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Newest Member: InkHulk

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...

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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 10:01 AM on Tuesday, April 14th, 2015

....reposting, since original thread now full, Death by Betrayals's post that has helped so many since she posted it in 2009:

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with another SIer and a couple of the things we talked about are recurring topics – especially for the newly betrayed wife. After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down.

Power and peace to all of the newly betrayed wives today.

DBB

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7186400
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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 11:32 AM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

Bump for Hawke

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7190266
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hope4best74 ( member #46548) posted at 5:55 PM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

thanks for reposting this, will definately re-read over again on the down days.

BW(me)- 40
WH- 44
Dday 12/14/14 (three days before my bday)
May-Dec- PA
2 children

posts: 98   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 7190832
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4everfaithful83 ( member #41761) posted at 7:24 PM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

This is by far one of the greatest posts on SI, IMHO. I have it saved on my computer and I reference it frequently when I am feeling low, or for no reason at all.

Great read for all SI members. I wish they would put it in the healing library.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 36
1 doggie
DDay: June 24th, 2013
DDay 2 : August 22nd,2017

Left him August 26th, 2017

posts: 818   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 7190956
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BlueIris ( member #47551) posted at 8:09 PM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

I wish I'd read this in those earliest days, but it's still helpful even now.

Thank you for reposting it!

BW | Dday 2-20-2015 + TT for several weeks

"The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."

posts: 1711   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2015   ·   location: State of Disbelief
id 7191035
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superchump ( member #47258) posted at 8:38 PM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

Edie, this is fantastic.. and so so true.

Except in my case my STBX is leaving the home to pursue MOW... she has a weird hold on him for sure. She is without a doubt beneath me.. not so much in looks (although I don't think she is better looking) but in dignity. She sure isn't smarter, more interesting, more engaging. If anything, she's simple. Easy. She's a trashy woman, a married woman, messing with a man who has a family. She's a home wrecker, she is every bit as broken as he is.

More than likely, the fog will lift on pixie fairy dust land, but by the time it does, I'll be moved on. Because I am worth more, I am an "A" person, I am a winner.. he's the loser. Winners don't wait around for losers to make decisions about their lives.

So for those women and men whose WS are remorseful and want to do the hard work, you guys are amazing, and I wish you all the grace and luck in the world. In my case, I never got that chance, because he decided I (and by extension our family) wasn't worth the effort.. that white trash whore is worth throwing our 20 year relationship, family and security away... at least for now. Will he be sorry, absolutely. Is it my job to wait for that day? No.

He wanted to separate from me and "see if he could get the flame" back for me. Pfft. I'm not plan B. I filed for D.

Correct on the injured, weak of the pack. Any woman (or man) who would interfere with a marriage is a f'ed up individual. Those things almost ALWAYS fail long term. But you can't tell them if they are in the fog. They are "special". It will be "different" with schmoopie.

Me: BS 40's
Him: WS 40's
2 sons
Dday: January 2015- ILYBNILWY speech
EA discovered February 2015
Divorce filed April 2015
Wants another chance.. proceeding cautiously

posts: 1088   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7191079
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hurtbuthealing86 ( new member #47561) posted at 9:01 PM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

This is true of WW's as well I think. My WW cheated down. His marriage was in worse shape than ours, he had lower personal values and character than she had held through her life (until cheating), and his interests were all things that I know she always hated. The crazy thing is she couldn't even see this--I'm not sure she sees it yet.

Me: WH/EA 1999;
BH/PA 2013-2015;
47, married 25 years
D-Day 1: 3/7/14
D-Day 2: 11/15/14
R-Day 1/18/2015

posts: 32   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2015
id 7191134
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Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 9:20 PM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

Thanks for Bumping for me. He definitely affaired down. She isn't more attractive, but wrapped it in an exotic cloth called polyamory (which, by the way, is supposed to be all about openness, communication and honesty, so why the secret affair). She has no integrity, but talks a good talk. You would not believe the email she sent me after he ended it with her - hateful, vitriolic, casting herself as the victim, accusing me of not communicating (seriously). It's like she lives in a different reality. I'm so glad for this community because I really have no one else to talk to until my first individual counselling session on Monday and it helps me stay sane to talk to people who aren't in la-la land.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 7191162
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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 9:07 AM on Monday, April 20th, 2015

Bump for psychmom

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7193359
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CanoeVA ( member #46071) posted at 8:37 PM on Thursday, April 23rd, 2015

fist bump

Me = BH
fWW- 2014 affair most of year; EA Feb/March became PA April until DDay
Married 1986
DDay- 12/08/14
2 adult children, mid 20s
OM = Wife's best friend's brother
We're both working on R

posts: 2571   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 7198158
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Tootsieone ( member #44734) posted at 9:44 AM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

This post is amazing and has helped me look at my self not as a victim but as a survivor.

