipulate you.

Good job ignoring. He's most likely going to continue trying to get a meeting with you though. You might start working on some canned responses and brush-offs. Eventually, he's going to show up at your door, right? Be prepared for that by making sure you have your door ring working and maybe a VAR in handy reach. If he catches you off guard, gray rock is best; short, to the point, and unemotional. If it comes to that, your next step would be sending him an NC letter, whereby you let him know that continued contact is unwanted and that he can take up any concerns about the divorce with his attorney. The temptation to remind him WHY you filed for D will likely be huge, but the fact is that he already knows what he did. Hell, he knows more about it than you do. Getting you talking and getting you emotional serves HIS purpose. At minimum, it gives him centrality and kibbles, and at maximum, he figures he can love bomb his way back into your life.

Believe me, I've got nothing against reconciliation. But it takes a helluva lot more than the self-centered bullshit efforts you've seen so far. This guy should be on his own, living like a monk, going to therapy and reading self-help books like it was his full-time fucking JOB to get better. He should be writing you tomes about how fucked up he was and how badly he wants to change, but he can't even compose a simple text message without his raging narcissism doing back-flips right in the middle of it. The bottom line is that if he ever does become genuinely remorseful, you will SEE the difference.

For right now, prepare for more bullshit. I don't think he's done yet. duh

posts: 4574   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8690598
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 8:01 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Lay low hun, I smell financial difficulties in the air and it's wafting from the direction of POSWH.

Hoovering lies are sometimes as cheesy as the cheating coverup lies, psych yourself up and be mentally ready for the flip from "I love you" to "[enter hateful slur here]" when you won't hear him out.

Maintain NC and offer no help, if you feel yourself slipping even if it's out of outrage, visit here or re-read one of the good books like 'cheating in a nutshell', validate why you are NC and cutting this POS out of your life for good. You've got this!

You might start working on some canned responses and brush-offs. Eventually, he's going to show up at your door, right? Be prepared for that by making sure you have your door ring working and maybe a VAR in handy reach.

I second this, if there are issues that you somehow are the solution no one is going to give you much peace, plan plan plan!!

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 8:04 AM, Tuesday, September 28th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8690600
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:27 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

No contact w/ him & his family and friends is your best strategy.

The text from his sister is clearly focused on him and his pain and NOT the pain he caused by cheating and lying etc.

If he does see you in person and you are unprepared then I suggest this approach. It works like a charm and annoys the hell out of people.

Chance encounter - let him talk. Give him a few minutes to ramble on. Say nothing!!!! Just let him have a few moments to try and say more ridiculous things and lie.

Then just look at him snd say "I’m sorry but I really have to run" and WALK AWAY. That will torture him b/c you provided no acknowledgment for anything he said and you summarily dismissed him.

He will hate that. And he won’t know what to do as he’s left standing there.

I did this to a serial cheater who tried to lovebomb me when I was 21 (after I ended it). In a crowded restaurant no less. I just let him ramble on and on and sat and ate my meal. He finally asked after 20 minutes of lies and bullshit if I had anything to say. I just looked at him and said "your lunch is getting cold". He stood up and stormed out. laugh

I suggest the same for the STBXH as he continues to lie and try to put you in the role of the OW (as he continues to cheat).

Love your strength and resolve.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:29 AM, Tuesday, September 28th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10705   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690605
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 11:49 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

The1stWife I love that tactic! Your story made me laugh. I have one too:

(Suspected) cheater wants to meet up 2 years after we split. I go because… well my life is amazing at that point and I want to see what he wants. We meet in a bar. He spends 30 min, I am not exaggerating, going on and on and on about what an idiot he’s been, how he shouldn’t have let go of me, the greatest woman on earth (the suspected AP dumped him at that point), blah blah blah. Literally 30 min of hearing how I am the most amazing thing and he fucked up and he wants me back.

He then stops and asks me "how have you been, any news?" To which I reply "yes, I’m getting married next week". 😁

Venus I followed your story because you are inspiring, your strength is fantastic.

The fact that the POS is trying to get you back without actually putting in any substantial effort doesn’t surprise me one bit. His sister’s text though, it made me angry, WTAF?! HIS hardship? Emotional blackmail "if you felt anything for him"? Where was she when he did what he did to you? When did she say to him "if you felt anything for her please stop torturing her"?

Some people go through life completely unaware, oblivious to other people’s harm, entitled jerks. Your exSIL is one of those people. Cut her off completely, she doesn’t even deserve a response.

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1385   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8690607
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 1:10 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

"Is there any chance we can fix us at all or are we done for good? Been thinking a lot about you. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through."

************************

"I know your counselor told you to not communicate with me, but it would be really nice if we could try and meet up for dinner to chat about some things. I know you don't want to change your mind and may not want to work through things, but I know I put you through hell and I'd just like to talk. I love you and hope to talk to you soon."


Interesting the difference between message one and message two. It's like he is offering a few more crumbs without actually telling you anything... it's just a talk...it's just dinner to chat...
I am so proud of you for keeping NC. It can't be easy but breaking NC will be so much worse for you at this stage of the game.

Yeah, the sister's message would piss me off too. I'd want to reply something like... I feel uncomfortable getting involved and feel the best way to support her brother is to allow him to live the life he so desperately fought for six months ago. Don't actually reply this way... it's just one of those things that feels good writing out.

Crazy that she is trying to guilt you into "saving him." She is only pretending not to know what when on six months ago. You know she heard his side of everything and that's why she chose not to get involved.

