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Newest Member: InkHulk

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...

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Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 1:29 PM on Sunday, April 5th, 2020

Bump

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 8529247
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earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 5:55 PM on Wednesday, June 3rd, 2020

bump for marvelousdarling

I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8548087
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 11:48 AM on Friday, June 5th, 2020

Thank you for bumping, it took me a long time to realise my WW really affaired down.. Yes he was 20 yrs younger than me, taller, shady past (ex drug dealer) she confirmed he was bigger and lasted longer in bed (info i still struggle with)..

But ultimately he is nearly 30 still lives in a basement in his grandparents house and has virtually no education.

I finally realised i am a better man than he will ever be, i look after my entire family, always try to help people when i can, have worked hard my entire life to get where i am now. I have made mistakes, sure, but i try to learn from them, to improve myself.

My WW during her affair was not a good wife or even a good person at times. She is now working on improving herself too, because she finally realised how poorly she behaved..

So you could say that during the affair i traded down.. By putting up with a wife who was much less than i deserved.. I think we all do.. We just dont know it for sure till DDay

[This message edited by StrugglingCJ at 5:53 AM, June 5th (Friday)]

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 249   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8548503
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 Edie (original poster member #26133) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, July 27th, 2020

Bump 😊

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8567005
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susielee ( member #74877) posted at 6:57 PM on Wednesday, July 29th, 2020

I don't know, so many good points and posts. I think it is just so individual.

My Ex in most eyes traded down. She wasn't significantly younger, or pretty. I would say just average, she smoked and drank. Honestly even in his own eyes, as he told me about two years before he left me for her that she was a mess, and everyone knew she had been married three times and had messed around with many married men. One of them while my ex was with her. (before the affair was outed to me)

I think (generally speaking) that men tend to start affairs for a sex thrill. Then sometimes they get hooked with that particular person, thus an exit affair developed. In my ex's case there was also a work effect, as she was his direct report; and he kind of had his ass in a trap. He had to be real careful as it played out. He didn't get fired, but he got demoted, and lost his cushy position as the mayors right hand man. Mayor wasn't any more moral than ex was, but he wasn't near as stupid as my ex.

Because we share a son I know things have been pretty rough for them as time went on. Both in terms of life choices, gambling/bankruptcy/destroying their relationship with said son, and health. I am sorry of course for the bad health, but the rest is on them.

It was the situation with my son that caused me to re-examine our past. I was trying to find out why on earth a man would destroy his marriage, then go on to destroy his relationship with his son.

It is how I happened upon this site and the Chump Nation site. Wish I had access to these types of sites when I was going through my cheater H hell. I mean I handled it fairly well through the pain, but dang these sites would have helped.

The only thing I really regret is giving him another chance. It didn't last but a week, but I still regret it.

As far as why women start affairs, I don't know. It was never something I entertained, and honestly most affairs in married friends that happened, it was always the man, and they all had multiple affairs before the exit affair.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2020   ·   location: GA
id 8567841
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99lawdog99 ( member #42615) posted at 7:06 PM on Wednesday, July 29th, 2020

Thank you for bumping, it took me a long time to realise my WW really affaired down.. Yes he was 20 yrs younger than me, taller, shady past (ex drug dealer) she confirmed he was bigger and lasted longer in bed (info i still struggle with)..

But ultimately he is nearly 30 still lives in a basement in his grandparents house and has virtually no education.

I finally realised i am a better man than he will ever be, i look after my entire family, always try to help people when i can, have worked hard my entire life to get where i am now. I have made mistakes, sure, but i try to learn from them, to improve myself.

My WW during her affair was not a good wife or even a good person at times. She is now working on improving herself too, because she finally realised how poorly she behaved..

So you could say that during the affair i traded down.. By putting up with a wife who was much less than i deserved.. I think we all do.. We just dont know it for sure till DDay

Holy crap, I could have written this. My wife's other was 39, ex drug user and lived with his mother. She said almost the same things to me about him. Took me a long time to no longer care.

Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

posts: 728   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2014   ·   location: pa
id 8567843
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 7:22 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

BUMP!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6083   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8587431
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:42 AM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

BUMP!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6083   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8591118
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 3:37 PM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

Just met OBS in person and turns out his wife affaired down in every way with my xWH!!

These cheaters are so broken.

I'm 6 weeks shy of 1 year from D-Day. And I am starting to feel sorry for them. Not excusing any of the horrible behavior of course. But I'm starting to really understand how lucky I am to have exited the stage of this shit show.

20+ year relationship; Never officially married
Dday November 2019
4 wonderful grown children
WH multiple APs, currently involved with married COW
Kicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 329   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8592911
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:36 PM on Thursday, October 1st, 2020

bumpetty bump!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3463   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8593384
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TheSassiest20 ( new member #75683) posted at 11:54 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Yeah but what if he doesn't?

I have enough self-confidence to know she is not better than me in any way. She is a decade younger, yes, but she's been with two married men now. She's not prettier and she's not more successful. I know she is not capable of loving him as well as I have.

But.

He said if he could go back and be with me when he loved me as much as he used to or go off with her now, he says he'd choose her. I don't understand that since he says he doesn't love her as much.

He loves their energy. He wants to be better for her - to not fail her like he failed me. He doesn't want to get married again or have kids with her - but I think that's a lie. They seem better suited in some ways - both geeky - but then the other night he said we had so many similar interests, which surprised me.

I am worried they will be a couple that truly gets their happy ending. And the thing is - I love my WS. I want him to be happy - but not with her. Anyone but her.

I know they both have a huge character flaw to cheat. But I really am not sure he affaired down.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2020
id 8599113
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:16 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020

Sassiest20.

I understand your pain and thoughts about the OW.

Here’s my experience. The OW was 20 years younger than me. No education. She had a series of bad relationships— or so she says. She was the “poor me” victim in her life.

My H was her knight in shining armor. KISA syndrome. Typical affair crap.

You may believe your cheating spouse will end up happy with the OW. IMO any relationship that starts with lying and cheating has nowhere to go. Distrust will always be a factor in the relationship no matter what they say or do.

Home late? Wonder if he/she is cheating. Going out with “friends”? I wonder if he/she is cheating. Let the games begin — accusations, suspicions, hurt, fights, etc.

Not my idea of happily ever after.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8599394
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 12:53 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020

The bottom line is a wayward spouse chooses an affair partner who will engage with them even though almost all of them are aware of their relationship status with their significant other. Character alone is the ultimate proof that they (WS) has affaired down.

posts: 329   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8599397
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LLXC ( member #62576) posted at 12:06 AM on Tuesday, October 20th, 2020

The bottom line is a wayward spouse chooses an affair partner who will engage with them even though almost all of them are aware of their relationship status with their significant other. Character alone is the ultimate proof that they (WS) has affaired doen

The cheater is affairing down from the peraon they betrayed. But the cheater is engaging with someone as shitty as they are.

I know they both have a huge character flaw to cheat. But I really am not sure he affaired down

He did not affair dpwn. He chose someone just as shirty as him. YOU married down. Her spouse married down.

He has to prove to you he is no longer shitty. That is hard work. And be might still be a shitty person.

So. His options are: work hard to be a safe spouse, be single, or be shitty wotj another person.

All he is doing is being with someone wbp is as shitty as him.

posts: 364   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2018
id 8599704
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LostInTheDesert ( member #61577) posted at 6:50 AM on Thursday, October 29th, 2020

I recently saw some confirmed photos of the ExWW's AP. It made me laugh at the pathetic thing my ExWW has to have been to throw everything away for a short, bald (not by choice), unattractive white trash thug 10 years older than me and in an unskilled job . I guess she found her proper station in life - cheap whore to a white trash loser.

Sadly, the OBS stayed with her serial cheater.

