SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ugh, the one in Reconciliation too.

But no, I was talking about the one in General. Apparently we (BWs) need to STFU, and most of us don't even contribute to the conversation anyway. I wasn't aware of the rule requiring us to make all BH threads an echo chamber

I'm feeling defeated. If this is a widely held view of sexuality - and it seems to be, at least among men my age and older - dating is off the table for me. I already dealt with someone who was willing to lie through his teeth and live a double life, why would I trust that other men aren't doing the exact same thing?

It's a big part of the reason I will never use OLD. It's too damn transactional, it just sets people up to view dating/sex as a commodity way too easily. Every one of my friends tried it, and they were truly looking for connection, you know, online DATING. But all they ended up finding were a bunch of douchebags who didn't understand why they were upset when they acted like assholes entitled to sex, because "well it's Tinder, what did you expect?"

I've seen some of my guy friends when they were swiping, they may as well have been shopping from a catalogue, the whole idea of it grosses me out. It just feels like these apps gave predators a new, much easier forum for picking out their prey. They can have multiple irons in the fire at a time with minimal effort.

My XH was also using Tinder while we were together, so any OLD apps are just a huge trigger for me.

Ugh. Just, ugh.

WH and I spent the evening arguing. He thinks I should give us another chance to be a happy couple. See my tag line

No. He’s upset I told a surgeon no need to hurry on my hysterectomy because I have a dead bedroom. Boohoo poor cheater

I ordered the book “WHY DOES HE DO THAT? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

It was mailed to my old address where 23 yr old son resides with STBXWH.

So this past Monday DS opens parcel with my permission. DS spent the entire week reading and studying it contents.

Today DS visited to deliver my Book and bring my Puppy back home to me.

DS and I spent several hours with the Book and he pointed out the parts written about his Father. There’s a section for Abusive Men as Fathers.

Before DS left I asked if he was ok about Divorce. I was concerned that he will hate me if I Divorce his father. I was fearful of asking my adult children their thoughts and feelings.

DS Son exclaimed “HELL YEAH, YOU NEED TO DIVORCE THAT *******. We were confused by the BULL**** Reconciliation. WTF was that about”

My darling children get it. They won’t hate me after all.

STBXWH always told me that our children would never forgive me for Divorce. I told him that I felt that they lost respect for me in allowing him back into my life for fake Reconciliation.

Womenz, as usual I was right. He lied Again.

The book is an understanding tool for the future.

I am focusing on “How to get out of a relationship SAFELY 🙏🏼

EllieKMAS thanks girl! Rationally, I know ups and downs are part of the freaking journey but then a down hits me and I lose all sense of rationality.

29yearsagoBS thanks for the bear hug, no he's not close by but I'm going to sell the jewelry I got from him and his family as soon as possible, maybe buy some stocks (0 stock, was that you, lol?)

DaisyAnne thank you! Freaking rollercoaster hit me out of the blue, I was doing fine dor a really long time but I guess thats normal too.

Ool, the hugs, man, the hugs. The hair touching, the back caressing. Godd.

I dont think we ever get too old for hugs from our mum! I hope you have a nice trip home and you can get all the love and support from your family.

Like you, I too am wondering whether I will ever get the marriage (and the kids) I want. Think I might go back to IC, to work out my FOO and other issues, so I won't fall head over heals for the next guy that's doing the bare minimum.

Tallgirl, thank you for the hug, freaking social distancing makes dealing with this bullshit a lot harder!

Chaos, thank you, it made me smile a little when you said new friend

LadyG, I am so relieved for you that your DS supports you! Not only does he agree you should divorce STBXWH but he's also reading and studying the content. Sounds like a very supportive son!

On a very different topic: I'm solo travelling in Greece right now and had a ONS with a Greek guy I met on the beach. (I made sure to be safe and protected, my hotel not his, only 2 drinks so I am still clearheaded, condoms etc). Boy, was that disappointing! I think it was weird after having been with someone for 2,5 years and my ex knowing my body and exactly what I like and I was used to his body etc. And I also think this guy was generally just not a good bedpartner, he wouldn't know foreplay if it hit him in the head with a hammer! He was also very prickly because he had shaved his head and his chest! Why???

Made me miss my ex a little, then realized I was idealizing him and reminded myself of him turning away in bed to be on his phone instead of cuddling with me or him being lazy while pleasuring me after he was already finished.

