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After the absolute hell that you've put the kids and I through in the last few months, stop pretending that we are still best friends and that you care about us. You are phony.

I hate it when you respond to my texts with hearts. It literally drives me insane. I will never associate a heart emoji with you again as you have ripped out mine.

You are not a good person. We will never be lovers or friends again. My friends don't stab me in the heart and in the back. Never mind my own husband of 17 years, who I gave all of myself to. And you think it's perfectly acceptable to demote me from your wife to your 'best buddy' in your distorted mind.

Stop using me to offload the guilt and shame that I can see is making you miserable. Live with your horrible, destructive, selfish and entitled choices. Own who you are and stop lying and minimising what you have done, chosen and continue to do. Go be with your shiny new person. Just leave me alone. I will pick up myself up, and dust myself off and you will be someone with 24 years of shared history that I used to know.

Just be a man. Stop being a weak coward.

[This message edited by Angie41 at 6:20 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

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I cannot believe the utter lack of remorse and empathy you have shown. How you've let this A tear apart your family, and you care more about your 29-year old, broken, tattooed, bar tender AP than you (a 53 year old husband), care for your family and your three children. I hope you never forget the pain in their eyes when we sat down and told them the truth. I know there are more lies you've hidden, more deceit you've kept from me, but I'm over it. I am moving on, despite the fact this wasn't what I wanted. I tried so hard to give you every opportunity to fix this, but I can't work with lies and deceit. I hope someday you come to realize the error of your ways and realize the pain you have caused everyone. I regret having wasted 20 of the best years of my life on you and I'm sorry you don't have the emotional maturity to say what you wanted in the marriage rather than taking the easy escape hatch of an affair with someone half your age. You are a disgrace.

Our DD saw a message on your computer from your AP and it said, "I love you." It's disgusting that I just filed for divorce and she had to see this. What is wrong with you? Don't you get the impact this has on your kids, and you just can't pull your head out of your ass long enough to protect them?! And all you can say to me is, "Sorry...I'll be more careful?!" You are more of a disordered individual than I ever would have guessed. And, now, you've depersonalized me. Calling me "your mom" in front of the kids. I am moving on...finally leaving the heartbreak behind. Every instance of insensitivity reveals who you truly are. And it's disgusting. I can't believe I wasted 20+ years with you. I hope karma deals you what you deserve, which is heartbreak and desolation. The same you've wreaked on your family and those who loved you. You don't know what love is.

Everything you do is to manipulate, the only goal you have is to be seen as something you are not. I didn’t make you a single mom. You did. Where so many would have left you I stayed. Even though it hurt, even though every touch felt like a lie because I knew that you did the same for your AP, I still was here.
Like an idiot.

So, you win. Enjoy your most deep connection. You sure as hell aren’t worth fighting over.

We had a good run, until we didn’t.

