I'm doing better, and i can hardly believe it.
Hey y'all, just checking in.
I am doing so much better. I won't pretend that every day is sunshine and unicorn farts, but every day that goes by finds me settling into this life of being a single parent, and learning how i do that and find my happy place.
I've been into podcasts lately (lol 10 years later than everyone else) because i drive for work hours daily, and got really tired of my inner monologue. It has been a game changer, and I'm sure a lot of you are shaking their heads at that, but it just goes to show you how we each need a very individual method of coping with shit.
So many posts on this site are "how do i deal with this?" And the answer is, "only you can know."
It makes infidelity and divorce infinitely more lonely and depressing in a way. Yet i can say that once you find out your thing, that you feel even better discovering it on your own than you would have if someone would have spoon-fed it to you online.
Anyway, just my weird ramblings, hope you all are finding your own peace in your own weird ways.
Also i got a kitten, he's fucking awesome and his name is Shadow.
7 comments posted: Monday, June 28th, 2021
At long last it is over.
Official today, I am finally done.
My marriage is no more.
I guess that means I "survived" infidelity.
Wow, that sucked. (And I got off relatively easy, apparently.) I am so ready to move on with life.
Anyway, let the party commence!!!!
21 comments posted: Thursday, April 15th, 2021
Welp, I give up, she wins
So most of you know my story. My stbxw was a serial cheater and she left me for the AP, even though I filed for divorce, who she is still with.
I followed the advice of many and took her to court for alimony, as I was a sahd and she made 6 figures.
Seemed like a slam dunk, right?
Well 6k$ to the lawyer later I haven't even made it to the temporary orders hearing, couldn't pay the new retainer, and can't pay my mortgage this month.
I got a job that starts this week, but I only make 16$/hr and have 2 vehicles that both need new brakes.
I have a 7yo daughter who I've been feeding and going to school with. (Covid at home school) Now I won't be able to do that any more.
I've gotta say I can't believe how fucked up this all is, it's literally a money vacuum and I just wish I wouldn't have bothered.
I might have had a real career if I hadn't sacrificed everything for my family, that was a giant mistake and I will live to regret it apparently.
This post is super sour grapes and I'm sorry for that but I can't help but feel defeated.
I'm going to contact the bitch and see if she we can do it uncontested and give her everything she wants. I give up.
Edit: I made stupid errors about who left who for who for what reason, which I corrected
[This message edited by 99problems at 1:43 AM, December 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]
34 comments posted: Monday, November 30th, 2020
The Tin Drum
New to the book club, but a voracious reader my whole life.
Has anyone here ever read this, by Gunther Grass?
It's probably my favorite novel of all time.
I highly recommend it, but it's not a casual read. I re-read it every 5 years or so and always find something new that speaks to me each time.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, August 19th, 2020
Ok, here goes. Don't be me.
Hello all,(wall of text incoming)
I'm writing this as a way to get it out of my brain, to see it all together. Maybe someone will read it and realize that they are on the wrong path, or the right path. I also hope it brings me just the tiniest bit closer to a closure of this awful chapter of my life.
I disappeared off this forum in early 2017, foolishly thinking that I was on the road to a successful R. I have quite a few posts to that effect. My STBXW had done some of the first steps to R, we went through 6~months of MC (bad idea) and it seemed our marriage was a better version of the one that we had had before the DDays. There was some good times, some seemingly heartfelt discussions, some nice family vacations, etc.
Boy was I wrong.
She told me multiple times as a condition of staying married that she would enter IC. She never did. I told her multiple times that our marriage would be destroyed forever if she did not do what she needed to do to heal. She never listened.
I became despondent and convinced that we would not last. The marriage flailed, sex basically stopped about 2 years ago. She got a much better job as an administrator of a healthcare facility and worked constantly, while I ended up quitting my job and being a SAHD at the beginning of the covid scare. I had lost interest in babysitting her digital life and told her that I was beginning to feel cold and uninterested in saving our marriage since she could not do the most basic things she had promised.
During the lockdown, she became angry with me and said that the kid(7) and I were spending too much time indoors playing video games together. I agreed that we did, but also replied that since everything was closed, including the damn playground, that at least we were doing a good job of quarantining and not getting coronavirus.
