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Newest Member: Hopeful318

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...

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keet ( member #72019) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

THANK YOU!

My husband had an EA and a PA, and in both cases he was affairing-down. WAY DOWN! He's in a well paid technical field and we work together. The EA was with MY RECEPTIONIST. God bless her, she was dumb as a box of rocks, had already had one affair with a married man, and apparently didn't have a problem with it.

The second and most recent was a PA. CHRIST. He met her at a bar. She'd been fired from a relatively low end job, was getting by as a waitress, and had been divorced three times! WTF?! I come from a blue collar family, and I've worked as a waitress, so no shame in that. But being fired, three marriages, COME ON. She is a mess. And now she's probably a worse mess from having been with him.

I've told him that if he'd had an affair with someone worthwhile that he never would have stayed with me. He explained that he's only attracted to "women who need him, who he can make a difference for." Affairing-down indeed.

[This message edited by keet at 11:49 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

BS
DDay Oct 3, 2019 (Still new to this)
M 19 years
- WH EA 2012
- WH month-long PA 2019
2 kids: middle school, high school (neither know)

posts: 72   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8468578
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scksurf ( new member #72016) posted at 8:45 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

Wow I read the first post and it hit right at home. My wife was the one that cheated on me and when I look at the man she cheated on me with he fits all those stats. My wife most of them as well, so this hit right at home. The funny thing is once the OW found out their relationship is over and she is left alone. Wow, was it worth it now that our family is ruined.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2019
id 8468669
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confused2007 ( member #15378) posted at 5:02 AM on Tuesday, January 14th, 2020

This. This topic/post is EVERYTHING!

Oh how I needed it. How I needed it to end my fascination with trying to understand why her? Did he do ___ with her? Why did he send her the types of pics he never sent me? Now I know why. Because I am worthy of not being treated like the ho of the month/week/year. She was happy being a side dish to my entree. His mistress was fine with getting my left overs. That's what she got-left overs from the entree that I have had for 15 years.

Now that I think more about it how dumb can someone be?!

So dumb that AW (Affair Whore-I prefer that to OW-sleep with married men-you are a whore not a woman. Nothing ladylike about it) thinks if WH had the balls to leave they won't use the same sneaky, conniving tools on them.

A divorce lawyer told me in almost every case when a man cheats the person they cheat with is never more attractive. It is about the attention. Period.

And just like this post said despite telling her he was going to leave me that never once came out of his mouth. I put him out, offered divorce multiple times and he begged to stay. While AW had no choice but to play her final card and out the PA for what I thought was an EA. Was I devastated he was still being a cake eater? Yes. Did I hand him over on a platter to her? Hell no. I have 18 years of my life invested and no AW will just take anything off of my plate. If anything I give it to you and even that is on my terms not those of an AW.

A round of applause for this post! It gave me life tonight!

Me: BS 47years old, Him: WS 45 years old, Married Since 2004-15 years
DDay #1: May 20, 2007 EA
DDay #2: July 2016 Long distance EA 1 month
DDay #3: November 16, 2019 TT
December 17th Full disclosure 6 month PA
Against all reaso

posts: 64   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2007   ·   location: Ohio
id 8495907
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 3:35 AM on Friday, January 17th, 2020

My WH finally told me a bit about his AP last night. I have looked at her photo a 1000 times already now. Wondering what did she have that I didn’t. Nothing. A bit younger...I give her that. Not prettier, not thinner, not fitter, not nicer, sex was so-so.

All she had that I don’t....the total lack of morals and disregard for the sisterhood of women. We should build each other up, not take the cowardly route of tearing other women down. I will be damn sure that I teach my daughter how to face world with dignity and grace in the face of hardship.

The OW are weak. We are not.

Me - BS Him -WS DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017DDay4 - found out about LTA with ex-wife

posts: 534   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8497437
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Scubagrl ( member #72280) posted at 3:51 AM on Friday, January 17th, 2020

"After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired."

^^^^^

OMG THIS....

I can't say thank you enough for this. This makes me really see the AP for who she is. I know for a fact that she is extremely insecure, but that hasn't stopped me from obsessing over the fact that she still managed to entice my partner into a full-blown PA. This has helped me to see that it is true-he used her because she stroked his ego and made him feel important, but is now the broken one because he walked and left her as soon as I found out. Funny, I had the opportunity to tell her what I thought of her recently and guess what I called her? Trash :) Wow. I will re-read this often. Thank you!!!

[This message edited by Scubagrl at 9:55 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Dec. 12th, 2019
id 8497441
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:10 AM on Friday, January 17th, 2020

I have booked marked this thread....everyone’s words have impacted me so much. Thank you it was just what I need to read.

I couldn’t get out of bed the other day....I have never felt so low and questioned my self worth and self esteem so much as I did the other day. You could have scraped me off the floor...literally the kitchen floor.

Infidelity really did a number on my esteem. I have shed so many tears. I pray somehow I can heal from all of this.

Thank you all again.

Me - BS Him -WS DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017DDay4 - found out about LTA with ex-wife

posts: 534   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8497504
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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 9:04 AM on Sunday, January 19th, 2020

Glad this is continuing to be bumped and continuing to help people.

Bump 😊

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8498242
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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 9:30 AM on Friday, January 24th, 2020

Bumped for GettingFierce. 😊

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8500819
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sorryforeverythi ( member #72524) posted at 10:51 AM on Friday, January 24th, 2020

I guess I want to believe this but I don't know, I might just be in a down place today.

