SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You were prepared for this and you are standing up to him.

You rock!!!

For six months he devalued and discarded. However, since I got back from my vacation, my WX has emailed, called, and sent flowers multiple times!

We all knew this was coming. It's actually sooner than I expected. So, so impressed that you see it for what it is (Hoovering) and are maintaining NC.

The emails, voicemails, and flower notes are they "How are you doing?" type of messages "miss you." type messages or the basic this is what I did today type messages?

Doesn't really matter just wondering if it's hovering because things aren't going well for him and his Cam whore or hovering because he thinks it will help the divorce settlement or hovering because he needs two sources of ego kibbles... or fishing to see if he still has a plan B.

All because I have started to move on and have gone NC, he’s trying to suck me back in and get some of that narcissistic supply! He can’t stand not being able to control the situation and clearly wants or needs something from me, even though he goes back to the AP who he fancies himself “in love” with. Cake eater!

Good on ya for not being taken in by that. You're right, it's classic. The guy might as well have a neon sign on his forehead, right? Once you SEE, you can't un-see.

I'm so proud of you... and happy that you're moving on in your life. It's NOT an easy thing to do. But you just keep on going like the Energizer Bunny and look at you grown and adapted. Be really proud of yourself. You're a remarkable person and your dipshit x-narc is such a loser for not seeing what is so clear to the rest of us. I hope you'll keep checking it an keep us updated.

Venus- I read your thread before registering and I was and am so supremely impressed by you. As a silent reader I knew this was coming and like Freeme, it’s sooner than I expected Perfect staying NC.

Bumping this thread for a newbie

It's been about three weeks since my last post. Thought I'd give you a little update.

You'd all be proud -- maintaining no contact with my STBWX and staying strong since my last post! Sticking to my mantra that he's no longer allowed in my head / heart. It takes practice, but I'm trying to let go a little bit each and every day.

I do a lot of journaling to support my healing. And I really wanted to share something that I wrote recently. Maybe it will help the newbies or people in a similar phase as me. It's called "This Year".

This year I welcomed grief into my home. 
I welcomed depression and anxiety as if they were always meant to sit comfortably with me. 
This year I learned that breathing in itself is almost impossible when your spirit and heart has been broken by the one you love. 
This year I learned that the people you love and trust wholeheartedly can discard you. Dismiss you. Devalue you. Cheat on you. Abandon you. 
This year I learned that I have been manipulated for years to serve an agenda. Lied to. Abused. Gas-lighted. Put down. That abuse was a form of "love" for me. 
This year I learned that you can’t pour from an empty cup. My cup has been empty for years and I learned that is what was killing me. 
This year pain became my best friend. 

But (one of my waywards favorite words that I can now use!) -
This year I also learned the word "narcissist" and what it means.
To set boundaries!
To love myself and to know my worth. 
To never settle for anything less than I deserve. 
To say no. To say no again, and again, and again.
To be ok with not being ok. 
To not give my trust or forgiveness too quickly. They need to be earned. 
To believe in myself.
Who my really friends are. 
To trust myself.
To be on my own. That I am a warrior and stronger than I ever thought I could be. 
To prioritize myself. Always. 
To walk away from toxic people and things. 
To be in the moment and embrace all the blessings. That my future is bright and full of joy and everything I deserve.  

This year reminded me that I am …A bad ass woman who is smart, funny, loving, compassionate, giving … and one hell of a catch!
And "he who shall not be named" made this all possible. For that I will forever be grateful.

I think I've come far in ~9 months! And I'm so thankful for all your support to get me there. Like the 'Voldemort' reference from Harry Potter. Yea, that's what he is!

Last contact from the STBWX was 10 days ago, so anticipate something this week based on his cyclical behavior! However, still no response to being served with the divorce. We are at about 75 days into the 90 day timeline (in my state), so mid-September may get a bit dicey. What I don't understand is for months it was "I hate you" and "I can't be married to you for one more second" and "You don't deserve my last name". But, when served it is radio silence on that front! WTH is that all about?

I do feel like I am operating in a 'numb' phase lately though. Anyone experience this? Three nights ago I dreamt about attending my STBWXs wedding to the AP. When I woke up I wasn't mad or sad and didn't cry. It's as if I'm exhausted and tired of everything dealing with him, but also the constant self-work can be a bit overwhelming too. You can't work on yourself everyday, so sometimes your brain even tells you to take a break.

