SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Venus,

You said

I do get the impression that my STBXWH is having money issues, as he keeps mentioning that he is 'broke' or needs to sell his truck to make ends meet. Having a dual income helped support his ability to do things and have toys, and I don't think he really thought his actions through before hand and what the overall impact would be to his finances.

Please use this to your advantage. Your STBXH may be willing to take less money up front if he can get it now. I'm sure you've spoken to your lawyer, but use this leverage to get the best deal possible (no access to your retirement, less $$$ from potential house sale, etc.). You may be able to refinance the house and keep it while paying him a smaller amount to go away NOW. Good Luck!

I agree with the above poster. You might be able to pull off something major - no retirement for an acceptable amount of money up front.

You make more money than he does. Do you have anyway of know how his business is doing? Is there a chance that he's been ignoring it and focused on cam girl?

I've noticed that your WH temper tantrums revolve around money. Back when you seperated and gave him a spreadsheet of how you were splitting financials (50/50) he freaked.

He met his married "girlfriend" on a interactive porno website. He visited her several times ...Chances are he paid for these visits. Right?

I get that he is used to being in a dual income marriage but could he have been over spending prior to seperation? Prior to you finding out about the affair? Taken out cards in just his name...?

Do you find it strange that hes having trouble making ends meet? Is his income that low? or do you think he's over spending?

You don't really need to answer these questions. I do think you should look at ways of giving him more upfront but keeping more for yourself in the long run.

Love, love, love that you went on a vacation and are taking good care of yourself.

He knows he will get sympathy from me because I am a caretaker, that in the past I would be sympathetic and would do anything for him. He can use that to his advantage, so I need to tread lightly. It's tough though to not believe he is hurt and sad, despite what he says, as he has gone through a loss too. But, he does have those narc tendencies and therefore I feel like I can't believe anything he says or does. God, old habits really do die hard!

I do get the impression that my STBXWH is having money issues, as he keeps mentioning that he is 'broke' or needs to sell his truck to make ends meet. Having a dual income helped support his ability to do things and have toys, and I don't think he really thought his actions through before hand and what the overall impact would be to his finances. But, this is what he wanted, right? To go our separate ways, be single, to go 'find himself'? He's gotta take the good with the bad.

So, here's an accountability exercise... draw up a contract with yourself FOR yourself swearing that you will NEVER feel sorry for your STBX again. ie. "I, Venus1, do hereby solemnly swear that I will never be sorry for my STBXdirtbag and I will never exercise sympathy as he reaps the consequences of his incredibly offensive choices.". Really go to town on it. Cross-stitch it and get it framed. Whatever it takes.

Your STBX is going to be miserable, because when you look at his choices, he's choosing misery. Think about it. Cam-whores aren't always in it just for the flattery and ego kibbles they get from strange men. The majority of them are looking for a payday and lacking in job skills. You can reasonably assume that your STBX didn't find a neurosurgeon to exchange crotch pics with, right?

So, his standard of living is going down. He's going to whine and bitch about it, but it was HIS choice and he made it; over, and over, and over again. There's nothing for you to feel bad about, so promise yourself... and all of us if it helps... that you won't.

((hugs))

When I told my H he left me with no choice but to D at dday2- I no longer cared what happened to him.

Just like the day he stepped over me sobbing on the floor of my bedroom to go to a party the day after Dday1.

You have to realize the cheater is your enemy - the worst kind of enemy. Wolf in sheep’s clothing so to speak.

A lot has happened since I last posted! Some good and some … well you know!

First, I LOVED my little mini-trip. Loved it so much that I decided to do it again Memorial Day week at the end of the month. It honestly was the best thing I could have done for myself and the timing was ideal. Here’s why …

One morning I was sitting out on the balcony drinking some hot chocolate, overlooking the water, watching the sail boats coming in and out of the bay, listening and watching the otters / sea lions. For the first time since New Year’s Day (D-day) I felt happy and at peace. I wanted to get away and take time for myself to do some self-reflection and as I sat there I realized that no matter what, I would be ‘ok’. I cried happy tears because I felt like the future was possible and I realized that I don’t need my STBWXH to be happy, to feel peace, to be content with my life. It was so empowering knowing deep down in my heart that I’ll be ok, even though surviving this feels almost impossible most days.

