We got into a fight today over text. I enrolled my two younger sons into daycare this weekend. I was a stay at home mom before this, and now they are going to go to daycare. And the amount of rage I feel at that is unreal. I am so furious that I don't get to be with them all day anymore. That I don't get to be the one to take care of everything for them. That someone else is going to be raising my babies.
I couldn't take it anymore. He said something about the affair being my fault because I was a shitty wife and I lost it. I went off on him with my truth. How I was pregnant and he put our baby's life in danger. How I was carrying everything and had begged him for help and he never did. How I was battling post partum depression and was afraid to tell him because I didn't want to add to his stress. How he was never there for me. He said some ugly things back of course, that's what he does.
I shouldn't have done it. I know better! New contact = new hurts. And he gets to hurt me with the new shit he said to me. Even when I feel like I'm standing up to him, it's pointless. He's not going to hear me. Even if he did, it would be for a half an hour and then he'd be back to blaming me. On some level, I think that in my mind, fighting with him at least keeps some kind of connection between us. How messed up is that? That I want to keep that connection between us even if its only through us fighting. Because I've been making so much progress on letting go. But to cut that last little bit is still so hard. To accept that even though we have kids together, we don't have a special bond anymore. That he is not my person. That I really do need to let go.
Maybe I just wanted him to know how mad I am. I've mostly kept my cool with him through this whole process. I haven't really shown him my rage. He even now will say things to try to get sympathy and I'm sick of it. I don't feel sorry for him, he's the one who caused this! And I'm in way more pain than he is.
3 comments posted: Monday, July 18th, 2022
First Court Date
We finally have our first court date coming up on Wednesday.
For a quick quick background: I found out about my STBXH's second affair in November 2021. I had previously found out about another and we tried for R, but obviously that didn't last because he was having his second affair at the same time. I told him right away in November that I was done. He moved out in January, and we've been sharing custody of our children since then.
Anyway, for the point of this post. Lately I had been making a lot of progress on myself and with healing. I felt like I finally admitted to myself that I didn't want STBXH back. Even if he turned around and worked on himself and begged me for another chance, the answer would be no. It should be an easy decision with everything he's put me through, but it's been hard to get there. It's me being able to accept that we will never be back together and that the future I dreamed of is never going to happen. There will be new dreams and a new future, but it will be different from what I expected.
Now, however, with the court date coming up, I feel like I am right back on that emotional roller coaster. The fear, the anxiety, the tears, and the depression are all back in full force. I am hardly keeping it together! We're meeting with a court referee who will decide things like custody and support for the time until we get a finalized divorce. My lawyer will be there with me and she's not worried. For me though, it's incredibly emotional. It's a very big step in making this divorce real. After this I assume we'll start the negotiations of the actual divorce agreement. It's hard for me to explain what I'm feeling in words, its so complicated. It's 5000 different emotions all at the same time.
Has anyone else felt this way once things have really gotten set in motion? I guess it's one thing to think about the divorce in abstract and to start to accept it. But it's another when it's actually happening and becoming real. At least for me. No part of me wants to stop the divorce. But I'm still devastated.
3 comments posted: Monday, July 11th, 2022
I had two big wins for myself today (and last night)!
1. Last night I slept on my STBXH's side of the bed for the first time.
2. My STBXH installed our dishwasher about a year ago and rigged it together. It took him hours upon hours, days upon days and soooo much frustration. I was afraid to talk to him he was so mad at it. Our kitchen flooded so many times before he finally got it together. It held up until now, but today it started leaking. So I went over to Home Depot and had someone help me get everything I needed and explained what to do. Then I went home and I fixed it in about 45 minutes.
They sound small, but we all know its the small ones that hit home sometimes and these were huge for me! I feel on top of the world!!!
Share your own wins, let's cheer each other on!!
11 comments posted: Monday, June 20th, 2022
Kids want to go to Dad’s house
How do you all deal with when the kids want to go to the other’s house?
My kids are 2, 4, and 5, all boys. Right now their dad has them over the weekend, I have them during the week. We are still early in the divorce process and have no written custody terms.
My house has remained as normal as I can do. Same rules apply, bedtimes, mealtimes, snacks, baths, the whole thing. His house is a different story. As far as I can tell it’s pretty much a free for all. McDonald’s weekly. Chuckie Cheese weekly. Stay up watching tv until you sleep, sleep wherever you want. Giant water slide bouncy castle outside.
