4 horsemen and recovery
So my WW and I have taken to reading Gottman. His claimed ability to predict relationship success with more than 90% accuracy based off relatively short observations is fascinating and sobering. The concept of the 4 horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and the havoc they bring to a relationship has been eye opening for both of us. I can see I have a knack for criticism while she is a defensiveness and stonewalling pro. As we attempt to rebuild, it seems that we should avoid these things. But it also seems like when I try to talk about big structural issues around the affair, she claims it is criticism, a horseman, and needs to be avoided. I guess it is, I’m certainly bringing up more than just a specific event. But it seems that the situation at hand is not relationship problems 101 and needs deep dive. I also have enough self awareness to know that I already tend to criticize and I prefer to deep dive issues. So I’m interested in this groups take. I’m not looking to be punitive and make her feel bad about herself. But the foundation is broke and I’m trying to figure out why she took a sledgehammer to it. I’m looking for thoughts in the spirit of how I can heal and how to best try to rebuild, not just "FU, sit there and take it wayward". Thanks all, I appreciate you.
144 comments posted: Monday, December 19th, 2022
Letter to ap?
Looking for advice on the wisdom or lack there of of sending a letter to ap. I’m a little more than 2 months out from d-day, things are going mostly well between my wife and me. There are still of course a ton of raging emotions, and one big source of unresolved tension is a desire to confront ap in some way. I’ve written a letter with a few different elements to it. One seems somewhat legitimate, to threaten legal action if he should ever release intimate pictures under revenge porn laws.
But honestly most of it is just an opportunity to tell him how much devestation and pain he caused, to my kids, me, and even WW. I have a strong desire to tell him what a complete low life he is. And I have a desire to tell him that as recompense for what he did involving my kids in part of the affair that I plan to tell his kids about it in the future when it is age appropriate for them (they are relatively young right now, I wouldn’t intentionally traumatize kids)
All that sounds good to me, and it also seems like it could be stirring up a hornets nest in a time that I don’t need more trouble. I’m curious about this communities perspective on the matter, I’m sure I’m not the first one to think about it. Should I actually send this or just use it as personal therapy?
78 comments posted: Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
Another one bites the dust
Hey all, new guy here. My wife dropped the bomb on me last night, told me that she’d had sex with a friend of hers a year ago. She says it was a one time event, but I’m wrecked. We’ve been married for 17 years, and we’ve had struggles, but it always seemed like they were the type of thing that we could work thru. Infidelity has always been close to an immediate deal breaker in my mind, relating to my father being a cheater and generally just the value I place on marriage. I’ve always wanted marriage to be a very close and intimate relationship and cheating would be (and now is) the ultimate betrayal of that. So I guess now I find myself in a situation testing "ideals" that I never thought I would have to. I don’t know what to do. I’ve read this forum for a while. I found it based off some retroactive jealousy concerns, but strangely enough the timing lines up closely to when she slept with him. Maybe I intuited something was off.
What do people do practically? It seems like in the short term I have no real choice but to share a roof with her. I could bum a bed off friends and family for a while, but that would get old pretty quick, it seems.
Like I said, I’ve read a decent number of stories here. I’m dreading being one, but I do admire this community. Glad its here, sad to be here.
229 comments posted: Friday, July 22nd, 2022