Obligatory Devastated Intro Post
I hate that I'm here but I'm glad I found you all. Here's my story:
I am a BW with a WH. We have been married for 15 years, together 17.
Right before Christmas, WH handed me his phone to show me a pic, as he handed it to me the screen flipped and I saw a naked picture of him. He said he'd been communicating with some women online and sharing pics, "mostly bored housewives who want to feel good about themselves." He said he'd been unhappy in the relationship for several times, felt like I was more like a roommate and best friend than spouse, I was too critical of him, we didn't have enough sex, was wondering if this was all there was to life...etc.
I spent the next month doing the pick me dance. I did everything I could to be a better spouse. I initiated sex often. I started sitting next to him on the couch and initiating more physical contact, but every time I did I kept feeling him internally pulling away. I made appointments for MC. We started going on dates and I was wearing sexier clothes. I felt like he wasn't really trying and he would say it just felt awkward because we'd been less connected for so long.
(As a side note...during the time he was supposedly so unhappy we spent ALL of our time together. We would text each other at work throughout the day, call when we got off, and spent every night together in our living room watching TV, playing video games, and chatting. We said I love you multiple times a day. He told me last year, while having an affair, "how could I have an affair, I'm always with you.")
I had read it helps couples renew/keep a good sex life if they set sex dates, so 2 weeks ago we agreed to plan one for Friday. When I got home he told me he'd been having an affair for a year with a coworker. Initially, he wouldn't tell me who it was because "she has her own problems" but I figured it out easily. It was the woman I had been suspicious of when she started working with him. When I had confronted him about the crush about 2 years ago he insisted it was nothing and suggested her and I become friends so I'd know I had nothing to worry about. We did and would meet up every couple of months or so. I last had dinner with the AP (without WH) in October. She texted me pictures of her dogs in November. Oh, and she's 25 while he's 45.
I only asked a few questions, I didn't really see the point. I know they had sex in the car (gross). He didn't really seem interested in R, but still forced me to make the decision. If he had been interested I probably would have agreed to work on things, but I don't think he is. So, I told him to leave and he has been gone since. I have not seen him and only spoken to him through 1 email where asked to get more stuff and to see me and I responded I would consider that after he signed a separation agreement.
I have done a lot of the stuff y'all recommend already. I've gotten an STD test, opened a new bank account and moved 1/2 the savings into it. I've applied for a new credit card in only my name. I've changed PWs on most things and am monitoring accounts. I went to the doctor and got new meds which are helping with the panicked, terrified feeling I've had in my chest. I've got IC scheduled to start next week.
I feel so completely blindsided. If you'd asked me 2 months ago I would've said we had a great relationship that maybe needed more attention paid to it, but we were happy, comfortable, and planning for the future. I thought cheaters would show some sign they were cheating; maybe he did and I missed it. The worst part is I loved being married. I've always been a person who wanted to have a partner who I spent all my time with. Now, I'm an overweight 43 yo woman; who wants someone like that when there are 25 year olds? I don't know if my life is even worth living anymore. I'm not actively trying to hurt myself, more thoughts like, if that car crossed the line and ran into me and killed me, that wouldn't be the end of the world.
Sorry for the long post.
106 comments posted: Tuesday, February 21st, 2023
Now that I have a signed separation agreement, I am thinking about how I am going to share the news of our separation with people either not in my immediate inner circle or people more closely aligned with him. I have said since finding out about the A that I would NOT let his shame become mine. So, I've been very honest with people close to me about what has happened. I also feel like keeping his secret lets him off the hook.
So, do you talk about the affair on social media? What do you think?
7 comments posted: Saturday, February 18th, 2023