[This message edited by Hedwig at 5:23 AM, July 12th (Sunday)]

Hedwig,

Fabulous idea!

I hope you make a killing on your stock!

I use the Stockpile app, buy a little here and there. Buy what you like (o for Orgasms! LOL)

REITs are Real Estate Investment Trusts. Those are good to own because they pay quarterly dividends by law!

They get a hefty tax advantage in return for distributing 90% of their profits to their stockholders

20yrsagoBS, I really have to educate myself on stocks and stuff, cause what you just said about REITS and Divideds sounds like mumbojumbo to me, lol.

WOMENZ!

So lovely to see that this thread is moving. Well, not lovely, because it usually means we are feeling like crap or have new members, but lovely because I do think of each of you often and love to "hear" your voices. I can always count on a giggle after some heartbreak on here.

I went back and read what I've missed and hopefully can catch it all.

(((GMC))) I know your heart has to be so heavy about your daughter. I know it's hard to watch our children struggle and have no control. Sending love and prayers for strength for you and your daughter.

((LadyG)) I can't imagine the difficulty of having been raped, much less having to maintain a relationship with someone who has repeatedly abused you. You are a such a strong woman! Thankful that your DS sees the abuse and supports you. Knowing you have the support of your children has got to be huge and I'm thrilled you have the kind of relationship where he feels safe enough to not only read that book but talk to you about it - what an awesome mom he must have!

((Faith)) Sorry you have to be here. If you haven't, check out the thread in here about people with same sex partners. There are others who can relate to your situation and might be able to give you some good advice for your path to healing.

Out of Love -It doesn't matter whether an affair is only emotional, only online, only with a BF, without kids, etc. A betrayal is just that. A betrayal. It makes your entire world break down and hurts us all. Comparing makes no difference. Your hurt is your hurt. I'm sorry you have to be here.

Hedwig - Yes, I miss my close friends and hugs. Video calls do not suffice and I have to stay 6 feet from my mom too. Air hugs suck!! Safe travels - I have always wanted to go to Greece - I hope this trip brings some healing too.

20yrs - I laughed out loud a few times. My MIL might die immediately if she saw porn in our house. Her precious children would NEVER. (Ha! If only she knew!)

HHADL - I can't even stomach those sex threads. It's the SAME people saying the SAME shit over and over and over. Triggers me AND pisses me off. I just stay out. Kinda like Facebook. I hate people less when I don't look at it!

DaisyAnne - Hope you are well!!

and Chaos, TG and Ellie - HELLO! So glad to see you all in here. Seriously I smile when you comment.

I love the strength that rolls off each of you BAD ASS WOMEN!

Quick update on me. Turning dissociation into an art at this point. WH and I started doing a new workbook - Courageous Love by Stefanie Carnes. He re-did his disclosure letter and read it to me. Covered his entire sexual history and feelings from youth to affair. I cried the whole time and couldn't listen to the actual affair part (he read that part to me last year, and I haven't looked at it since and just couldn't revisit it). Next up is my impact letter. There are a bunch of worksheets that help you gather info to write with. I started today and immediately turned into a shaking pile of tears. I'm not sure how to go about it. Should I take a day (or two) to hunker down and finish it? Or should I trickle it out over the next few weeks? My WH could "cover" me with the kids since he's home all the time now. He'd even send me to a hotel if I wanted, but COVID. My PTSD seriously makes me physically shake when I think about everything so not sure if my body and mind can take it. Any opinions or did anyone do an impact letter?

Also, a question. Those of you who are in R or tried R, did you find yourself wanting to date someone new? In my entire history with WH (we were together 20 years at Day 1 and 22 at Day 2) I didn't fantasize about dating other men or being married to other men, or even sleeping with other men. I was watching the Netflix show Sweet Magnolias (cheesy, but main character is coming out of a marriage of 20 years after her H cheats and impregnates his younger mistress). Anyways, she is dating, and I find myself thinking about how nice it would be to start a new love story with someone who hasn't hurt me. How jealous I am that my WH got to have all of those new butterfly feelings for a new person (while married to me) and I will never have that again unless I leave him. Never crossed my mind before because I loved my love story with him. Now I don't have that love story anymore and I hate it. I get the beautiful love story that involves your husband not respecting you even before marriage (found out that he had strippers in his hotel room on his bachelor party - no sex but they stripped him down and touched him in front of his friends), flirting with and searching for female attention from everyone from work to travel to friends, culminating in an emotional and physical affair. 20 years of that. 2 years of lies. I only have 1 year out of 23 where I have had an honest, loving, moral and faithful partner. Whoopie! What an awesome love story to tell our grandchildren.