Lastly, how often do we talk about karma? Well, I got a promotion this week! I'm so excited because it was incredibly important to me to not let my work/career be affected by all of this the past 9 months. I delivered and didn't let anything slip, all in parallel to doing self-care and consciously not overworking or working too many hours. But, also it is something I can celebrate for me without my STBWX. The first real thing just for ME!

Great news!

This is such great news!!! Congrats on all fronts. You rock!

As far as the STBXH - you instituted the D process. So while he wants to lie and cheat he expected you to remain in the same position— one where he had control.

Now he no longer has control and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t know what to do in this situation so he runs snd hides so to speak. He thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room so he’s not going to "play" — so he’s not responding to the D papers.

And his thought process is - how dare Venus1 D me!!

All I can say is 😂 ROFLMAO b/c he doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. It’s no longer the same Venus.

You rock!

Wonderful post. So proud of how well you are doing.

Thanks everyone! I am really proud of how far I've come since my first post. I could barely breathe and was a pile of tears on the floor in Jan. In the past 8-9 months, I've picked myself up, I've started to move forward and I'm starting to thrive.

I had the realization last night that getting my promotion is one of the first things that I can celebrate just for ME! After all the jealousy he had about my career successes the past two years, the belittling he's done about my job since D-day (because he was always looking for a way to put me down), thinking what he does is 'more important' than me, etc., I can sit here and enjoy it! This is something I did and I did it despite everything going on. And I can give the virtual 'F-YOU' in the process!

That's the best revenge with Narcs right? Being happy, living my true authentic self, kicking @ss and taking names, while he is unhappy, settling for a cam whore and circling the drain.

@The1stWife -

Are you serious!? He is running with his tail in-between his legs because he can't get his way? What a coward! Poor baby -- the five year old is showing up to the party again. And you are 100% right! I'm not the same person I was back in December. I'm someone who has boundaries like a MF and am someone to be reckoned with.

Wow... with every new post, you just sound better and better. I'm so proud of you.

I do feel like I am operating in a 'numb' phase lately though.

Are you sure it numbness? When you consider things like this...

After all the jealousy he had about my career successes the past two years, the belittling he's done about my job since D-day (because he was always looking for a way to put me down), thinking what he does is 'more important' than me, etc.,

... maybe it's relief?? This guy put you through the ringer, that's true. But the march toward discard is a long one, and as the drama fades, details like this one above start re-emerging, so that you can remember how he really treated you on the regular. DDAy feel like an emergency. The relationship is going up in flames, you become desperate to save it, you've never loved your WS more, and these everyday interactions fade into the background noise. But now, the drama is mostly over and there's the passive-aggressive contempt you had been dealing with all along, and suddenly, remarkably... it's off your plate. Not your circus, not your monkey.

Maybe you're not numb? Maybe you're just glad.

A week and a half ago I survived a major milestone ... "what would have been" my 14th wedding anniversary.

The night before I cried for about an hour in anticipation of the day. It felt like my marriage was ending all over again, and even though I knew this was a big 'day' to get through emotionally and I did what I could to prepare, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I sobbed like I did the night I confronted my STBWXH and questioned every decision I have made since. I woke up on the day feeling so low. Not being able to think of anything else except how drastically my life has changed in 9 months! It's changed for the better in many ways, but the loss has been huge. Loss of my best friend, my marriage, my husband, friends, family, sense of security / safety, etc. and the work it has taken to pick myself back up. I know I'm a warrior, but I'm tired!

Around lunchtime I decided enough was enough and took a half day from work to do some self-care. I got a manicure, pedicure and shoulder / head massage at a local salon. Then met up with some girlfriends for dinner / drinks. They marked the day my 'freedom' anniversary and we talked about the wonderful life I will have now that I am making my way out of infidelity and narcissistic abuse. I'm so glad I re-framed the day just for me! A technique I highly recommend for anyone.

I left the day feeling re-energized and feeling strong. Thinking about how light I feel 9 months out, how proud I am for coming this far, daydreaming about the travel and adventure I'll have in my future. Fast forward to last Friday when I got a text message from my STBWXH.

Here's the text: "Is there any chance we can fix us at all or are we done for good? Been thinking a lot about you. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through."

I had to read it about 20 times before I could actually believe what I was reading. And then I cried and cried and cried!

