Newest Member: Tortex

Bingo

A broken heart terrifies me..

I've been divorced for 2 years and just had my first date in 25 years. We went to a professional baseball game and I had so many different emotions during the day.

I realized how much I missed being part of a couple. Having someone put a hand in the middle of my back and direct me through a crowd...going to the bathroom and coming out and finding someone waiting for me with this big smile on his face...just touching during different times during the day, oh man, I really miss the touching and being touched.

The day was spent enjoying the feeling of being a couple but then just being really pissed off that I did enjoy it! I really want to be enough for me, I don't want to need someone else, I don't want to worry about a broken heart..

See, that's my whole problem. There are very few things I'm afraid of but oh boy, I am terrified of another broken heart. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I know I'm not healed enough...it's just hard not to think about the good feelings and forget everything else. But, see, that's what my ex did. He just embraced the "feel-good shit" and forgot about me and our 21 year marriage.

No, ain't gonna roll that way but it's hard...

15 comments posted: Sunday, June 12th, 2022

Bingo, you gotta be kiddin' me...

I am so messed up! Every time I meet someone, I come up with such insane reasons why it wouldn't work. This latest reason just really floored me.

I met a guy in my neighborhood and he seemed nice enough. We talked a few times and I could tell he was interested in me. That's normally a red flag for me. If someone shows an interest, I usually feel insulted. I guess that's my stupid lizard brain trying to protect me from getting hurt. Whatever.....but that didn't happen with this guy so I'm thinkin' hmmmmm...

Well, well, well, the newest red flag that I've come up with is..are you ready for this?....HE WEARS FLIPFLOPS!!! Yep, I just couldn't take him seriously because he wears flipflops. Well, this made me laugh out loud. I'm thinkin' Bingo, you have got to be kiddin'. We live in south Florida..everybody wears flipflops! No, no,...I just can't handle the flipflops....

Will I always be this way? It's been 2 years since my divorce and I'm perfectly content to be alone. And I do find it hilarious sometimes...the stupid excuses I can come up with!

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's this messed up! Has anyone else experienced insane excuses when someone's showing an interest?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

I don't really know why I did it...

My ex and I have been divorced for 2 years. After the divorce, we sold our marital home and we both moved back to our respective hometowns. My ex bought a fixer-upper and put a lot of time and money into remodeling. He lived in it for 6 months then moved back to the town where we had lived while married. This also was where the AP lived. He bought another fixer-upper and moved in the AP and her four children, all under the age of 11. BTW, there is a 41 year age difference between my ex (74) and the AP (33).

Meanwhile, I moved to Florida and bought a home in a retirement community a year ago. I had lived in Indiana my whole life and I just felt like I needed a change, a different path. It's been a year of adjustment but I've been quite pleased with my life, all things considered.

So anyway, last October I was going back to Indiana for my granddaughter's wedding. The OBS and I had been in touch during the past 2 years and I knew the address of my ex and the AP's new home. I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't know if I had the guts to do it.

I kept fantasizing about their new life together, their new home, wondering how my 74 year old ex was handling living with 4 children when he doesn't even like kids, that kinda stuff that kept going through my head. I knew I wanted to stop by for a surprise visit. I wanted to see the two of them together, which I had never seen. I wanted to see the home they had created. I wanted to talk to both of them and have them face me and look me in the eye! I just wanted to put a stop to the fantasy in my head and see the reality of it all! If I did this, I felt like I could let it go...

So, that's what I did! I told my family what I was going to do and so many of them wanted to go with me. They were worried about how I would react, which, with my past record, was a concern for all of us. You see, my first marriage ended because of my ex being "tempted by the fruit of another" also. The AP was a co-worker and I did show up at her office one day and proceeded to "beat the shit outta her". Not my proudest moment but I do now understand the "crime of passion" mentality.

"No", I said. "I need to do this by myself". I was very nervous driving to their house because I didn't know what was going to happen or what I or they were going to do. I'm not a religious person but I did finally just think "God, just show me the way".

I pulled into their driveway and both cars were there. As I got out of my car, my ex came out the back door. He looked up and saw me and showed no reaction whatsoever! We haven't seen each other in almost 2 years after being in a 21 year marriage and you would have thought I was the mailman. Typical non-emotional reaction from my ex. I'm thinkin' "well, the man's still a robot". I told him I was having lunch with friends and decided to stop by and see his new home. He was calm, cool and collected and said "sure".

When I walked in, the first thing I noticed was the bad energy. I am extremely tuned into energy and there was a lot of negative energy in that home. It was filled with all the stuff from our previous home, right down to wall hangings and knickknacks. Surprisingly, that didn't bother me because it looked so sad in that home. Ok, check! That made me feel better...

We sat and talked for about 2 hours about this and that. I told him I didn't stop by to yell or scream or make him feel bad...I just needed to see his reality. He spoke in a dead monotone the whole time, showed no emotion whatsoever, he and the house he lived in just seemed dead.

We were sitting on the front porch and suddenly he stood up and thanked me for stopping by. I asked if the AP was coming home soon. He said yes and he thought it would be awkward if I was there. No shit, Sherlock..

I asked for him to make me a priority just this one time, please. He said ok and sat back down. The little lady was walking home from her part-time job at the library and was soon on the porch with us. My ex stood up and she leaned in for a kiss...he leaned away from her in a very subtle way. Ok. check! Maybe that was showing me some respect...I dunno. That made me feel better...

They both sat down and I continued to talk to my ex about this and that...never looked in her direction. I finally said I had taken enough of their time but I just wanted to spend a few moments just looking at them together. And I wanted them to look at me. We all spent a moment doing just that. I stood up and looked at the AP and said "I want you to know that I told him I still loved him." She said, with a smirk on her face, "Of course". Now, a year ago I would have gone after her ass because of that smirk. Ahhh...but the pain has subsided and I'm older now, ya' know.

I just looked at her and said "But I want you to know that I hate your fuckin' guts!" My ex laughed, her mouth dropped open and I turned around and walked off the porch. My ex followed me to my car, I hugged him and said "I love you" and he said "I love you, too". I told him to enjoy his life and I got in my car and drove away!

Now, I know many of you may not understand why I did this and I really don't understand, either. I just thought if I could do this, if I had the courage to this....then I could handle anything that life threw at me from now on. In my mind, it was facing my worse nightmare head on in the middle of the day.

I've seen so many different reactions when I tell this story to select family and friends. But none of these people have been a victim of infidelity which is why I wanted to share it with this forum. I would like your thoughts, your reactions, your critical thinking, whatever. Even 6 months later, I'm still trying to figure out why I did what I did....

BTW, I also saw my first ex and his wife (who was the AP) at my granddaughter's wedding. I also hugged him and told him that I loved him. He said "I love you, too." Wow....it was like I can now softly close the door on all that shit from the past.

Thanks to everyone who read this long-winded story. Whew...

18 comments posted: Monday, May 2nd, 2022

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