Immediately upon getting home, I decided to complete all the required paperwork for disclosure! For those of you who have gone through D in CA, it’s a nightmare pulling all the supporting documentation. It takes A LOT OF TIME. I’ve been avoiding it BIG time … partly due to denial that any of this has actually happened and partly due to the stress knowing how much work it is. I cried sending everything over, but I did it. My trip reminded me that I’m done with my STBWXH taking any more of my energy. I’m just ‘done’.

Even though I knew D was the right path 2 months ago in my mind, my heart has taken a big ‘catch up’ step! Let’s call it one step closer to indifference, one step closer to acceptance of that decision.

@Freeme / @BlueRasberry –I’m going to leverage his current concerns to my advantage. I’m ready to move forward with my life without him, and part of doing so is getting all those ducks in a row, doing all my own investigation / disclosure of what he has (and doesn’t know that I know he has if that makes sense), and get this stuff done. I know I’ll heal once he’s out of my life, so let’s do this.

@ChamomileTea – I also wrote out a few ‘accountability’ statements like you suggested and posted them on my wall. I read them every morning!

#1. I will never feel sorry for my STBXWH and I will never show him sympathy for the negative consequences of his bad choices and actions.

#2. Do not emotionally engage with your STBXWH. He is no longer worth your time / energy.

#3. The best is yet to come! The light at the end of this tunnel is brighter than you can ever imagine!

#4. Have the courage to choose yourself and fight for yourself every single day. You are 100% worth it! Never be anyone’s Plan B.

I tell ya, it’s helped wonders to get things framed differently in my mind.

@The1stWife – you said “You have to realize the cheater is your enemy – the worst kind of enemy. Wolf in sheep’s clothing so to speak.” This really hit home for me when my STBWXH lied to me … again. A surprise … no. But, I don’t understand what he gets by continuing this charade.

We were supposed to have our second asset separation discussion on 8May and he was going to pick some things up from the garage. However, he texted me the night before saying that something came up and he couldn’t make it and suggested we meet in a few weeks. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but let’s say after a chat with a good friend, I realized he was lying about why. And he ultimately proved … again … he is still a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

Long story short I texted my STBWXH on 8May to confirm a date in which we’d meet and he’d get his stuff from the garage. That we should have met as planned to keep things moving forward. His response was overly defensive, and as you’d expect, very angry. Such typical textbook narc behavior to simple question! My STBWXH said he was in the next town with a ‘client’ and how dare I ‘check in on him’, that things always have to be done on ‘my schedule’, and that he can’t understand what my rush is considering I can’t stand him. Of course he added some icing on the cake and told me he ‘hates me’ just for fun.

You’ve guessed it … he was in x location (where his AP lives) overnight on 8May. He could have been there for work, he’s gone there many times, but saying he was somewhere else with a client, admitting that he saw her during his prior trip to said location two weeks prior, the over reaction to a simple question … yea, I doubt it was an overnight last min trip for work. You can’t fool me! Because if you had nothing to hide, you would have said I have to go to X for a night and can’t meet up.

And ready for the breadcrumb …? The next day was Mother’s Day and I got a text from him saying that the dogs are so lucky to have me as their ‘mom’ and that I’ve always been so amazing to them. That he hoped I’d take time to celebrate. Yea right … you just know you overreacted the day before and are trying to smooth things over.

It’s amazing isn’t it? Back in Jan I was so focused on R and saving my marriage because I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Now I just listen to my STBWXH and think ‘lie, lie, lie’. It doesn’t even catch me off guard anymore because I expect it! And now I can’t imagine my life with him anymore. It scares me that I even considered staying, although I do understand why I wanted to. There is this big world out there waiting for me, and I think getting to that place is a big step in my healing.

