I know I said some things the other night that were hurtful, and I was wrong, so wrong. I try to tell myself I shouldn't feel bad because you said all that same shit and more to me, so many times. That is no excuse, though. I don't want to be a person who says hurtful shit to other people, ever.
I apologise for that and I hope someday you forgive the things I said, although I know forgiveness is a gift and you will give it if or when you damn well please.
Now the other thing is, you have shown me without a doubt that you are not marriage material. If that man in the picture is your "New You," I don't want any part of it. I despise people like that, always have. If a picture is worth a thousand words, that picture says "irresponsible, immature, alcohol abuse, deadbeat dad."
You were supposed to be here today. we were going to talk about our marriage and separation and try to make an agreement that would work. You said you would be here and make waffles.
You said you were a new man after your stroke, that you wanted to be the kind of man I needed and love me with a "grown-up" love. Remember that?
You said you were not going to give up on us. You said you knew I still have a lot of hurt and bitterness but you were going to ride it out. Remember?
You said you were going to do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to prove to me that you were a new and better man, a good man, worthy of my love. Remember saying that?
In fact,the whole stupid fight started because I wanted to be left alone to study and you wanted attention. But demanding I take time away from studying to pay attention to you is not being supportive of me getting into medic school, which you said you would be. Remember that?
I said I needed space away from you, and I was right. Once I got some breathing room, I started to miss you a little bit. Once you weren't in my face all the time, I was able to focus on the things I like about us. I was able to think about our shared experiences and our shared history. Fucked up as it is, it's still ours.
SO I was going to tell you I didn't want to be so harsh any more. I don't like myself being that way. I wanted to talk things out like adults and make some rules we could both live with. I was going to make dinner and suggest we cuddle up on the couch and watch "The Story of Us." I was going to make love with you.
All I needed was a little time, a little space, and to feel in control of my life once more. If you had given that, and did all the other things you said you were going to do, we would be happily drinking coffee and eating waffles right now.
But instead, you had to blow it. You gave up on us after only 5 weeks. Gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. Stayed out all night without a word, acting like a 16 year old at a keg party. So much for all that mature-love crap.