A week and a half ago I survived a major milestone ... "what would have been" my 14th wedding anniversary.
The night before I cried for about an hour in anticipation of the day. It felt like my marriage was ending all over again, and even though I knew this was a big 'day' to get through emotionally and I did what I could to prepare, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I sobbed like I did the night I confronted my STBWXH and questioned every decision I have made since. I woke up on the day feeling so low. Not being able to think of anything else except how drastically my life has changed in 9 months! It's changed for the better in many ways, but the loss has been huge. Loss of my best friend, my marriage, my husband, friends, family, sense of security / safety, etc. and the work it has taken to pick myself back up. I know I'm a warrior, but I'm tired!
Around lunchtime I decided enough was enough and took a half day from work to do some self-care. I got a manicure, pedicure and shoulder / head massage at a local salon. Then met up with some girlfriends for dinner / drinks. They marked the day my 'freedom' anniversary and we talked about the wonderful life I will have now that I am making my way out of infidelity and narcissistic abuse. I'm so glad I re-framed the day just for me! A technique I highly recommend for anyone.
I left the day feeling re-energized and feeling strong. Thinking about how light I feel 9 months out, how proud I am for coming this far, daydreaming about the travel and adventure I'll have in my future. Fast forward to last Friday when I got a text message from my STBWXH.
Here's the text: "Is there any chance we can fix us at all or are we done for good? Been thinking a lot about you. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through."
I had to read it about 20 times before I could actually believe what I was reading. And then I cried and cried and cried!
Now, this is the first "I'm sorry" that I've gotten from my STBWXH since January. Although we all know a 'general apology' is a half@ss attempt at one and doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. After I stopped crying, it made me so angry that he so casually texted me an apology that I've been owed for nine months, likely thinking that I'd just accept it. It made me realize that he still doesn't get it! He doesn't understand that he didn't just commit adultery or break up with me. He broke my heart, betrayed me, used me, manipulated me, was horribly cruel the past 9 months, lied to me more times than I can count, and yes, cheated. Not to mention that last I heard early Sept, he's still with the AP.
The next thing that jumped out at me was the comment about if 'we can fix us at all'. As if it is me that needs to fix our marriage or our relationship. How about you show me proof that you are fixing yourself first before I even consider breaking no contact and interacting with you in any fashion. With those five words I can't help but think that he still blames me somehow for how this has all played out.
And in my anger I also couldn't help but think, "I bet you are thinking of me"! Is the grass not as green as you thought it would be? Did you and the AP have your first fight? The sex not as new and exciting as it was this time last year? Did life get a little too real with the AP and you are remembering how good of a wife I was? Are you short of money? Why exactly do you miss me?
Now, I suspected that things could crash and burn eventually between him and the AP (given how they met) and what type of person she is. But, could this be a sign of that or is he trying to get me hooked back in so he can walk away from her? Or maybe have me as the AP? UGH.
And then I went down the rabbit hole (again) of second guessing all my decisions the last 9 months. I wish I knew why BSs second guess choosing themselves when faced with a non-reconcilable situation. It's so counter-intuitive, yet there I was questioning if I made the right choice. I think we hold on to hope that they will come around or change or learn from their mistakes. But, the reality is that the type of change and behaviors we need to see rarely happen. And God knows I'll never forget some of the things he's said, done or the fact that he's essentially lived and laid with another woman, starting a brand new life / clean slate at my expense.
But, I do miss him! God, I hate that I do. I know the love you have for someone doesn't go away in a short 9 months, it means what I felt was real. But, it hurts so badly. I know I'll be stronger for everything that has happened, but I don't think the scar from it will ever heal.