BW, 49 (kids 10, 13, 14) D-Day: April 10, 2024Separated: April 12, 2024Divorce Filed: July 11, 2024 (after STBXH couldn't do NC and continued to lie about A)

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." — Carl Jung

Struggling with not going ballistic...

I am really, really struggling with staying sane and not going ballistic during this divorce process. I've filed, I was the breadwinner, and now my STBXH is saying I'm ruining his life, trying to screw him in the divorce, etc. It's intolerable. I find myself engaging in lengthy, nasty text exchanges with him, and then feel all wound up, rageful and resentful. I really, really wish he would just go away. I am trying so hard to take the high ground, and be the adult in this process, but it's really difficult after all the wrongs heaped upon me.

I'd say let the lawyers deal with it, but he hasn't even engaged a lawyer yet. I feel like he's trying to stonewall this process, because he now realizes the reality of his situation....he's literally screwed the pooch. He's going to have to get a real job to support himself, find a place where he can take the kids (if he wants custody), etc., etc. I've always been the fixer and the over-functioner, and apparently now that he doesn't have that, he simply can't function. In addition, his mother stows up announced at my house and I want nothing to do with her either, despite her being Granny to my kids.

I guess I'm just looking for a space to rant versus any real advice. I know I should take the high road for my kids, preserve my dignity to get through this without looking like a crazy, revengeful person...BUT.

He says: "I cheated. I made a mistake. God forbid your kids every make a mistake with how you're acting." !!!!

22 comments posted: Friday, August 2nd, 2024

Anyone feel backed into a corner to file D?

I've posted that I've filed for D and we're now in the process. We've told the kids. My STBXH asked me, "Is this what you want?" It's not what I wanted. I didn't want a broken home and failed marriage. But, he refused to do the hard work. He stayed in touch with the AP -- I caught him texting her (likely for the 3 months we were trying to reconcile) and even telling her he loved her! He wouldn't share his location, give me his passcode to his phone, get into IC. He said he'd go to MC to work on communication going forward and then cut off all contact with her. But, I just couldn't believe it. So, I filed...even though I'm not sure in my heart of hearts I wanted to. I truly felt backed into a corner.

Now, I'm plagued with thoughts of maybe it could still be repaired. Did I file too soon? Did I not give him enough time to wake up from this crazed state of infatuation he's in? I'm just struggling with two compelling desires here -- on one hand, the desire to save my marriage and family, and the other, the desire to be free of his lies and the worry that he'll continue lying.

Maybe I'm just getting nostalgic for the good times we had in the past. I'm also overwhelmed at life ahead...raising three kids on my own, being alone, being stigmatized. Ugh, it's such a roller coaster.

Anyone else feel like they were the ones forced to file D, even though it's not what you really wanted? Maybe with time the realization comes that it was for the best, after all?

9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Successful Custody Arrangements for Kids (Ages 10, 13 & 14)??

Am looking for anyone who has advice on successful custody arrangements for their children. I've filed for divorce today after finding out about the affair 3 months ago, and after attempts to reconcile that were met with more lies and by BH not being able to leave his AP.

I know each state has standard possession orders, which can be modified by the parties....I'm looking for advice from others on how they've made this work with their kids. 50/50? Stay with me during the week/ school time and be with their dad on the weekends? Any words of advice?

Thanks!

6 comments posted: Thursday, July 11th, 2024

Getting Cold Feet Filing -- Again

Hi All,

This is my first post. I had D-Day April 10 of this year, we separated and I was hoping WS would put forth the effort to reconcile. I found a couples therapist, suggested books, etc. He just never showed up. Booked a few sessions, but he just kept being ambivalent and saying he didn't know what he wanted. After he told the MC that he understood to move forward meant NC, I busted him calling/texting the AP. I asked if he'd be willing to send a text with me right there, saying it was over and asking AP not to contact him, and he said he couldn't right then...it would upset the AP because she was working and "had a lot going on."

After that, I made the decision to proceed with divorce. I have the petition ready to go and am sitting on it. Was planning on filing this week, but am heartbroken about how this will devastate our kids (ages 10, 13 and 14).

I don't think a reconciliation is possible with someone who continues to lie about being NC and someone who shows so little initiative to "do what it takes." He said my demands (full transparency, access to phone, credit cards, Life360 or the like) would mean like living with an ankle monitor on.

Now that we're facing divorce, he's saying he hasn't given up on the marriage.

This just makes filing so hard...thinking I may be overlooking the 1% chance for reconciliation. Any words of advice?

Thanks.

7 comments posted: Monday, July 8th, 2024