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Newest Member: lrpprl

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...

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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 10:38 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I needed those words today.

Thank you. I am 6 months in and may sleep a little easier tonight- which is saying a lot! Believe me. Thank you. X

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8740985
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

If you consider R, consider the fact that the ap affaired down with your WS.

I found that pretty daunting. I saw things in my W that ow did not see. I had admired many of my W's characteristics. I lusted for her. I thought R was the right choice for me, but I needed someone who really knew us to argue against it, and that someone had to be me.

I'm for R when both partners will do the work and when the BS - WS, too - make themselves as aware as they can that R is hard work, with a LOT of unpleasantness and downright pain to work though, not least of which is: the ap, as awful as they are, affaired down with the person the Bs wants to R with.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:55 PM, Monday, June 20th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27424   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8741046
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:41 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27424   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8748384
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swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 11:08 PM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2022

I'm glad to read some of the thoughtful dissents to this post. To be frank, it has never sat well with me.

When you've been blindsided by cheating, even the sturdiest self-esteem takes a hit. If you are prone to comparing yourself negatively to the AP, then I can see how these words might help, and I am glad for those they do.

But ultimately, our worth is held deep down in an unshakable place. It can't be impacted by our spouse running off with the most alluring person in the world. Someone else being a wonderfully complex human with good traits and bad traits doesn't take away from the fabulous things about me. It's not a zero sum game.

I just don't think there's any logical trick to make us feel better about being cheated on. If it turns out the AP was a total loser, well what does that say about our spouse? Do we *want* our spouse to be "scanning the herd for the easiest kill" like some diabolical predator? That doesn't make it sting any less . . . in fact, it might creep me out more than a slippery slope affair.

If this post is the equivalent of listening to a Lizzo song and getting your groove back, great. We all need succor in the days following DDay. But please know that you are your fabulous, wonderful self no matter what. Another person's poor choices can never change that.

The one thing that does ring true is that a person who is choosing to have an affair (either as a single AP or MP) is currently making terrible, selfish, harmful decisions and basically being the worst version of themselves. So anyone who sees an affair on offer and doesn't run away screaming isn't really convincing me of their sound judgment and character. And this is why reconciliation is a long, involved process. The WS needs to commit to being the best version of themselves, but they have a mountain to climb to get there. For a single AP, there must be some reason why a secret relationship with a married person seemed like the best relationship they could get, and those reasons are the kind to elicit pity, not envy.

posts: 1769   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8749797
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