Newest Member: onthefence2024


Me: BS (38) Him: WS (45) D-Day (Jan 2022), going through D. 1 DD age 4. Just want to know there’s light at the end of this mess.

Psyching myself up (out) before court

First court appearance is next week and I've been meticulously documenting every single interaction, every lie about the affair and parental alienation that he's attempting over the past year. My lawyer says my case is as good as it gets, but I can't help but worry. I really wish I could do this without having to see him in person, yet I'm actually a little curious about how WH is going to respond when he finds out how much I know about his trickle-truthing, lies, smear campaign against me, and even just the affair in general.

Desperately need some good vibes!

6 comments posted: Thursday, May 4th, 2023

Numb and in disbelief

I thought I was strong. I thought I was determined. I can't believe this is how D proceedings are going. A part of me is in denial. A part of me - in a true sign of weakness - debated just getting back together with disgusting, narcissist, evil WH to avoid all this anguish. He's going after the house, the kid, everything I worked so hard for in life while he sat idly by benefitting.

I'm numb. I'm in disbelief. I don't even know if I even have the anger in me anymore. I want to collapse in tears but I don't even have that in me.

Just looking for something to get me through. Do I expose him for what he is to his entire circle who might be able to get him to see the error of his ways? Is there a point? Would that make D proceedings worse? I feel so out of control and vengeful.

When do I wake up from this nightmare?

9 comments posted: Friday, December 16th, 2022

What do you tell everyone else?

OK, so family knows about WH’s A (or will know soon if we’re talking extended family), friends know, and we’re working on telling DD. There should be a term for D-day for the kids.

I have a large social circle so WH’s disgusting A is quickly becoming more public by the day (hour?). And I feel unapologetically vindicated knowing that…especially compared to WH’s lack of friends.

My question is: what do you tell all the other randoms in your life? For people who - out of sincere caring or just plain old curiosity - ask why you are divorced / separated? For instance:

1. Co-workers. I literally know hundreds of people through my career. A few dozen actually came to our wedding and I consider myself close with a handful of them. No one at work knows yet but as soon as one person knows it will spread like wildfire.

2. Parents of DD’s classmates or friends (present and future). Scene: talking to another mom at school drop off and sharing that I am separated / D. What do I say if / when she asks "oh can I ask why?"?

3. Random friends. Including friends of friends

or new people I meet at some social gathering. Saying something like "it just didn’t work out" or "we had many issues" sounds lame and I sure as hell am not about to protect WH’s reputation bc his A is literally THE reason we are D.

Ideas? Anyone went through this?

I’ll add that I am mega awkward in these types of conversations (not that I’ve had experience with them). Meaning I can’t take silence and usually ramble on. I’m not sure providing all the sordid details of A is the right way to go either.

So far I’ve come up with "He had an A". Is that mic too big to drop / will it break someone’s toe? How many jaws do I need to scrape off the floor with that line?

14 comments posted: Sunday, November 6th, 2022


Particularly bad week of flooding this week with no idea why. Feel like I’m back in JFO territory. Lying down here next to DD in angry tears, when I haven’t cried about this for months.

Why am I left to pick up the pieces of something he willingly and consciously smashed to smithereens?

Why does he get to cry about having "no more savings again" bc I decided to D?

Why does he get to cry about having to tell his mom we’ve separated?

Why does he get to cry when DD asks him why he can’t come in the house?

Why does he get to cry at all?

Why does he get to play the role of good father on the one day at week he picks her up from school?

Why does he get the opportunity to interact at all with DD given he denied her existence to AP? He does not deserve an ounce of the excitement she has when she sees him. He got pissed at me for spending my own money to order cupcakes for her school class on her birthday, and yet spends his own on buying AP a Christmas giff (needless to say he never bought me or DD one). Yeah, read that one again.

Why does he get to be relatively healthy while one of my closest, most kind-hearted friends gets diagnosed with terminal cancer?

Why does his family get to see DD when he blames mine for A?

Why do I feel guilty for wanting to stop paying his car insurance?

And yeah, I’ve read all the theories. DD deserves all the love that people have to give including his family. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself. Blah blah blah. Why should I be forced to give myself this gift in the first place when I should have nothing to forgive?

"Wayward" spouse? Wayward sounds like someone who just happened to get some bad directions in a foreign city and took the wrong turn. Call these people what they are - unfaithful, selfish asses, lying POS, narcissistic psychopaths, abusers. Not "wayward".

Btw, I’m in IC, I’ve got an amazing support system, a beautiful, wonderful DD, and I am acutely aware of how privileged I am that I even have the choice to D.

Doesn’t make this any easier or fair. The amount of why’s in my head are only outnumbered by the number of lies he told.

24 comments posted: Monday, October 31st, 2022

WS asked for me to keep it from his family

A few weeks after D-Day WS asked me to refrain from telling his friends and family about his affair (note we are separated and heading for D, no chance at R). Likely out of shame, but I cannot be bothered to care about why.

At first I was so numbed by the pain I didn’t even have the energy to think about who to tell on his side. Then I hit the point where I was so enraged that I wanted to send an email blast to his entire family (a large family, we’re talking 30+ first cousins alone) and all his friends as well as his godmother.

I now swing between the two on a regular basis.

Am I 1) being irrationally angry to want to tell people the truth - on an if-asked basis as it probably only give me short-term gratification to publish a social media post on his affair or 2) a fool for even considering protecting his lies and reputation?

Also adding that he is Catholic and so is his mom and godmother. One of his friends is a priest. And yeah, I get the irony in that. My family and I are non-religious.

16 comments posted: Friday, October 28th, 2022

How to tell our child…

We have a four year old who has been asking whether WS "Daddy is a bad guy" and why I threw out my bridal bouquet (which used to be in our bathroom). I provide parenting time, video call him for her whenever she asks, and haven’t breathed a word of his affair to her. I truly believe children are super perceptive and somehow she knows he did something wrong to hurt me and basically destroy our family.

I want to be truthful and upfront to teach her the values of honesty but also don’t want her to take on the burden of my anger and resentment, and I want to try to encourage a good relationship between them. Also kids in school talk about family etc. and I want her to be prepared and know her story. Our families know, her teacher knows, my friends know (some cross over into her play date friends), and AP posted a social media profile about how big of a lying pos her father is, and I’d rather she find out from us parents than any of these other parties.

WS agrees with having us both sit her down to have a conversation, although he also seems terrified of the idea. We were supposed to talk to her last weekend but he brushed it off.

Any tips on how to tell her?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

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