SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OOL.

Your stream of consciousness is actually lovely to me. Get it out. It's ok to feel exhausted by all of it. And the lack of justice is one doozy of a mutha to process. One huge doozy.

Gosh, it's just so hard to hear and feel you coming through the screen and know that the dreaded four letter word may be the thing that helps... t-i-m-e.

and ya know, thinking about it, I gotta wonder sometimes if all the "stuff" we do (reframing, meditating, podcasts, mindfulness, SI, etc etc etc) aren't what's actually doing the trick... that they are all filling that t-i-m-e that it takes for our bodies to process and recover? I dunno - maybe it's just another of the mysteries of life.

My heart breaks for your broken heart and the exhaustion that comes with healing trauma. You are not alone... and I truly in my deepest recesses believe it will get better. There WILL come a day when the noise of the hurt is more background than banging in your ears.

ETA: Just saw your other thread - and then the 1st response was also the time thing. It sucks. There were sooooo many days when I could not bring myself to believe it. A friend once reminded me, in the midst of some VERY dark shit (coincidentally, right around the 1st birthday post dday) that our brains can play tricks on us.

And Ellie - well fuckity fuck on another dick day. As a mom, I can attest to the fucked up ways my caring & concern has been expressed to my kids. As a daughter, I can say a mother's caring & concern can be some pretty head banging stuff. I'm sorry the magic of HVAC & oddities of procreation dumped a load on ya. I'm rooting for an awesome Tuesday... or Wed.... or Thurs...

<3

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:09 AM, August 25th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

OOL

Gmc said it so wonderfully, so I am going to say what gmc said.

I read a lot of wonderful things...

1. You have amazing friend.

2. Two months of NC is an accomplishment.

3. Your strength shows in your actions

4. Your capability to love is huge

Someone here told me to bend, not break. You are bending. I know in my heart you will be happy again. Your birthday may be hard, but you will make it through. Love yourself.

Hugs.

Ellie

Today is a new day.

I am proud of you. And I admire you through and through.

You have so much strength. You are out of infidelity, you have an awesome new job, and your own place.

Wow.

You are you, keep being that way, there should be no mold to fit into.

You are one of the hero’s here.

And the fact that your sister is the perfect one is SO awesome. It takes the pressure off, you can be yourself. I wonder if she is herself?

From this mom, I’d be proud to have a daughter like you.

TG's post reminds me of a Bonnie Raitt song I had on my post dday playlist called "I will not be broken" lyrics include:

Take me down

You can hold me but you

Can't hold what's within

Pull me round

Push me to the limit

Maybe I may bend

But I know where I'm not going

I will not be broken

I will not be broken

I will not be

I won't let you near it

I will let my spirit fly

Fly

High

I still like listening to it....

And EllieK -

PLEASE tell us your car didn't break down today.... hope it went better....

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:10 PM, August 25th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

Hi Womenz!

Have you noticed how the bright light of infidelity also illuminates past events in anew light?

WH enlisted in the military at age 18, met and married me at 19. He started evening college courses without really discussing it with me. The lone conversation I recall us having, I told him I would return to finish college after he went for 4 years. I did too, despite his disapproval. Guess what/who he was doing when I returned to college?

I asked him if it was one reason for his gross choice to cheat. He says no.

Have you ever asked your WHs what their biggest regret about cheating is? My WH is “thinking about it”

AScott -

How do u move passed seeing the love of your life differently?

My STBXWH has NPD tendencies with passive-aggressive traits (Covert Narc). He kept his mask on until after our 2nd DS was born.

He never showed me who he truly was. As a narc, he mirrored back to me the person he thought I wanted to see. That's the guy I fell in love with. But you know what? That guy didn't exist. I've had to come to terms with the fact that the nice guy who would do all of these considerate things did them for two reasons: 1. hook me in & keep me hooked, 2. as a public show so people would say what a great guy he was. (Another form of ego kibbles, BTW.)

He kept his true self from me and created the situation where I was not able to make an informed decision on my future. I had tried to live my life authentically, and at first I felt that my whole life was un-authentic and a lie.

For me, I thought about many of my past memories. Was I living authentically at that time? Yes, I was being true to my values even though WH wasn't. I didn't get to this place until close to a year past dday#1. It does take time.

And EllieK -

PLEASE tell us your car didn't break down today.... hope it went better....

yesterday DID go better, but pretty please knock on wood, pour salt over your sholder, hex a bitch... whatever superstitious thing you do to keep something from occurring

I'm doin better today. I have a lot to do to wrap up the old job and am struggling with give a fuck. Sigh. LOL it's always somethin huh?