I’ve heard in the long run they will see through all that. That I should do my best to stay stable and keep the discipline as normal. I told myself that they’re so young, they don’t mean to hurt me when they say they want to go over there. That it’s even a good thing because I want them to have a good relationship with their dad. But ever since summer break started it’s been everyday that they want to go over there, all three of them. And it really hurts.
I guess I’m looking for people who have been in my shoes. Give me some hope?
38 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022
20 steps back
I think some of you know my story, I've had a few posts to check.
I thought I was making so much progress. I hired a lawyer, I filed for divorce. I was feeling better leaving my kids with STBXH, and actually surprising myself by enjoying some of my time alone. I was still feeling uneasy not having the kids around, but less so. When we first separated I had this feeling that I wasn't allowed to go do things, be out of the house too long, ect. Because I was so used to having to get right back home to take care of the kids. I was making so much progress in feeling less anxiety about that. Then shit hit the fan in a bad way.
I don't really have the emotional bandwidth to go into all of it. But long story short, he showed violence for the first time. He broke down a door at my house. My kids and I weren't present at the time, but we came home and found it. It really really scared me. I didn't think he was capable of violence towards me. This might sound like just a door but it felt personal. He broke it, then came back and broke it a second time. My lawyer told me to get a PPO (personal protection order) so I did. I feel guilty about it but I was so scared guys. The next time I saw him he had so much rage in his eyes when he looked at me. So much disgust. He said such nasty things to try to hurt me (this was after he broke the door, but before I got the PPO).
So fast forward to today. PPO has been served. Divorce papers have been served. I go to pick up the kids (the PPO allows for some contact because we have kids together), and he's trying to talk to me. He says that he's legitimately concerned about me because his lawyer says that the divorce papers that we served him are a mess and that my lawyer must not know at all what shes doing, and that he'll be able to have exactly what he wants no problem. He's looking at me wanting to make sure that I'm not being taken advantage of. And then saying that no matter what is written and agreed to that he's going to take care of me financially because he doesn't want the kids to have to go to daycare. Then 30 seconds later he's telling me that his lawyer is aggressive and he's going to be coming at me hard, but its ok because its just on paper. In real life he's gonna take care of me so he's still the good guy. Then he slips and calls me babe. And I about lost it and started crying in front of him which I haven't done in months.
It hasn't even entered his mind that I don't want him to take care of me. I want to take care of myself! I want to be independent from him. I don't want to depend on him because he's not dependable. I want him to pay his fair share (child support), and I will work part-time to make up the rest of what I need and that's it, end of story. Separate lives. I think that he thinks I'm not capable of taking care of myself. That I have no chance.
I have been verbally and emotionally abused by him since January. It's fucking with my head. I love him and I miss him and I hate him and I never want to have to talk to him again. It hurts too much to see him. On the weekend that I had the kids, he had his AP and her kids over to his place, riding the four-wheeler up and down the street for everyone to see. He's moved on and replaced me. He's trying to blame the fact that my oldest son is having a hard time adjusting to all of this on me. He is literally scolding me through text like I'm a child.
I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I've lost all the progress I had made. This weekend I was back to feeling anxious the entire time. Felt like I was doing something wrong any time I left the house. I feel lost and lonely. I feel powerless. I know I need to turn to God, He will protect me. But it's hard.
I just want it to be over. I want the divorce to be over and decided. I want to have some kind of routine where he feels settled enough to just leave me the hell alone. We'll do pick up/drop offs for the kids and that'll be our only contact. I want to stop hurting.
20 comments posted: Sunday, May 22nd, 2022
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Without going too much into detail, I’m about 4 months out from the latest d day. We separated when I found out. He’s been moved out for about 3 months now. He picks up our kids and has them over weekends.
I still cry myself to sleep. I don’t want R. I know that that’s not possible, we’d just end up in the same position. And I know I can’t look past everything he’s done. There’s been so much and I’m still finding out new things even now. I’m just so hurt and betrayed and I feel so much anger and rage. And I’m exhausted by it. I just want it to stop. I want to be done with the pain.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I guess to know that I’m not the only one who’s felt this way? Maybe looking for hope that someday I won’t be feeling like this. I keep going for my boys, but it’s so hard. How long will I be this broken?