From her message, it does sound like he is getting desperate...but it does seem more like a "save me" than an I really messed up and only want your forgiveness type of message. Heck, his message even says... I know I put you through hell... let's have dinner... He might try to step things up... do you know what you will do if he shows up at your house?

Continue NC with both of them and any other monkeys that fly by.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8690615
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:48 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Love that story Luna10! You are the best thing and he was stupid for blowing it - he just didn’t realize you were smarter than him and never going to fall for his lies again!!!

Another thing that worked — learned this in retail. Customer is angry and yelling. You just stand there snd don’t say a word. Let them rant and rave &/or vent.

When they get done you just look at them and say "how can I help you?"

They get even more irate and just don’t know what to do after that b/c they are looking for a a fight and you are not playing their game. 🤣😂🤣

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10705   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690618
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 2:22 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Great advice here. Apparently your WH is feeling some consequences. Not your problem. He may be trying to hoover you back in or just an effort to make himself feel better about his horrible behavior if you can chat and be friends. Doesn't matter. It's still about him. Never a sincere word from him or his family about you. Keep up the no contact and be ready for an escalation. You are doing great.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:40 PM, Tuesday, September 28th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2823   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8690623
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Walkthestorm ( new member #72157) posted at 2:39 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

My take is that he is in financial trouble of some kind. I don't think he is asking for a second chance based on his text, sisters text and voice mail.

He want's to meet up and burry the hatches so he can ask for something. Amendment to the separation agreement maybe. Have you sign some papers so he is approved for a loan? Who knows but not your problem.

If you don't want to be bothered by him I would have my lawyer draft a NC letter and block his whole family.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8690625
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 5:46 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

You're doing so great and have gotten lots of great advice. He's either hoovering for attention or needs something financially. Ignore ignore ignore. Not your problem. I would suggest never speaking to that wicked sister in law again. How horrid can a person be!?!?!?

But,do you have e a person you can call if he shows up? I would not answer the door and have someone come over and ask him to leave. If he became aggressive, call the police but starting with someone who you can call who can come over and say please leave would be best. You have no reason to deal with him face to face and you should avoid giving him what he wants (your attention) at all costs.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 5:47 PM, Tuesday, September 28th]

posts: 133   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8690660
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 6:21 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Venus,

When will the divorce be finalized? The sooner you can completely block your STBXH and his toxic family, the better. I cannot believe what your SIL texted you - it must be infuriating. Continue going NC and prepare for your STBXH to try to visit you. He wants something, likely financial, so just prepare yourself.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8690671
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 8:09 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

"Hey sis, you said you would take care of my brother no matter what happens. He is in real hardship right now and said he has been trying to reach out to you and you have refused to answer or reply to anything from him. If you felt anything for him, can you please try to reach out to him? I would greatly appreciate it."

OMG. She can just fuck ALLLLLLL the way off with that bullshit. Wooooooow.

And what a weenie your stbxwh is - poor wittle sad sausage making his sister fight for him. And if things are a 'hardship' for him, he has no one but his damn self to blame. I cannot EVEN.

No contact. NOOOOOOOOO CONTACT Venus. Because NO response is the most powerful response you can give them. Block all of them on all the things, I promise you won't regret it.

You're doing great Venus. Get the D finalized and move on and your life will do nothing but improve. Hugs honey.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3170   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8690699
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Lol, I’d be tempted to reply to stbx SIL and say that he’s found the AP to take care of him so why not go and pester her? tongue

Just kidding. Keep up the no-contact. You’re doing great! Apparently it’s bothering them a lot that you’re not giving them the time of day.

posts: 272   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8690705
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:29 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Apparently it’s bothering them a lot that you’re not giving them the time of day.

I agree Forks027

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10705   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690707
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:12 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Venus- You are doing so well with NC and have come a long way. I applaud you on your efforts and I think you'll be able to get through with many of the rollercoaster of emotions than many on this site that waffle between limbo and hope. Limbo just delays your exit from infidelity, but your attitude towards closure and getting away from your WH is certain to expedite your flight out of this debacle.

Do not answer the EX or his sister. They certainly weren't interested in helping you or being there when you needed them the most, but oh poor is me now, I say screw em.

His text messages are not of someone who wants to get back with you. He is looking for you to save him from his shit mistakes, when that was all you were asking for early on. Texting you while probably still sleeping with the AP??? barf Disgusting behavior and cake eating as well. He's looking for a soft landing, and what did he provide you?

Stay NC, let them deal with the fallout on their side. Its no longer your problem, as you're quickly moving on and getting away from this shit family. Good on you.

posts: 1173   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8690718
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 4:41 AM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Your WH’s VM was pathetic, but your former SIL’s text is enraging. Stay no contact, neither of them are worth a second of your time. Although 1st Wife’s example is also appropriate lol.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 4:43 AM, Wednesday, September 29th]

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8690797
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SpeedBump ( member #69198) posted at 12:46 AM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Venus, I'm just here to say that I am so fucking proud of you.

posts: 161   ·   registered: Dec. 20th, 2018   ·   location: Europe
id 8691481
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

it would be really nice if we could try and meet up for dinner to chat about some things.

xWH tried this on me too, just wanted to "talk about things." I told him there wasn't anything to talk about and I didn't want to meet up for anything. Felt good to stand my ground! Stay strong, you're doing great!

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8691558
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