Hope you lovelies are having a smashing Wednesday!

What is it about this week that seems to be bringing out a lot more douchery, sadness, anger etc. I'm seeing it here and in my personal life as well.

@Ellie - I'm glad you are doing a little better today, and am sorry that you are going through this with your mum. I also echo all that TG said

@LadyG - The anniversaries suck. Big Hugs to you.

@GMC - thank you for your kind words and support. TIME - the worst four letter word, right? I know you are right though

@TG - I needed to hear those comments today. Thank you.

@20years - I don't think there's any understanding a cheater's mindset.

@leafields - I wasn't dealing with a narc, but sounds as though you are following a healthy path to get to a place of acceptance & peace

I'm doing a little better today. Did take some anti-anxiety medicine as a pre-emptive, knowing the next day or two will be hard. Think I'm more in a state of numbness right now which, to be honest, I'll take over what I felt the last couple of days. I just want to get through to the weekend and I think it will be better.

I just made a Bakewell Tart. Never made one before. Turned out pretty well. Happy Birthday to me. Will be breakfast tomorrow.

Happy Birthday OOL

Hugs to you.

Have you ever asked your WHs what their biggest regret about cheating is?

we had a massive storm last night so WH messages me, if I am ok? He misses me and cuddling and dreaming of us being together again after Covid.

We are NC, but as I lay cuddling with my puppy, I thought I would reply. Yes, I am ok. I posed that Question?

He sent me several messages, to which I didn’t reply. He’s a serial texter. By morning there were 7 messages. The last one, reads “please don’t be upset, I love you more and more every day”

I think, I love NC more and more every day.

I wonder why the marriage was important/special enough to US that WE didn’t choose to cheat?

Just not for them?

Why?

Happy belated bday OOL! Hope your day was as ok as possible!

I wonder why the marriage was important/special enough to US that WE didn’t choose to cheat?

Just not for them?

Why?

Well.... funny enough I never really gave two shits about marriage. Didn't before and certainly don't now. I don't think I'm special, I just know I would never cheat. It isn't in my coding and goes against every principle I live by. Why did he? Because he is a man-child who has spent his whole life blaming everything on others. And like any toddler, he does without thinking of any consequence. *shrug

I'm hitting the point nowadays where I really don't fucking care 'why' he did anymore. Is that growth? Indifference? I don't know, but it's a welcome change from the days of beating my head against the wall obsessing about how he felt, what he wanted, why he did....

Good evening Womenz. I know I always find the weekends hard so just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing.

I feel blue today. I’m not sad or anything, just not where I expected to be at 44. Feeling contemplative. I’m not sure xWBF would have been right for me in the long run, but having been on my own so long before I met him - and generally being quite happy - now that I’ve had a relationship in which I, at the very least, was thoroughly invested, I now don’t know if I can be happy alone again.

I’ve had a taste of what it is like to be in a partnership and now I want that. But what if it doesn’t happen again? I wanted to be married. He was going to propose. What if I never get that opportunity now?

I think his Happy Birthday text has affected me more than I thought. I’m seeing his daughter tomorrow, arranged through his ex wife. She’s excited to see me. I’m super excited to see here. When discussing arrangements with his ex wife, she mentioned that my ex had told her that it was my birthday yesterday. Why would he tell her that? My mum says it’s obvious I’m on his mind but that being the lazy sod he is, he’s not putting himself out there any more than he is. my BFF said how dare he contact me yesterday when he didn’t contact me after my Nanna died - that he doesn’t get to choose when to be the good guy. But of course he’s on my mind again. Ugh.

Just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Birthdays do that to me. I also can’t help feel that I’m just waiting for each day to pass so I can finally go to bed. That’s not how I want to live.

Hope you ladies are all doing better. I’m sure you all are as you are all kick ass!!!

@20years

I wonder why the marriage was important/special enough to US that WE didn’t choose to cheat?

Just not for them?

Why?

Because they are selfish. Because they are entitled. Because they believe they deserve it. We were just collateral damage. In my instance, I thought I was safe as he’d been through it himself. He’d been on the other side of infidelity, so there was no way he would cause me that amount of pain. Turns out, he’s no different than any other cheater, putting his own needs above mine and his kids for momentary snippets of validation and ego kibbles.

We are not built that way so that’s why we won’t ever understand.