ME BS - 42
H - 47
OW - 56
A Started end of April 2014
DD 1 11TH JUNE 2014 (Deep in the fog) - False R
DD 2 3RD AUGUST 2014 SAME OW
OW Cousins Mum and ex-friend
R - Both of us working hard

posts: 200   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Northern Ireland
id 7198750
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brokengirl37 ( member #42530) posted at 10:12 AM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

Thank you!! There are no words..... I love your heart....Listen to her!!!!!

Me: 40
WH : 42
2 Boys Age 12, 16
D-Day Feb 16 2014
OW: My Co-worker

posts: 92   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7198758
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crazynot ( member #24572) posted at 10:32 AM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

My husband left me for someone who was younger, prettier, thinner and very talented. He is still with her today. I had NO self-esteem after this happened and was never able to comfort myself with the thought that 'he chose me' or 'he threw her to the kerb'. He fell in love with someone - yes he did, it wasn't 'rainbow land', this is what happened - and left his family for her after 27 years of being with me. He's not sorry either. Despite all of this we are now great friends and co-parents, and I have a happy life that is not defined by what happened. Just saying this because I used to get sad and feel extra bad because I was one of the ones who wasn't 'chosen'.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

posts: 1463   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2009   ·   location: UK
id 7198761
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1moretess ( member #47635) posted at 12:00 PM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

crazynot

My husband left me for someone who was younger, prettier, thinner and very talented. He is still with her today. I had NO self-esteem after this happened and was never able to comfort myself with the thought that 'he chose me' or 'he threw her to the kerb'. He fell in love with someone - yes he did, it wasn't 'rainbow land', this is what happened - and left his family for her after 27 years of being with me

He was with you 27 YEARS? she is younger prettier thinner?

What do you think his attraction is with her over you?

You had 27 years with him, of course she is prettier thinner and very talented with her bod, I bet when the two of you met, you were all that and even better,.. he married YOU.

But this is the fantasy of the WS is feeding and it hurts that BS are not part of that, thier desires and dreams.. I think the entire A with my WH makes him very unattractive. I couldn't even share a fantasy with him because of his actions.

I've seen this before, younger better model trade in with the OW.. when reality comes to the door, it won't be near as wonderful as the stability, loyalty and dedication that you gave him for 27 YEARS.

That to me is a long time, and no I'm not that young.

I hope you get some benefit from your marriage, in the way of monetary support. My mom use to say, pretty girls want pretty things, probably won't stretch his lifestyle upkeep very long, you are entitled to not make it easy for him.

Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care.
ME 44 BS together 18 years
Him 55 stbx (a abusive narcissist in every form.)

posts: 144   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2015   ·   location: One Level Up from Batshit Crazy
id 7198792
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crazynot ( member #24572) posted at 1:41 PM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

I'll tell you what I got... :-D.

I got half of everything we had including his pension. However, the house was mortgaged to the hilt so I needed to massively boost my career in order to make enough money to live on.

I started a business and moved miles away with my two kids, leaving him to get the house ready for sale.

I met a lovely man who is a great inspiration to me.

I eventually moved to the coast to start work on a creative project I'd been dreaming of.

I got a happy life and found that instead of being 'finished' I now had more energy, inspiration and appetite for everything in life than I'd had for decades.

He did me a huge favour. He's happy and I'm glad he is.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

posts: 1463   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2009   ·   location: UK
id 7198865
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Jako ( member #46890) posted at 1:51 PM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

What does this mean for BHs? Do WWs do the same?

I know in my case she definitely did this, at least in terms of the OM's career and earning potential.

Also, he sought her out, not the other way around. She was obviously open to it, but he was the one that pursued her and made the first move. Did he see something in her that made it okay for him to do this, or did he just happen to make a move on someone who was receptive to it?

