Newest Member: Issyibbitt


Me mid 40s BH
Her mid 40s WW
1 year EA/PA

"Just" a R, getting by

Consequences arrive 2 years later

I think maybe I’ve finally hit the dreaded POLF.

I found out last week that my WW’s APs ex W killed herself. I don’t know more than that, and it has given me mixed feelings. WW feels awful for obvious reasons and I really don’t have it in me to comfort her with this. My W doesn’t know any more details than I do about what happened. Basically we found out from a friend who didn’t know anything about the A when it was going on, shewas a friend of APs ex, and she only told minimum information.

All of this is just crazy. W feels guilty because she is the reason why AP got divorced, and now she’s dead and W probably feels responsible. I’ve been very bitter at APs ex because had she just shared with me what she knew, but I never wished her harm.

That being said, I am ambivalent at best to this news, and certainly not in any place where I can help my W navigate her problems.

What concerns me is I don’t care. I’m finding myself caring less and less. And I’m seeing my W as someone different. It’s like she lowered her value. I can tolerate a lot, but disloyal, especially as we agreed I was the income and she was the SAHM (which she absolutely wanted to do before we even tried to have kids).

Things are good between us for the most part, I don’t trust her but I also don’t care. She isn’t doing anything wrong and is trying her hardest to fix things. It’s just probably never going to be good enough.

The last layer of hell according to Dante was for betrayers, for ever trapped in ice in a frozen wasteland. Sometimes I feel like that the empty cold vacuum of that level of hell seeps into my heart as well.

ETA: I do want to clarify, my WW isn’t expecting me to comfort her, she actually admitted that this is her responsibility and it would be unfair of her to consider that from me. I’m just more concerned about that in my marriage, my W if mourning a death and it’s something that I really can’t get involved in

24 comments posted: Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Why did she have to be so cruel?

It’s deep into almost year 2 of A season post dday 2. This time two years ago was basically the crescendo, where all of the vitriol and horrible comments came out. While I don’t condone in the least the affair at all, I at least understand the lying/gaslighting. It was all awful, but I understand the logic (as best as I can and logic is used lose here). What I don’t understand is why she had to be so damn mean.

I don’t understand why I was the asshole and he was the hero, and why I had to be attacked repeatedly. That is some of the most damage done to our marriage, not only did she betray me by the A, but she went out of her way to hurt me, and that I was a monster for getting in between her "friendship". Small context here, dday 1 was me discovering very inappropriate texts though not sexual, and the story was they got to close, but they were wrong and it won’t happen again. So it was 6
months of me getting more and more confused/upset/angry because she insisted on keeping him as a "friend". Of course it was all lies. I’m just really struggling with how cruel she was, going out of her way to blame me, to attack. Saying things like "he is only a friend, a great friend who was there for me when you weren’t." That was post dday 1.

Just had to vent. I’m not really sure if I’m looking for an answer here, I know my worth and that this is all affair crap and all on her.

30 comments posted: Monday, May 20th, 2024

I Thought it was Getting Better

Just damnit all. Things were getting better. WW was facing her demons, had stopped being defensive, even admitted that she was still a mess and that the crap she pulled on me a month ago was unfair and still selfish. Now, tonight, I had just put the kids to bed and was ready to surprise her with some overdue us time. Before I open the door I hear her talking/crying. My heart skips, because last time I heard this she had made an attempt on her life. So i listen. I don’t feel guilty anymore about this because she cheated and for very other obvious reasons.

She was talking to AP. Now, I don’t think she was actually talking to him, I have a cloned version of her phone, I have all of her SM/message apps on my phone under her account, and I can see if she has downloaded any I don’t have. She hasn’t, far as I can tell, nor have I found any evidence of a burner. We live in tornado alley and get lots of alerts, if she had a burner I would have found it by now because of that. I am pretty sure she was talking to herself/him. And it didn’t sound like she was actually talking to anyone.

I don’t know what I am trying to say. I heard her talking, and I’m trying to figure out what I heard. Definitely heard her say "I was only your side piece and you blew up my life". To me, that sounds like she misses him and regrets how it ended, that she regrets what truth was, not the actual affair. I don’t know for sure what else I heard, but that was enough to crush me, again. I don’t know,
am I reading too much into it?

The affair ended because AP got a girlfriend. WW vehemently denies this, but to me, it was a critical part. For context, days before the A ended, I was out of town for work. I was putting all of the pieces together after 6 months of hell, false R, TT, and now knowing the A had not ended after dday1, and i slowly realized she was still having an affair. We had a phone call, and basically she could tell I was done. Shortly after that phone call, she found out AP was sleeping with another woman. She confessed everything when I came home three days later (on our anniversary of corse).