A week later we were alone and I started talking about our relationship and the problems we were having. She said, "I'm not sure i can do this with you anymore, you don't seem happy, and I'm enjoying my life so much." I said, "Really? After all the work we initally started, and you didn't follow through, you just want to end this now?" I explained that i was extremely depressed and had put zero effort into the marriage for a long time because of her not meeting her end of the bargain,(which was that she get IC or I divorce her) and that I was sure that she would be cheating on me again soon. She denied this and promised to go to IC again. I told her, "I'll believe it when I see it."
On Father's day (two days after previous conversation) she said, "I think I'm going to visit my father's grave." I immediately knew this was bullshit, as she never did visit it once in the previous 5 years since he died and acted totally terrified of the idea when I had brought it up before. I played along.
Then I pulled up some of the monitoring software that she had agreed to have installed on her phone as a condition of the marriage continuing.
She drove to the graveyard but never stopped there, then drove to a different location.
she stayed there for 2 hours. Left her phone in the car (she knew i could access audio and video from her phone).
I watched and watched. When she got in the car, she kissed a man goodbye and said "I love you."
I waited for to get home. I said, "Hey, so why were you at this address the whole time you were gone, which is nowhere near the graveyard?"
She said, "Oh, I just kept driving around, thinking about stuff." I then showed her the video. She said, "Oh i hoped you wouldn't find out." I asked her who the man was. She said she would not tell me. I said ,"Well if you think I'm sticking around for this shit you are crazy, I'm 100% done." She didn't respond.
I went inside and spent the rest of Fathers day with my daughter. She skulked around like the pathetic piece of shit that she is. I also realized who the man is from the address, an employee(!) of hers who is also a piece of shit and left his own kids in another state and does not have his own car. My wife had wanted me to sell my old car to this man but I never did because I had a strange feeling about him.
I put the kid to bed and said to her, "Well, now what? This marriage is over to me."
She said ILYBINILWY and I screamed "Fuck this shit, I'm leaving." and i left. I own another house that my mother rents from me and I went straight there and haven't left since.
She has never said another word about the divorce, except to acknowledge that it's happening and talk about the details.
I dug into her text messages that evening to see evidence of the shitshow.. She had been seeing multiple men for about 9 months and bragging with it to her co-workers. Complaining about our sex life to the point that they bought her a dildo for her birthday and congratulated her for cheating on me. She really fell for this guy though, and talked about him a lot. I didn't, thankfully, have to read any texts between her and him because she used some other platform for all of that.
I lost it when she went to a party two days after we separated and her new boyfriend gave her cocaine for the first time. (I learned this by having access to her texts from my computer, even after the separation, a truly bad idea) i texted her "So now you are a coke whore? We are going to have fun in court." I wish that I hadn't texted her that. It is not smart to do when preparing for divorce, I know. I have since refrained from texting her any thing besides one word responses.
I then shut down and deleted all of the apps and changed all her passwords to random shit so I couldn't access them anymore. I don't need to or care about what she's up to at all.
I got everything I cared about the most from the house and moved it into my other house (we own 2, my mom has been renting one of them, the STBXW pressured me to sell it for years but I always had a feeling i needed a backup plan) the next day. I am done with this shit. The lawyer has been consulted, papers are being filed, I am already in IC. Fucking done.
I am pissed off at myself. I cant believe i put myself through 3.5 years of absolute hell. Why? I need to figure out why i would do that. No more!
A coworker of ours (STBXW and I worked about a year together at a healthcare facility) contacted me at the end of last week. She told me about other acts of infidelity, that she would brag about to my coworkers. She cheated on me with coworkers of mine! She gave a little masturbation show to two of my coworkers at once. There is no end to the depravity of this woman. She has made a cruel mockery of our marriage and our friendship. This set back my healing even further. I was cleaning out the garage looking for things of mine to move out and found a love letter from a coworker from 2013 or 14, the first job she got after our daughter was born!!! She has always been this way, the marriage was a total sham. I have actually lost count of the # of AP's since 2014, but it's above 10... I want to fucking throw up.
I wish so desperately that i could go full NC for her for the rest of time(cannot due to 7yo DD). I could never imagine how bad this could be. I knew she was a bad wife, but now I think she is like a horror movie villain.