He basically kissed her at our housewarming party. We had known him a month. She could have rejected it but didn't. I always wonder what made it seem okay for him to do this. Was it her vibe she was giving him or was it just he thought she was attractive, got drunk enough to make a move and just got lucky. Literally and figuratively.

Me: BH (37)
Her: WW (38)
2 D
D-day Nov 2014
Attempting R

posts: 175   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7198877
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JCB11 ( new member #47600) posted at 1:53 PM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

THANK YOU, thank you so much for posting this.

My WH 100% affair'd down. She may have been skinner, but she was pure trash.

Truer words could not have been spoken. I definitely needed to read this, this morning.

Me:31
WH:39
Married: 8yrs together 12. 2 boys(6&10)
DD: April 16 '15

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2015
id 7198880
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psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 1:55 PM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

Standing up and Cheering!

Thank you, thank you, thank you

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 7198887
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CanoeVA ( member #46071) posted at 2:12 PM on Friday, April 24th, 2015

Jako said:

I know in my case she definitely did this, at least in terms of the OM's career and earning potential.

Also, he sought her out, not the other way around. She was obviously open to it, but he was the one that pursued her and made the first move. Did he see something in her that made it okay for him to do this, or did he just happen to make a move on someone who was receptive to it?

He basically kissed her at our housewarming party. We had known him a month. She could have rejected it but didn't. I always wonder what made it seem okay for him to do this. Was it her vibe she was giving him or was it just he thought she was attractive, got drunk enough to make a move and just got lucky. Literally and figuratively.

Gosh, Jako. Your post caught my eye for a few reasons. First, the OP topic (more, in a second). The sig of yours...our DDays are remarkably close. My gut did a flip flop on 11/28; the true confrontation & proof DDay was 12/8 for me.

Yeah. OM kissed my wife for the first time on 4/19/14 (my brother's BD, by the way, so I'll always remember that one!) in the backyard of her BFF (OM's sister). Like you, I think he pursued her, but know deep down she pursued him, too. She let it happen. They were in bed w/in about a month of that first kiss. Your story just made me think of mine.

My story- I had had a drinking problem (brought on in part by marital issues) and worked real hard to sober up. I was over 2 years sober when their affair started. Back in 2007, I had a stretch of unemployment for about 2 yrs that really stressed the marriage. That is also when my drinking go worse. But hey, I got into a program and sobered up. Job was going good.

So. Who did my fWW affair with? An unemployed alcoholic! I shirt you not. Weird, huh? Essentially, she paired up with what I used to be, when our marriage was at its worst. (Well, at its worst until the affair).

Dude is an uninteresting bore. And I think something of a moron. (yeah, he has a sailboat, but even with the "creative" name he chose for the craft, he misspelled it! LMAO) But he listened to my wife, and he must have listened well, because she loved the attention, in her fog. He showered her with constant flattery.

Now, almost 5 mos out from DDay, she's well out of her fog, and very remorseful... She looks back on 2014 with a sense of disbelief in herself. Like she was hypnotized, and just woke up.

We're doing as well now as I could possibly expect.

But heck yeah. She affaired down.

Good luck with your R, Jako. I'll be keeping an eye out for your posts.

Me = BH
fWW- 2014 affair most of year; EA Feb/March became PA April until DDay
Married 1986
DDay- 12/08/14
2 adult children, mid 20s
OM = Wife's best friend's brother
We're both working on R

posts: 2571   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 7198915
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Eyesfull ( new member #47623) posted at 6:07 AM on Saturday, April 25th, 2015

Thank you so much. Mine is an EA, but there were several other people in the "secret" group privvy to a lot (not all) of the interactions. Including photos and photos where the photoshopped each other in nd said they were on dates. I've felt so horrified, and although I have always been pretty self confident, this trashy woman and my WH are killing me. And part of it is, how could these other people be ok with this, did they hate me? Love her?

I've decided that a lot of it has to do with my WS being a "victim". He's done this alot in his life, only child, always babied, etc. There's been a pattern with his parents where I get blamed for a lot of weird things in our married life together. It's finally becoming clear that if someone is to be a "victim", someone else needs to be the "villan", and that is what my WH is doing to me. All these people, including OW, are pitying this poor person my WS has put forward. Ugh.

My mantra right now: until I can speak with grace I am staying quiet

posts: 12   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2015
id 7200012
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