One morning I was sitting out on the balcony drinking some hot chocolate, overlooking the water, watching the sail boats coming in and out of the bay, listening and watching the otters / sea lions. For the first time since New Year’s Day (D-day) I felt happy and at peace. I wanted to get away and take time for myself to do some self-reflection and as I sat there I realized that no matter what, I would be ‘ok’. I cried happy tears because I felt like the future was possible and I realized that I don’t need my STBWXH to be happy, to feel peace, to be content with my life. It was so empowering knowing deep down in my heart that I’ll be ok, even though surviving this feels almost impossible most days.

One of the things I found challenging in therapy was "finding a happy place". That sounds ridiculous, I know. It shouldn't be so hard to imagine something happy. But it was REAL work for me.

Look at you though, not only did you imagine something better, you made it happen. And now, that memory can be called back up whenever and wherever you need it.

So proud of you. You're a rock star in healing!

((hugs))

I'm happy hugging myself and saying "Yaassss!" out loud reading your update Venus. Omg so happy for you. SO FUCKIN HAPPY FOR YOU!

Just take the D stuff one step at a time. It's gonna suck logistically but every step is one step closer to done.

Would you consider getting a storage unit for whatever stuff he still has at your house? Then you wouldn't have to worry about seeing him at all.

Get it girl! You're amazing!

So happy for you Venus!!!I agree with Ellie maybe get a storage unit .I wonder if there's a way he would have to pay for it as well.Where I am at, the law for someone's shit in your house is 6 months after eviction I think? My husband had an ex roommate hoarder prior to when I met him that refused to pick up her shit.He had to serve her with eviction papers and such even though she didn't pay for anything then threw the shit away or gave it away.He showed me pictures it took three large truck container's to take her crap to the dump before he got his house clean.Can you ask your lawyer what your legal options are for his time frame with picking up his shit? He's still trying to maintain control and have you work on his schedule.Control again I say.If he has a legal obligation to pick his garbage up within a certain time frame and then it's yours to do with as you will. I would take advantage of that and let him know 'Your toys will be tossed on such and such a date if you don't pick them up!'Like what we tell our kids when they don't clean up after themselves.(Sorry but I see your ex like a child having a temper tantrum being stubborn and obstinate)Also looking into what the law is will protect you and let you know when you can have a bonfire with your friends watching it burn.(Good for closure.I have done this.)Maybe he will finally get off his ass and pick it up too.

I’m sorry you have to endure going through a D with such a childish person but you know you will be better off in the long run.

He just continues to show you he has no morals and no common sense either.

It is amazing how things change in only a matter of a few days! Long post, but …

I officially told the lawyer to file for D today!

It should be processed at the court in a few days.

This past weekend my STBWXH was out of town visiting his family. He is famous for sending me emails or texts the Mon / Tues following any trip he takes to engage and/or verbally / emotionally attack me over one thing or another. So, I did my best to emotionally prepare. Plus, these communications have changed slightly in recent weeks and I get the impression that his AP has been in his ear and is influencing what he is doing / saying.

Like clockwork I got an email Tuesday morning. The email wrote out the 2 possible options for us to separate our assets and the tone was very threatening, blamed me for his ‘extreme financial hardship’ and was condescending. All designed to emotionally manipulate me and get a rise out of me. It came off as ‘you can choose out of these two options – or else’. Although, the one option I was actually quite onboard with.

In addition, he said he wanted to be friends, that all I want is for him to walk away ‘hurt and crippled’, that even though I don’t believe him this wasn’t an exit affair, and that he wants me to ‘move on in a healthy and positive way'. Every aspect of the email was a lie, a charade, a way to make himself feel better, and quite frankly --- total bullsh!t!

Then, today I got another email from him! My intent was to respond to Tuesday's email (asset discussion only, no response to his poor me emotional crap), following consultation with my lawyer. But I never got the chance. And there was SO MUCH in this second email to digest. The blame game, the emotional manipulation, and the lack of responsibility and deflection on me in this email --- astounding!