Now, this is the first "I'm sorry" that I've gotten from my STBWXH since January. Although we all know a 'general apology' is a half@ss attempt at one and doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. After I stopped crying, it made me so angry that he so casually texted me an apology that I've been owed for nine months, likely thinking that I'd just accept it. It made me realize that he still doesn't get it! He doesn't understand that he didn't just commit adultery or break up with me. He broke my heart, betrayed me, used me, manipulated me, was horribly cruel the past 9 months, lied to me more times than I can count, and yes, cheated. Not to mention that last I heard early Sept, he's still with the AP.

The next thing that jumped out at me was the comment about if 'we can fix us at all'. As if it is me that needs to fix our marriage or our relationship. How about you show me proof that you are fixing yourself first before I even consider breaking no contact and interacting with you in any fashion. With those five words I can't help but think that he still blames me somehow for how this has all played out.

And in my anger I also couldn't help but think, "I bet you are thinking of me"! Is the grass not as green as you thought it would be? Did you and the AP have your first fight? The sex not as new and exciting as it was this time last year? Did life get a little too real with the AP and you are remembering how good of a wife I was? Are you short of money? Why exactly do you miss me?

Now, I suspected that things could crash and burn eventually between him and the AP (given how they met) and what type of person she is. But, could this be a sign of that or is he trying to get me hooked back in so he can walk away from her? Or maybe have me as the AP? UGH.

And then I went down the rabbit hole (again) of second guessing all my decisions the last 9 months. I wish I knew why BSs second guess choosing themselves when faced with a non-reconcilable situation. It's so counter-intuitive, yet there I was questioning if I made the right choice. I think we hold on to hope that they will come around or change or learn from their mistakes. But, the reality is that the type of change and behaviors we need to see rarely happen. And God knows I'll never forget some of the things he's said, done or the fact that he's essentially lived and laid with another woman, starting a brand new life / clean slate at my expense.

But, I do miss him! God, I hate that I do. I know the love you have for someone doesn't go away in a short 9 months, it means what I felt was real. But, it hurts so badly. I know I'll be stronger for everything that has happened, but I don't think the scar from it will ever heal.

I think you’ve clearly made the right decision.

Methinks that the latest contact was because he and old schmoopie he’s supposedly in love with are not quite getting along at the moment

But in all seriousness, what you’re feeling now is normal. Gently, you’re 9 months out. You’ve made great strides, but you will have bouts where it all comes back in full force. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Let yourself feel the pain, as awful and hard as it sounds, but it’s better than suppressing it.

And you may not believe it now, but the scar will heal. In time.

If you’re feeling weak and want to respond to him, read back through this thread and remember everything he’s said and done. How he even said he hated your voice. He absolutely realizes that the grass isn’t greener. Stay strong. He’s not sorry for what he’s done, it just obviously didn’t work with the AP. He wouldn’t be coming back otherwise. This is true karma.

It's okay to be sad Venus. There's a grieving process that you go through with a divorce that just takes time. And it circles back around on itself too. My D was final 12/2019, and I had a sobbing meltdown a few weeks ago about how I just can't believe my xwh did that to me. I can't believe that he ended our 9 years together for a fucked up teenager. Grief is tricky like that.

It's okay to second guess things too. That's human.

But the best part of this is... you didn't take the bait from him. Instead of breaking NC or giving him another chance, you immediately saw through that and asked all the right questions about his motivation (which is shady AF and completely self-serving on his part IMHO). That is HUGE and shows how incredibly far you have come in the last 9 months. Good job my friend!!

Just keep swimming and stay NC. The grief lessens. And yes there will be a scar, but that pain gets better too with time. Keep making choices that serve you and this new life you're crafting for yourself. And as soon as the D is done, block that fucker on everything so you can't get those kinds of texts from him again. That helped me immensely with mine. You got this, even if it sometimes feels like you don't!

You cannot fix stupid. And he did such a stupid thing that it just blows my mind. He picked a girl who shows her self to the public on the Internet and thought he was in love. That’s what blows my mind. Why her? I think he’s gone off the deep end. You were the rope holding him above water and she sunk him like a stone. What did he win in this crazy year? He won a woman who has absolutely no shame in exposing herself to strangers. That is who he’s won.