I don’t know, I feel devastated all over again. Like, almost 2 years later she is still crying over him? She willingly allowed the A to happen, she had so many opportunities to prevent it, and even after to end it and actually be a wife. No matter how much she saw me suffer, it took AP moving on for her to "wake up". She tells me she doesn’t think about him anymore and she doesn’t know what she was thinking during the madness of the A, but just hearing this, now, I don’t know what to feel.

I’m just rambling into the void I guess. At least people here understand where I’m coming from.

45 comments posted: Sunday, April 21st, 2024

Not to thread jack anymore, an apology, and a thank you

First, I wanted to thank everyone on this forum, and for especially calling me out on my Bullshit. I do offer sincere apologies that I went off on speaking absolutes and spoke for a lot of members where I had no business doing so. I have really been thinking about everything, and I know a lot of what I said is wrong or very lopsided at best. I’ll keep my posts up because I said it and I have to own it, but I have realized I need to think a lot more about everything.

I’ve been in a bad place, not only is this year 2 and deep in A season, WW made an attempt on her life not to long ago. Unfortunately not the first time by any means, but definitely the most serious and had I not been there, probably would’ve been successful. All the while being told she was doing this because it’s my fault, I won’t stop punishing her, I don’t care about her, that I have to forgive her. I do know that this is messed up and she needs help. Working on getting serious treatment for her, but it’s a complicated situation.

We had a fight before this attempt, and I told her that her A caused me to fall out of love and I’m still disgusted with her. Brought up that the morning I came home after being overseas for 9 months i know she slept with her AP, I came home 8 hours later. That exploded and we ended up sleeping in different rooms. Then I hear her sobbing. Went and checked on her and that’s when i discovered what was happening. I intervened and was being screamed at to leave her alone, this is my fault, this is what I wanted anyway so she’ll do me the favor. I know I will be told that I should have called 911 and all that, but I have my reasons, and I am not asking for advice on how to handle it. If it happens again I have no choice and will have to make the call.

Things have been really bad since. A lot of "you don’t care if I live or die, if I had died how would you feel without forgiving me," and just a lot of similar things. I know it’s manipulation, and I’ve been withdrawing to protect myself. I had hoped we were going to be a unicorn couple, now I’m sad. I’m not leaving, D isn’t really a viable option anymore. Probably why I’ve been so bitter lately. I see so many people here who have done the work, who have really changed and are thriving. Especially those who successfully Rd, both WS/BS.

I had hoped since WW had done a lot on her own that she could help herself. Plus I see that I have my own very specific hang ups that only I can work on, but I don’t know if I can. Not from lack of trying, because I am, but I can’t get over the sex, especially when she chose AP over me, and then the few times where she was with him first then me. Never was it reversed. I am in IC, and support groups, all of that. I’m also a CSA survivor and dealing with what happened to my son has opened up a lot of wounds (thankfully it didn’t get that far with him, what happened was bad enough).

Thank you to everyone here who offers sincere advice and support. I am probably going to take a break for a while as I feel I’m lashing out and not really offering help at this point.

18 comments posted: Saturday, March 16th, 2024

Just found out that WW’s AP physically and emotionally abused my son

I don’t even know where to begin. Where can I begin? My son just confided with me that WW’s AP physically and emotionally abused him. Basically AP was at my house while I was overseas (before I even knew anything was going on) and my son said that whenever he was alone with AP, AP would verbally abuse him and slapped my son at least once. I am beyond livid at both WW and AP. WW for being so stupid and inviting this garbage into our lives. And of course AP because of so many obvious reasons.

18 months of R, and now I feel completely defeated, nauseous, and heartbroken for all the pain my son suffered for so long because he was scared of what AP would do to WW if he confided in me. I don’t know what to do with all of this. To all of the lurkers, especially the ones who are cheating, remember a person who is willing to cheat with you is nothing but a ghost of who you think they are, and will gleefully destroy your life for their own gain.

94 comments posted: Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Asking for help, outside perspective, please help me

R is so damn hard, we all know the many reasons why. Part of it is, is our WS really all in?

I have my WW phone cloned (which she knows and agrees to, but perhaps forgot(

She has a friend (another woman and she knows situation and AP) who she sent a text to recently.

