New Diagnosis - Feeling Angry and Jealous
The deets: Separated from cheating asshole in 1/2023 after he told me about long-term affair with married COW. Officially divorced in 4/2024 due to the year long separation requirement in my state. He moved in with AP not long after I kicked him out and, as far as I know, they are still living together. They might even be married at this point.
A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It is a very aggressive type, but also responds very well to treatment. This means I will likely survive, but will need very intensive chemotherapy. During this treatment I will likely become progressively less able to take care of myself for longer and longer periods of time after each treatment. This treatment should only last for about 5 months, with recovery time after, but 5 months is a VERY long time when you feel that shitty.
One place I am really struggling (other than the difficulty accepting the fact I even have cancer) is in feeling like I'm all alone in this and I shouldn't be. I vowed in sickness and in health, until death and all that, and I actually meant it! For 17 years I had someone to make me soup when I was too sick to do so and now I don't.
I have a boyfriend who has been supportive, but we don't live together and he clearly doesn't want to at this point in the relationship. To be fair, I'm not sure I would want to now if not for the diagnosis. I don't know how I'm going to handle basic tasks like getting myself water when I feel like dying from the chemo. It feels sooooooo shitty that, in the exact same circumstance, AP and XH wouldn't have these concerns; they would have each other. When I mentioned this to the BF, he said, "you can always call me or one of your friends if you need something." I just don't see myself doing that for anything smaller than an emergency. What if something else happens, like a sudden crash in blood pressure where I pass out? No one will even know.
I'm also concerned about losing any beauty I have remaining at 45 years old. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with a 45 year old woman with no hair or breasts.
I'm feeling jealous of XH and AP, but I'm also feeling jealous of other women with breast cancer. I hear them say things like, "during chemo, I didn't even have the energy to pick up my kids from school or make dinner." When I ask them what they did they say, "my husband had to do it." I don't have that option and it feels like yet another way infidelity has fucked me over.
I'm also jealous my XH has basically never had anything bad happen to him. He stomps through life uncaring when he destroys others' lives, but he's never even had a friend die, when I've lost many close family members and friends. Add in I had to deal with his infidelity, subsequent divorce, and now cancer, it's yet another way life is completely not fair.
I'm living the thing we all fear when we discover infidelity...being alone and dealing with a serious illness.
16 comments posted: Wednesday, January 8th, 2025
Return Ex-WH's Item?
I'm looking for advice on how to handle a situation. For background, my now XWH told me about a year+ long affair in January of last year and I told him to leave the house, which he clearly had been planning on. The separation agreement gave me the house (without buying him out) and required he pay alimony for 7 years. We divorced last month after the required year of separation. He has been living with AP, who was once a friend. At the time of the affair we had been together 17 years and married 15.
About 2 weeks ago I came home and noticed I rug I had not ordered was delivered to my home. Upon examination, I realized it had been ordered by my ex, but delivered to my house. This sent me into a bit of a tailspin of anxiety, not feeling safe, and feeling insecure in my current relationship. The next day, I received an email from XWH apologizing and saying he had inadvertently left his old address (my address) on the form when ordering, as it was from a place he had ordered before. He asked if he could pick up the rug. I did not respond to the email. Today, I receive another email from him saying 'he doesn't want to be a pest, but he's leaving town on Monday and would like to pick up the rug this weekend.'
I think I've finally figured out what drove me so nuts about the rug and his emails...the MF'er is asking me for a flippin' FAVOR. If I were him, I would have just considered the rug gone, sent an email apologizing and saying the item could be used or donated by the recipient, and reordered the rug from the site. Instead, he had the nerve to ask me, whose life he destroyed, for a favor. You'd ask return of an item from a friend or even a stranger who you'd never wronged, but not of your now ex-wife who you cheated on and left.
I think I'm galled by the entitlement of it all. He seemingly thinks bc I've been reasonable for my own benefit (NC, gray rock) in the few communications we've had that it means he gets to ask favors of me. I'm especially upset that he had the nerve to follow up 2 weeks later when I clearly do not want to speak to him, demonstrated through my lack of response. I suspect some of his bad behavior comes from my not responding angrily to him and some comes from the fact that he's had zero consequences for what he did. Nothing. He lives with the AP, she's younger and prettier, he didn't even lose his job after having an affair at work.
My BF thinks I should let him get the rug but not burn the bridge in case I need something from the XWH in the future. He might be right. While I can't imagine anything I'd need from him there is that possibility.
On the other hand, my instinct is to tell him he can get the rug when he gets his remaining things from the attic (I'd already agreed to this), but tell him he has absolutely no right to ask my for favors, that I have diagnosed PTSD from his betrayal, he destroyed my life, and I will return his item bc he is the monster, not me, but that he should not construe my attempt to keep my dignity by remaining cool and reasonable as evidence that I am OK, what he did was OK, or that he has any right to speak to me about anything, more or less ask a favor. Then close with an order to never contact me again.