Me: BH 48
Her: WW 47 (financially abusive and emotionally selfish)
Married 25 years, together 27 years.
D-Day: 14 November 2017
DD: 20
DS: 15
Divorced her

posts: 200   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2017   ·   location: 🇦🇺
id 8603188
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Apparition ( member #75755) posted at 8:56 PM on Friday, October 30th, 2020

I'm just at the beginning, I guess I'm five days from what people call DDay. My self esteem is very low and some of the posts in the thread have made me feel a tad less crazy. I don't know if my self esteem issues really compare. While she was having lots of EM sex, one partner was a former boss, and that has hurt the most. He was president of a company. But I own my own company! And we have what many would consider a affluent life, and I believe myself much better looking. FFS, he got heavy, he's short, and his hair is thinner than mine.

I have kept myself up. I really truly have - for her as much as anything. YET her texts to him were glowing, she gushed over his professional credentials like he was a rock star. Nearly two years of constant adulation over his "accomplishments" and his amazing gifted advice. I thought I was a great husband, a passionate and frequent sexual partner, a consistent provider (she worked because she wanted to work), a good social partner, a good parent to her children. What the hell more is there???? But now I find myself not enough. I read the texts and I NEVER received that sort of adulation. I just keep wondering what's wrong with me and what made him such a "rock star". He was even fired from his last real leadership role. How am I the cucked one, the beta male. My entire vision of myself is false.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 222   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8603877
smile1

TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 4:05 PM on Sunday, November 1st, 2020

Apparition, you have to keep in mind that constant Adulation has nothing to do with you or even AP. This is usually simply to keep AP in the game. My FWH was practicing this as well very heavily. So, you have to ask yourself if these statements are True or False. In my case, those statements to many, yes, MANY on-line AP's were Falsehood. Those adulation still come back into my mind from time to time, but I think "ok, those were falsehood from the beginning anyways....". I still think why he does not use those words and statements with me, and it's puzzling.... I even wrote a short sarcastic poem to him about adulation to his AP's few days ago and he hated it . So, in summary, it's important to distinguish Truth from Falsehood. I'm sorry to that you found yourself in this spot....

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 12:00 PM, November 1st (Sunday)]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 182   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8604323
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TheSassiest20 ( new member #75683) posted at 4:25 PM on Sunday, November 1st, 2020

I just keep wondering what's wrong with me and what made him such a "rock star". He was even fired from his last real leadership role.

Nothing is wrong with you. Even though I am sure you're flawed (we all are - that's not me picking on you!) you are not the lesser choice. Plus everything you've written sounds like you're a pretty great choice!

The fault is with your WS. It just is. I'm a month out from DDAy. I don't have amazing self-esteem but I know for certain my WS's AP is not better than me. Yes, I am still concerned about them being more compatible or that their love is real...

BUT...

The main thing to remember is they have a fatal flaw. They are cheaters. If your WS's AP is willing to cheat, they are not a good person. If your WS is willing to cheat, they are not a good person, either. Even if they end up happily ever after, they will have to know deep down their relationship is based on a lie. They'll never be able to tell people how they really met - the unspoken part of the story will always be "Well it was an affair..."

They'll also have to live forever knowing they could cheat again. The first late night at work...the first missed phone call...the first new co-worker they gush about...they will always be scared. Even if they never cheat on each other, it's possible - and they know it.

So no. Nothing is wrong with you. Your WS should have just left if they were truly unhappy. Maybe they'll realize they are affairing down and will want to come back. My WS is "confused" but I think he knows she isn't a better option than me. If your WS wants to reconcile - and you want to reconcile - then that's great for you. But if you don't reconcile, just know that it's nothing to do with you. They're broken. You're not.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2020
id 8604327
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:35 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Bumping for whoever else needs to read this today.

I sure enjoyed reading it again.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3477   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8609970
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Mickie500 ( member #74292) posted at 9:13 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

I need to read this!

posts: 371   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2020
id 8610066
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