She left me for a millionaire. I am not a millionaire. He might be short, bald, fat, eight years older than me and married but he has money and I lost my job a few months ago and have been living off my savings while I try and get back on my feet so it's been a struggle.

I am tall, have been told handsome but I don't feel that way right now, I am old, losing my hair and her "better" choice was him. So I can't help but feel in her mind she affaired up.

d-day 12/22/2019
7 years 22 days

Someone I once loved gave me a box of darkness,
It took me months to realize that this was also a gift.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Arizona
id 8500826
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sorryforeverythi ( member #72524) posted at 10:51 AM on Friday, January 24th, 2020

I guess I want to believe this but I don't know, I might just be in a down place today.

She left me for a millionaire. I am not a millionaire. He might be short, bald, fat, eight years older than me and married but he has money and I lost my job a few months ago and have been living off my savings while I try and get back on my feet so it's been a struggle.

I am tall, have been told handsome but I don't feel that way right now, I am old, losing my hair and her "better" choice was him. So I can't help but feel in her mind she affaired up.

d-day 12/22/2019
7 years 22 days

Someone I once loved gave me a box of darkness,
It took me months to realize that this was also a gift.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Arizona
id 8500827
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Maudlin ( member #70107) posted at 12:44 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2020

Sorry for everything- NO. First of all, a person who wants someone in a committed relationship is inherently flawed. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you, of course. Is it the thrill of “taking” someone? Possibly- and that is a mighty broken and unhealthy person you would never, ever want to be. And your wife is going to now be with THAT piece of shit. That’s way, way, way down.

My low life cheating asshat cheated with hookers. Objectively better looking and younger than me...but sleeping with him for money. I do t blame them, but I do know it’s a broken person in a bad set of circumstances who turns to that. It’s women with no self esteem or choices, often exploited. Those are the women he sought- and I would never trade an ounce of my older self and post kid body for the person they are. Because it’s sad. It’s not just affairing down it’s affairing in the fucking dumpster.

It is true 100 percent she affaired down. You aren’t an asshat without a single shred of decency- you win. Now get to winning and make a fantastic post infidelity life!

posts: 169   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2019
id 8500845
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sorryforeverythi ( member #72524) posted at 12:53 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2020

Thanks Maudlin, I am just kind of down today, but I appreciate the perspective.

I guess it just reminds me that she felt our relationship was so bad that she would rather be a hooker with a single client then try and fix it with me, but he is her soulmate and the love of her life so maybe it makes sense.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 8:30 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

d-day 12/22/2019
7 years 22 days

Someone I once loved gave me a box of darkness,
It took me months to realize that this was also a gift.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Arizona
id 8500848
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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 9:31 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2020

Bumpety bump bump

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8511302
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Merti ( member #72842) posted at 8:30 AM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020

So many great posts here. I wish I could copy paste all but this is a great summary.

A cheater is a dog. Dogs love to roll around in something rotten and stinky. A person who knowingly sleeps with someone who is married is a pathetic loser.

A pathetic loser is never a step up

posts: 111   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020
id 8514339
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number4 ( member #62204) posted at 11:48 PM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020

I probably haven't been on SI in well over a year (closer to year and a half), and I'm SO glad this thread was bumped up as I came back today. I am snickering as I read to myself about lying down with dogs (isn't it funny... 20 minutes prior to my coming back to SI, I just finished giving my dog a bath) that roll around in something rotten and stinky.

Thanks for the timely bump.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1086   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8514621
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betrayedafter20 ( member #72875) posted at 2:56 PM on Monday, February 24th, 2020

WOW. Since I'm new - this one is very, very helpful. Thank you so much to Death by Betrayal. I almost want to send it to WH...

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8514809
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:42 PM on Wednesday, March 4th, 2020

Bumping.

Betrayed Spouses now to SI need to see this

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8520200
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:41 PM on Friday, March 27th, 2020

This one always needs a bump.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3630   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8527022
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bandhater ( member #74044) posted at 4:21 AM on Wednesday, April 1st, 2020

Glad I saw this thread too. i see it's been resurrected for years now. I'll do the honors this time

I agree with this completely, found out 6 or 7 weeks ago what was going on. No - scratch that, I knew what was going on for months before hand but had no proof until 7 weeks ago.

Caught them in a Motel 6, he was (and is) unemployed after inappropriate touching of a coworker before Christmas and sleeping on the job after getting provisionally reinstated. He had a good union, but not that good.

He's also married. Of course. This was the day before valentine's day and he wrote such a loving post to his wife on the day itself.

He's over 50, a little on the fat side and believes he's going to be a rock star. I'm not denigrating the over 50s, I'm one myself, but at some point you have to face reality.

posts: 122   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020
id 8528083
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 9:05 PM on Wednesday, April 1st, 2020

WH's current OW is younger by 10 years and makes more money than me. I can't bring myself to look at a picture of her on social media, but I hear she's pretty.

Thank you for reminding me that the exterior doesn't make someone beautiful. She's married, with a pre-teen child. A monster, really, to do this to her family. Same as my WH.

20+ year relationship; Never officially married
Dday November 2019
4 wonderful grown children
WH multiple APs, currently involved with married COW
Kicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 329   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8528290
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