Long story short ---

My STBWXH early terminated his apartment lease today and told me he is moving out of state end-June. His plan is to keep his day job here and rent a room somewhere for very cheap locally, and then commute back to x location every weekend. A blessing that he will be moving (out of sight out of mind and easier to detach), but he's only 'sort of' moving (will likely become long term).

Now, his family lives in this state he’s moving to, but so does the AP (just in a city about 1.5 hours away). He said things like he “can't deal with being here emotionally and financially anymore”, and that it is so “incredibly difficult going down the road to work passing the house” knowing that he can’t be here, and how he just needs a ‘fresh start” with something else. That he has a lot of time to think about it when he was in x location last week. Now, I've suspected that he and his AP were setting a life up together because of what he'd say when I questioned him about her and if she was leaving her husband. And I was right.

My STBWXH informed me that his ‘time with the dogs has come to an end’ and I should assume full custody of the dogs starting end-June. I knew this was coming, as I knew he would tire of them because they have only been an inconvenience to him since we separated. He said, “the dogs are much happier with you over me anyways, so they will not miss coming to my place.” Hmph.

Some fun quotes for all of you to stew over!

“I'm just sorry for how things transpired and do wish it could be different. Had you done things differently I wouldn't have been swayed, and if I did things differently you wouldn't have been hurt.”

“Although you may think I'm running away, I'm just trying to preserve anything I have left in me right now, I'm scared about what it will be like in 6 months, 1 year from now. I just hope you realize that I do care for you, and I will always think back to you in the good times we have had. I promise not to intrude on your life or disturb things you want to do moving forward.”

Don’t you like how he said if “I” had done things differently he wouldn’t have swayed? That time is a ‘true healer’ (yea, that’s the AP talking, not him). OMG!

He is officially leaving me for the AP! We knew it was an exit affair SI, but it still stings. I did discover that my STBWXH is looking for a place with his AP in x location, and her 12-year-old son and her 2 dogs will be there too. The man that didn’t want kids is now going to be a step-daddy and he’s trading me / our dogs in for her / her dogs? Talk about surreal. And disgusting! But, he is scared of what it will be like for him in 6 months, a year? You are starting a new life with your gf and her son you jack@ss … leaving me behind and abandoning me after I gave you 16 years of my life! STOP lying and STOP trying to emotionally manipulate me. God, it makes me sick!

He of course had to throw in some bread crumbs like a typical narc too! "I'm grateful and appreciative of everything you have given me, the love, the support, the kindness and care. But as time has gone I needed something different, and started seeing things so very different. I really have been miserable, you haven't been the woman I married years ago and we have lost that connection.... I'm sorry that I made you hate me so, I want to remember the good times with you and I hope you don't speak ill of me for the rest of your life and can reflect on some of the better times too."

Yea, like you saying that makes all your bad behavior and your bad choices better or forgiven! No way!

So, it all just finally added up and I decided to file for D to officially to get the ball rolling. It’s a relief, but it’s also been a very emotional day. Lots of tears! And I figure I’ll be able to do NC now and grey-rock for every communication that is required. In fact, I was proud of myself for not even responding to his email today. In 30 days, he’ll move to x location, the dogs will be with me, and I can move on!

Why do I feel so sad though still? Ugh!

I’m sorry you are so sad and your life up-ended.

From your first post In January to now, he’s done nothing but blame you and show his selfish reasons for cheating. Sadly you cannot change that.

But your lack of response is admirable. Together with your ability to wade through his lies and see the reality of your situation — that is indicative of your strength.

I’m sorry it has come to this. But clearly he’s moved on and his emails are showing you how much of a coward he really is. And that speaks volumes.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

This is all you’re getting.

Definition of friend - loyal, honest, trustworthy.

Zero contact should be your goal. Learn that ignoring is a good thing.

