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Newest Member: forestfirepine

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...

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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 10:38 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I needed those words today.

Thank you. I am 6 months in and may sleep a little easier tonight- which is saying a lot! Believe me. Thank you. X

posts: 179   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8740985
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

If you consider R, consider the fact that the ap affaired down with your WS.

I found that pretty daunting. I saw things in my W that ow did not see. I had admired many of my W's characteristics. I lusted for her. I thought R was the right choice for me, but I needed someone who really knew us to argue against it, and that someone had to be me.

I'm for R when both partners will do the work and when the BS - WS, too - make themselves as aware as they can that R is hard work, with a LOT of unpleasantness and downright pain to work though, not least of which is: the ap, as awful as they are, affaired down with the person the Bs wants to R with.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:55 PM, Monday, June 20th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8741046
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:41 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8748384
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swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 11:08 PM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2022

I'm glad to read some of the thoughtful dissents to this post. To be frank, it has never sat well with me.

When you've been blindsided by cheating, even the sturdiest self-esteem takes a hit. If you are prone to comparing yourself negatively to the AP, then I can see how these words might help, and I am glad for those they do.

But ultimately, our worth is held deep down in an unshakable place. It can't be impacted by our spouse running off with the most alluring person in the world. Someone else being a wonderfully complex human with good traits and bad traits doesn't take away from the fabulous things about me. It's not a zero sum game.

I just don't think there's any logical trick to make us feel better about being cheated on. If it turns out the AP was a total loser, well what does that say about our spouse? Do we *want* our spouse to be "scanning the herd for the easiest kill" like some diabolical predator? That doesn't make it sting any less . . . in fact, it might creep me out more than a slippery slope affair.

If this post is the equivalent of listening to a Lizzo song and getting your groove back, great. We all need succor in the days following DDay. But please know that you are your fabulous, wonderful self no matter what. Another person's poor choices can never change that.

The one thing that does ring true is that a person who is choosing to have an affair (either as a single AP or MP) is currently making terrible, selfish, harmful decisions and basically being the worst version of themselves. So anyone who sees an affair on offer and doesn't run away screaming isn't really convincing me of their sound judgment and character. And this is why reconciliation is a long, involved process. The WS needs to commit to being the best version of themselves, but they have a mountain to climb to get there. For a single AP, there must be some reason why a secret relationship with a married person seemed like the best relationship they could get, and those reasons are the kind to elicit pity, not envy.

posts: 1822   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8749797
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ShockedAndShattered ( member #79685) posted at 11:15 PM on Friday, August 12th, 2022

I come here and read this post almost every day. Thank you.

BS(me):42 WH:43
DDay 1- 9/11/21 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/21 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/21 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs TT
DDay 4- 4/11/22 Conf PA w/1 EA
DDay 5- 8/2/22 Failed Poly
DDay 6- 8/7/22 Whatever...

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8750285
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756535
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 6:00 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

My WH seems to actively seek out women I would consider "less-than." I think his self-esteem is so low, he desperately wants to be the "pretty one" in his relationships! laugh Because he sure as shit isn't the smart, driven, honorable, dependable one in ours!

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 245   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8756550
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smitty82 ( new member #80920) posted at 9:28 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I wish I has seen this months ago! I have spent 6 months obsessing about how it could happen.

My WH spent weekdays away with work and came back at weekends and was totally normal and I had no idea what was going on.

I have spent months thinking about how the OW had the upper hand and that she was what he had chosen rather than me for the 5 months of the affair. If I had read this sooner I may have saved myself a little of the erosion of my own self-esteem.

This has changed my perception of things to a degree. He hated being away and hated the job that he was doing and who he was working with. She was the local ego-boost required and she was happy to live the illusion of being 'special' when in actual fact she was "the trash".

It came to the point where he couldn't do it any longer. He never went back there and has not been in contact with her since Dday (10th March). He came home and told me what had been happening and over time (still now) he answers all of my questions.

Until now I felt like the second prize but maybe I can feel like "it's me he's fighting for; me he's sorry for; me he's trying to be a better man for".

For anyone new to this (like me) I would read and read and read this. Edie is incredible.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8756633
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Aftermath ( new member #79695) posted at 1:25 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

Thank you for reposting this! It definitely helped me a year and a half after DD! I’ve had moments and questioned myself! But tried to remain confident! You have no idea how this has helped me!

The OW was younger and thinner! That’s it! I knew she didn’t know her worth (or it wasn’t much), her behavior was trash, & that his mess had nothing to do with me! But this post REALLY confirmed and made me believe it!

Now I’m still left with the question of who am I really married to! And if it’s really worth me staying! 20 years of marriage & now I wonder!

Thank you!

posts: 1   ·   registered: Dec. 20th, 2021   ·   location: United States
id 8757067
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:16 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2022

Bump

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2009   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8759775
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RockHound ( new member #81008) posted at 2:29 AM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

Excellent read. I wish this was written from a man's point of view, too.

RockHound - Looking for my sanity.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Texas
id 8760065
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:59 AM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

RockHound...maybe YOU could be the one to write something like that smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6332   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8760070
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BHwhocarestoomuch ( new member #81156) posted at 1:47 PM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

Excellent read. I wish this was written from a man's point of view, too.

I just read thru this and while it helps to understand what the husband was after, I too wish there was something as well written about a WW.

I'm not in a position to write it though as I'm still in the thick of it and can't seem to fully understand what WW was thinking/feeling.

DDay Feb 2022
BH late 30's. WW late 30's
Still figuring out next steps

posts: 34   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2022
id 8760099
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 5:20 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

This is definitely a part of what my wife went after. She told me as much, that she feels like she isn’t as intelligent as me, didn’t have the success stories outside of kids that I got at work, or other people in our social circle talked about. She so desperately craved that external validation. I could have done more to give it to her, but I don’t think I could have done enough. So she went "slumming". And in that world, she was the shining star. She was smarter, prettier, more respectable. At least in the fantasy world they made, because of course both of them were actively desecrating themselves and doing the most foolish things they could possibly spend their time on. Part of what I’m looking for from her is to be self confident enough to just be ok being herself with me. I don’t give one iota about who is smarter or more successful. She is my better in many ways. She needs to be comfortable living in a good, but imperfect, reality, with me.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8760392
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:04 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27886   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8764301
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