WOMENZ!

So lovely to see that this thread is moving. Well, not lovely, because it usually means we are feeling like crap or have new members, but lovely because I do think of each of you often and love to "hear" your voices. I can always count on a giggle after some heartbreak on here.

I went back and read what I've missed and hopefully can catch it all.

(((GMC))) I know your heart has to be so heavy about your daughter. I know it's hard to watch our children struggle and have no control. Sending love and prayers for strength for you and your daughter.

((LadyG)) I can't imagine the difficulty of having been raped, much less having to maintain a relationship with someone who has repeatedly abused you. You are a such a strong woman! Thankful that your DS sees the abuse and supports you. Knowing you have the support of your children has got to be huge and I'm thrilled you have the kind of relationship where he feels safe enough to not only read that book but talk to you about it - what an awesome mom he must have!

((Faith)) Sorry you have to be here. If you haven't, check out the thread in here about people with same sex partners. There are others who can relate to your situation and might be able to give you some good advice for your path to healing.

Out of Love -It doesn't matter whether an affair is only emotional, only online, only with a BF, without kids, etc. A betrayal is just that. A betrayal. It makes your entire world break down and hurts us all. Comparing makes no difference. Your hurt is your hurt. I'm sorry you have to be here.

Hedwig - Yes, I miss my close friends and hugs. Video calls do not suffice and I have to stay 6 feet from my mom too. Air hugs suck!! Safe travels - I have always wanted to go to Greece - I hope this trip brings some healing too.

20yrs - I laughed out loud a few times. My MIL might die immediately if she saw porn in our house. Her precious children would NEVER. (Ha! If only she knew!)

HHADL - I can't even stomach those sex threads. It's the SAME people saying the SAME shit over and over and over. Triggers me AND pisses me off. I just stay out. Kinda like Facebook. I hate people less when I don't look at it!

DaisyAnne - Hope you are well!!

and Chaos, TG and Ellie - HELLO! So glad to see you all in here. Seriously I smile when you comment.

I love the strength that rolls off each of you BAD ASS WOMEN!

Quick update on me. Turning dissociation into an art at this point. WH and I started doing a new workbook - Courageous Love by Stefanie Carnes. He re-did his disclosure letter and read it to me. Covered his entire sexual history and feelings from youth to affair. I cried the whole time and couldn't listen to the actual affair part (he read that part to me last year, and I haven't looked at it since and just couldn't revisit it). Next up is my impact letter. There are a bunch of worksheets that help you gather info to write with. I started today and immediately turned into a shaking pile of tears. I'm not sure how to go about it. Should I take a day (or two) to hunker down and finish it? Or should I trickle it out over the next few weeks? My WH could "cover" me with the kids since he's home all the time now. He'd even send me to a hotel if I wanted, but COVID. My PTSD seriously makes me physically shake when I think about everything so not sure if my body and mind can take it. Any opinions or did anyone do an impact letter?

Also, a question. Those of you who are in R or tried R, did you find yourself wanting to date someone new? In my entire history with WH (we were together 20 years at Day 1 and 22 at Day 2) I didn't fantasize about dating other men or being married to other men, or even sleeping with other men. I was watching the Netflix show Sweet Magnolias (cheesy, but main character is coming out of a marriage of 20 years after her H cheats and impregnates his younger mistress). Anyways, she is dating, and I find myself thinking about how nice it would be to start a new love story with someone who hasn't hurt me. How jealous I am that my WH got to have all of those new butterfly feelings for a new person (while married to me) and I will never have that again unless I leave him. Never crossed my mind before because I loved my love story with him. Now I don't have that love story anymore and I hate it. I get the beautiful love story that involves your husband not respecting you even before marriage (found out that he had strippers in his hotel room on his bachelor party - no sex but they stripped him down and touched him in front of his friends), flirting with and searching for female attention from everyone from work to travel to friends, culminating in an emotional and physical affair. 20 years of that. 2 years of lies. I only have 1 year out of 23 where I have had an honest, loving, moral and faithful partner. Whoopie! What an awesome love story to tell our grandchildren.

Great to see you post TZ1995!!!

I'm not remotely tempted to date.

