Newest Member: SadPadre


Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

Been a long time

It has been years since I posted but I do often read here. My experience was a very long term affair, 17 years with an ex girlfriend who was also married. I found out on July 24th, 2017. It took over a year if not longer to get the truth or what I will ever get of it. What I can say is I became extremely sick after dday. I threw up constantly, shook like crazy and my blood pressure was high. I was so out of it as I worked in the medical field my entire life and literally did not find it odd that my doctor had me come in weekly. From there I had an organ issue and other health problems as well as extreme weight loss. I stopped shaking after about 7 months and was very sick for about another year. I started therapy, yoga, healthy eating and just taking care of myself. It still took about 3 years for me to gain weight and start to be some part of myself again. Then, I had other stressful things that just threw me completely. It has now been 4 years and while I am still married, I can honestly say it is so much work. I still have PTSD, nightmares and suffer at times incredibly. I realize my husbands affair lasted so long that I think it is normal for me to still have issues regarding it and still have a lot of pain. He has become a better man and better person but I think years of gaslighting, cruelty and just not caring really made a huge impact on me that I didn't understand until I found out he had cheated for years. For so long I blamed myself. He worked out of town often which made cheating easy even though I would stay with him as often as I could. If I could go back in time, I would have walked away. Reconciliation does work for so many people and they are able to reconnect which I think is great. My husband now treats me very well but the pain he caused will always be there I think. Maybe it is all the years, maybe it is that I just cannot accept that it was an ex, maybe it is just what it is. I will stay with him because financially I don't have much of a choice. I do love him but I love the man I thought he was. I thought he was honest, fidelity mattered to him as much as to me, that he was my best friend. None of that is true to me and I feel I have lost 2 decades of my life and that is painful. I have lost friends for staying but they really were not friends or they would support me and understand why I am still with him. That too has been hard. I use to think I was so lucky to have a him as my husband. Now I feel he is beyond lucky to have me as his wife. I have learned to feel happiness that isn't attached to him. He now tells me I am wonderful, beautiful, caring, etc. but it really doesn't mean much anymore. I would have loved that in the first 20 years of our marriage. I am writing this to say to those of you on the fence that can leave just go. Do it, don't hesitate for a minute. If your spouse has truly worked on themselves and has become a better person then if it makes you happy, stay and try to work it out. Don't stay if you suffer or cannot get past the pain and have an option to leave. Stay if you truly believe you can find happiness and joy together.

6 comments posted: Friday, May 21st, 2021

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