I watched the video of my nephews wedding this morning. It was horrible to hear all the promises that you had said to me repeated by someone else, knowing in my position that you couldn't follow through, trying to be happy for them, but knowing that they have no idea of the struggles ahead of them that will test their hopeful promises..
I am trying to stay NC and be in control of the dynamic - yet I feel like you are the one that is torturing me. I remain pleasant and only discuss the things around the kids and business when necessary. But even in those, there is no personal chat involved. Not even to ask how I am doing??? What is that. How can you claim to love me and be so sorry this all happened, we are moving on trying to find a new, separate normal - you claimed to your family you still want to be my "best friend" so - but you won't even make a joke or be even pleasant? Are you afraid of me now? I have not shown vulnerability, so maybe you are confused.. You're afraid I will get angry again.. In our texts we go back and forth very briefly every couple of days making plans. I get "ok" and "yes" and "no". There's no "sounds like a plan" or DS#1 did something funny today, not even any connection about our kids.
You were eager to come over and do yardwork and help with projects that needed to get done around the house in your remorse - now there's suddenly no interest in even who's mowing the lawn..
I asked you if you would finish a couple of small things you have promised weeks ago - you haven't said a word about when you can come and do that.
Your son didn't want to come over by you two weeks ago - I helped you navigate through it - but I got no thank you, just feeling like I'm "controlling" your typical defensive pushback - well guess what, it's not about you, it's about our child and how he's feeling, selfish ass... Next time you're on your own, if he says he doesn't want to come, I'm not forcing him. don't be such a dick- he's afraid of you and your temper - how about examining that instead of saying he's too sensitive? Invalidating his feelings like you always have mine.
I am thinking you are involved with FAP again - you can't stand to be alone - you're so needy for admiration and your poor ego - and this is the distance I'm seeing.
Why aren't you groveling - saying you miss me - how sorry you are - and wish things could go back to a few years back when things were better - I want to be the one who says, yeah, it's too bad you blew it. I wish I knew what was going on in your head. It's so awkward now. How can it be so awkward after being partners for 25 years?? It makes me so sad. I think you have a hard time looking at my eyes.. pretty sure it's shame - yet I know you're on some level bad mouthing to someone.
You never even say anything about what you're working on in counseling. Maybe your counselor is telling you not to talk to me. Or maybe you're so sad inside, you're afraid of losing it in front of me so you're putting up a front.
I've been doing so good, I thought, but maybe I'm not, maybe I've just been busying myself so I don't have to think about it. Or maybe I'm just having a bad day. But it's taking every ounce of self control right now not to call you in my tearful state and just have you comfort me. But I know it's just a fantasy in my head that you would even respond that way anymore.
I feel like I need us to talk about it - but everyone tells me not to. I guess maybe in my heart I know you can't handle talking about it, your defensiveness will kick in and I will not get the expected response - because you are incapable of being human around me - you've been defensive so long you don't remember how to be vulnerable and tell me how you really feel. You know, if you told me you were sad and missed me, it doesn't mean I would want you to come back. Maybe that's what you're afraid of. It would just give me some validation.. That our 25 years meant something more than me just "helping you with your business" and "being the mother of your child". What happened to the first 15 years of really good stuff? do you even remember???
I don't know what's right anymore. I'm working on myself, and this is just a bad day I guess.