I'm glad to read some of the thoughtful dissents to this post. To be frank, it has never sat well with me.
When you've been blindsided by cheating, even the sturdiest self-esteem takes a hit. If you are prone to comparing yourself negatively to the AP, then I can see how these words might help, and I am glad for those they do.
But ultimately, our worth is held deep down in an unshakable place. It can't be impacted by our spouse running off with the most alluring person in the world. Someone else being a wonderfully complex human with good traits and bad traits doesn't take away from the fabulous things about me. It's not a zero sum game.
I just don't think there's any logical trick to make us feel better about being cheated on. If it turns out the AP was a total loser, well what does that say about our spouse? Do we *want* our spouse to be "scanning the herd for the easiest kill" like some diabolical predator? That doesn't make it sting any less . . . in fact, it might creep me out more than a slippery slope affair.
If this post is the equivalent of listening to a Lizzo song and getting your groove back, great. We all need succor in the days following DDay. But please know that you are your fabulous, wonderful self no matter what. Another person's poor choices can never change that.
The one thing that does ring true is that a person who is choosing to have an affair (either as a single AP or MP) is currently making terrible, selfish, harmful decisions and basically being the worst version of themselves. So anyone who sees an affair on offer and doesn't run away screaming isn't really convincing me of their sound judgment and character. And this is why reconciliation is a long, involved process. The WS needs to commit to being the best version of themselves, but they have a mountain to climb to get there. For a single AP, there must be some reason why a secret relationship with a married person seemed like the best relationship they could get, and those reasons are the kind to elicit pity, not envy.