30 comments posted: Monday, April 4th, 2022
It's actually happening
This is going to be a long one. I can't sleep, I need to get this out.
Backstory - DDay1 was back in February 2020. WH had been having an affair for about a year. It had started before I got pregnant with our third child. Continued through my (rough) pregnancy. We tried to R, I went straight to wanting that without fully processing everything. We did fake R as he never stopped contact with the AP. Then we started for real.
DDay2 was the Sunday after Thanksgiving 2021. Another affair, new AP, had been going on for 6 months. (There had been other women too, but he says he only talked to them, never met in person. Like I can believe that.) So we had been in "real" R for about a year give or take before he started cheating again. Both times I found out, then he confirmed it. He never just confessed. This time I didn't even consider R. I knew I couldn't do it. He had me so fooled that we were in R. I wanted so badly to be happy, and he gave me just enough to give me hope. He'd be distant, but then plan a weekend away for the two of us. We weren't having as much sex, but when we did he would initiate about half the time. I really thought we were going to get through it and be happy again. I was so proud of us.
Now I don't recognize the man standing in front of me. I am a stay at home mom. From the beginning, he has said that he wants to continue to provide, let me still be a stay at home mom, at the very least until our youngest goes to school in a few years. He's promised to never abandon me, to always take care of his family. We agreed that we wouldn't officially divorce right away, so that I could stay on his insurance. He opened a new bank account for himself. He split his direct deposit so half went to his account and half to mine. We were going to be married on paper, but have separate households and act like we were divorced. I should mention his job keeps him traveling. He's only home on the weekends.
I'm not stupid. I knew that there would be fights. We're both so emotional right now. But I told myself to wait it out and let the dust settle. To give this arrangement at least a month or two before I decided anything. He only finally moved out last weekend. I make so many excuses for him to myself. When he gets angry and says things to me, I tell myself that he's hurting too. And he comes back in 5 minutes and apologizes. There was a part of me that still believed we are soulmates. That even if he moves out and even if it takes a few years, that he would work on himself and we would find our way back to each other.
I no longer believe that. He has started to become emotionally abusive. He threatens to become financially abusive. He is showing signs of being controlling. I feel like I have entered this other reality where everything is wrong. It's like a fricken Lifetime movie. This is not my life. This is not my husband.
He has told me that everything is my fault. That he has been hurting for four years and I didn't help him. That I didn't see it and I didn't help him. That I wasn't a good enough wife. Or mom. Or homemaker. I didn't make good enough dinners. I didn't just sit with him and scratch his back and wait for him to open up. I didn't make him feel wanted. He never felt loved by me. That this other woman makes him happy.
He apologized and cried a few hours later.
I have emails to two attorneys to have consultations. I intend to file for divorce this week before I lose my nerve. I am terrified. I am terrified of so many things. I'm ashamed to say it, but I am terrified of his reaction. It's going to hurt him. After everything he's done, and I'm still worried about him, about how this is going to destroy him. I'm stronger than he is. I'm going to be ok. He's not going to be able to handle this. And he's going to try to bring me down and hurt me for it. Not physically. There have been no signs of that. I think he's too proud to do that, it would hurt his reputation, his image of being the good guy. The guy who leaves his bitch horrible ex-wife but still pays her bills so she can be a stay at home mom. In his house. With his money. Where he still makes the rules and has all the control.
These are facts. This is what is happening. But putting it in black and white like this makes him look like a monster. And I haven't even said everything. There is so much more. So much more hurt. And pain. And betrayal. But I still love him. And when I see him fall apart I am still worried about him. I think he is in the middle of a breakdown. He's not mentally stable. He's in so much pain. I worry about him. Even though he doesn't worry about me.
I feel paralyzed and empowered at the same time. One minute I feel in control and that everything is going to be ok. The next minute I feel like I can't file for divorce, that's just not something I can do. It's just not who we are. Even though it is.
I'm just rambling. My thoughts are so scrambled. This is more a journal than anything else I guess. I just have to get it out. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sleep. I can't think about this. It's too much. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. Shock. I've been shaking all day, I can't stop. I want to wake up from this nightmare. And as I'm typing this he texts me and says how sorry he is for everything he said today. And that he loves me. It makes me want to believe him. It makes me not want to hurt him. It makes me not want to file. But I have to. I hope that he can understand and one day not hate me for it. I hope one day I will be ok with the fact that he does hate me.