I live in a no-fault state. All of the evidence i saved over the years of infidelity is worthless. I'm still going to fight for everything i can get, she makes 6 figures and I make nothing (SAHD, remember). I think she will not quibble about custody, as she works a lot, but who knows. I have learned not to think that I know anything real about this woman. After 11 years, I know nothing, absolutely nothing.
I have lost 35 pounds, (I was pretty fat, not eating right, drinking too much) not eating except protein shakes and vitamins, not sleeping too well yet but taking supplements for that.. I have stopped drinking alcohol. Was taking the kid to the pool for 6 hours and going on a hike daily until...
The STBX calls and says she's sick. This is right after her facility had a patient test positive for Covid. My kid is at her house. I go and get her right away, and we agree that she stays with me until she gets test results. Two days later she texts "Can i get the kid? I feel fine." I say no, that we need test results and that that is irresponsible. she agrees.
Sunday she calls crying and says she's positive. Great. Now me and the kid have to get tested. (we did on Monday) And we get to be stuck in the fucking house again. This lady is the gift that keeps on giving. Now my mom is sick too. its likely that our test will be positive.(update, we tested negative, YAY)
If I was sent back in time and given the choice to either marry this woman or stick my manhood in a blender, I'd pick the blender.
And yes, I'm getting a STD test. Already had one back in 2016... luckily i wasn't too interested in throwing my hot dog down that hallway in the last 3 years.
At the same time that this post oozes bitterness and anger...
I'm looking forward to getting my life back. My friends, my family, my music and reading, control of my stuff. She did everything she could to drive a wedge between my life and me, and I let her succeed! And I think that that is the main reason she is finally leaving, because I asserted myself in the last year and demanded that I have time to do some things that I liked. She did not like that at all.
I have some rebuilding to do. But it will be so much more rewarding than sitting around a miserable house in limbo with a psycho.
I am doing a self-compassion workshop. It all sounds like bullshit right now but im going to stick with it, as I heal I am sure it will begin to make more sense. I know I tend to beat myself up internally to a point that is not good for me or my remaining family.
I also realize that the level of anger I have is going to eat me alive. I am working on it. I will continue to work on it. Forgiveness though? Doubtful. Maybe I can forgive myself for being so damn stupid.(hence the username) That would be great.
Do not waste your life pining away for somebody that will throw you in the trashcan with less concern than an old banana peel. It is quite emphatically not worth it at all.
88 comments posted: Saturday, July 18th, 2020
Advice about AP/ wife's new guy, exposure to my child
Ok, here's the deal. Am separated and getting divorce. Wife says AP will not be a part of 7 YO dd's life "for a long time".
I know her well enough to know that a long time is gonna be 2 weeks tops
I don't even know the guys last name. I would like to run a background check on him to see if he is sexual predator/felon. Any ideas? Maybe I can have this done as condition of divorce? Haven't run this by lawyer yet.
[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 9:48 PM, July 17th, 2020 (Friday)]
18 comments posted: Friday, July 17th, 2020
Ok this one is a bit hard. I'm a bit of a computer geek but if anyone can save me some time I'd be appreciative. My spouse's work computer is locked down- I can't install a program. So if anyone's got tips on how to install a keylogger I would be all ears. It's a Pc, windows 7 and I do not have administrator access. I'm down to try shady stuff.thanks in advance
2 comments posted: Saturday, August 5th, 2017
Couple of tips I haven't seen on here
Hey all. I have a couple of things that I found to be very helpful to me on my trip down the rabbit hole. First thing- if you have access to your spouse's Google account, and they have their photos set to backup to Google drive, then when they delete those photos they can still be found in the trash of their Google drive.
Secondly- if you are on republic wireless you can retrieve deleted texts by installing "republic anywhere" on your computer and having their login info. I recovered 1 mo. of deleted texts this way. I have also read that if your spouse uses a different messenger than the default, then if you get their phone and install the default Android messenger, you can retrieve all deleted texts. Dr. Fone was a no go on my spouse's Moto g.
And thirdly- "track view" is a free program that you can install on your spouses android phone that can record video and audio, but you need to install an app hider program(I use privacy hider) so they cannot uninstall it. You also need to block notifications for track view.
Hope this helps anybody.
4 comments posted: Friday, August 4th, 2017