This is about to get more real and I’m scared

I’ve had NC from WS since he told me Tuesday he was choosing her and their 8 weeks over me and our 15 years. Tuesdays messages were all about how he was feeling, devastated he was hurting me, confused, worried for me. I ignored them.

I fly to the UK Monday to see him. I need to hear everything once, not just that he fell in love and doesn’t understand why. I know I’m tormenting myself by doing it.

I’ve started to tell more friends about his affair and that he has left me, everyone is completely shocked, telling me that if ever there was a couple this wouldn’t happen to it was us.

In my head I’m being strong. I’ve not messaged him on a stupid pretence. I’ve taken my wedding off, I’m moving all his clothes out of our wardrobe today. Things of his lying around the house are being put away but yesterday was awful.

I woke up yesterday with their "secret " song going around in my head and I couldn’t stop it. The tears came and oh boy they didn’t stop. When I finally calmed down and went out I put the car through a car wash but forgot to press the button to turn the engine off and the wipers were still on. I had a blind panic but luckily the lady behind me was English too and she got the wash stopped and I sorted things out. She looked at me and asked "are you having a bad day" and I burst into tears on her. She was so kind to me, god she must have thought what a lunatic!

The thing is I know that what he did was wrong and that I deserve a whole heap more respect than he has shown me and our marriage. Why didn’t he stop and back away when he his feelings started to change towards her at the beginning, god it wasn’t that long ago! Why did he come to Spain and torture me by telling me everything and say at the same time he wanted nothing to change between us BUT I love him and still can’t see my "new" life here without him. I don’t want him not in my life. If he was to say on Monday he’s sorry, remorseful, wants to work on himself and us I know I’d say yes please. Id be willing to give it a try even though right now I don’t know if I could ever forget how cruel he’s been or if I could ever fully trust him again but I’d still say yes please. Does that make me pathetic or just human?

This is where i am scared. Telling his mum on Tuesday face to face feels like putting the final nail in the coffin (although I’m not sure he will actually come with me to see her). He’s currently living with AP having no contact with his friends or family and not going to work. He’s in hiding, which is typical him to bury his head in the sand. His best friend has told him again he is making a huge mistake. Once the news goes round the family (they are all very close) will he feel isolated and feel he can’t realise /rectify his error. Will I have backed him into a corner?

He’s blocked me on FB but liked a post I wrote about some work being finished on our home.

I don’t believe he will change his mind on her so I’m trying to build walls to protect myself but at the same time hoping things will be different. Reading this post back I see how confused I am, how I read it and think "this woman needs to wake up" he’s not coming back.

In one of his messages he said he loved our life together and that moving to Spain was a dream and that giving it and me up is the most difficult thing he has ever done but shows how he feels (towards her) to do it. I want to shout "doesn’t seem like it was very difficult" and "don’t give it up then", what a contradiction.

I’m such a mess. I hate feeling like this.

61 comments posted: Friday, October 14th, 2022

How can he love 2 people and how do I deal with it? (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Wednesday, September 28th, 2022