By distancing yourself from him you have found yourself. Of course you are sad. You spent all of your adult life with him and made plans with him. Unbeknownst to you he was another person under the surface. I doubt she’s the first and I cannot imagine what in the hell possessed him to look online at that. Tells you a lot about who he knows he really is. He wants to fix the two of you? How does he think that’s possible? He is suppose to erase the last year? Not much between the ears but stupid.

At least you see him for who he is NOW and not who he once was.

That is progress.

I'm sorry, Venus. This is so predictable narc behavior.

He is still the same person who said all of those awful things to you. He is still the person who watched you hurt and twisted the knife because you were standing in the way of his new lurrrrve interest - a woman who charges money to look at her lady bits. Ew. Gross. Classy!

I'm positive he's either stuck financially or isn't getting along in his new online whore with kid situation.

Stick to the no contact and watch him switch back to angry when he doesn't get what he wants, whether that's your attention or perceived longing for him, money or otherwise.

One thing we know for sure is he doesn't want you back because he loves and cares about you. He might love and care about a need you filled for him. But if he cared about anyone but himself, he could never ever have done what he did. And he sure wouldn't be asking how "we" could fix his fucked up-ness. You know this though and you saw right through it!

You should be so proud of yourself for immediately seeing right thru his message!!!! It's normal to feel sad and hurt and cry. Be kind to yourself. You're kicking ass so far.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 5:53 PM, Monday, September 20th]

Venus, you have really done a great job and have come a long way.

Stay NC with your ex. His text mean nothing, after the way he treated you and lied to your face. He is a NARC, and silent treatment is a reverse fuck you to them. Now he can feel the discard on his side. Make no mistake though, even though they are unhappy people, he will quickly move on. If he breaks up with his camwhore, he will move on to someone else.

you just need to keep moving yourself forward. Healing takes time, and 9 months is still early.

Here's the text: "Is there any chance we can fix us at all or are we done for good? Been thinking a lot about you. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through."

I had to read it about 20 times before I could actually believe what I was reading. shocked And then I cried and cried and cried!

Now, this is the first "I'm sorry" that I've gotten from my STBWXH since January. Although we all know a 'general apology' is a half@ss attempt at one and doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. After I stopped crying, it made me so angry that he so casually texted me an apology that I've been owed for nine months, likely thinking that I'd just accept it. It made me realize that he still doesn't get it! He doesn't understand that he didn't just commit adultery or break up with me. He broke my heart, betrayed me, used me, manipulated me, was horribly cruel the past 9 months, lied to me more times than I can count, and yes, cheated. Not to mention that last I heard early Sept, he's still with the AP.

The next thing that jumped out at me was the comment about if 'we can fix us at all'. As if it is me that needs to fix our marriage or our relationship. How about you show me proof that you are fixing yourself first before I even consider breaking no contact and interacting with you in any fashion. With those five words I can't help but think that he still blames me somehow for how this has all played out.

And in my anger I also couldn't help but think, "I bet you are thinking of me"! Is the grass not as green as you thought it would be? Did you and the AP have your first fight? The sex not as new and exciting as it was this time last year? Did life get a little too real with the AP and you are remembering how good of a wife I was? Are you short of money? Why exactly do you miss me?

Well done. You're lonely and you're hurt, but your critical thinking is still EXCELLENT. I'm so proud of you for seeing through all that.

That message was clearly about HIM. If you supply your own empathy and you imagine what it might be like to be your WH and how he might act if he really was fully remorseful about what he had done, that text is NOT what you would come up with. It wouldn't be a text message he came up with in two minutes time, one whose verbiage declares "WE can fix...". No. Maybe it would be a heartfelt letter which apologizes and accounts for every way he has wronged you, something which would say what it is he misses about you and why he messed that up. It would be something which lays it all on the line and holds nothing back, right? He wouldn't be protecting himself or his ego. His ego would be broken over what he had done and most of all... how he had treated you.

You were wise to see through this. I know it hurts and I know you're lonely, so that makes it harder. But that text message reeked of pride still, narcissistic pride. When a truly repentant WS realizes their foolishness, when they snap back into reality, it hits them like a ton of bricks. They don't just test the water while keeping their pride intact. They're broken from what they've done. You would know it if you saw it. It's not just crocodile tears and snot-bubbled promises to change. The repentant WS despises what they have become and will strive to change no matter what you decide because they just can't stand being that person anymore.