WH out of town this weekend and I'm doing all within my power not to spiral. I do OK if I'm really busy. Today I made a list of chores to keep me occupied.

I wonder why the marriage was important/special enough to US that WE didn’t choose to cheat?

Just not for them?

Why?

Questions like this haunt me. OOL is spot on. But it haunts me nonetheless. Because to me - being faithful - it ins't a choice. It is what you do.

Silly waywards - do they think they are the only ones that get "opportunities" Please. I get one every time I go in public [WH is a musician as a side job - to that phrase] so I go to a lot of venues now that DD2 is older. They aren't even on my RADAR. When they do become so [like someone actually coming up and talking to me] I shoot them down like ducks in a shooting gallery. They get 1 nice one. Most take the hint. Some apologize. A select few apologize to WH for "not realizing". If that doesn't work - it gets louder - making sure the AH and everyone within hearing distance knows who I'm with. One time - I PM'd an asshole's wife because he tried to FB friend me the next morning - after I shot him down several times the night before. Fuck that shit. And ya know - I tell WH every fucking time. Every motherfucking time. It just doesn't occur to me not to. I don't hide shit.

Anywho - I'm drinking coffee after not sleeping well [who can when you a betrayed] and drinkiung coffee. Waiting for various things to open so I can do my weekend errands. You know. Super exciting things. Responsible things - unlike lying/cheating/hiding. Bank, post office, grocery pick up. The Land of Chaos is like that.

Sorry for the run on y'all. The caffeine may be kicking in.

ETA - I tend not to do well when WH is out of town. He went out of town every 6-12 weeks when he was in his LTA. At least I know the trigger. I stop myself just short of pain shopping.

[This message edited by Chaos at 6:57 AM, August 29th (Saturday)]

I wonder why the marriage was important/special enough to US that WE didn’t choose to cheat?

Just not for them?

Why?

They are selfish cowards with dick for brains. It makes me so fucking mad that the respect for their committed partner is non existent.

LadyG, I am glad you love NC more everyday.

Chaos. I am sorry it is tough when WH Is out of town. Trust is hard to have after it has been smashed to bits. He is one lucky bastard. I hope he knows it.

I have continued my dating journey. I had a lovely date last week, our approach was friends first. I like him. Handsome and he felt like a good guy. No second dates Yet but maybe.

I do have a date today, we will see how it goes. He seems nice too. ETA: THE DATE was terrible. Even the servers felt for me.

And I am thinking about a hook up. It has been toooooo long. So I think I will. He is gentle, easy going, and respectful. Am I crazy? I think it is exactly what I need. I need to break the bonds, and frankly I have needs. He doesn’t want to date, and I am totally good with that.

What I don’t understand, and this me doing it to me, is why do I feel slutty. I am a mature woman, who knows her own mind mostly. I am single. He is single. So why does part of me still feel married.

Well gals I hope you have a great day.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:49 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

TG - I’m so impressed with your dating stories. You seem to have a very good handle on what you want and what you deserve. I can’t imagine at all wanting to date again, I was talking about it with a friend last night and this and it literally turns my stomach. So reading your stories makes me hopeful, even if not every date ends up positively. And totally go for a hook up if it’s what you want. As long as both parties are on board, then have at it.

Feeling very melancholy today. In a ‘why wasn’t I enough’ spiral. Funnily enough, I had some wine for the first time in months last night and I’ve also been a bit lax on my meditation / self work the last few days so I think those are all contributing factors. Also with my birthday having just gone past, can’t help but comparing to last year when I was so happy. I know I can’t change things. I can’t change him.

But why isn’t he begging me for forgiveness? Am I not even worth that?

Sorry womenz. Just in my own head today. Hope everyone else is having a better Sunday.

OOL,

Hugs girl. You have it backwards.

He doesn’t deserve you. You need to embrace that. He has been selfish, mean and hurtful.

I so know how it hurts, but this isn’t about you. It is all about him. You will find someone who deserves you, and this person will work for it.

The one thing dating has done for me is remind me that I am good looking, I honestly have my choice of a lot of guys. And some days I engage, others I don’t. I am honest with them and my putting up with bullshit days are over. I am shocked but what I am seeing is real.

Sweetheart you are worth more than you can see. We will keep telling you that. I remember feeling like tossed garbage, but he threw away the best thing in his life and I don’t think he feels worthy anymore... and he isn’t.

Do what is good for you. See your beauty.

Happy Birthday OOL

(((Hugs)))

Hope your date is fabulous TG