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Newest Member: dddrr1

Just Found Out :
honey, they always affair down...


recovering2018 ( member #63336) posted at 6:59 PM on Friday, July 26th, 2019

Sigh. Broken people just need validation from other broken people.

I've done extremely well financially, am very fit, never cheated, never been arrested, and served my country. I am a supportive father and husband, do the laundry, half the housework, help with the schoolwork, plan getaways... Just didn't deserve it.

I don't think a George Clooney face and pornstar p*nis would have helped.

They'll either have a BS justification or "I don't know why".


Me- H/BS 50s
Her- WW 40s
Married 20+ years with minor children
D-Day 2017, 6 week EA

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2018   ·   location: United States
id 8411188

steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:38 AM on Saturday, July 27th, 2019

My WW said I was the best thing that ever happened to her a few times before adultery, after adultery but before DDay and after DDay. But I thought she was the best thing that ever happened to me before DDay, too, even while pushing down and denying red flags to myself. If I'm the best thing that ever happened to her then she certainly affaired down - way down.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4707   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8411382

AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 6:47 PM on Saturday, July 27th, 2019

I feel like I was replaced to a degree. Everything I know about AP, which isn't much, suggests that she found herself someone enough like me to ease the transition. I guess I should be flattered, but to me it's still just gross and sad.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8411601

PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 9:45 PM on Saturday, July 27th, 2019

Bump, this is true for any BS. Thought it could use a bump.

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8411673

adriverswife ( member #62769) posted at 5:52 AM on Wednesday, July 31st, 2019

Recovering, well said.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2018
id 8413133

PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 11:38 PM on Sunday, August 4th, 2019

Bump again!

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8415355

PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 3:47 AM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019


Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8415995

PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 4:28 AM on Sunday, August 11th, 2019


Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8418415

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, September 18th, 2019


"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3793   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8439635

STLLOST ( member #65656) posted at 3:18 PM on Thursday, September 19th, 2019

It's bad enough that they sleep with someone else, and that the other person is "less" than their spouse...but damn it really hurts the ego when they finally leave you for them. You get this deep feeling of unworthiness about yourself.

Just add this on to the list of things that the BS has to now deal with in their life.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2018
id 8439848

OptionedOut ( member #69105) posted at 7:23 PM on Thursday, September 19th, 2019

Best. Post. Ever.

It's true. And I'll add one more that my therapist told me: they attach and seek out a mirror image of their own soul.

posts: 265   ·   registered: Dec. 12th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8439984

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:33 PM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019


fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28383   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8456940

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 6:55 AM on Thursday, October 24th, 2019

We have to keep this near the top of the first page of JFO

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2198   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8457096

EmptySpaces ( new member #71736) posted at 7:07 AM on Thursday, October 24th, 2019

And another bump. This post is fantastic!

I've been thinking the usual 'what is wrong with me?' ever since the DDay and this post literally opened my eyes this morning.

She wanted to have the kind of control over my H that she didn't have over her own, her life, herself. Replying to my NC letter, she said she didn't mean to hurt me so much - and that pissed me off royally. What makes her think she has THAT kind of power?

She doesn't. Neither does H.

I'm not going to be hurt today.

EA1 - 1999 (WH grovelled and begged forgiveness)
EA2 - found out 10/2/19 (WH apologised)

How many more I don't know about???

posts: 5   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2019
id 8457099

Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 3:51 PM on Monday, October 28th, 2019

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5450   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8459222

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 2:18 PM on Tuesday, October 29th, 2019

I think this is true a lot, but not always. A true exit affair where the WS intends to leave the BS for a life with the AP is usually perceived at least by the WS as a step up. Wayward wives who engage in affairs driven by a sense of need for validation or affirmation they are not receiving from their BHs often perceive the AP as a step up as well.

As to wayward husbands and wives who cheat because they want some extracurricular sex, "affair down" doesn't necessarily mean the AP is physically unattractive or bad at sex. In fact there are a lot of threads where the AP is a muscular gym trainer or bodacious younger woman. But in general I think these types of waywards choode an AP who they do not take seriously as a potential life partner. Somebody they dont perceive to be a person of substance.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4097   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8459716

hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 5:06 AM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

When you are left for the AP it certainly crashes self esteem, because not only where you cheated on, but you were not worth being chosen.

That said, I keep reminding myself that my WH left me, not because she's better, but because she's someone who is equally broken as he is. I know I am better than the OW in most ways.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 402   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8461169

chelsea9 ( member #47515) posted at 11:52 AM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

I really struggled with the 'why him?' choice of AP, because my WW definitely affaired down.

And being as reasonable and objective as I can be, I remained mystified that someone clearly inferior to me could entice my W.

But I read something recently that really resonated and helped put that question into place. The post was on SI and was actually by a really obnoxious guy who bragged about his tactics for hitting on M women (and sounded like the boasts of an 18yo virgin!) but he made one really good point: the bar for choosing an AP is far lower than the bar for choosing a M partner.

So to M someone, each of us has to identify a really complex and broad mix of things that we see in the other person that, for us, makes them a potential life partner. That's a really long list and the scores have to be really high!

But to be a candidate as an AP really requires very little. So the people that fit that bill really don't have to be anything special (and we know for a start that they have no morals).

And that, among other reasons such as broken people gravitating towards each other, is why they always affair down.

posts: 352   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: UK
id 8461231

RedHeadTemper ( member #71503) posted at 6:43 PM on Friday, November 1st, 2019

Recovering2018, thank you for your service. USA!

I relate to you. I'm financially successful, have always been there for my wife and kids, nice house with cars and no wants of needs that are lacking. We do 2 vacations/year and I'm very well established in my career and socially. Always put my wifes needs before my own. I'm athletically fit with no mental, emotional, or physical health issues. Family has always been #1 for me. I'd bend over backwards to help my wife at any time.

My wife had an affair with a 30 something year old woman, living in her parents basement, mooching off her parents. AP wouldn't go get an apartment to stay in, didn't want to come out as gay to her parents and family, didn't want to turn her back on her religion, and wanted to move as far away with my wife from me as she could if they did move in together. So my wife would have probably had to abandon her babies. She was controlling and still doesn't really amount to anything. I think of her as driftweed. Just looking for a good time with no responsibilities.

Funny how my wife thought I was controlling and her GF wasn't. I guess her soulmate who she was born to find really didn't amount to much......

Her:WW same sex AP
M:4 years
EA/PA 10 months
Young children

posts: 175   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2019
id 8461439

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 4:58 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019


"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3793   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8468558
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