Two things bother me. First my WW deleted texts between them which I am sure means they were talking about AP. This friend knows AP very well, and is still in same social circle. It isn’t the first time either of deleting texts, so I know my WW is taking about things about AP she doesn’t want me to see. I was able to catch part of it this time though. She sent a IG quote, basically saying "don’t feel bad because a relationship failed when you tried to save it, and it was destroyed by them
". With my WW saying "I saw this today and I needed to see it" and her friend responded with basically "see it’s all in the signs"

To me, this shows me it is pretty obvious where her mind/heart is. The full context of the A probably isn’t clear, but she betrayed me twice (same AP of course), and the second time was so much worse, which I only found out about after D Day 2 and put the pieces together.

But I am asking for help from the many people here who may have better perspective. Right now, to me it’s very obvious that D is really the only option because it’s clear I am the plan B. Yeah it’s just a stupid IG meme, but so much is said in just a few small sentences.

28 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

It’s ok to forgive yourself for pick me.

I feel it’s important every now and again to remind us that we can forgive ourselves as well. No, not because we did anything that caused us to become BS/BP, that is all on the one who cheated. What I mean is for the pick me dance. I did it too, and I am still working on forgiveness for my weaknesses. What I know is that I wasn’t lying or being deceptive, I was trying to save something that I didn’t know was gone. I was honest, committed, and loyal when I had no reason to be. Trying to save a relationship by yourself can be humiliating, but it’s so common we have the name for it. It’s ok, because it was genuine. I imagine a lot of BSs feel the same.

There is nothing wrong with that. Yes, pick me dance almost always keeps affair going and all of that, but we aren’t responsible for their shit decisions. It should never have been a situation to be in. It never should have happened. There was a competition that could never have been won, and most BS don’t really know they are competing. Trying to fix something that is broken, is not weak WS may think it is, but they are cheating so I am not going to give them much credit.

R or D, it’s ok to forgive yourself for trying to save the relationship.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Mind movies when there are actual real movies

One of the worst things about affairs in the modern era is the stupidity of nudes/sex tapes on phones. I know for a fact that my WW made sex clips with her AP on his phone, and that she sent him pictures of her to him, and it’s just like, why not. I want to scream at her for being so stupid. She is trying hard to sell me that AP deleted them out of respect for her…yeah, right. That was part of the NC phone call, to delete anything from the A. I’m really angry about it, she just went along with it and didn’t even think for a second how making a few porn scenes might come back to hurt me, our kids, her. And she tells me she was never going to leave me for him, (yay me I won the prize of an unfaithful wife) but then why make sex tapes? It’s all so stupid. I just found out that when she restarted her affair (which I know the date and details) it involved a sex clip. That is new news to me. Which is why I am so pissed.

And it’s great, this asshole has vids of my wife doing whatever and I’m supposed to just be ok. I’ll sleep better because he promised to delete it. Thanks. I feel so much better. Damnit all.

And yes I’m in R, but man there are days when I want to cut all ties. My WW is trying, I still don’t know what the hell got in her head. SAHM of 5 young kids and she still found time to cheat on me.

I’m sure I’m not alone. To those who are trying to r, how the hell do you work through the very real fact that AP has sex/nudes of your spouse to do with whatever they want?

10 comments posted: Friday, August 4th, 2023

Make it make sense.

I know my account is new, but I’ve been lurking here since my first DDAY back in Jan 22. I’m asking for some help/advice/perspective on something. Quick cap on my story, I’m BH (mid 40). WW had year long A (mid 40) with a "just a friend". We’ve been in R for about 13 months.

Since after dday 2 and end of her A, she gave me full transparency. Recently I found a few SM accounts I didn’t know about.l. To give her credit I have all passwords and access without any complaints or resistance. so of course I had to check them out. For the most part, nothing is inappropriate or red flags etc. I don’t think she was hiding these accounts, more of just something she did. These are anonymous accounts with no personal information etc, and vast majority of posts are just things she likes and nothing inappropriate.

However, I did find something that has been bothering me. Right as her affair was starting, she made a comment on a thread about cheating. Basically it said how she has no respect for anyone who gets involved with a married person. It’s selfish and harmful, and it’s taking part in running someone else’s life. She even went on a rant about all of the things that someone who is married should do (MC, communication, put more effort into relationship) instead of stepping out, and if all of that fails, D, then see someone else. I am just floored. This was posted by her as her EA was definitely well on the way, and I don’t know what to make of it.

I haven’t confronted her about it yet, but it is really bothering me. Any perspective? For more context, AP absolutely knew that she was married, he was a friend. That’s part of what is bothering me. “No respect for anyone who gets involved with a married person”.

17 comments posted: Sunday, July 16th, 2023

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