I'm sorry that I made you hate me so,.....

Had you done things differently I wouldn't have been swayed, and if I did things differently you wouldn't have been hurt.”

This guy should write a how-to book for future cheaters struggling on how to focus their blame-shifting while trying their best to sound otherwise. This gets an award.

Venus I am so happy for you and the great future that lies ahead. The stress and insanity of dealing with a narc takes quite a toll, and to enter the rest of your like free of the weight and stench of that will be your rebirth.

I'm sorry, but congratulations on the rest of your life.

Yeah, I gotta admit that the way he bounced around in the letter made me think his AP was right there telling him what to say. "make sure she knows its her fault but... to be too mean you still need to get the papers signed."

The other thing that is really clear to me is that he is having money problems. I doubt that he has had to face these much before and he/she seem to want to blame you for them.

Just know that he isn't going to be "happy" with this new set-up. He either isn't going to be comfortable with his cam-girl working or he isn't going to be comfortable with her job. Either way he is going to need to support them.

For someone that didn't want kids a pre-teenage son is going to be difficult. Even the two dog... it sounds like yours were trained and well cared for... that makes a huge difference. He should be nervous...moving in closer to his parents... gotta wonder what they think of this new woman.

I know you have good reasons for not telling the OBS (clean divorce) but man I wish he knew. After it's all over please give him a call. Who knows, maybe he doesn't care, maybe she's done this a million times, maybe he's glad to pawn her off on your WH. There's always the chance that he is like one of the many BS that are fighting to save their marriage and don't understand why it's falling apart.

I'm glad you have filed. I'm glad that you are moving forward. I'm glad that he is moving far away. Once your able to block him and truly go NC things will get easier.

Stay strong.

In fact, I was proud of myself for not even responding to his email today.

Wanted to add: Wow! So proud of you for being able to not respond. It looks like he is the one that's having the NC problems. Sending two long emails so closely together and not hearing back... that must be killing him. Good work.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:34 AM, May 20th (Thursday)]

Oh my goodness, what a poor wittle narcmuffin. So mistreated. So misunderstood. So sad.

*smack*

SMH over here. Let me re-write that email for you... "Blahblahblah me. Blahblahblah me. Blahblahblah me. Me. Meeeeee. Mememememe."

What a fuckin tool.

It's okay to be sad Venus - divorce IS sad, even when it is absolutely the right thing. Just feel your feelings about it, but trust me when I say better days are definitely ahead for you!

Venus1,

Wow. I am impressed. You are really handling this well. It is completely natural to be sad since you truly loved and cared for a person that has betrayed you. In fact, it would be strange if you didn't feel sad. With your positive can do attitude, you will really start to heal once you go completely NC. Well done on starting the D process!

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 9:31 AM, May 20th (Thursday)]

EllieKmas I was thinking the same thing.Somebody call the waaambulance. Order him a tiny violin from Amazon and have it shipped to his current address.Or maybe crusty pants cam girls.She can play it while he drowns in his self imposed sorrow's.

The emotional rollercoaster of being the BS is so overwhelming! Some days I am so incredibly sad, other days I am so incredibly angry. But, every day I am just flat out exhausted. I truly wish WSs understood the damage that they do by choosing the selfish route of infidelity. I know WSs have their reason for choosing that path, but from a BS perspective, there is zero reason / explanation that would make this pain ‘worth it’.

Five months after D-Day, there are triggers – BIG ones. And I know there will continue being triggers for years to come. I get a glimpse of normal and feel at peace and then BOOM --- trigger! This week it was going through some boxes in the attic and coming across a letter my STBWXH sent me while he was deployed. How could the person I see in these letters be the person that is in front of me today? He says ‘I’ve changed’, but at least I’ve changed for the better over the years. This new person that he has changed into --- truly disgusting. I do get stronger every day, but some days I take those few steps backward.