It's bizarre because I have several male friends, recently divorced and BSs now. They seem to be in awe of my 53 years of life, married 31 years to a cheating demon, but never cheated myself.

I can't even saw I don't cheat for any special reason. I'm simply too lazy to lie. I'm not cut out for it, can't keep track of the details to be effective at it anyway, can't be bothered to do it.

I've been toying with a 5 year exit plan lately. Saving money (stocks!!), investing, getting into an AMAZING place financially. Then finding a property nearby, so I remain close to my kids and parents. Then just gradually transition to that house, out of this one.

WH is getting desperate, keeps asking me "not to throw him away"!!! Ha! Coming from HIM!

Anyway, what do you WOMENZ think?

So it's limbo for me, til I die.

Hi 20

Fuck if I know what is right. All I know is i Am in bed by myself feeling slightly drunk - went out with friends tonight. So great.

Don’t think cheating is worth it for any reason. If you want to try single life, try it. Or if you don’t, fight for the marriage you deserve. Do not settle. Try not to sit in limbo. You get nowhere every day - what is the point?

Single It isn’t easy, but for me it is nice not to be lied to. Even if I am alone.

I have no idea what is right, but you do. Do what you need.

Hugs.

I'm sure I'll want to date down the road but for now I'm really enjoying sleeping like a fucking starfish in my bed and buying however many damn pairs of shoes I want to without having to get the side-eye from mr mcjudgydouchenugget

saw my my ex. He came to bring my son shopping at 9am. I vacated and when I got back at 12.30 he was still doing yard work no one asked him to do.

Then he told me I looked good. For 11 years he did not address my appearance. Then after he leaves the marriage he compliments me.

I just looked at him.

I don’t get it. I Certainly did not respond in kind though tears came when I was alone.

I know we use this word often and it is true. This stuff is a mindfuck.

Tall girl,

Your ex is a waste of space and air on our planet.

So glad you’re through with it

20yrsagoBS he asked YOU not to throw HIM away. Sheesh - delusions are strong with that one. What do I think? He's a flaming fuckwad.

Tallgirl you exhibited Herculean strength by not throttling that waste of existence.

ditto chaos.

Thx ladies.. I appreciate your support and the reminder of his value to me.

He told me he was struggling with everything today. So my response was...it was your choice. I thought this was you wanted.

No response.

It drove me to organize 3 dates with 3 different men. First date in two weeks.

Just catching up on this thread and gee I would love to get these WHs in the same room together so they can bitch and cry and pat each other on the back.

I look Good to WH! I always looked like that. After I left WH, I looked and felt fabulous. I lost 30 years of stress and trauma from my face and body. I grew a few inches taller and walk with grace.

As soon as WH Started last affair and up to Dday, WH looked like crap. I showed him a few photos that we had taken during that period and he agreed, he aged and looked miserable. The AP was an absolute parasite. So boohoo to Sewer Rat WH.

During fake reconciliation I built him back up again. He stopped getting stupid haircuts and wearing stupid clothes. He’s well on his way 60! Damn, three months back in my care he looked look Good. Healthy and handsome. And I mean that.

But it wasn’t to last.

He Loved the way we looked together, but he’s still a sewer rat attracted to parasites.

To be far to my faith, even sewer rats have a purpose and an important part to play in our eco system. But I still scream when I see one and I wish they didn’t spread disease 🙏🏼

Tall girl, congrats on the dates!!! I hope you have a wonderful time!!

TX, I have no desire to date. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to R. I don’t want to go through that whole dating world.

How jealous I am that my WH got to have all of those new butterfly feelings for a new person (while married to me)

This is get though. The other day I was listening to a song about a “last first kiss”. I never thought about it that way before, but I always loved that we were each other’s “last first kiss”. Now he can’t say that I was that for him. The psycho whore stole that from me. That almost hurts the most for some reason. I want to cry now just thinking about it.

TG, you go girl!! Good luck!

Ugh dating. No thank you - I am enjoying singledom too much to even consider getting back out there. I get to sleep like a starfish on the bed, I get to make a nice salad for dinner and not get side-eyed, I get to go poke around at target for 2 hours and not have a huffy bitchfit coming from a dude...ya know? Not really in a hurry to give that kind of glamour up

AND, my birthday is next week and I got to order my FULL set of nail polishes that I wanted and don't even have to deal with mr-thinks-18-yo-sluts-are-wise-and-mature telling me I don't need them. I mean... I don't, but my SOUL needed them.