The pain of writing this is unreal.
You really think you've been trying the past year or so..
That's because you lifted your bar from the floor -
Utter sexual depravity and entire dishonesty - to slightly above that.
So to you that's raising the bar..
It's still so low I couldn't limbo under it.
You've continued to lie, manipulate and gaslight.
Shout and sneer and stonewall.
With enough affection and concern in between to confuse me and keep me hanging on.
You've sneaked behind my back with your phone.
Bullied me at the most vulnerable times.
Shouted at me for being triggered. And then other times been sympathetic.
Hugging and consoling me one day, saying I'm your top priority, the next day saying you can't take any more.
So I never know where I stand.
Re-reading my journal entries has hammered that into my wrecked mind at last.
I'd already blocked out so much of what you said and did since DDay and supposed "reconciliation".
The way you've broken promises, twisted and completely denied things you previously confessed. Made me feel like a lunatic.
You thought I'd be "fixed" in a few months and it would all "go away" It didn't.
So you unravelled.
Telling me you got with me because I was your "partner in crime" and before that "I suppose because you were so tenacious " or that I was "very, very pretty"
Never "because I loved you so much"
Our whole marriage has been deceit.
Getting worse and worse.
Obsessed with every sexual image you could possibly see. All your sexual energy into magazines then screens - when it became a rampant disease.
A liar.
An unfaithful cheat.
God knows what you were doing to other women I didn't see - even if you didn't actually fuck them.
Whispering in their ear like you did to me.
I saw you doing intimate things in plain sight in our home.
Like you did to me at the start.
You were 13 years older than me. You knew better.
I'd been abused so much - but never by a wolf in sheep's clothing like you.
I thought I was your person.
That you meant your promises. You utterly fooled me.
And you systematically smashed me to pieces.
A man who could get off on what you do is repulsive.
And KNOWING that yet still carrying on.
And my grief just ran off you like water on Teflon.
The idea that you could be watching real humans suffering on the screen.
You didn't care how young they might be.
You think you love me.
You don't know how.
You don't truly love our children  - or how would you risk exposing them to your vile habits?
Masturbating in common living areas.
Leaving pornography on family computers and TVs
Let your daughter see your pornography history on your old phone you KNEW I was giving her.
Didn't fess up and stop me. Just assumed she'd keep it a shameful secret.
Stopped my sex abuse counselling because they said it sounded like they might have to report you.
Watched me sob and plead and rage and it was "annoying" to you.
Broke promise after promise. Destroyed my self esteem and sanity.
Made me feel ugly and unwanted.
Because I actually was in your eyes.
Were "attracted to" and looked at schoolgirl images because you "liked it"
I can never excuse, justify or forget that.
It's sick.
And I was sleeping with you while you looked at those images.
I gave you the best years of my life. Over HALF my whole life.
I covered up for you.
Saved you from possible arrest, loss of children, loss of job.
You did not give one solitary fuck. Because you knew I'd keep quiet.
You abandoned me when I needed you most.
I lost my son.
Annihilated himself. My child.
I identified his body. I'm actually glad you weren't with me now.
Because that would be tainted too. The worst moment of my life, at least I wasn't with someone pretending to be authentic while I begged him to come back to me.
And you continued to crucify me.
Stopped sleeping with me for seven years.
That's unforgivable. I've never been able to grieve him or heal.
You have NEVER been there emotionally. Not fully.
And largely removed yourself physically.
Whilst I dealt with all our daughter and grandchild's abuse and the fallout alone.
You just wanted a superficial, peaceful life. No real connection. Just your own boring routine to keep away from me and my feelings.
Never really wanted me sexually after the chase was over. You said "I want us to have a fantastic sex life"
And "I want you to carry our child".
You just had a pornography life. Not a love life with me.
You've tainted every part of our marriage.
Destroyed my future.
I have no career. Because everything fell on me.
I had no family or childcare.
No money of my own.
Now no health and a disability si I can't work or study.
You've destroyed my dream of a future retirement. A new life.
I have trauma, depression and CPTSD because of you. Now been told by my psychiatrist you undoubtedly worsened my bipolar and panic disorder.
And now you've assaulted me.
Such rage at my trauma - caused by YOU - that you put your hands on me.
Pushed me.
After physically intimidating me before that.
Your "gentle" push has needed several days of pain meds.
And I've covered for you again by not telling a GP
I was never emotionally or psychologically safe.
But now you've crossed that line, I'm not physically safe either.
The emotional abuse that USED to shut me up wasn't working any more. So you lost it completely.
I thought till then MAYBE there was a chance.
You have totally, completely broken my heart.
You are not the man I thought you were, hoped you could be, begged you to be.
I miss and crave the man I wanted and convinced myself you were. He wasn't real.
I ache for you.
Your skin, your smell. Shared a bed for 26 years.
I just want to ring and tell you to come back to me.
Great, heaving sobs as I write this.
But I see now that I never had you at all. Just part of you.
I gave you everything. I was an open book..
And your cold hearted, self entitled and obsessive sexual behaviour was more important than me the whole time.
You wouldn't know the truth if it punched you in the face.
You swore on my life, staring into my eyes as you lied to me.
AND YOU STILL WILL NOT DO THE NECESSARY WORK TO CHANGE. EVEN AFTER LAYING HANDS ON ME.
I'm not your priority..
Never was.
Despite saying over and over you'd never leave me and wanted our marriage. You walked out.
The irony that you have weapons around in case our daughter's dangerous ex broke in. But YOU were the danger.
And have left me alone in the house now if he rocks up too.
I've loved you the whole time, fucking adored you, and you did not deserve me one iota.
I see that now.
You were ALWAYS punching above with me.
I had so much to give when we met.
And now look at me.
We cannot be together like this.
I'm petrified. No clue how to be without you.
I've loved you since I was 19.
But I have to stop being a victim.
Every w***
Every lie
Every sneer
Every girl you stared at on the street
Every video and picture
Every year you watched me fade away.
I hope it's all worth it to you.
I TRIED and TRIED but you can never give me what I need.
If you agree to a fair settlement, I'll disappear as soon as it's done.
No amicable friendship as you've never been my friend.
And don't fight me in Court.
You'll be bringing a knife to a gun fight.
I have evidence of EVERYTHING.