Newest Member: itspointless

betrayedafter20

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2 Married 20 yrs, together 25 14 yo boy Autism spectrum 16 yo typical functioning DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP Separated 5/

Eddie Van Halen

Was going to post this on "Off Topic" but it's really not, for me anyway.

Friends - I am a COMPLETE wreck today. EVH's death has me reeling. I was such a huge fan and just saw VH a few years ago again - with STBXH and a couple of dear friends and it was one of the last (best) "dates" that WH and I had. VH is such a large part of who I was/am and with everything else awful that has happened this year - it is surreal to me. Truly, combined with the ending of my 20 year marriage - the end of (my) era.

Also - the cancer - since I am a survivor - and he was only 65.

I'm at work and can't get a thing done. Completely useless. Listening all day. On FB and Insta ALL DAY making posts and reading posts about him, his music, our lives in HS - this is just nuts. Posted a song on FB - passively agressively for STBXH to see from Fair Warning album "Push Comes to Shove" (the one that got away).

I think on some level I am mourning so much more than EVH. WH is an excellent guitarist. While he didn't idolize VH like I do, he was definitely a fan and even made a playlist for me once.

Also on some strange undercurrent level I feel something like a new beginning emerging - like I've been in touch with my youth again - hard to explain - but like I want to go back and erase and re-do...

So sad. Just hitting me in so many ways..

I was always drawn to rock musicians, (red flag, aka bad boys)...

Anyway, just add this to the list of the WORST YEAR EVER 2020.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, October 7th, 2020

Friends, having a bad day, a little help

This morning what destroyed me was I watched the video of my nephews recent wedding. It was horrible to hear all the promises that WH had said to me repeated by someone else, knowing now how my own H couldn't follow through, trying to be happy for them, but knowing that they have no idea of the struggles ahead of them that will test their hopeful promises..

And suddenly I'm sad that WH hasn't communicated any feelings to me since the separation. It's upsetting that we told each other everything for 25 years - well of course except what he wasn't telling me :( - and now he can barely look me in the eye - I wish I knew what was in his head. I wish he would be vulnerable and just admit he's sad, feeling lost. That's what I sense in the awkwardness - but he's holding up a wall.

I don't know why I feel like I need that. I guess validation - or some form of human compassion - like on Mother's day when he rushed over with flowers, sobbing. But the tears that day were because of his failure to his daughter, not necessarily me because he had told her that day about his A. Even so - it was strangely comforting. I didn't even really hug him back, but it felt good that he was upset. It told me that somehow he was human. I guess I would like a few more times of that. And I want to tell him - and I think he would understand - but I know I need to stop needing this.

I am trying to quit drinking as much as I have been, it's been a struggle lately. I also started my keto diet again yesterday to help with both losing weight and stick to reducing drinking. I think it's causing me a lot of self examination and realizing I have not been taking good care of myself and I am putting myself at risk for cancer recurrence with the way I have been eating and drinking lately. so I guess I'm just sad today and pushing through. I have to cry a little because I think I may be keeping so busy that I'm not processing the loss.

21 comments posted: Monday, September 21st, 2020

Putting makeup on when seeing Stbx

Anyone else doing this? I have no desire to R (that I am aware of consciously) - I plan on D and we have been separated since May. Yet every time I go to drop off the kids or I know WH is on his way over or.. I find myself suddenly concerned about my appearance - throwing makeup on in a hurry, changing clothes, ??

My body image has been not so good since the mastectomy and I have put on weight - probably about 25 over what i used to be and it's mainly in the middle :(

I have not let myself go. I polish up nicely, and dress in a manner well put together. THat said, since Covid, separation and working from home more - I have less motivation for those things and most days I have a ponytail and minimal makeup unless I'm going out or meeting with someone.

My STBX was very visual.

At some point he had told me (between the A's) that he didn't feel physically attracted to me anymore (after 15 years of real physical connection). He said it wasn't the breasts, it was an emotional thing. Yet he would sometimes bring up things he didn't like (he hated the way I looked when I took my contacts off and wore glasses, and verbalized this. (What a jerk)

I guess partly it's because I want him to feel like he's really missing out on something. I want him to feel attracted to me again - not so I can get him back - but so I can say, NOPE.. sorry, you missed your window.

I want him to feel like I'm doing better without him. I am, but since looks are so important to him, that is the way he would "see" it.

Also I'm pondering - even when we were still together - If I worked at home all day and didn't put makeup on - I would race to put makeup on when he was coming home - afraid he would say I had been letting myself go...

Anyone else?

13 comments posted: Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

my young boys I'm so sad/angry for them

Well it happened, (this is a novel rant and it's long, feel free to skip). I thought it might at some point with one of them - last week my 14 y-o spectrum boy out of the blue - said he didn't want to go to dad's. He was visibly anxious and upset. My wheels turned that something must have happened at the last visit because he had been looking forward to going every time since he got to use the new PC for his gaming and dad makes either pizza or burgers.

