DDay Feb 2022
BH late 30's. WW late 30's
Still figuring out next steps

Deciding on path to R or to Separation

There was a lot of great advice given about my situation in my first post. The quick recap is WW had an EA, shows no remorse, is not working on bettering herself although she has acknowledged being broken. You all have helped me realize I'm in a wishy washy position and need to start working towards R or towards Separation. I want to have a conversation with WW so we can pick an end goal to start working towards.

I need help identifying topics to discuss with WW before deciding direction. This is what I've thought of but would love your input on what else should be considered/talked about.

Reconciliation:
-Commitment to each spouse doing IC
- wants/needs in marriage and priorities of them
-details about her contact with AP
-Acknowledgement from WW on the hurt to me/family by her affair
-moving away from discussing marriage issues with our trusted friends and back to within marriage and IC.

Separation
- living arrangements with her moving out
- overall finances of budget for second residence, utilities, location, etc
- custody schedule of being with children
- how holidays/vacations will look
- no spending money on home upgrades as we'd need the cash
-how/what to tell family and mutual friends
-boundaries on relationships outside of spouse

If we decide not to move towards R, then by default it will move towards separation and this will likely be a series of conversions before actually starting.

What else am I missing?

21 comments posted: Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Working through betrayal of wife's EA

Current situation, wife and I married 10+ years, kids, house, busy lives, etc. About 8 months ago my wife returned home from numerous months overseas and said she was no longer in love with me, we were just roommates, and she had lost trust in me. She came clean about an emotional affair she had while she was gone. In the whirlwind that followed she blamed me for the downfall of the marriage and said she doesn't know if she wants to stay married though she doesn't want the affair partner nor anyone else to pursue her. She felt like she changed her personality for me and was no longer true to herself. I know the EA was her choice, but I acknowledge my part in the marriage situation prior to it happening. This has set off a personal development fire for me that's been insightful and amazing.

In the time that's followed I realized I had not been as emotionally available to her as what she needed and had done things consciously and unconsciously to try to make her change and she willingly changed to please me. I've accepted responsibility, and asked for forgiveness for these things, but she is the type of person who has a hard time letting things go and rebuilding trust. She's said she feels like the change is coming too late and she has no more energy left to try in the marriage.

I have an individual therapist I talk to biweekly and a psychologist once a month. No personality disorders or mental health issues, just working on me like so many of you here. The psychologist mentioned limerence to me and after exploring it, WS fits the bill exactly to a T.

I've lost 40lbs, healthier, reading books and listening to podcasts, taken back up a couple hobbies I had before kids, and have implemented better methods of communicating. Personally I'm in the best physical and emotional state I've ever been in. It's hard for her to see it sometimes because she has wanted me to be emotionally healthier for years and, to her credit, did at times try to get me to open up more to her.

Currently there's been no physical or real emotional intimacy although we are on very amicable terms, talk daily about surface level things, kind and pleasant like friends. She goes out of her way to not touch me at all. She acknowledges she's "broken" and needs to heal.

I anticipate an extended period of time still for her to work through things. Our MC suggested this is a couple years thing based on her history, that our situation is repairable and common, but MC has kind of run it's course since she's not committed to rebuilding the marriage at this point. She does not currently have an IC but talks to a couple of her closest friends about what she's going through. She doesn't share any other ways she's taking her hard look inside and healing. She has an incredibly demanding job with long hours, is a great mother, and overall a wonderful person. I love her more than anything and have told her I'm not going to leave her as she's working through her issues even if it means my needs won't be met for awhile.

There is no R currently as she says she needs to really find out who she is and what she wants, as she felt she had given up so much of that over the years she's struggling to understand herself.

We're at 8 months and the last heavy emotional discussion about the affair was 5 months ago and at that time she was still in contact with the AP and blaming me for the problems in our marriage. They only had contact a couple times 3-5 months ago, and no contact for past 3 months.

I've read a lot of your stories here over the past few months, but one of the first things I'm looking to solicit wisdom on is how long it took for the BS to fully understand the hurt they caused and to be remorseful? And for those BS's how did you handle the in-between time until they fully came to terms with what they did?

56 comments posted: Thursday, October 20th, 2022