Blame is the name of the game, lying is his ‘MO’, and not accepting responsibility is his favorite past time. My STBWXH really is a ‘poor little narcmuffin’, and it comes out in every communication, every action, every behavior. He should write a damn book about it. SI you all told me this would happen. You told me it would get worse before it got better. You told me that I'd see my STBWXHs 'rage' once I set hard boundaries and went grey rock/NC. You told me that he'd dig himself in even farther into the affair fog / abyss!

Here we are …

Since my last post I’ve been attacked verbally in an angry / rageful way, have been told to ‘use my brain’, to ‘f-off’, and called a b!tch more times than I can count. I’m glad my mom/dad heard him say these things to me (in a forced interaction that I couldn’t avoid via phone) and read them in his emails, because they now truly know how two faced and how cruel my STBWXH is to me, while being so fake to them. But, I didn't respond AT ALL in an emotional manner. Boy does he really HATE that! Even calling it out in his emails that he's having a hard time dealing with me not being emotional about this anymore. Um, maybe that's because I was emotionally supportive to you for 16 years and you just took that for granted you tool! I'm setting boundaries now and not giving you that support anymore. If you are having a difficult time, go cry to your gf --- she can have you and deal with you now.

And my STBWXH has gone rogue --- truly rogue! Expensive purchases, spending $ on hotel in said location where his AP lives to look for houses --- but he is ‘broke’? Luckily I’m protected! And all the while he continues to lie about things and believes he’s getting away with it. Not sure why I care that he lies to me still? It’s no longer a surprise that he does, but it does kinda sting.

I love how Marz said that the definition of a friend is when someone is ‘loyal, honest, trustworthy’. My STBWXH is NONE of these things. In fact, he is quite the opposite. He should be out of the house completely by 5June --- it can't come soon enough --- because why would I want this Narcmuffin to take up any more physical space in my house? He's not even a friend, so he's damn lucky I didn't put his stuff on the driveway and catch it on fire!

There are so many things I want to tell my STBWXH, but I can't. He's not going to be receptive to it and he will use it against me during the D. But, I know that relationships based on deceit and secrecy just DON'T work! And I do think that my STBWXH will crash BIG TIME and learn this the hard way with his AP! They may think that they are gonna live happily ever after, but reality will be a BIG awakening! And one day, I'll tell him 'I told you so'!

Since my last post I’ve been attacked verbally in an angry / rageful way, have been told to ‘use my brain’, to ‘f-off’, and called a b!tch more times than I can count.

Typical. I can't count how many times we've seen it, where the mask comes off as the reality of divorce sets in. Which is bizarre when you think about it, right? It's HIS discard. He's the one wanted out... and yet, they treat you like it's all your fault. Unbelievable. And I mean that. No one can be truly prepared for something like this because who would have ever believed it?

You sound good though... strong. And it's just a few more days until June 5th. Hopefully, he'll just take his shit and leave, but you do have to be prepared. Narcs like to have the last word, so chances are, there will be something left behind or tore up, or words said. We'll cross our fingers and hope he's had enough already.

You're right. Neither he or the bimbo cam-whore have had character transplants. All the unexorcised evil they've amassed is going with them wherever they go. And your STBX isn't going to be able to afford the nice lifestyle he had with you because people who resort to homemade porn don't typically have a great skill-set they can rely on instead. Here's the thing though, you really WILL reach "meh" on this guy and it's not going to take as long as you think. I'd venture that by the time he's miserable enough for your "I told you so", you will no longer care enough to deliver it.

((hugs))

If he soooooo damn happy with his “new life” why does he continue to contact you? Hmmmmmm..........

He’s lost control of you and the situation and he doesn’t like IT. It was fine when he had the ability to come to your home whenever he chose. But now that you stood up to him he doesn’t like being told “no”.

Be prepared for him to come crawling back when his “relationship “ doesn’t work out. As if you would even care about any of it.

I think you need to end any and all communication. Tell him or inform him he needs to speak to his attorney who can speak to your attorney. Period. No more communication is received from him.

It is what is best for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:31 AM, May 30th (Sunday)]