After talking he told me he was afraid he was going to do something wrong and that STBX would yell at him, last time he was trying to blow up his air mattress and he was doing it "wrong" and WH yelled he wasn't doing it right, was impatient and made him feel stupid and nervous.

My WH has been verbally abusive to all of us on different occasions, increasingly mostly to me since the affairs began and especially the last year while the LTA was in the picture. While he's not a name caller to my boys, he's impatient, snaps easily, raises his voice sharply and swears when angry. It's particularly upsetting for my youngest. WH is impulsive and then afterward either minimizes it, justifies it, or regrets and is remorseful, having to apologize to whomever, promising he won't do it again (ironically, my ASD/ADD son has the same symptom - WH has never been diagnosed).

He's broken that promise too many times with the youngest. The oldest keeps a stiff upper lip which I think is worse because he may repeat the behavior (or never deal with feelings).

I told DS that this was our new schedule and we had to go, so let's figure out how we need to make sure he feels safe. Said his dad would not want him to feel that way, gave him some words to use and coached him that it was an opportunity to stand his ground and let his dad know that if he was feeling scared of him that was not okay. He wanted me to call STBX first, wouldn't consider going until I did.

I have spent the last few years being this moderator.

I called WH and he insisted he hadn't done anything bad, that he remembered the incident and as usual "He's overly sensitive, I have a loud voice, he thinks I'm yelling, I'm not" same BS gaslighting shit as always I've seen how he belittles the kids.

I told him that this was the last time I was going to play liaison, that he needed to figure out this problem with his counselor, that he was going to lose the relationship with the son if he can't get it under control. I told him at some point I will not bring him if he continues to feel unsafe - that it doesn't matter what he thinks, it's how DS feels. He went on about how fun he's been trying to make it for them (true) and didn't want to jeopardize anything. I said to prove it, to stop gaslighting our kids like he did me and validate their feelings or he will lose them - and bring that to his counselor for reinforcement of the advice.

I talked some more to DS after his last visit, I suggested maybe he was noticing this behavior more significantly because it's been so peaceful at home, he agreed.

We came up with a safe word that WH agreed to for DS to say if WH was getting hot headed to get him to change his actions. DS went this weekend (he was tearful on the way) but was fine, had a good time - of course b/c dad was on his best behavior. I give it a few months before something happens again. Older son says dad's fine, but again he's the one that shrugs it off.. I hope STBX gets the help from that IC for the sake of my kids.

Today I overheard in DS's e-learning class they were asking what quality one should have that will contribute to success in their lives. He said "cooperative". When asked why, he said "because when you go camping it will prevent people from being annoyed". Well the teacher thought this was amusing, but little did she know why this wasn't funny at all.

He was flashing back to a night two years ago when we were camping the weekend before school started. We were having a great time and then My WH flipped out on me (he'd had a few beers) because I knocked over the rack over the firepit that had all our sausages on it and they rolled all over the ground. I mean, FLIPPED OUT. Yelling, swearing how stupid I was, while I was shushing him and trying to get him to laugh it off which made him even madder he raged on for fifteen minutes, swearing, yelling at me and the kids to clean up - like he was never going to be able to see food again - It was f-ing ridiculous.

Youngest ran to the car, locked himself in and was terrified and crying, Older son (was 14 at the time) yelling to my WH 'CHILL OUT!" so now I'm mad and arguing he was ruining our vacation, to calm the heck down - to which he continued to yell, shoved me away, threatened me "do you really want to go there" and blaming me for upsetting my son!!! I was worried that everyone in the surrounding camps thought he would go after me or think he was a lunatic..it was a nightmare. I stayed in the tent with the boys and don't think any of us slept more than an hour. The next day he was so ashamed he wouldn't even look at me or the kids - Of course I played the saint wife and said how we were going to hit the reset button and start our day as though we had just arrived and there would be nothing other than kind words and fun.

Friends - it should have been over right then and there. In my desperate attempt to cling on to the marriage and hold the family together and be a Christian and forgive, forgive, forgive, 70 x 7, I showed my boys how a weak woman tolerates abuse at the expense of her frightened kids. And it made such an impression that two years later, DS is talking about it in school.

It wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last that things had escalated - but that was one of the worst and we were supposed to be on vacation - and they couldn't hide in their rooms.

I've been upset about this all day - doesn't have so much to do with the infidelity itself as it does his temper and the dynamic at home as a result of the cheating but I didn't know about it so I kept thinking it had to change and what the heck was going on.

Narc tendencies - resentment he was showing at home because he always wanted to be somewhere else. What an A-hole for putting our family through that for so long. and what a jerk I was to see it/do something sooner before DDay2. SIGH

(For the record DS has an IC but he hasn't opened up much about his dad. - hoping he will now.) Working on getting older son one, he's reluctant.

Thanks for reading, anyone who's still here..

I wish things would have been different for them.

keep telling myself, they will be okay.

[This message edited by betrayedafter20 at 12:38 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

12 comments posted: Thursday, September 10th, 2020

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