Dear friend,
I pity you. You can't take care of yourself--you spend all of your time taking care of your lies. You spend your energy crafting individualized versions of the truth for everyone in your life. You are so fixated on hiding your true self that you've ultimately lost yourself. Mission accomplished, I guess.
You probably don't need to be told this, but nobody in my circle of support is going to fall for your lies anymore. They know the score. They know that you, fully aware of the harm your affair caused your family, the OW's family, were trying to start it up again. Four little children had been hurt and would have been hurt again, yet you charged ahead anyway. Bless your AP for doing the right thing when you broke NC. Bless her for giving your sinister, conspiratorial message to her husband, and bless him for passing it along to the people who would make sure I knew what you had done so I could protect myself and my sons.
Your AP is so done with you. She is doing the real work of R. I just know she regrets anything she had to do with you, not only because the shame of being a WS follows you for life, but because you are a horrible person. I'm glad she can cut you out completely. I envy her that. I don't envy the shame she's brought on herself, and how that must be compounded now that she knows that you are a fundamentally a liar, a slimeball, a deeply selfish child who masquerades as a man. She is your ex-AP. That partnership is utterly dissolved. Even she knows the score. She used you as a pawn, a human dildo, and even she sees that you weren't much good for those things. You are even less than how she initially saw you, and she clearly didn't see you as a man of integrity when she offered to start the affair.
Never ever tell me that our sons are your whole world. That is bullshit. You did not have any interest in nurturing our beautiful boys. You only paid lip-service to the idea after DDay. You are using two precious, innocent lives to spin yet another narrative, to sell your victimhood to your next crop of enablers. That's so despicable. Your son's face was the background for all your WhatsApp messages. His beautiful eyes stared right at you while you dove headfirst into emotional infidelity and later when you would spend hours composing sexually explicit messages to her. You ignored him because he didn't serve you in those moments. Now that they can give you credibility, you are obsessed. I'm not fooled. You do not love your sons. You have failed to protect them. I will fight as hard as I need to protect them from you.
You are not better off without me, because you are incapable of bringing yourself to the place of "better." You are a toxic human who adds poison to everything you touch. You chose to be that person. You chose it over and again. You chose it last week. You will almost certainly choose it today and tomorrow as well.
If you find yourself at a point where your good choices outnumber your bad, I will be curious to see what kind of person you really are. What you actually think, feel, enjoy, when you are not trying to embellish and lie and hide. I am also curious what it's like to be inside the International Space Station, or to ride on a blue whale's back while it ascends into the depths. Realistically, I'll probably never know any of those things.
If you refuse recovery and keep adding gasoline to the trashfire of your life, you're probably going to die. Don't worry, I'll make sure that the boys have strong male role-models. I'll think of a kid-friendly way to share how sick you were.
Sorry that infidelity is one of your addictions now. My guess is that you'll be tempted by meth next. That's some scary stuff. Good luck not dying.
With all sincerity,
Your recovering codependent