I've also considered responding "F@%k. You." and nothing else.
What do you all think I should do?
24 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2024
Reality of D Settling In
It's been just over a year since the worst day of my life...the day my STBXH confessed to a 1+ year long affair with a MCOW 18 years his junior. We formally separated that day.
A few days after my attorney completed the divorce petition (but before he was served) I got an email from the STBXH stating he was hiring an attorney for divorce proceedings. I replied that was unnecessary since my attorney had already drafted the papers and I requested he pay 1/2 her fees. He agreed.
The thing I'm struggling with is HIM wanting to D ME. I guess I kind of thought service of papers would surprise him and he'd be unhappy about it, at least a little. It further reinforces the thing that has been hardest for me lately...the injustice of it all. All I ever wanted for my life was a happy marriage and a decent job. I never needed to be rich, famous, or beautiful, just have a normal life with a partner. He didn't care enough about our marriage to remain faithful and yet he gets to immediately move in with his AP and I suspect his desire to divorce quickly comes from his desire to marry her. Otherwise, why would he care?
I have never, not for one moment, wanted him back after I found out about the A. Sure, I wished it had never happened, but once it had I knew I didn't want him back. I didn't want to live with the anxiety of waiting for another one. With that said, it has always made me feel like garbage that he doesn't want me. The jealousy makes me feel even worse. Not jealous of her that she gets him, but jealous of the both of them that they get the live-in partnership I want.
13 comments posted: Tuesday, February 6th, 2024
Obligatory Devastated Intro Post
I hate that I'm here but I'm glad I found you all. Here's my story:
I am a BW with a WH. We have been married for 15 years, together 17.
Right before Christmas, WH handed me his phone to show me a pic, as he handed it to me the screen flipped and I saw a naked picture of him. He said he'd been communicating with some women online and sharing pics, "mostly bored housewives who want to feel good about themselves." He said he'd been unhappy in the relationship for several times, felt like I was more like a roommate and best friend than spouse, I was too critical of him, we didn't have enough sex, was wondering if this was all there was to life...etc.
I spent the next month doing the pick me dance. I did everything I could to be a better spouse. I initiated sex often. I started sitting next to him on the couch and initiating more physical contact, but every time I did I kept feeling him internally pulling away. I made appointments for MC. We started going on dates and I was wearing sexier clothes. I felt like he wasn't really trying and he would say it just felt awkward because we'd been less connected for so long.
(As a side note...during the time he was supposedly so unhappy we spent ALL of our time together. We would text each other at work throughout the day, call when we got off, and spent every night together in our living room watching TV, playing video games, and chatting. We said I love you multiple times a day. He told me last year, while having an affair, "how could I have an affair, I'm always with you.")
I had read it helps couples renew/keep a good sex life if they set sex dates, so 2 weeks ago we agreed to plan one for Friday. When I got home he told me he'd been having an affair for a year with a coworker. Initially, he wouldn't tell me who it was because "she has her own problems" but I figured it out easily. It was the woman I had been suspicious of when she started working with him. When I had confronted him about the crush about 2 years ago he insisted it was nothing and suggested her and I become friends so I'd know I had nothing to worry about. We did and would meet up every couple of months or so. I last had dinner with the AP (without WH) in October. She texted me pictures of her dogs in November. Oh, and she's 25 while he's 45.
I only asked a few questions, I didn't really see the point. I know they had sex in the car (gross). He didn't really seem interested in R, but still forced me to make the decision. If he had been interested I probably would have agreed to work on things, but I don't think he is. So, I told him to leave and he has been gone since. I have not seen him and only spoken to him through 1 email where asked to get more stuff and to see me and I responded I would consider that after he signed a separation agreement.
I have done a lot of the stuff y'all recommend already. I've gotten an STD test, opened a new bank account and moved 1/2 the savings into it. I've applied for a new credit card in only my name. I've changed PWs on most things and am monitoring accounts. I went to the doctor and got new meds which are helping with the panicked, terrified feeling I've had in my chest. I've got IC scheduled to start next week.
I feel so completely blindsided. If you'd asked me 2 months ago I would've said we had a great relationship that maybe needed more attention paid to it, but we were happy, comfortable, and planning for the future. I thought cheaters would show some sign they were cheating; maybe he did and I missed it. The worst part is I loved being married. I've always been a person who wanted to have a partner who I spent all my time with. Now, I'm an overweight 43 yo woman; who wants someone like that when there are 25 year olds? I don't know if my life is even worth living anymore. I'm not actively trying to hurt myself, more thoughts like, if that car crossed the line and ran into me and killed me, that wouldn't be the end of the world.
Sorry for the long post.
109 comments posted: Wednesday, February 22nd, 2023
