I don't know what to do..

After my divorce, I packed up everything and moved to a retirement community in Florida. I just wanted to put the past behind me and start a new life.

It's been a good thing for me, but I'm really having a problem trying to figure out what kind of person I want to be.

I grew up with 5 brothers who did not like to play with dolls! We were very athletic so my childhood was spent playing basketball, baseball, shooting pool, all with my 5 brothers. They were my role models, my mentors, my protectors, my playmates, and I loved them dearly!

It's been hard getting used to being single in a community where the majority of people have been married a long time. Of course, the activities I gravitate to are traditionally male dominated sports...golf, billiards, ping pong, etc.

Women don't like this.

I would never step on another woman's heart. It goes against my moral code, but both my marriages ended because of infidelity so I do understand the feeling of jealousy. I would never want another woman to feel that way about me.

So, I really struggle with being true to myself. I enjoy men, I love their company, I understand them so much better than I do women. What should I do when a man comes to sit beside me because he wants to talk about the NBA playoffs? What do I do when a group of men ask me to play golf in their foursome? What do I do when they ask me to shoot pool with them? These are all things I love to do and I'm good at it, damnit!! But, but, but...

Women don't like this.

Sometimes, I think "Oh, to hell with it, that's their problem, not mine".

But it is my problem. I hate feeling like I have to watch every move I make, every word I say, every look I give to someone's husband.

I can deal with the single men. I just tell them I don't date and I'm not interested in a relationship. But the married ones..

Too many times to count, I've had women be friendly and then they're not. I know I'm paranoid about stepping on a woman's heart so maybe that distorts my perception. But, it's driving me crazy trying to figure out what I should do, what I should say, how I should act!

And it really pisses me off that I spend so much time thinking about other people instead of myself. I should be enjoying my freedom and doing whatever the hell I wanna do. But, that infidelity shit I dealt with continues to haunt me, albeit in a different way.

I have started isolating myself more because it seems less stressful. Maybe that's the better life for me...I just don't know.

18 comments posted: Monday, April 24th, 2023

Quiet and reserved or just dead inside...

I seem to be attracted to the quiet, reserved, stoic type of man and they irritate the hell outta me! I spent 21 years of my life with this very type and I can only recall 2 times that he showed any emotion..

He would always say "I have emotions" but how would I know? How would you know if they never show them? I'm the type of person who wears my emotions on my sleeve, I enjoy life, I sing and dance without a care in the world, people know where they stand with me and I think that is such a refreshing personality trait!

But am I wrong to be so "put off" by the reserved type? I know it's hard for me to understand them because we're so different, but I really try...

I just feel like they're dead inside and they're sure in the hell not a lotta fun to be around. I worry that I'm attracted to that type because I want the challenge of teaching them how to enjoy life and the people around them. I know sometimes I deliberately test them just to see if I can get a reaction. Sorta "shock and awe" shit..and that's not really a cool thing to do, I know that! They just sit there looking so cute...all quiet, reserved, stoic and I wanna' scream!

Can someone help me understand them?

2 comments posted: Friday, August 26th, 2022

A broken heart terrifies me..

I've been divorced for 2 years and just had my first date in 25 years. We went to a professional baseball game and I had so many different emotions during the day.

I realized how much I missed being part of a couple. Having someone put a hand in the middle of my back and direct me through a crowd...going to the bathroom and coming out and finding someone waiting for me with this big smile on his face...just touching during different times during the day, oh man, I really miss the touching and being touched.

The day was spent enjoying the feeling of being a couple but then just being really pissed off that I did enjoy it! I really want to be enough for me, I don't want to need someone else, I don't want to worry about a broken heart..

See, that's my whole problem. There are very few things I'm afraid of but oh boy, I am terrified of another broken heart. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I know I'm not healed enough...it's just hard not to think about the good feelings and forget everything else. But, see, that's what my ex did. He just embraced the "feel-good shit" and forgot about me and our 21 year marriage.

No, ain't gonna roll that way but it's hard...

19 comments posted: Sunday, June 12th, 2022

Bingo, you gotta be kiddin' me...

I am so messed up! Every time I meet someone, I come up with such insane reasons why it wouldn't work. This latest reason just really floored me.

I met a guy in my neighborhood and he seemed nice enough. We talked a few times and I could tell he was interested in me. That's normally a red flag for me. If someone shows an interest, I usually feel insulted. I guess that's my stupid lizard brain trying to protect me from getting hurt. Whatever.....but that didn't happen with this guy so I'm thinkin' hmmmmm...

Well, well, well, the newest red flag that I've come up with is..are you ready for this?....HE WEARS FLIPFLOPS!!! Yep, I just couldn't take him seriously because he wears flipflops. Well, this made me laugh out loud. I'm thinkin' Bingo, you have got to be kiddin'. We live in south Florida..everybody wears flipflops! No, no,...I just can't handle the flipflops....

Will I always be this way? It's been 2 years since my divorce and I'm perfectly content to be alone. And I do find it hilarious sometimes...the stupid excuses I can come up with!

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's this messed up! Has anyone else experienced insane excuses when someone's showing an interest?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, May 10th, 2022