11 comments posted: Sunday, January 23rd, 2022
Just Beginning this Process
Hello, like the title says, I'm just beginning this process. DDay 1 was February 2020. Affair for about a year. False R for a few months while he was still seeing the OW. Then started real R in June 2020. I thought we were going strong and making progress. I was so cocky about it. I thought we were doing amazing, I was so proud of us. Then DDay 2 was 11/28/21, about a week ago. Affair for 6 months with a new OW. This time she has kids who he's met and spent time with. Her kids are older, 12 and 13, and she's divorced. As far as I know she thought he was also divorced and now that she's found out she's stopped seeing him. But I don't know that for sure. I don't know that she hasn't forgiven him; she could still be talking to him and taking him back for all I know. I don't know what to believe anymore, there have been so many lies. He had me fooled so well.
So anyway, that's the quick very of the story. I can't do R again. I told him that we're over, that I'm done. We have three boys together (5, 4, and 2). He travels for work during the week so he's not home, but he hasn't moved out yet so he stays in the boys' room on the weekend. He's looking for a house or apartment to rent.
I find that I'm way more sad/deeply depressed then I am angry. I feel like I'm not doing this right; that I'm supposed to be more angry. That I'm supposed to be screaming at him every time I see his face. I just feel so lost.
I've talked to a lawyer and explored all of that. But for the sake of health insurance I think we're going to do separation instead of divorce, at least until our youngest starts school. I am a stay at home mom and WH says he wants to continue to provide and let me continue to do that, at least until youngest starts school in a couple years. Maybe that's naïve of me, I really have no idea. I'm honestly just trying to take a minute before I figure everything out. I'm still processing that this is even happening to me. It hasn't all settled in yet and become fully real.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, December 7th, 2021
I can't believe I'm back here
I don't know where to start. I cannot believe I'm here again. I thought I never would be. Quick backstory I guess... I found out February 2020 that my husband had been having an affair for about a year. We went back and forth for a while, fake R, the whole bit. Then in June we started R for real and I thought it was going well. It took a long time of course, but he was doing everything and anything I needed. We got down to the "why" it happened. He is a lineman and always on the road for his job. His apprenticeship was 3 1/2 years long and during that time it was really stressful for the both of us. He became really depressed. Like, cannot feel a thing, doesn't recognize himself depressed. That's when the affair started. I'm not trying to make excuses, just explain that this was a big reason why I was able to forgive him and try for R. Because it wasn't like he felt like he could do whatever he wanted, or like he deserved more sex or something like that. He was lost and hurting too. Anyway, we were working on R. I couldn't believe it. This past year I have been so happy. I thought we were so happy.
That brings us to this last Sunday night. We were just hanging out. We had already put our boys to bed and were watching tv, laughing and joking with each other. We started to get ready for bed and I saw a FB message on my phone. The tv/movie message. The "You don't know me, but I'm concerned about my friend. Are you still married to WH?". And I knew it. I showed it to WH and he broke down and told me. It's been going on for 6 months. I feel so humiliated. I had no idea. We've gone on vacations, nights away just the two of us. We've had fun! We've had a sex life! A good one! And the whole time he's been with this other woman. She's divorced and has two kids 12/13 ages I think. He's met the kids. Stayed at their house. They live across the state from us. He would see her when he was there for work. He still travels for work, he goes all around the state kinda at random.
I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is over. I don't have suicidal thoughts. I have three beautiful boys and I could never do that to them. But I am in so much pain. If I didn't have my boys then I don't think I would want to go on like this. You all know this feeling. You cannot even describe how much pain you are in. I'm staying numb as much as I can. If I start to think about it and let it become real I completely fall apart and I can't do that because I have to take care of my kids. I feel like if I gave into it and let myself feel it, it would kill me. I would collapse on the floor and not be able to get up. I'm terrified to let myself feel angry yet. I know that its coming. My mind is telling me that once I get angry then it's really real and we're really over. I can't even say the words out loud.
The first time around, my mind went straight to wanting to R. I thought we have to fix this, work this out. We'll be ok. This time is different. I told him before that I couldn't do this again. He promised me it would never happen again. How would I ever be able to trust him again? I thought we were so happy! I had no idea the whole time. I know its over. I'm terrified. I already miss him so much.
There is so much betrayal. I can't comprehend it all.
109 comments posted: Friday, December 3rd, 2021