So lovely to see that this thread is moving. Well, not lovely, because it usually means we are feeling like crap or have new members, but lovely because I do think of each of you often and love to "hear" your voices. I can always count on a giggle after some heartbreak on here.
I went back and read what I've missed and hopefully can catch it all.
(((GMC))) I know your heart has to be so heavy about your daughter. I know it's hard to watch our children struggle and have no control. Sending love and prayers for strength for you and your daughter.
((LadyG)) I can't imagine the difficulty of having been raped, much less having to maintain a relationship with someone who has repeatedly abused you. You are a such a strong woman! Thankful that your DS sees the abuse and supports you. Knowing you have the support of your children has got to be huge and I'm thrilled you have the kind of relationship where he feels safe enough to not only read that book but talk to you about it - what an awesome mom he must have!
((Faith)) Sorry you have to be here. If you haven't, check out the thread in here about people with same sex partners. There are others who can relate to your situation and might be able to give you some good advice for your path to healing.
Out of Love -It doesn't matter whether an affair is only emotional, only online, only with a BF, without kids, etc. A betrayal is just that. A betrayal. It makes your entire world break down and hurts us all. Comparing makes no difference. Your hurt is your hurt. I'm sorry you have to be here.
Hedwig - Yes, I miss my close friends and hugs. Video calls do not suffice and I have to stay 6 feet from my mom too. Air hugs suck!! Safe travels - I have always wanted to go to Greece - I hope this trip brings some healing too.
20yrs - I laughed out loud a few times. My MIL might die immediately if she saw porn in our house. Her precious children would NEVER. (Ha! If only she knew!)
HHADL - I can't even stomach those sex threads. It's the SAME people saying the SAME shit over and over and over. Triggers me AND pisses me off. I just stay out. Kinda like Facebook. I hate people less when I don't look at it!
DaisyAnne - Hope you are well!!
and Chaos, TG and Ellie - HELLO! So glad to see you all in here. Seriously I smile when you comment.
I love the strength that rolls off each of you BAD ASS WOMEN!
Quick update on me. Turning dissociation into an art at this point. WH and I started doing a new workbook - Courageous Love by Stefanie Carnes. He re-did his disclosure letter and read it to me. Covered his entire sexual history and feelings from youth to affair. I cried the whole time and couldn't listen to the actual affair part (he read that part to me last year, and I haven't looked at it since and just couldn't revisit it). Next up is my impact letter. There are a bunch of worksheets that help you gather info to write with. I started today and immediately turned into a shaking pile of tears. I'm not sure how to go about it. Should I take a day (or two) to hunker down and finish it? Or should I trickle it out over the next few weeks? My WH could "cover" me with the kids since he's home all the time now. He'd even send me to a hotel if I wanted, but COVID. My PTSD seriously makes me physically shake when I think about everything so not sure if my body and mind can take it. Any opinions or did anyone do an impact letter?
Also, a question. Those of you who are in R or tried R, did you find yourself wanting to date someone new? In my entire history with WH (we were together 20 years at Day 1 and 22 at Day 2) I didn't fantasize about dating other men or being married to other men, or even sleeping with other men. I was watching the Netflix show Sweet Magnolias (cheesy, but main character is coming out of a marriage of 20 years after her H cheats and impregnates his younger mistress). Anyways, she is dating, and I find myself thinking about how nice it would be to start a new love story with someone who hasn't hurt me. How jealous I am that my WH got to have all of those new butterfly feelings for a new person (while married to me) and I will never have that again unless I leave him. Never crossed my mind before because I loved my love story with him. Now I don't have that love story anymore and I hate it. I get the beautiful love story that involves your husband not respecting you even before marriage (found out that he had strippers in his hotel room on his bachelor party - no sex but they stripped him down and touched him in front of his friends), flirting with and searching for female attention from everyone from work to travel to friends, culminating in an emotional and physical affair. 20 years of that. 2 years of lies. I only have 1 year out of 23 where I have had an honest, loving, moral and faithful partner. Whoopie! What an awesome love story to tell our grandchildren.